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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you judge women who don’t want kids?

827 replies

Ellabella989 · 29/03/2019 10:33

I’m in my early 30s and have decided I never want kids. Literally every single female who I’ve confided in about this, from family members to friends to work colleagues, have been incredibly judgemental and told me i’ll be missing out and will eventually regret it and could potentially spend my later years very lonely if my partner dies before me.
AIBU to find these opinions very irritating? I don’t list all the reasons to them why I think their way of life is less appealing to mine so I don’t see why I have to sit back and basically be told I’m a freak for not wanting kids. Maybe I just know some very judgemental people :-(

OP posts:

BiteyShark · 30/03/2019 18:40

I think it's a very brave decision as I think it's inbuilt to want to have children.

Never felt an inner longing or whatever it is people feel that make them want children.

greenpop21 · 30/03/2019 18:40

Having chn is massive and seriously long term. My DM would say it doesn't matter if they're 40, you still worry about them. I am full of admiration for women being brave enough to say no, actually, I don't want to follow a social norm. I admire that far more than parents who have kids and send them off to childcare asap.

AlexaAmbidextra · 30/03/2019 18:43

But I'm intrigued why you're asking this on mumsnet which is 'by parents for parents', what response do you want exactly?

Some people really do have very limited thought processes don’t they?

minou123 · 30/03/2019 18:47

Think you'll find most parents are too busy with their own lives to judge others.

This is the funniest thing I have read, ever

I rarely post on threads about children etc, because, well, who am I judge or give advice. But I do read them and I have read some really shocking judgements from one parent to another.

nuxe1984 · 30/03/2019 18:51

Totally your decision and none of their bloody business!

notacooldad · 30/03/2019 18:55

It wouldn't occur to me to judge because its non of my buisness.
There are a couple if couples in our friendship group that havent children and I dont know why. If they wanted me to know i guess they would have told me.
I do ha e a friend d who wants children and cant. She always says to people who ask that she hasn't been blessed with children and that let's oeople know the situation and they dont worry any further.

MaxNormal · 30/03/2019 18:58

I think it's a very brave decision as I think it's inbuilt to want to have children. Especially in women.

Definitely no inbuilt desire here! Honestly it wasn't a brace decision. It was just something I really didn't want so I didn't do it.

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 30/03/2019 18:59

"But I have to ask - if you don't have kids and don't want them, why do you have a mumsnet profile?"

Because I get masochistic pleasure out of stupid comments like this.

goodfornothinggnome · 30/03/2019 19:12

God, I'm really aghast at seeing some of the stuff that's been said to those who choose not to have children, absolutely aghast, youd think some of these "higher beings" not too "wrapped up in themselves" might have a little more understanding.
Having a child does not always equal a carer for older years, DHs man had 7 kids, and shes in a home! Children are not always the warm squishy love bugs they're made out to be either!

One of the loveliest, most caring people I know has chosen not to have children, she likes them, but doesn't want them herself and time has passed for that, but she is absolutely wonderful, so kind, and because the way she treats people, there will be many around who will opt to share the load when she is old, because they love her, not because they're duty bound.

minou123 · 30/03/2019 19:15

MaxNormal - I completely agree.

What a stupid statement, 'it's inbuilt to want to have children'. Its really not. I have zero maternal instincts or desire to have children. Why is this difficult for you to understand?. Not everyone is made the same. Not all women are made the same.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 30/03/2019 19:25

I am childfree (aged 37). Actually only one person has ever asked me if I am going to have kids, a neighbour I don't know very well. When I said no, she admitted that she wished she hadn't had any!

I certainly don't feel judged or feel like anyone is particularly interested in my choices, which is how it should be.

ittakes2 · 30/03/2019 19:27

No - I admire people who are clear on what they want in life.
I would say my sister was so adamant she did not want children she had her tubes tied late 20s to get rid of the risk. She had IVF late 30s.

PandarenDruid · 30/03/2019 19:27

But I'm intrigued why you're asking this on mumsnet which is 'by parents for parents', what response do you want exactly?

Oh ffs! To quote my post upthread:

What's with the gatekeeping? Plenty of threads/topics on this site have nothing to do with children. But if you really must know, I came for the parking drama, stayed for the CFs. HTH.

Asta19 · 30/03/2019 19:29

Like perfectstorm my mum didn’t want kids. She will admit she doesn’t have a maternal bone in her body but it was just “what women did” back then. We suffered for that. Then grandkids came along and she didn’t want them either. The first great grandchild has just been born and again, not one drop of interest. It’s sad. You have two kids who were neglected by their mum. 4 grandkids who wonder why their grandmother never cared about them like their friends grannies did. I know all the grandkids have said they won’t feel much when she dies because to them she’s a distant relative. One they see rarely and who clearly doesn’t care. I wish my mum had just said no I don’t want children.

Billben · 30/03/2019 19:34

No, I don’t judge. Instead, I kind of admire them for not giving in so to speak and having a few kids just in case they regret their decision of not having them later on when it would be too late.

Catsinthecupboard · 30/03/2019 19:35

I have a friend who never had dc. She's a widow now and alone. She could really use a relative to help her.

I think that she was terribly selfish bc her dh wanted them. She's selfish in everyway, from manipulating to being a cf.

Children start out little and sweet and then....every person you meet was a child once.

My mother used to say,"babies are nice. Too bad they grow into people."

You're a parent forever.

Your choice. Your life. Good and bad about either decision.

IceRebel · 30/03/2019 19:37

She could really use a relative to help her.

So she has no siblings, or relatives of her husband, SIL BIL etc? Why must it be a child who helps her?

OhLookMarch · 30/03/2019 19:37

I don't have children, don't want them and can't stand being anywhere near babies and toddlers in restaurants.

I came on here for mortgage advice and anxiety support. Stayed for the friendship and bridezilla threads!

HarrysOwl · 30/03/2019 19:39

I think that she was terribly selfish bc her dh wanted them

Much better to not have kids if you don't want them than to feel pressured and resent your child/children.

She's a widow now and alone. She could really use a relative to help her

Having DC doesn't automatically grant you a free carer.

SerenDippitty · 30/03/2019 19:41

I have a friend who never had dc. She's a widow now and alone. She could really use a relative to help her.

If she’d had children they could be living in Australia now.

HarrysOwl · 30/03/2019 19:42

@SerenDippitty

I feel like we keep having to make the same points with new posters that haven't RTFT

MaxNormal · 30/03/2019 19:43

I think that she was terribly selfish bc her dh wanted them

Not at all selfish! It's her body that would have grown them, her health risked birthing them.

Lucia1234 · 30/03/2019 19:45

I love kids......but never wanted them myself. I know I'm far too selfish but as the late great Katherine Hepburn said being selfish never stopped people having kids....but perhaps it should have done !

SerenDippitty · 30/03/2019 19:46

We do don’t we @HarrysOwl..

Kkmuppet · 30/03/2019 19:49

I didn’t want children at your age and had always said I would never have any - I was so sure! .... fast forward to age 39 and an accidental pregnancy and suddenly I realised that I was happy about it and did want it. I lost that baby and multiple others before eventually getting my family as if left it a bit late.
Reason for posting this - absolutely your choice and totally fine not to want children - and you may well stay that way - but you can’t be sure how you will feel in 5,10,15 years’ time so just take a few mins to consider if you might want to freeze some eggs just in case - that way your options are a bit more open for longer. I SO wish I had done and saved a lot of heartache.

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