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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you judge women who don’t want kids?

827 replies

Ellabella989 · 29/03/2019 10:33

I’m in my early 30s and have decided I never want kids. Literally every single female who I’ve confided in about this, from family members to friends to work colleagues, have been incredibly judgemental and told me i’ll be missing out and will eventually regret it and could potentially spend my later years very lonely if my partner dies before me.
AIBU to find these opinions very irritating? I don’t list all the reasons to them why I think their way of life is less appealing to mine so I don’t see why I have to sit back and basically be told I’m a freak for not wanting kids. Maybe I just know some very judgemental people :-(

OP posts:
buzzbobbly · 30/03/2019 10:32

I think much of the defensive attitude from childfree people comes from years and years of patronising hectoring the other way round.

Getting in first pre-empts it.

I imagine some of the ruder comments are the result of one straw too many on the camel's back.

HarrysOwl · 30/03/2019 10:34

She died saying how much she wanted a baby and it was very sad

Thing is, she could have had DC and gone on to regret it, or it not meet her expectations.

It's short sighted to think something happening that didn't happen would have made any difference to your happiness. Regret is absolutely pointless.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 30/03/2019 10:35

I don't judge, no, but I do find it a bit odd that you'd come on to Mumsnet to say so. I mean I wouldn't go onto rumpsteaklover.com and say AIBU for not wanting to eat meat ever.

You mean like parents who come on to a thread written by people who do not want children to say, 'you don't know what you're missing.' I might as well say that to a vegetarian about meat, because I eat meat and they don't.

I mean it could be a conversation or a discussion. Most discussions are about counterpoints to the argument.

Calling this site Mumsnet is an unashamed marketing ploy. As many people have pointed out, only one of the main discussion topics is about parenting.

People who don't have a garden can talk about gardening. People who don't do d.i.y. can talk about d.i.y. etc the list is endless.

It's just talk. No one is banned from talking or having an opinion just because they don't have or do what the subject matter is.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 30/03/2019 10:36

I think much of the defensive attitude from childfree people comes from years and years of patronising hectoring the other way round.

buzzbobbly · 30/03/2019 10:38

bark I guess that's the thing you don't know if you'll change your mind, no matter how adamant you are

Yet you only apply this concern to people who choose not to have children.

Why aren't you going round telling pregnant or ttc women they might change their minds?

SerenDippitty · 30/03/2019 10:38

It's short sighted to think something happening that didn't happen would have made any difference to your happiness. Regret is absolutely pointless.

This. You make decisions that feel right at the time,however they turn out you have no way of knowing whether they would have turned out better or worse had you decided diffferently.

Splodgetastic · 30/03/2019 10:40

No. I am childless not by choice, although I haven’t been committed to the cause enough to have treatment. It seems logistically impossible to have IVF and hold down a job, although a lot of people seem to manage on the Internet at least! I think it’s great to have the courage of your convictions either way, but there should be more acceptance. That said, I do admit to being a bit judgy myself - I think a lot of people do have children with no thought having been given to it and they can still be good parents, but they are often the first to judge women without children as being weird.

MondeoFan · 30/03/2019 10:44

I think it's a bit weird when people say to me they don't want them and I just think they'll change their minds etc
Other people's children are a pain but when they are your own it's wonderful that's how I think anyway

MumUnderTheMoon · 30/03/2019 10:45

That's awful. I got pregnant with dd despite using condoms and being on the pill. I would never have set out to become a parent as I'm a rather selfish person. I love her but being responsible for another human being is something I find really hard. If you don't want kids then stick to that. If people are being awful about it tell them you aren't judging their decision to have kids in spite of the fact that we are living in an already overpopulated world, there are some articles that talk about "being childless for the environment" if you google it. I'm not saying you have to buy into this but if people are going to have a go at you about being childless it may help you to feel like you have some positive reasons for remaining childless to tell these people.

