Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do you judge women who don’t want kids?

827 replies

Ellabella989 · 29/03/2019 10:33

I’m in my early 30s and have decided I never want kids. Literally every single female who I’ve confided in about this, from family members to friends to work colleagues, have been incredibly judgemental and told me i’ll be missing out and will eventually regret it and could potentially spend my later years very lonely if my partner dies before me.
AIBU to find these opinions very irritating? I don’t list all the reasons to them why I think their way of life is less appealing to mine so I don’t see why I have to sit back and basically be told I’m a freak for not wanting kids. Maybe I just know some very judgemental people :-(

OP posts:
Keener · 30/03/2019 14:34

No judgement from me, maybe privately a bit sad for them but that is just going from my own experience as someone who never liked or wanted kids till I had my own and I love them so much a and have changed me so much that I some times feel a bit 'you don't know what you are missing' to childless people

I'd save the sadness. It's very lucky that you turned out to like parenthood after not wanting or planning to do it, but surely you can see what a high-risk strategy that was, and how terrible the potential fallout for you and your children could have been otherwise? Hmm

I do find it odd that some women very early on say in their 20's are so sure they will never have children. As life experiences and other things to change our views and outlooks on life and I've met a few women who would have said this in their 20's but then had children in their 40's because they wanted to.

And you've probably met other women who caved in to social pressure, or fell in love with someone who was baby-hungry, or had an impulse baby for some reason when it was probably a poor decision as regards their personal happiness changes in outlook due to life events are not always permanent, or inevitably a good thing. And you've probably also met women who knew they didn't want children at 20 and continued to not want them at 40 some people just have more self-knowledge at 20 than others.

ComeBackPeterComeBackPaul · 30/03/2019 14:40

No. It's not for everyone and it's your choice.

MrsBartlettforthewin · 30/03/2019 14:43

I wouldn't judge you at all. I'd admire you for being honest about what you want. I would judge if you started referring to woman who do have kids as breeders as moaning about kids being in public places looking at you old friend from uni

LouJJersey · 30/03/2019 16:43

People like that piss me off. They’re probably jealous. Live your life and pull them up on their rudeness x

cannotfindanickname · 30/03/2019 17:24

I respect every woman’s right to make their own decision on what is right for them.

mokapot · 30/03/2019 17:26

God no!
You could adopt me tho

mrst3 · 30/03/2019 17:46

I suppose I do judge... and thats because its all I wanted in life. I had the partner the decent enough job and got to late 30s and boom was so very desperate for a child. It happened eventually but with a trip abroad and intervention I became a mum at 42. Sad as it sounds for me personally I do think my life wasnt complete and I've never felt love like the love I feel for my daughter.

perfectstorm · 30/03/2019 17:48

My mum wishes she'd never had kids. She loves us, but she came from a generation where there wasn't really a choice, socially, as there is now. She hated the drudgery and found children irritating and exasperating, and to be perfectly honest, we knew it. Kids always do. It wasn't anyone's fault, but I think people should only have kids if they absolutely want them. They drain so much time, money, and energy from you and they are very hard on a marriage, too.

I love being a mum. I'm so pleased I did it. But I'd never, ever, judge someone who felt life offered other things. That's honest, and actually a lot fairer on the potential child, too.

Lots of people I knew did change their minds, and they do love being parents. You may. But you may not. Either is a valid and worthwhile choice, and you have my admiration for swimming against the tide.

It's also fairly sexist, that we see women this way. Childless men are far less likely to be seen as unfulfilled, and few expect them to die as cat gentlemen. We still regard women as reproductive in a way we don't men. Biology need not be destiny.

clairemcnam · 30/03/2019 17:50

I have never ever heard a father say he felt his life was not complete until he had a child.

BiteyShark · 30/03/2019 17:57

I have never ever heard a father say he felt his life was not complete until he had a child.

Neither have I. I suspect that is because society and clearly a number of women define themselves on being a parent and raising children so that it is all encompassing so how can we childless women not be complete Hmm

I am getting towards the age when it will be physically impossible to get pregnant. I can't wait as I have spent a large portion of my life trying to ensure that I never ever have a child.

