Do you judge women who don’t want kids?

[Ellabella989]

I’m in my early 30s and have decided I never want kids. Literally every single female who I’ve confided in about this, from family members to friends to work colleagues, have been incredibly judgemental and told me i’ll be missing out and will eventually regret it and could potentially spend my later years very lonely if my partner dies before me.
AIBU to find these opinions very irritating? I don’t list all the reasons to them why I think their way of life is less appealing to mine so I don’t see why I have to sit back and basically be told I’m a freak for not wanting kids. Maybe I just know some very judgemental people :-(

The "technicolor" comment, I mean.

No judgement out loud.
I might wonder to myself that they might miss out or regret later on but certainly wouldn't voice that to the person in question. 🤷🏼‍♀️
My family all have lots of opinions on how many children I should have though and I know how tiring their opinions get.

Just out of curiosity, have you RTFT before commenting, DramaLlama? Because that sentiment's been expressed a few times, and those of us who are firmly & happily childfree have responded to it quite a few times too.

Parenthood changes your entire life, and having kids is a decision that shouldn’t be taken lightly but it much too often is. Nobody should be expected to be a parent just because it’s considered the norm. Also, as people are becoming increasingly aware of the dangers of overpopulation on the planet, child-free people should be thanked, not criticised

This. And it really annoys me when people saying not having kids is selfish. Well quite apart from the 18+ years of responsibility per child, going through a pregnancy isn't exactly easy and can have very serious effects on your body. If not wanting to wreck my body is selfish, well so be it. But not having (more) kids affects nobody but me. After all, if they're not born, they don't know they didn't exist.

We're adults with responsibilities and worries and stresses and aches and pains just like everyone else. Yes, even the poor martyred parents

This!

It is as if having children allows you to mature and move on and there is a deep happiness and satisfaction with life when there is another generation (or perhaps too) to carry on.

What the actual fuck?

People should be absolutely free to do whatever they want to do. But having had children late after living many years of insisting I didn’t want them I do know feel a bit sad for those who choose not to have kids as I’ve experienced how much it can change your life for the positive. However much you might hate it I do think ‘if they only knew....’

Plus I hate how all the childless by choice people on my FB go on about holidays or material things as if that compensates or makes those with children jealous - it baffles me!

Plus I hate how all the childless by choice people on my FB go on about holidays or material things as if that compensates or makes those with children jealous - it baffles me!

Maybe it’s because those are the things that are important in their lives? It’s not all about you.

@purpledaisies just feels a little sad to me but then I’m not focused on material goods to make me happy!

@Shiverrrrmetimbers RTFT, lots of answers to your (judgemental) views have already been addressed.

What an unpleasant post, shiver. How on earth do you know why your childfree friends post about their holidays? Don’t a lot of people post about holidays on social media! Why would you think they feel the need to ‘compensate’ or make you jealous?

@escapeanywhere I have read the whole thread (bar that ridiculously long post). I get people don’t want children and that’s that. And that’s the way it should be. But I still feel they’re missing out, I understand that’s not popular but I can’t help how I feel! It’s a unwinnable debate though isn’t it as only one side understands both states so I’d never convince anyone!

I do know feel a bit sad for those who choose not to have kids as I’ve experienced how much it can change your life for the positive. However much you might hate it I do think ‘if only they knew....’

As a woman who is childless by choice, I have known all my life that I had absolutely no interest in being a mother. Now all these years later I have never had one tiny moment of regret. Not one. So I can absolve you of your sadness. Please don’t feel ‘a bit sad’ for me or people like me as we are perfectly happy with our decision and really don’t need your sympathy. In fact I’m probably not the only one who finds it somewhat patronising that you clearly feel that you know my mind better than I do.