IceRebel · 30/03/2019 10:47

I think it's a bit weird when people say to me they don't want them and I just think they'll change their minds etc

Weird, how lovely. Hmm

Why do you think they'll change their mind?

skye199 · 30/03/2019 10:47

No I don't judge them!! But I do think they are missing out on the best part of life. 😥

HarrysOwl · 30/03/2019 10:50

I do think they are missing out on the best part of life

That's a patronising opinion.

SerenDippitty · 30/03/2019 10:52

No I don't judge them!! But I do think they are missing out on the best part of life. 😥

“The best part of life” means different things to different people. Your view of what it is is not objective truth it’s just your view.

ScreamingValenta · 30/03/2019 10:56

No I don't judge them!! But I do think they are missing out on the best part of life.

In saying that, though, you're judging childfree women by your own experience.

One of the best parts of my life is the joy I get from my cats and dog, but I don't think people who are not animal lovers are 'missing out'. I recognise that for many people, a cat or a dog would be an unwanted burden, not a pleasure. For me, a child would be a burden I simply couldn't cope with.

PandarenDruid · 30/03/2019 10:57

No I don't judge them!! But I do think they are missing out on the best part of life.

To quote my post upthread:

Not everyone gets to perform life-saving surgery on someone else. Not everyone gets to explore space. Not everyone gets to experience the joy of being able to provide clean water and sanitation solutions to rural villages in third world nations. Not everyone gets to go to art galleries and see entire exhibitions of things they have created.

Don't you realise, everyone "misses out" on certain things in life. Someone choosing not to have kids doesn't make their life any less complete than you feel yours is.

What's best for you isn't necessarily what's best for everyone. Quit being so patronising.

RosaWaiting · 30/03/2019 10:57

the "don't moan about being lonely" poster....

my mum had 2 DC. After dad died, she is desperately lonely. We can't compensate for him being gone. she has us, she has friends. But she is lonely because he is gone.

is it her fault for being married in the first place?

some people have very strange ideas.

Imagine if we said to someone with a new baby "have you thought what happens if you change your mind?" Grin

PurpleGlitter1983 · 30/03/2019 11:01

No I don't judge them at all, now and again I think it's probably the most sane decision a woman can make these days!

Hazeintheclouds · 30/03/2019 11:02

Yours is a sane voice, Purple!

Hazeintheclouds · 30/03/2019 11:04

No I don't judge them!! But I do think they are missing out on the best part of life. 😥

Oh dear!

birdonawire1 · 30/03/2019 11:23

Tell your sister you've had your eggs frozen if it will shut her up. It's perfectly ok not to want children. I have them and sometimes (despite endless love for them) wish I could have made a different choice. Having more money, travelling, enjoying a better social life etc. A lot to be said for having children and a lot to be said for not.

sammylady37 · 30/03/2019 12:09

I’m childfree by choice, and nearly 40. I’m utterly sick of the intrusive questions, patronizing opinions and utter bollocks spouted by others about my decision.
I read the perfect response on another forum recently and have since used it with great effect: “oh I’d love kids one day but I love getting fucked in the ass and it’s not gonna happen that way so...” followed by a smile and a shrug. Shuts them right up!

Jessie94 · 30/03/2019 12:11

No I don't judge. My own sister in married in her 30's and doesn't want kids. She has a fantastic lifestyle and is really happy.

But I have to ask - if you don't have kids and don't want them, why do you have a mumsnet profile?

PurpleDaisies · 30/03/2019 12:13

But I have to ask - if you don't have kids and don't want them, why do you have a mumsnet profile?

Ffs. This crap again.

cicciolina · 30/03/2019 12:15

Absolutely not.

The world is overpopulated anyway.

Everyone is free to do whatever they wish when it comes to this, and women have value beyond their role as mothers!

Women are valuable at an individual level too.

ScreamingValenta · 30/03/2019 12:17

why do you have a mumsnet profile?

Because there are dozens of threads and topics that have nothing to do with parenting.

Swipe left for the next trending thread