Hearhere · 30/03/2019 18:08

It wasn't anyone's fault, but I think people should only have kids if they absolutely want them. They drain so much time, money, and energy from you and they are very hard on a marriage, too
I agree but if the only ones who had kids were those who could genuinely afford it in every sense (ie mentally, emotionally, as well as financially) the population would nosedive

HarrysOwl · 30/03/2019 18:11

But I have to ask - if you don't have kids and don't want them, why do you have a mumsnet profile

Hmm

I also have an opinion on the government, even though I've never been prime minister. Is that okay?

simiisme · 30/03/2019 18:16

I judge women who pop out child after child and don't look after them. Some women seem addicted to having babies and forget To pay any attention to them once they're past the cute baby stage.
I totally believe and respect women who don't want children. I wonder if men who don't want children have half the world telling them that they don't know their own minds?

Ladyjane73 · 30/03/2019 18:20

I am 45 and never made a "conscious decision"to not gave children, but my life path took that route, I dont regret it or feel bad nor do i feel as though I've "missed out" how can I miss something I dont have?
I have travelled the world, worked in different countries and experienced things that only a person without children can do, I have worked on cruise ships and lived in cephalonia and Spain, I am an only child and the only person I feel for is my mother, however she is proud if my achievements in life and is proud of me, I now have my own business and my own money, at no point did i listen to people warning me and making that disappointed face saying "tick tock" time is running out, it is my life and my future, it is also my body.
I have never met the right guy to start a family with and i certainly haven't wanted to "breed" because of peer pressure or that society expects me to.
I have had and will continue to have a fulfilled, rich and happy life, without children, i will also look forward to the memories i will continue to make on MY life path, so if anyone judges a woman for making a life decision such as not having children, they should take an look at themselves and think of the decisions they have made in their own lives and question how their lives would have been if they had made them differently.

Valanice1989 · 30/03/2019 18:29

I judge people who have children and do a shit job of raising them. I absolutely do not judge people who don't have children.

The idea that remaining childless makes you selfish is mind-boggling. Go to your local maternity ward and count the number of pregnant women with fags hanging out of their mouths. Many people have children because they want little trophies, not because they actually want to take care of them.

graysquirrel · 30/03/2019 18:29

Think you'll find most parents are too busy with their own lives to judge others.
But I'm intrigued why you're asking this on mumsnet which is 'by parents for parents', what response do you want exactly?

PurpleDaisies · 30/03/2019 18:29

Think you'll find most parents are too busy with their own lives to judge others.

😂😂😂😂😂

Frazzledstar1 · 30/03/2019 18:30

Your friends and family sound awful op Flowers

flabbymommy · 30/03/2019 18:30

I understand that you feel that way and it’s disgusting that people are being judgmental. Whenever people tell they don’t want kids I accept it and move on simply because in the past I had a friend who secretly wanted to be a mother but couldn’t because of an accident as a child. She hated that people would give her that look of pity when she explained it and so just started say she didn’t have kids because she didn’t want them.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/03/2019 18:31

Yanbu at all, kids aren't everyone's cup of tea, and not everybody is able to have them.

Pondwater · 30/03/2019 18:32

flabby, sometimes women who say they don’t want children aren’t hiding a secret sorrow. They just don’t want them. Do you have to convert it into an affliction rather than a choice?

HarrysOwl · 30/03/2019 18:32

*But I'm intrigued why you're asking this on mumsnet which is 'by parents for parents', what response do you want exactly?"

And another one. MN Bingo!

greenpop21 · 30/03/2019 18:33

Before I had chn , yes. Now as a mother of teens, no. I love my DC and don't regret having them but I now see not having chn as a valid option and see the massive benefits whereas before I could only hear my hormones.My eldest DD18 doesn't want children and I totally support her in her choice.

EdWinchester · 30/03/2019 18:37

Not judge, but admire.

I think it's a very brave decision as I think it's inbuilt to want to have children. Especially in women.

I am quite fond of mine, but would my life be worse if I hadn't had them?

No.

PurpleDaisies · 30/03/2019 18:38

I think it's a very brave decision as I think it's inbuilt to want to have children.

Not every woman wants children.

Swipe left for the next trending thread