Do you judge women who don’t want kids?

[Ellabella989]

I’m in my early 30s and have decided I never want kids. Literally every single female who I’ve confided in about this, from family members to friends to work colleagues, have been incredibly judgemental and told me i’ll be missing out and will eventually regret it and could potentially spend my later years very lonely if my partner dies before me.
AIBU to find these opinions very irritating? I don’t list all the reasons to them why I think their way of life is less appealing to mine so I don’t see why I have to sit back and basically be told I’m a freak for not wanting kids. Maybe I just know some very judgemental people :-(

This thread has certain posters who either can’t comprehend or are being deliberately obtuse.

Oh, the irony. 😂

@icedpurple I have clarified what I said 5 times now. I have made it clear it was not a comment about not having children. Prior to this comment I made a number of posts and none of them were nasty about women who had chosen not to have children. It was nothing to do with that. It was a rebuttal to someone calling something I found joyous ‘unappealing and tiring’ which I found hurtful.

I’m going to leave this argument now as either you’re all completely incapable of understanding what I’m repeatedly clarifying even if it was clumsy in the first instance - or more likely trying to be a bit mean which feels like bullying.

I've got a group of course female friends I meet and lived with at university we're all between 33-34 I'm the only one with a child, of the other six I've, maybe two of the others might have children. The others have actively chosen not to, they are all well educated successful people, who are mostly in long term stable relationships, they all own a house , so it's not practical barriers. Love them all don't judge them at all, envy their freedom every now and then!

I think there's a lot of romanticising having children. I love my DS with every fibre in my being and didn't think I could ever feel so protective of another person BUT there are definitely times when I think wtf was I thinking

Nope, im jealous of them and their perky boobs 😭😭😭

Tweaking a pp's comment slightly:

You’ll never be able to understand it. If you don’t have the biological urge to have children then it’s pointless trying to both describe it, and expect the happy parents to comprehend. It’s like trying to explain sight to a blind person or sounds to a deaf person.

Imagine devoting your emotional energy to judging or pitying people that have decided not to have children what a waste of time

Tbf Shiverr,I've just caught up with the thread and in the context of your previous comments and others in between, I also thought what you wrote DID come across exactly like you were saying all-consuming child joy OR desolate non-existence.

So perhaps take a step back and consider whether your meaning wasn't as clear as you thought it was, before you start accusing everyone of bullying.

Maybe having that urge to have children is like being addicted to nicotine. Cigarettes aren't actually nice, they just make the craving go away.

This is brilliant. Not saying that kids aren’t nice or anything but.. I definitely feel like this accurately describes why some people choose to have kids.

Let individual women decide whether or not to have a child/children, with no judgement either way - neither negative nor positive.

I’m going to leave this argument now as either you’re all completely incapable of understanding what I’m repeatedly clarifying even if it was clumsy in the first instance - or more likely trying to be a bit mean which feels like bullying.

Bullying my arse. The usual bleat of the roundly criticised. If we’re all incapable of understanding, maybe it’s you? Just a thought.

Yes they will miss out on some parts of life, but I'm missing out on a lot right now too!

That's just it, isn't it? All of us are going to enjoy only a fraction of the experiences life has to offer, even if we live to be 100. So we're all 'missing out' in one way or another. The only thing we can do is work out what our personal priorities and goals are, and live our lives in a way that maximises the chances of achieving them. For some people that involves having children, for others it doesn't.

The only thing we can do is work out what our personal priorities and goals are, and live our lives in a way that maximises the chances of achieving them. For some people that involves having children, for others it doesn't.

This. It is sad that yet again a thread like this has been hijacked by a small number of posters who can't help but insult childless people amd act superior. Maybe in future it would help them to just read, and refrain from commenting. Maybe they might actually learn something.

There are plenty people in the world who will confidently insist that your life is incomplete and you are a lesser (or unnatural) person because you don't want children/like dogs/go jogging/read Terry Pratchett/worship Freddy Mercury/hate all green vegetables/decorate your house at Easter..... These people are wrong. ALWAYS.

'Maybe they might actually learn something.'

Maybe. And then again maybe not

I think that the fetishisation of parenthood as described by some posters upthread has a lot to answer for. People get SO MUCH validation for having children, and I think some shallow and thoughtless people imagine it makes them some kind of marvellous being, no matter whether they're actually capable of parenting effectively. Well it doesn't, just as not having children doesn't make you thin or rich or thrill seeking

I really really don't judge women who choose not to have children. But I got fed up with those women who sniped about me having them, despite knowing they were displaying their own insecurities. Luckily most women without children didn't do that.

People get SO MUCH validation for having children, and I think some shallow and thoughtless people imagine it makes them some kind of marvellous being, no matter whether they're actually capable of parenting effectively

The thing is, the vast majority of people become parents, 8 out of 10 I think, at least in Britain or America or most Western countries. In the past, until the advent of safe, legal contraception about 50 years ago, pretty much everyone become a parent unless it was impossible for them. If you had sex, chances are you would have kids sooner or later, whether you wanted them or not.

Therefore, it's obvious that parenthood doesn't make someone a better person. If it did, given that most adults are or will be parents, the world would surely be a much kinder and nicer place than it is.

People get SO MUCH validation for having children

but you also read endless threads about women complaining that they become 2nd class citizens at work since they came back from maternity leave.

It’s a nonsense. I “judge” people who don’t have children (I do) in the same way I “judge” people who choose to live in cities (I don’t). It’s a “god I wouldn’t do that” thought and nothing more or less. When childless people talk about the ups and downs of being childless it is similar to when people go on about “how great it is to have museums and art galleries so close” or “how hideous their tube commute is”. None of it is particularly edifying and I’d only think less of the person if they were miserable and doing nothing about it or if they expected me to be their safety net.

I find the tendency for my childless family members to be forever entertained at Easter/Christmas etc deeply irritating but I suspect that’s the individuals involved not universal.

I'm 43, never had kinds, never wanted them and everyone knows it. Nobody said anything unpleasant. I think I've been lucky with the people I know.

I completely understand people not wanting children. It gives women more options within their career, travel, money.
It’s a lifetime commitment to have children and you can’t garentee your partner staying with you and then it’s mostly down to the woman to pick up the pieces.
I don’t understand why women would have more than 2 children and take such a big risk? You could end up being the main provider, why make life so hard for yourself?

The thing that gets people’s backs up, I think, is the hypocrisy and double standards. It’s no one else’s business what anyone chooses to do with their life, but take the above comment for example. There’s an overwhelming majority who believe you shouldn’t judge women who choose to remain childless, so Why is it therefore acceptable to judge women who have children? Why is everything tainted with the negatives?

I could take umbrage- I’m about to have my 4th planned child, I’m also the main earner/provider. My life isn’t that hard. What is it you need help with understanding?

I don’t understand why women would have more than 2 children and take such a big risk? You could end up being the main provider, why make life so hard for yourself?

well technically I could have gone the easy way, pack everything up and make money whilst and from travelling

Not wanting to do something yourself is one thing, not understanding why others make different choices.. well, what do you think it is? not being very bright maybe?

*instead of having kids

(makes more sense if I don't forget half the sentence)

I’m not judging, just don’t understand it. Life must be so much harder with 4 than 1 or 2. You must have hardly anytime for yourself? To be pregnant twice was also enough for me, never wanted to do it again, I wanted my body back so I can have a glass of wine when I wanted, go skiing and horse riding holiday with my friends, just still be able to have a little freedom without feeling guilty.