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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you judge women who don’t want kids?

827 replies

Ellabella989 · 29/03/2019 10:33

I’m in my early 30s and have decided I never want kids. Literally every single female who I’ve confided in about this, from family members to friends to work colleagues, have been incredibly judgemental and told me i’ll be missing out and will eventually regret it and could potentially spend my later years very lonely if my partner dies before me.
AIBU to find these opinions very irritating? I don’t list all the reasons to them why I think their way of life is less appealing to mine so I don’t see why I have to sit back and basically be told I’m a freak for not wanting kids. Maybe I just know some very judgemental people :-(

OP posts:
Aria999 · 30/03/2019 21:20

@Ellabella989

I find it bizarre when my sister badgers me all the time to consider having kids when she appears to resent motherhood massively.

Misery loves company 😂

BaaBaaBaaMoo · 30/03/2019 21:25

I think well done them. Live your life as you want to. 3dc later often think fondly of life before dc!

EmpressLesbianInChair · 30/03/2019 21:29

However, it means you don't have a right to moan about loneliness in your later years.

Then you’re saying parents have no right to moan about any aspect of parenthood?

ReigateNewMum · 30/03/2019 21:32

Yes

EustaciaPieface · 30/03/2019 21:58

I’m 47, no children through choice. No regrets. Have parents in their 80s and 90s. They would be horrified if they thought that I was here to ‘help’ them. They’re very independent.

JJ2018 · 30/03/2019 22:00

I wasted my 30's consumed by wanting to meet mr right and have kids. Then at the end of my 30's a family member got sick so their child came to live with me, the child was a toddler at the time and I loved being a mum. But now I'm in my early 40's and I have my own very successful business, so I no longer want a child, my priorities have changed. I actually couldn't think of anything worse. When I tell people this I get the same reaction, just ignore it. People always have something to say, if you had a child to tick that box but then was a terrible mother they would have something to say about that too 🙄.

Tubs11 · 30/03/2019 22:04

I've a daughter but many of my friends don't have kids out of choice. I LOVE going out with them as I talk lovingly about my child for all of 5 mins before moving on to other topics of conversation. I certainly didn't have a child to curb potential loneliness later on in life. I'm well aware that she may move to the other side of the world when she's older and more power to her if that's what she wants out of life. We had a child because we wanted to.

mrswilson2 · 30/03/2019 22:23

Absolutely not. I actually quite admire women who choose not to have kids.

mrswilson2 · 30/03/2019 22:25

ReigateNewMum , why ?

Cornishclio · 30/03/2019 22:29

I could not care less if people choose to have kids or not so long as they don't judge me for having them. Why even announce it? Just tell people to mind their own business.

littlemoot · 30/03/2019 23:20

Your decision should be respected.Twenty five years on I’ve some friends who I know why they don’t have children and some who have never discussed it. It’s your choice to discuss it.

moita · 31/03/2019 00:00

I remember mentioning it on here, possibly when I first joined MN before I had DS, and had several posters say that if they encountered a sibling group of four, all without children, they would assume we’d had a terrible childhood. I was a bit taken aback.

My DH and his brother both became dads for the first time in their 40s - they both had lots of comments in their 30s about both of them being single and childless. Like there was some backstory about their upbringing or something Hmm

OP - I wouldn't judge at all. I love being a mum but bloody hell it's hard. I have a child with complex needs: my life's changed beyond recognition. If I'd had her without wanting to really be a mum then I'm not sure how I'd cope.

manicmij · 31/03/2019 00:06

Never. Wish some others didn't either. Not knowing your reasons and they are for you to know and no one else's business I think a lot of folk do have children without thinking of the huge commitment and financial burden that comes with them.

HelloDarlin · 31/03/2019 00:08

I know that my friends would love to see me with a baby. I had a miscarriage at 41. I miss that baby all the time. But this is my life, whether folk like it or not.
It wasn’t bothered enough about having kids, when I was younger. I think people don’t have them for all sorts of reasons... So no need to judge. But plenty do!

Vivianebrezilletbrooks · 31/03/2019 03:19

Yes I'm with you OP.
I don't want kids,never have and I'm pretty sure I can't have them now for a number of reasons.
Oh I've had the "Who will look after you when you're old" speech at me too.
They didn't mean it maliciously but I was like "Err..that's not a reason!"
Oh I've had some crazy responses myself including "Oh she hates babies!" Which came of the back of me saying I didn't want kids.
Just ignore the people who get judgemental,I'm used to dealing with people like that now.

Catsinthecupboard · 31/03/2019 03:28

The woman who is alone is 100% alone. No siblings. No children and her dh died 4 years ago. NO RELATIVES.

She has a few people who think that they may inherit from her who help. Not with love.

And while i realize that dc move, we moved 13 hours from my df, but i arranged his care long distance. I took care of him from afar. My dh and dc also helped him.

My point to the OP was that there are both good and bad aspects to having dc.

I didn't say that OP was selfish.

