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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you judge women who don’t want kids?

827 replies

Ellabella989 · 29/03/2019 10:33

I’m in my early 30s and have decided I never want kids. Literally every single female who I’ve confided in about this, from family members to friends to work colleagues, have been incredibly judgemental and told me i’ll be missing out and will eventually regret it and could potentially spend my later years very lonely if my partner dies before me.
AIBU to find these opinions very irritating? I don’t list all the reasons to them why I think their way of life is less appealing to mine so I don’t see why I have to sit back and basically be told I’m a freak for not wanting kids. Maybe I just know some very judgemental people :-(

OP posts:
floribunda18 · 30/03/2019 06:59

I have massive admiration for women who have the courage and self-knowledge to defy incredibly ingrained social expectations of their ambitions and wants. Without wanting to sound trite, it’s women who’ve had the courage to do that who’ve made history!

Yes I agree. But also, without wanting to sound trite, if all humans made the same choice we'd be history. Our future on this planet depends on a lot more women being able to choose not to have children though. As long as some do as well, we'll be ok.

SerenDippitty · 30/03/2019 07:02

After being an unofficial carer for both of my dgm's ( around 10 years apart ) I have told my dc that I would never ever expect them to look after me in my old age.

My mother said the same thing. But she felt differently when she actually got old. I remember when a childless neighbour of hers went i to a home she said “I suppose she has no one to look after her”.

MsTSwift · 30/03/2019 07:07

I would admire you but am seriously concerned about the environment and overpopulation.

As long as you not like a super annoying work colleague who newly married went on and on in a very loud voice in front of the partners at work that she would never had kids oh no not her on and on. Trying to curry favour and promotion above us tedious mat leave taking baby havers. Then she went and had a baby anyway Grin

Looobyloo · 30/03/2019 07:08

I don't have any, mid 40's not by choice it just didn't happen.

I was with two sisters a few weeks back who made me feel awful for not having any, "why don't you have children? That's just weird, you should have some" then looked at me as if I was from another plant. The thing is one of them is an awful mum, one kid in jail another who's always in trouble. It was bizzare and actually quite upsetting.

Dimsumlosesum · 30/03/2019 07:11

You have bad quality friends. No, I have three kids myself, absolutely wouldn't judge. Most of all my old friends have chosen not to have kids - no one judges them for it. You know some shit people.

SD1978 · 30/03/2019 07:13

Nope. I judge women who judge women. I could only have one and constantly get told how 'lucky' I am. Not as far as I'm concerned. If someone doesn't want kids, that's their choice, and I respect it. Juts like any other choice someone makes as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else.

Mumberjack · 30/03/2019 07:19

I don’t judge people who have chosen not to have children - it’s their choice after all and having kids is only one life path of many. Out of my friends, family and colleagues I’d say only half have children. Of course there may be cases where someone has wanted to have a family but it hasn’t worked out, but unless they choose to disclose that to me I’m not going to ask.

I do however feel sorry for one of my friends who is happily child free and unattached - all her (male) siblings have children so already she’s ‘fair game’ for doing things for her DM. At the moment it’s things like expecting her to always be the one to take her DM shopping etc but I know that this will extend into wider care as her DM gets older. The sexism and unfairness of it grates on me.

Mumberjack · 30/03/2019 07:21

I just realised I said ‘have family’ but I meant ‘have their own children’ - accidentally wrote one of my pet hates - family far more than just popping out kids!!

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 30/03/2019 07:21

I never know what people mean when they say they “judge” or not. How is it possible to receive data and form no conclusions/opinion on it? If you’re asking if I care who chooses to have children and who doesn’t, then not really. If you’re asking if I think you’re missing a large part of the best bits of life choosing childlessness then yes. I feel the same about people who don’t have longer term relationships and I expect there’s the same underlying feeling when people don’t fulfill their academic or career potential.

barkinatthemoon · 30/03/2019 07:23

I wouldn't judge them, but I can't help but feel a tiny ounce of (completely wrongly placed) sadness for them.
This is due to my personal circumstances though (2dc), and experiences I've seen play out through childless members of my family who DID regret not having children. Great aunt never wanted children then decided in her 60s she did and developed some weird fascination for those "reborn dolls". She died saying how much she wanted a baby and it was very sad. She was buried with her favourite "baby". Then I have 2 aunties, who haven't had children and who both regretted it later on. One opted to try and have a baby via sperm donor but was 45 at the time and left it too late, she was told adoption would be her only other option, but she didn't want to do this, so remains child free, and openly says she regrets it. Other auntie and her husband decided to start trying for a baby in their mid 40s (after saying for 25 years they didn't want any) and after years of disappointment, they decided to adopt 2 older children. These are my personal experiences so whenever someone tells me they don't want children, I do immediately relate to what happened in my family and feel a bit sad that they could end up going through what my aunties did. I know that's irrational as there's thousands of women who decide not to have children and are completely happy for their whole life. I guess that's the thing you don't know if you'll change your mind, no matter how adamant you are. I always said I didn't want children and I guess part of my change of thought was seeing how sad my great aunt was on her death bed. Plus meeting dh who really wanted children, made me completely change my mind before my 30s. If you're happy in your choice than no one has the right to judge you, I can see how life could be good with or without children, it's a huge lifestyle change to have kids and I can totally see why it doesn't appeal to some.

