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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you judge women who don’t want kids?

827 replies

Ellabella989 · 29/03/2019 10:33

I’m in my early 30s and have decided I never want kids. Literally every single female who I’ve confided in about this, from family members to friends to work colleagues, have been incredibly judgemental and told me i’ll be missing out and will eventually regret it and could potentially spend my later years very lonely if my partner dies before me.
AIBU to find these opinions very irritating? I don’t list all the reasons to them why I think their way of life is less appealing to mine so I don’t see why I have to sit back and basically be told I’m a freak for not wanting kids. Maybe I just know some very judgemental people :-(

OP posts:
HoomanMoomin · 01/04/2019 11:50

I don’t judge them, no. I don’t understand them though. Similar to not understanding people with full face tattoos - it’s their choice, none of my business, but it keeps me puzzled. 🤔

Lostandconfused240 · 01/04/2019 11:53

Not at all. I think it is a completely personal decision and I would never judge someone for it. There are many reasons why it might not be right (infertility, no good partner, financial constraints or as you say, simply not feeling so inclined to be a parent.)

Some people regret having their kids and some people regret not having them. We can all only do the best thing with what we know of ourselves right NOW.

SpoonBlender · 01/04/2019 11:57

Was out at a big family gathering over the weekend - no-one under 30 was planning on having kids. Girls or boys.

Same with me, half again older so well past prime now! I've had people be sympathetic but never been judged on it as far as I know.

Gin96 · 01/04/2019 11:58

@ hearhere I agree but they’re are very few countries that provide this necessity for women

Trills · 01/04/2019 12:01

Abortion may be free of charge in (most of) the UK, but it's not truly freely available.
You have to get two doctors to agree that continuing with the pregnancy risks causing harm to your physical or mental health.

It's also not available at all in N Ireland.

fikel · 01/04/2019 12:02

I never wanted children I was adamant but changed my mind and had my DD at 37.
I don’t judge you at all, everyone’s life is their own to choose but based on my personal experience if you do change your mind, you will think it is the best decision you ever made

Gin96 · 01/04/2019 12:29

@ Trills No you don’t, I didn’t have to have 2 doctors sign me off and didn’t have to prove risk of health as there wasn’t any?

HennyPennyHorror · 01/04/2019 12:30

Agree with gin Trills.....no two doctors to my knowledge!

EmpressLesbianInChair · 01/04/2019 12:32

I never wanted children I was adamant but changed my mind and had my DD at 37. I don’t judge you at all, everyone’s life is their own to choose but based on my personal experience if you do change your mind, you will think it is the best decision you ever made

I'm glad you're so happy but at 45 I think not having kids was the best decision I ever made!

AlexaAmbidextra · 01/04/2019 12:56

if you do change your mind, you will think it is the best decision you ever made

Bit unfortunate if you don’t though isn’t it?

EmpressLesbianInChair · 01/04/2019 13:03

if you do change your mind, you will think it is the best decision you ever made

Bit unfortunate if you don’t though isn’t it?

Well yes. Imagine being persuaded by the “you’ll be so glad you did it” posts & then not being glad after all. You’d be kind of stuck at that point.

Trills · 01/04/2019 13:38

I have quoted the law correctly. www.bpas.org/get-involved/campaigns/briefings/abortion-law/

Your doctor may have got the second to sign off without seeing you, but it does require two.

Many doctors consider that any pregnancy is more medically risky than an abortion, so they can follow the letter of the law and say "there is more risk to your health in continuing the pregnancy".

But we don't technically have abortion available just for saying "I don't want to be pregnant".

buzzbobbly · 01/04/2019 13:41

So many posters grimly holding onto their belief that they "do not judge", immediately followed by some form of "but..." statement.

Yeah, ok love. Whatever makes you happy.

clairemcnam · 01/04/2019 13:42

No one knows how your life would be if you did have or didn't have children. You can not compare it to your life at an earlier point in time. I was miserable at 22. If I had had kids at 23, I could have looked back and thought my life is much better than before I had kids. But with or without kids, my life had changed by the time I was 23.
All we can do is make what seem the best decisions at the time, and make the most of them.

EmpressLesbianInChair · 01/04/2019 13:49

I don’t judge them, no. I don’t understand them though. Similar to not understanding people with full face tattoos - it’s their choice, none of my business, but it keeps me puzzled.

GrinGrinGrin That's absolutely fine. I don't understand people who have kids, but as you say it's your choice!

SerenDippitty · 01/04/2019 13:57

@Teacher22 you say you are not being judgemental but this

We also notice that they are different from our friends with children. It is as if having children allows you to mature and move on and there is a deep happiness and satisfaction with life when there is another generation (or perhaps too) to carry on.

is MASSIVELY judgemental.

SpoonBlender · 01/04/2019 14:25

I think Teacher22 is mistaking "enforced buckling down and being responsible 24/7 for years and years" as "maturing". They're not the same thing.

I blame Stockholm syndrome.

Gin96 · 01/04/2019 14:28

@ Trills that’s the only reason I gave, I didn’t want to have a baby, to my doctor and I was given an abortion within 2 weeks? I was and am happily married and didn’t want a 3rd child, the doctor never saw a problem with it? So glad I was able to make that choice

Gin96 · 01/04/2019 14:34

@ Trills that is interesting reading, it is down to the doctors discretion by the sounds of it and is very open to interpretation by the doctors involved.

EscapeAnywhere · 01/04/2019 14:45

We also notice that they are different from our friends with children

So judgmental. And you're enforcing an 'otherness'.

For those with children, I feel there are two camps in their minds - those who are parents and those who are not. An 'us' and 'them'. Childless couples are seen as lesser, as less enriched, more selfish, having an 'easier time of it' but at the same time 'missing out'. And they are very much not in the club.

But for those without children, those camps don't exist in the same way. There's no 'otherness' to those with kids, just a different lifestyle.

SerenDippitty · 01/04/2019 15:04

It's that other tired old cliche that "you never really grow up until you've had children".

Lottapianos · 01/04/2019 15:39

'Bit unfortunate if you don’t though isn’t it?'

Grin indeed. To put it mildly!

I am so bored of this idea that people who are not parents are immature, or selfish, or living some kind of wild, hedonistic, responsibility-free lifestyle where you get to do whatever you want every minute of the day. Very few of us are living a life of exotic holidays and fancy cars and endless champagne. We're adults with responsibilities and worries and stresses and aches and pains just like everyone else. Yes, even the poor martyred parents Hmm

EmpressLesbianInChair · 01/04/2019 15:55

Has anyone mentioned Technicolor yet?

Dieu · 01/04/2019 15:56

I would never judge them. I may at times be jealous of their lifestyle choice - good on them I say! - but no, I wouldn't judge.

BadLad · 01/04/2019 15:56

I don't think so, which is good, because that was probably the stupidest comment ever made about having children.