Do you judge women who don’t want kids?

[Ellabella989]

I’m in my early 30s and have decided I never want kids. Literally every single female who I’ve confided in about this, from family members to friends to work colleagues, have been incredibly judgemental and told me i’ll be missing out and will eventually regret it and could potentially spend my later years very lonely if my partner dies before me.
AIBU to find these opinions very irritating? I don’t list all the reasons to them why I think their way of life is less appealing to mine so I don’t see why I have to sit back and basically be told I’m a freak for not wanting kids. Maybe I just know some very judgemental people :-(

@Catsinthecupboard perhaps she was being the best parent she could be by not becoming one if she's as bad as you are making her out (you know, your friend...)...her DH sounds like a moron for marrying someone who doesn't want kids, who the fuck has children just because their partner wants them like some sort of 1920s duty, that would be beyond stupid.

*But I have to ask - if you don't have kids and don't want them, why do you have a mumsnet profile?"
seriously??
Have you not seen the 100's of threads that ask the same question on a regular basis.
The answer , in a nutshell is e diverse topics it gives that you dont need to be a parent for, eg sport, films, money matters, housekeeping, dogs,style and beauty, exercise, weight loss etc etc!!

No wouldn't judge someone who wouldn't want kids. Nobody's business but yours.

However i did judge a parent on train, who had headphones on and listening to music, with beer can in hand. whereas her daughter aged 4, was sat beside her bored and upset.

I think that she was terribly selfish bc her dh wanted them

Why should his desire for children trump hers not to? She wasn’t selfish unless she’d pretended she wanted them and then said no.

But I have to ask - if you don't have kids and don't want them, why do you have a mumsnet profile?
You don’t, not really. You’re just being lazy. You could have just bothered to RTFT & seen how many times that question has already been asked / answered on thid thread.

I am one of 4 girls, the only one with kids, we are all over 40, 2 never wanted kids, so what, my youngest sister is still 'thinking', no-one in my family has judged them for this, everyone has their own reasons, no big deal.

Not having a child when you know you don't want one is a responsible choice. Calling someone selfless for not bringing an entire human being into the world when they can't love them like they deserve is really irresponsible.

I imagine there are vast amounts of mothers who regret having children. I imagine they'd never admit it either. I had moments thinking what have i done during earlier years. I imagine many of those making such comments have or still do have such feelings. So they feel better making you feel crap.
It took time for me to love being a mum so i get it. I think you are fab for saving us all from endless facebook pics no one really wants to see, for saving the planet of one more blood sucker, and for just living and enjoying your life.
You will have freedoms many of the commentators will never have.
Id prepare a stock response to any garbage people put your way on the subject- something like " I don't want children no and I feel the luckiest person in the world that I live in a society where I have that choice. I love my life. ' That is prob true if you think about it
Xxx

I was simply saying you don't know. Some people make that choice and others use it as a way of hiding their secrets. If a person is judging you for making that statement it's shows more about them then it does the person being judged. That's true about any one who judges another.

twinkle, do you ever get weird remarks about none of you having children? I’m in the same position as you, one of four siblings, and the only one to have a child (sisters past childbearing age, brother could still), and until I had my son at 40, we were all childfree.

I remember mentioning it on here, possibly when I first joined MN before I had DS, and had several posters say that if they encountered a sibling group of four, all without children, they would assume we’d had a terrible childhood. I was a bit taken aback.

I believe you hear these comments because your not wanting kids may seem to your friends/family like you are judging them and their kids. So their reaction to your decision may be defensive. For my part, I couldn’t care less if people do or don’t want children!

A more telling question would be to ask women with children if they regret having them, or if they were able to do things over they would be child free from choice. That is the taboo as no one will admit to it but we all know that there are those who would do things differently.

Does anyone ever ask a man the same question? Very rarely.

Being child free doesn’t mean you hate children either. Some people are fantastic aunts or godmothers (or uncles or godfathers) and want to do something else with their lives.

I have total respect for women who decide they don't want to have children, rather than those that have them because 'society' tells us this is how it should be. Within my friendship group (friends since nursery school), half do have children and the other half don't. From conversations with those that don't it's a mixture of deliberate choice and circumstances (e.g. not met right partner). I do not think you need to have children to make your life 'complete', however I feel sad for those who really do want them but for whatever reason it isn't going to happen.