And frankly, i think that if one person in the marriage really wants children, it's a bit selfish to refuse to at least entertain the idea. If a woman wanted children, how would the mn population feel about a husband denying them?

Marriage is a partnership. Children are a normal, natural desire for many people. My dh didn't really want dc. He loved me, said yes to dc bc i very much wanted them. He loves them and is happy we decided to have them. He's a wonderful father and our dc adore him.

I don't like to move but bc i love him, I've moved with him 10xs

Marriage is about compassion and compromise. However you end up, both people should be at peace with the decisions.
Life isn't fair and marriages aren't about equality; both people will need to give 70%-100% at different times in a relationship.

Sometimes, it's who will be the least unhappy. Not who will be happier.

I don't judge one way or the other regarding this choice. I have friends with and without. Some would have been wonderful parents but didn't and some are lousy parents who shouldn't own plants.

squeekums · 31/03/2019 03:57

I think that she was terribly selfish bc her dh wanted them
Oh HELL NO. He is selfish if he expects a woman to risk her body and life against their will.
If he wanted kids, marry someone else who does. Or advance science so men can gestate

And frankly, i think that if one person in the marriage really wants children, it's a bit selfish to refuse to at least entertain the idea. If a woman wanted children, how would the mn population feel about a husband denying them?

Ahh no, it's not selfish for a woman to say she don't want kids, even when married. Married don't equal obligation to breed.

I said my whole life I never wanted kids, NEVER has this so called inbuilt desire for them, then I found out I was 27 weeks pregnant, no warning at all. So now I have one dd. DP would love to try for a boy, I refuse as I do not want to be pregnant or give birth again, the idea leaves me cold, wanting to cut my own uterus out. Since it is my body at risk, I make the final call, I won't even entertain the idea.

BadLad · 31/03/2019 04:50

Does anyone ever ask a man the same question? Very rarely

Actually that happens quite often, although I'm sure women get it more.

Dohangoversgetworseasyougetold · 31/03/2019 06:59

"If a woman wanted children, how would the mn population feel about a husband denying them?"

I believe the consensus on Mumsnet when those questions come up is usually "your DH has a right not to want children, you have a right to want them. Nobody's fault save that you should both have discussed this before you got married. If it's a deal-breaker for you, you need to move on" .

I only ever see men who don't want children getting flak if they've been dishonest about their wishes or repeatedly said "I do want kids but not yet" when they didn't mean it.

Dohangoversgetworseasyougetold · 31/03/2019 07:32

I'm not sure I've ever met a woman who said she didn't want children and then realised when it was too late that she did. Not saying they don't exist, just that, in my experience, the opposite journey is far more common (i.e. I've met plenty of women who included children in their life goals because it's THE accepted life goal, and then, when they still weren't in the right place by their late 30s/ early 40s, they realised that they weren't sufficiently fond of kids to have them at any cost/ under any circumstances, so they moved on and are enjoying their lives).

notacooldad · 31/03/2019 07:34

Does anyone ever ask a man the same question? Very rarely
If course men get asked!
Where did you get very rarely from?

Sforsh49 · 31/03/2019 07:40

My husband and I took a conscious decision not to have children. It was a conversation we had fairly early on when we realised we were serious about each other. We simply don't want any of our own. We have nephews and nieces and we both absolutely love kids we just have no desire to have our own.

People kept saying "you'll change your mind" because society seems to expect it. No we won't. We've been together 12 years now and people have started to accept it now and these comments are less frequent.

If my DH turned round and told me he desperately wanted a child, then I would have to think seriously about it but honestly? I love him and despite it not being what I want from life I would likely try for him. Because marriage is about compromise. I know he won't though.

I've often thought "but what if I'm old, widowed and lonely?" But that's not a reason to have kids, they are not responsible for caring for me when I'm old, (though I would without question look after my Dad if he needs it) and you may have a fractured relationship that means we simply might be NC. There's no guarantees in having kids.

converseandjeans · 31/03/2019 07:43

No I don't. Each to their own. So many people moan about their kids. They are hard work and I wouldn't advise having them unless you really want them.

EscapeAnywhere · 31/03/2019 07:49

If a woman wanted children, how would the mn population feel about a husband denying them?

Firstly, it's a discussion you should have before you marry someone. And if it's a deal breaker, she'd be advised to leave the relationship to be with someone who wants the same as her.

Yes there needs to be compromise in a marriage but absolutely not when it comes to having or not having DC. You have to be on the same page.

Raspberry88 · 31/03/2019 07:50

And frankly, i think that if one person in the marriage really wants children, it's a bit selfish to refuse to at least entertain the idea. If a woman wanted children, how would the mn population feel about a husband denying them?

Hmm You seem to think you know a lot about your friends relationship! It clearly wasn't a deal breaker for him though, was it!? It's not like once you're married there's no chance of escape, if he'd wanted children that much they could have separated. Anyway, no. It's not selfish. Not selfish for a woman to have the right to decide what happens to her body, her mind, her life. Having children is completely life changing, there shouldn't be any compromising there.
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