Do you judge women who don’t want kids?

[Ellabella989]

I’m in my early 30s and have decided I never want kids. Literally every single female who I’ve confided in about this, from family members to friends to work colleagues, have been incredibly judgemental and told me i’ll be missing out and will eventually regret it and could potentially spend my later years very lonely if my partner dies before me.
AIBU to find these opinions very irritating? I don’t list all the reasons to them why I think their way of life is less appealing to mine so I don’t see why I have to sit back and basically be told I’m a freak for not wanting kids. Maybe I just know some very judgemental people :-(

Gosh no. I was one of them for a very long time. Nor would I try and convince someone to have a child because each person’s experience is different.

I don't judge but I do have a friend who's partner doesn't want kids, though she does. She won't split up with him though and I feel she'll turn bitter.

Primates are primed to have sex. I highly doubt chimps have sex specifically because they have chosen to have a baby. But yes they have a libido that makes them want to have sex.

I do wonder if you need to validate your own choices by the fact that somehow childfree life is less of a life than having children.

I certainly do feel that some women with children need to feel sorry for women without to make themselves feel better about their own choices.

I can honestly say my life would be miserable with children, hence choosing the life I have.

Snap.

I think one thing some parents don’t get is that it’s not just that I’m put off by the idea of messy nappies, sleepless nights, extra commitment, etc.

I’m not interested in the good bits either. I don’t want the snuggly cuddles or the family days out or the chance of grandchildren. Even if it was all good bits it still wouldn’t be right for me.

No I wouldn't judge at all

Its interesting though - I have a friend with a good job who wanted children but people tend to assume she didnt and concentrated on work instead, it just didn't work out for her and now its too late. There are lots of women 45+ that this applies to.

I have another acquaintance whose DP is borderline abusive, who says she never wanted children, I think its quite possibly her H who is the driver here and she thinks she's lucky to have him. She's actually possibly the only woman who has ever told me explicitly she didn't want children. Probably that is the case and I'm judging, just not absolutely convinced.

But I'm sure they exist and fair enough, np your life is your life. I am by those who think they have nothing in common with women who aren't mothers... I bet I'd have nothing in common with women who think like that.

I definitely don't judge you. I'm deeply happy to be a mother but, on the other hand, I have no interest in finding a romantic/ sexual partner. Even people who've known me for over twenty years find that hard to accept - they're always telling me that I'll find the right man, or not to worry because the right guy won't mind that I'm a single mother, or trying to convince me that I'm missing out because they like being married. I've not had particularly bad experiences with guys, I'm just missing the bit that makes you want all that. So I understand a little bit what it's like when people won't accept that you just want/need different things to them (also I appreciate that the pressures on childfree people are worse).

I would not judge someone at all for not having children. On the contrary, children are hard work, do change your life completely, so I would say, unless you are 100% sure you desperately want kids, don't have them!

As with most things in life, there are positives and negatives on both sides, but my advice would always be : if you don't feel that overwhelming (illogical?) urge to have kids, don't!

I think people should be allowed to make whatever decisions they want about their own lives as long as it doesn’t harm anyone else. Some people have a very specific blueprint for how they think life should be and really struggle when others don’t plan their lives in the same way.

No I don't judge. If anything I admire people who choose not to.
I do however judge parents who don't appear to love and put their children first.
Fair enough if it's only one child but when they keep having child after child and repeating the pattern I do judge.

I've never admitted this before because it makes me sound like the bitch I really was at that time. Between the second and third IVF attempt (they were all failures) I did find myself judging women who decided to remain childfree. I was so desperate for a baby that i just could not understand why someone who (presumably) could conceive successfully would choose not to do so.

However, many years and lots of therapy later, it is my childfree friends who have helped me to rebuild my life and to see the advantages of having no children. Luckily for me they never knew that I had a period of being a judgemental cunt.

I do find it a bit patronising when parents say that they understand because not everyone could do it because that smacks of superiority.

I felt like this too and at times I wish I had stuck to my guns 🙄🙄🙄😂

Not at all because I am one. I've never had anyone say anything negative about my choice and likewise I've never said anything negative about my friend's choices to have children.

me
I'm childfree by choice at 37. I've had all the same judgy comments.

"You'll change your mind"
"You'll never know love like it"

And my favourite:
"Your mum would love to be a grandmother"

I have never wanted children. I knew this when I was 20. I asked for a hysterectomy, but apparently I don't know my own mind, nor have control over my own body

iasked for one aswell minou maybe nearer 30-i was too young apprently and could change my mind

I would never judge a woman for this!

For those who decide it's not for them, bloody good on you I say.

I don’t judge anyone for whatever they do I don’t really care that much I’m much too self centred to think about what other people are doing with their lives..

However I get the opposite to you.. I have people saying ‘oh I never wanted kids, why would I? They rank, snotty, take your sleep etc etc’ similar to a couple of pps here tbh. And I’m just like well that’s rude seeing as I never complain about motherhood and I love it all. Same as they love their lives and I’m fantastically happy for them but why can’t they be for me? Odd why anyone cares so much

I’d be interested in your choice but that’s because someone pushing back against ‘norms’ is interesting to me. However, I’d never judge. It would be better for the planet if more people were childfree. I also think the types of people who judge or negatively comment are unhappy with their own choices/struggling etc so they need to make you feel weird for not doing the whole two kids spread 2-3 years apart thing like they did because it was ‘normal’.

A lot of these people are projecting their own issues on to you. Fuck them.

I have massive admiration for women who have the courage and self-knowledge to defy incredibly ingrained social expectations of their ambitions and wants. Without wanting to sound trite, it’s women who’ve had the courage to do that who’ve made history!

I know several women who have chosen not to have children. In two of these cases, long standing health issues and complications regarding medication in pregnancy were a big factor. One was relieved to know she was infertile as she had never wanted kids. And one, who had long term MH issues of her own, also had a DH with HFA who would have struggled to cope. Family life isn't for everyone.

My guess is that as the stigma associated with deliberate conscious childlessness reduces so increasing numbers of people will see this as good option for them

This is the report that I meant.

www.theguardian.com/science/2019/mar/28/over-1-million-childless-people-over-65-are-dangerously-unsupported

Not sure if the link will work.

Mind you there's no guarantee that even if you have children that they'd help in this way. There are enough posts on MN to show that!

No I don't judge, nor do I judge a man if they are part of a couple who have decided not to have a family. Three of my work colleagues are childless by choice.

That report also points out that people without children are 30% more likely to be carers of their elderly parents.

After being an unofficial carer for both of my dgm's ( around 10 years apart ) I have told my dc that I would never ever expect them to look after me in my old age.

Dd (8) reassured me, around a year ago that she didn't intend to anyway and would be putting me in a home. Charming

Op this is such a personal choice, it's your choice and that's that. Why are people so bloody judgemental?