FookMeFookYou · 30/03/2019 07:29

Ppl's life choices are none of my business so I wouldn't judge. I also think women who want children but can't have them come under the same scrutiny and thoughtless comments, even when ppl know their situation isn't by choice. Having children isn't for everyone 🤷🏽‍♀️

HarrysOwl · 30/03/2019 07:29

all her (male) siblings have children so already she’s ‘fair game’ for doing things for her DM

Actually that's just hit a note with me. My DH has a brother who lives 15 minutes away from their DM. We are 1.5hrs away.

His brother has two teenage kids, we don't have any DC.

Anytime there's a problem (her car won't start, can't find her keys, needs a lift to the station) she will call us to help. She always says 'I know other son is closer but he's got the GIRLS of course they'll be too busy so I don't want to bother him'.

But like I say we're 1.5hr away, running a business, busy lives, but no - because we don't have DC that means we're expected to drop everything.

Aimadre · 30/03/2019 07:31

I would absolutely never judge but sometimes it does make me feel sad when the women who don’t want children seem to be exactly the intelligent and thoughtful sort of people who **

DaphneduWarrior · 30/03/2019 07:37

I don’t have a partner
Don’t have children
Don’t own my own home

I get judged A LOT Grin

anniehm · 30/03/2019 07:41

Whilst it none of their business, most of us have encountered women claiming they don't want kids ever in their early 30's who a few years later are struggling to conceive and having ivf. I personally can think of 2 who were very anti kid who changed their minds.

It's all in how you express things, if asked saying "I cannot see myself having kids as I'm not very maternal" isn't the same as dont want kids they are horrible.

Dohangoversgetworseasyougetold · 30/03/2019 07:45

barkinatthemoon - to be fair, I have two memories of my grandmother in the last days of her life, which I think will be with me until I die.

The first is of one tear rolling down her cheek when she found out that her beloved son had been only a few miles away visiting friends several times in the past year, and he hadn't bothered her. He only turned up again for her funeral.

The second is of her imagining what it would be like to be able to walk out of her front door again, just one more time, and how she would wave to her neighbours and they'd be amazed to see her walking about after all those months. She was laughing and taking pleasure in the fantasy but my mother (her daughter) just snapped "don't be ridiculous, mum". My grandmother's mouth trembled and she looked so old, but she didn't say anything.

I'm sure my grandmother wasn't blameless in her relationship with her kids, but when I think of her, I'm reminded that children aren't always a blessing in your old age. She had one selfish son who never visited and one martyr of a daughter who generally treated her as though she were stupid and a burden.

countchuckula · 30/03/2019 07:55

OP when people come out with the "meet the right man" crap, I am also baffled because - how would he be the right man if he wanted children?!

I know what you mean, but I suspect what your interrogator means by the "right man" is one who has the power and chemistry to make you change your feeble-little-feminine mind because you can't possibly know your own mind. You are of course waiting to be moulded by this imaginary man.

goodfornothinggnome · 30/03/2019 08:00

Maybe, until I had a child myself. It's a massive undertaking.
Given the choice again I don't know if I would do it myself!

thedisorganisedmum · 30/03/2019 08:00

OP when people come out with the "meet the right man" crap, I am also baffled because - how would he be the right man if he wanted children?!

i think it's more about meeting someone you want a serious relationship with and can then imagine having kids with them because he's the one who is good enough.
I don't think people mean that a man will make you change your mind!

Childlessandhappy · 30/03/2019 08:02

In my family only 1 out of 5 of us has a child and we are all now past child-bearing age. 4 childless for a range of different reasons including wanting children but being unable to carry a pregnancy to term.

DH and I never wanted children and I have never regretted my decision. Seeing my sibling with a child only reinforced my view that I made the right decision for me.

Over the years I've heard the "You'll be lonely in your old age" phrase countless times. Others, often complete strangers, think they have the right to ask why you don't want children yet I wonder how they would react if I questioned why they felt the need to have children. I realise I'm in a minority and couldn't care less what others think about my being childless.

countchuckula · 30/03/2019 08:05

Great aunt never wanted children then decided in her 60s she did and developed some weird fascination for those "reborn dolls". She died saying how much she wanted a baby and it was very sad

I reckon a lot of these types of stories are more about fear of mortality than anything else.

frenchonion · 30/03/2019 08:12

Some of my best friends are childless by choice. I'd never given it any thought really let alone judgement! I do envy their lifestyles though!

Disturbedone · 30/03/2019 08:14

It is absolutely your choice to not have children. There are definitely perks to it!
However, it means you don't have a right to moan about loneliness in your later years.

Kannet · 30/03/2019 08:17

I think it's fine to not have want kids. However I know two women who have decided they don't want children and honestly they never shut up about it. It can be show horned into any conversation.

IceRebel · 30/03/2019 08:17

However, it means you don't have a right to moan about loneliness in your later years.

Ok, if child free people can't moan about loneliness, then those with children can't moan about

  • Children moving away
  • Children not visiting as they have their own lives
  • Children not providing them with grandchildren
  • Children not getting married
  • Children not caring for them in their old age
  • Children marrying people they disapprove of
And so on.