@pianovigilante I guess because there was a weird post on Mother’s Day from someone stating they don’t have children but hey they’re off to the Maldives. I appreciate the point though that many people talk about their holidays on fB myself included

@alexaambidextra I’m not and I never have in RL tried to convince anyone. I’m not that kind of person. I spent 38 years childless as I didnt want them. As I said above it’s an unwinnable debate as only those with children know what it’s like to both not have and have children - so it’s pointless arguing about it!

Plus I hate how all the childless by choice people on my FB go on about holidays or material things as if that compensates or makes those with children jealous - it baffles me

School run on cold mornings, tantrums, all the b.s. toilet training and nappy as babies and toddlers, lack of sleep
V
Holidays, nice clothes, cool shoes

Hmmmm you must have angelic kids cos some days I dream of escaping to the materialistic life.
Plus as a parent I'm not beyond going on holiday with no kids, did late last year, spending a chunk of change of my wwe or AFL love.
Being a parent don't mean you don't give up pre kid loves.

Agreed! I love a weekend break without kids and the finer things in life. And as you say these things and children aren’t mutually exclusive

As I said above it’s an unwinnable debate as only those with children know what it’s like to both not have and have children - so it’s pointless arguing about it!

I don’t see how you can possibly know what it is like to know that you can’t have children, or to be married to someone for 30 years without children. You have not had that experience.

But I still feel they’re missing out, I understand that’s not popular but I can’t help how I feel

...missing out on what, though? Those who chose not to have children aren't missing out on anything.

It’s a unwinnable debate though

It's not a debate. It's a matter of standing up to feeling patronised by people who think they know 'better'.

@Shiverrrrmetimbers

Imagine I said I felt a bit sorry for you. That you probably bowed to social and biological pressure to have a child and now you're missing out on a childfree, full of joy life. That you might regret later on.

I don't have that opinion, I'm just trying to illustrate the point.

As I said above it’s an unwinnable debate as only those with children know what it’s like to both not have and have children

Ummm no you don't understand both arguments. You clearly wanted children even if you said you didn't for years because you now have them. I NEVER want children and never will have any. As I have said before I know my life would be miserable with a child so I don't have any. No changing my mind ever.

So no you don't know what's it's like to make a decision to be childfree for you whole life. Just like I don't know what it's like to be childless because I can't have children rather than actively making that decision.

Typically this thread has descended into the usual patronising bollocks from smug parents who think that they are superior than non parents.

Actually I wanted children, very very badly. To the extent of having four rounds of IVF and four miscarriages. I then lost ,y husband.

In the last decade I have had to build my life into one without children and, you know what, it is good. It is different to the one I thought I would have, but it is not empty or sad or pointless. It is full of love and friendship and family and children. I work hard at my business but I'm not doing anything special or world changing. I don't need to just to justify my childless state and I don't want to because I want to enjoy my life.
I too get tired and stressed and have a lot of responsibilities including a sick mother in law and an elderly father. I also have the responsibility of keeping a business going and several people in employment.
It is insulting bollocks to say that only people with children can say what it is like to be with and without children. You don't know our experiences and our minds. Even if I had had children I would have had a different experience to you and with or without children, we grow and mature on the journey through life.
It is our differences that make us interesting to each other and we should celebrate having different people in our lives.

No. Not at all. I adore my dcs but find the relentlessness of it all exhausting and could easily imagine a life of reading, travel, friends, a small, uncluttered home and focus on my job and Dp.

I'm quietly a bit judgemental of those who have loads of children, to be honest. It seems irresponsible to me given how stretched resources already are.

I'm quietly a bit judgemental of those who have loads of children, to be honest. It seems irresponsible to me given how stretched resources already are.

Not only that but don't they value their sanity. 1 kid is more than enough for me, especially after never going to have any then a very very late surprise.

Everyone judges. It's human nature.
I'm grateful for the women who choose to be childfree. If we all had them then we'd be in even bigger trouble as a planet than we are now.
I don't really understand their choice because I can't comprehend not wanting a child, just as they probably can't comprehend my choice to have 3. But we're all different and thats a good thing.