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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you judge women who don’t want kids?

827 replies

Ellabella989 · 29/03/2019 10:33

I’m in my early 30s and have decided I never want kids. Literally every single female who I’ve confided in about this, from family members to friends to work colleagues, have been incredibly judgemental and told me i’ll be missing out and will eventually regret it and could potentially spend my later years very lonely if my partner dies before me.
AIBU to find these opinions very irritating? I don’t list all the reasons to them why I think their way of life is less appealing to mine so I don’t see why I have to sit back and basically be told I’m a freak for not wanting kids. Maybe I just know some very judgemental people :-(

OP posts:
Traveler001 · 30/03/2019 12:21

Jessie- in active at the moment there are only 4 posts that have anything to do with children, 1 is barely to do with children, more career, but does include children and the other 3 could easily be answered by childfree/less people.

cheapskatemum · 30/03/2019 12:21

I don’t judge you as it is entirely up to you. I run a charity for isolated elderly people. Some that we provide services for are don’t have children. Others do have children, but rarely, if ever see them. Having children not a failsafe way of ensuring company in old age.

Ninkaninus · 30/03/2019 12:22

I cannot stand the ‘why are you on Mumsnet if you don’t have children’ line of thought!

WTAF?

Do you mean to tell me that motherhood defines you to such a degree, that your whole existence and identity is subsumed by it to such a degree, that being a parent is the only reason you can think of to be a member of this site?

Not for the interesting discussions, witty, funny and clever people, wide-ranging topics including relationships, legal advice, employment, feminist perspectives, opportunities for growth in knowledge and understanding or any number of extremely useful and vital support networks one might need as a person, never mind as a parent?

God some people are dense.

cheapskatemum · 30/03/2019 12:23

Sorry, pls ignore “are” in line 3. I should have proof read before posting.

ijustdontunderstandher · 30/03/2019 12:24

I don’t judge at all. Having a child is an extremely big thing and if people don’t feel like they’re able to do that then I’d respect them a lot more than if they brought a child into the world just because they thought they had to

alaric77 · 30/03/2019 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Darkstar4855 · 30/03/2019 12:32

Yes - I judge them as being very sensible! Having kids is tough going and I can’t imagine how you would cope if you didn’t really want them. Not having kids is a very valid choice.

MigGril · 30/03/2019 12:33

No I don't judge everyone makes decision that are right for them.

But life in general is fluid and I do find it odd that some women very early on say in their 20's are so sure they will never have children. As life experiences and other things to change our views and outlooks on life and I've met a few women who would have said this in there 20's but then had children in their 40's because they wanted to.

winniestone37 · 30/03/2019 12:37

No , I don't care.

FinallytheneedforaNC · 30/03/2019 12:37

Nope, never wanted kids. Had one (just don’t ask) and it reinforced how spot on I was about not wanting them. I’m living for the day they move out!

PurpleDaisies · 30/03/2019 12:44

if people don’t feel like they’re able to do that

That’s not a great way of putting it. Most child free people don’t feel like they WANT to do it.

clairemcnam · 30/03/2019 12:45

Are you only allowed to say no to things you don't feel able to do?

alaric77 · 30/03/2019 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlexaAmbidextra · 30/03/2019 12:51

Isn’t it ironic that so many posts on this thread have reinforced the OP’s assertion? They just can’t help themselves can they? Hmm

BowStreetStunner · 30/03/2019 12:59

I know how you feel I am in my early forties and do not have children although this is just circumstances not by choice I would have liked children but I am not desperately unhappy because I do not have them and I do not pine for them but people assume I am and do and that I have not fulfilled my role as a woman they feel sorry for me and some ask "why did you not want children" assuming I did not some think you are selfish as you choose not to have them I am so sick of the judgement and sympathy because I do not have children as a woman you can still be complete without them.

SheisMammyof2 · 30/03/2019 13:06

I think it's a perfectly valid choice for a woman and have great respect for anyone who makes it as I think it is still not fully socially accepted. I have several friends who are child free either through choice or circumstance and they have very full, happy lives.

ChiaraRimini · 30/03/2019 13:15

Your friends are horrible.
Having kids is wonderful but also the biggest commitment of your life-you have to be prepared to make sacrifices and deal with incredibly tough situations. You 100% shouldn't do it unless you really want to.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 30/03/2019 13:18

I think it's a perfectly valid choice for a woman and have great respect for anyone who makes it as I think it is still not fully socially accepted. I have several friends who are child free either through choice or circumstance and they have very full, happy lives.

But are still viewed as trying to make up for not having children. Having to fill an empty life. That they've got 'second best' somehow because they dared not to have children.

IceRebel · 30/03/2019 13:24

Isn’t it ironic that so many posts on this thread have reinforced the OP’s assertion? They just can’t help themselves can they?

Nope, and so many posts saying I don't judge but XYZ, which shows they actually are judging. Sad

I just want to know why it's ok for people to have children with no thought or planning about money, housing, jobs etc, which is the case for many woman. Yet the opposite, which is to say you don't want to have a child is the one who seems to be judged more harshly of the two. Confused

GreatAuntBertha · 30/03/2019 13:28

But I have to ask - if you don't have kids and don't want them, why do you have a mumsnet profile?

I was ttc but my womb ended up not working. Sorry if I'm taking up precious MN space that a more fertile woman could be occupying.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 30/03/2019 13:29

*the "don't moan about being lonely" poster....

my mum had 2 DC. After dad died, she is desperately lonely. We can't compensate for him being gone. she has us, she has friends. But she is lonely because he is gone.

is it her fault for being married in the first place?

some people have very strange ideas.

Imagine if we said to someone with a new baby "have you thought what happens if you change your mind?"*

This. All of it ^

Adult children are just that. They are not your life's partner. They are not your friends (um, well, maybe). They are not your acquaintance or next door neighbour etc etc etc

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 30/03/2019 13:38

-you have to be prepared to make sacrifices and deal with incredibly tough situations

Do your realise that this is actually judgemental? There are a lot of posts on this thread that imply that childfree women made the decision because they weren't up to being a mother, and that comes with the implied notion that women who do have children are somewhat more superior.

What's wrong with women not having children because they just don't want them? Nothing to do with nit being willing to make sacrifices, have less money, travel less and all the other bullshit - but just don't want them.

ToftyAC · 30/03/2019 14:01

Actually, I think you’re lucky not to have had the overwhelming urge to have children. I love the bones of mine, but fucking hell theyre hard work! Oh to be able to do things without a rugrat constantly up your arse. People who have been judgmental just need to wind it in & mind their own business. Enjoy the freedom OP

Purpleartichoke · 30/03/2019 14:04

Frack no

Having children is an all-encompassing life choice. No one should do it unless they feel compelled to do so. I don’t regret having my daughter for a single second, but my life would be dramatically different without her for both good and bad.

wheresmymojo · 30/03/2019 14:11

No. The people you know are weird.

In our close circle of 10 female friends there are three who don't want children (and are now well into their 40s so won't be changing their mind) and two who did want children but may or may not get the chance (40s and single or in very early relationship stages).