Nope. None of my business whether someone male or female wants to be responsible for a bunch of small human shape monsters or not. Yes it can be rewarding. But it’s not for everyone and it’s also hard. You make sacrifices that you wouldn’t have to make without them. To be honest if I’d have known more about the planet and the world in general when I had my kids I probably would have chosen not to have children either. Anyway, I know friends with and without kids and I accept that for each of them that’s their choice not mine and they probably made those choices for their own good reasons.

I have 4 children ( all grown up now) and whilst I’m delighted that I had children, I would never judge anyone who didn’t want them.
It’s entirely their decision and nothing to do with anyone else.

I will never understand why people think it’s their business if someone doesn’t want children, and why they feel the need to “convince” her to procreate. I don’t judge at all women who don’t want children and in fact I admire them, but I do judge the busybodies who care so much if a woman doesn't want children.

canadianbanana

I have never randomly gone up to a parent and said "urgh, I never want to have children". In every conversation I have had, the parent is the most defensite first, my conversation generally go like this:

Parent: ooohhh, when are you going to have children?
Me:. I don't want children. I do not have maternal instinct, so it wouldn't be fair to have children
Parent: oh no. You'll make a great mother. You'll see you'll change your mind.
Me: . Well I am 37, if the clock was ticking I would have heard it by now.
Parent: You should have children because you'll never know love like it. You don't know true unconditional love until you have children.
Me: I like my life now and have no desire to change it.

If I'm really pissed off I may say something like "you know, I love spending my money on holidays, clothes, expensive make up." Normally ends the conversation. Admittedly I'm more patient with friends than I am with people I don't know. If you have ever had some 'bragging' about the joys of being childless, chances are it was me and you pissed me off

I am only surprised that more women don’t decide against having children when it’s easier now than ever to make that choice (because of widely available contraception, the opportunity to own a property without being married etc).

But I realise that even now women can face a lot of derision for deciding against it.

That said, I think I have only ever been asked when / if I’m having children once (in my late 30s) and I was quite taken aback by it.

I don’t know if it’s because people are more tolerant of different choices in the circles I move in or it’s just down to luck or whatever. It probably helps that I live in a city.

I don’t judge but i do feel a little sad for them. Mainly because my aunt never had any children & I’ve grown up watching her project her maternal instincts on her sister’s children. I think she regretted her choice once it was too late to change it but each to their own. Some people just don’t want children and that’s their business. No one elses

kkmuppet ^ (and others posting judging similarly) to want children - and you may well stay that way - but you can’t be sure how you will feel in 5,10,15 years’ time so just take a few mins to consider if you might want to freeze some eggs just in case - that way your options are a bit more open for longer. I SO wish I had done and saved a lot of heartache.^

I'm mid 40s now. Not in all my memory has being a mum been something I've wanted. So that's at least 30-35 years. Is that bloody well long enough to know my own mind?

In a similar vein, let's hope you have the details of adoption agencies to hand. You know, just in case you change your mind about having children a few years down the line?

I have a friend who never had dc. She's a widow now and alone. She could really use a relative to help her.

I’m always bothered when people assume that adult children will stick around to “help.” How is that fair to the children? Aren’t they supposed to grow up and live their own lives, follow their dreams, start their own families and find jobs they enjoy? Is that why people should have children; so they have live-in caregivers when they are elderly? What a terrible thought. I don’t want to limit my children like that, expecting them to take care of me in my golden years. This is not quid pro quo, “I did for you so now you have to do for me.”

I wouldn't judge at all. Your life, your choices. If I'm honest, I would think that you would miss out as a result of that choice, but I wouldn't ever dream of saying so.

Read some grans net posts where they are sad and lonely as their children do not see/visit them or don't have time for them or put huge strain on them with their behaviour etc. One of my friends was desperate for children, had a child and hated the whole thing. The strain broke up her marriage and she left the child with its dad and moved away. I think you have every right not to have children and it is no one else's business.

I don’t judge but i do feel a little sad for them.

Ok... What if I told you that when someone tells me they’re pregnant, I don’t judge but I do feel a little sad for them because they’re choosing a life that I can’t imagine wanting myself, and they only have a very short timeframe to change their mind?

My best friend is childless by choice. She adores my DC and spends plenty of time with them and her nieces and nephews. She's incredible with children and babysits mine happily, it's just not something she's ever wanted.

No judgement or questioning - she is who she is and I love her however she chooses to live her life. I don't think it's healthy for women to have children then suddenly drop their childless friends and only be surrounded with playground Mums. I'm so much more than my DCs Mum.