Do you judge women who don’t want kids?

[Ellabella989]

I’m in my early 30s and have decided I never want kids. Literally every single female who I’ve confided in about this, from family members to friends to work colleagues, have been incredibly judgemental and told me i’ll be missing out and will eventually regret it and could potentially spend my later years very lonely if my partner dies before me.
AIBU to find these opinions very irritating? I don’t list all the reasons to them why I think their way of life is less appealing to mine so I don’t see why I have to sit back and basically be told I’m a freak for not wanting kids. Maybe I just know some very judgemental people :-(

I was a carer to a woman who had 6 kids. The whole 5 months I cared for her, not one visited.
Anyone who is a paid carer can tell you that having kids is no guarantee at all. And if you have kids with severe SN the issue may be you being elderly and trying to sort out care for them.
Life does not come with guarantees, we all make the best choices we think we can at the time.

On the subject of selfishness, how would you rate this woman?

Presumably, she's not selfish as she has procreated (according to some people's measures). On the other hand, she has written a book about how she regrets having her kids (which they will see one day).

FRENCH author Corinne Maier has written a book explaining why she regrets having her children

www.thesun.co.uk/living/2377007/meet-the-woman-who-regrets-having-children-and-thinks-other-women-should-think-twice-if-they-know-what-is-good-for-themselves-and-the-world/

Lack of grandchildren: well, that's another bonus. I never wanted children so why on earth would I be interested in grandchildren

Exactly

I know some grandparents who adore their grandchildren, but still don't want to spend too much time with them because they are exhausting to the older person who may also have health problems. The average age of motherhood is higher than it used to be, so grandparents (if they live to be grandparents) will be a fair age. Maybe old enough to not want to chase around after boisterous toddlers, however much they may love them.

No, I don't judge- I can't think of a single reason why I would care whether someone else reproduces or not tbh.

People are not technically wrong to say you may change your mind though or may regret it though OP, opinions and desires do change often in life especially over longer timeframes. It's not to say they will, just that it's TRUE that they can. To suggest that isn't rude IMO, just true. If you do have a change of heart you do, if you don't you don't. Just a normal part of life.

You are correct to deduce that avoiding possible regret you don't currently feel is not a reason to have a child, so are not having one. Job done unless you change your mind on that as far as I'd be concerned. I'd not comment and I don't think it needs overthinking either. Not everyone chooses to have a child. Live and let live, perhaps if you yourself regularly mention about how you aren't having one, your friends feel you're suggesting they made a bad choice and are just being a bit defensive. You know how people can be. Try to live and let live and move the conversation on instead of indulging the comments if you do get them.

'People are not technically wrong to say you may change your mind though or may regret it though OP'

No one EVER says that to people who do plan on having children though. And no one wants to be told that they might change their mind about anything. Of course it's a possibility, but no need to point it out apart from undermining what the other person had said

I certainly don't judge. I'm childless originally not through choice. It still occasionally smarts that I wasn't able to have what I wanted as easily as other women who just went to bed with their partner, had a nice time and just let nature take its course. But as far as actually being a mother is concerned I feel more and more like I dodged a bullet - sort of 55 percent childfree and 45 percent childless ifyswim. One reason being I am about to take voluntary early retirement at 58, I would almost certainly not be in a position to do so had I had the expense of children and the effect of career breaks on my pension.

I couldn't give a silent fart what others choose to do.
Why on earth would anyone?

'...i feel more and more like I dodged a bullet - sort of 55 percent childfree and 45 percent childless ifyswim'

Oh I do see what you mean! So much! Not all of us fall neatly into 'couldn't have' or 'didn't want'

@Ronsters "To be honest, the "lots of varied interests/wonderful career" trope is more annoying than the "selfish" ones."

I feel this might be aimed at me as it's almost word for word my post and I wanted to say sorry if I offended as obviously it can't always be the case. But in my experience (and it is purely my own experience) choosing not to have children has allowed many women I know to have experiences and opportunities that they just wouldn't have had if they had had children. And more power to them! Society demands a lot of sacrifice from mothers, careerwise and otherwlse. I sometimes think we are utterly mad to want kids at all!! Damn biological urges.

No i wouldnt its up to the individual. Ive got a 5 month old and nobody can understand that I only wanr the one xx

SO no, I would never judge anyone for not wanting kids. Our planet is going down the shitter with our plastic use, traffic jams, pollution fast fashion and obsessive cleanlines. Our kids and grandkids will probably be scrabbling in bins and fighting over grain like in "Interstellar"

If I had had children, I think my anxieties about the future for my children would overwhelm me! One of my aims in life is to outlive my dog - it's the only way I can guarantee his happiness and safety as much as it is in my power to do so.

What @lailabyron said.

Absolutely not. I do judge the ones that have them and then not care for them. I prefer for people to be responsible and only have children if they can support them and look after them.

I don't think anyone should judge anyone, but sadly they do. Before I had children (late 30s) I had various people say to me that I should have them, shouldn't hang around etc. Once I had them I had people speak scathingly of "breeders" and only ask my opinion "as a mother" (or else I'd get comments about being an older mother). I take things to heart so I felt constantly like I'd made the wrong decision either way but now I feel more confident that both decisions were right for me, and I'm less affected by the kind of comments I get. We know from all the Fail headlines that women are always judged, particularly on the topic of childbearing, so just feel confident in your decision (which you clearly are) and tune out the rest.

Nope. I’ve never understood how remaining chiless is regarded as selfish. Surely it’s much less selfish to not bother than it is to have a child you don’t really want.

I was very ambivalent about having kids. In the end I just let fate decide. The only thing I would say is that nothing prepared me for the sheer joy my son brought me. It’s the most incredible love that I had no concept of before I had him. This outweighs all of the hard bits ten times over. No one ever talks about that as much as the late nights, expense, mundane stuff. If I’d known that before I would have certainly been less ambivalent. However, that said I’d never have known!

Well, this woman certainly judges!

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/8723805/wedding-mother-law-refund-kids-brides/?utm_campaign=sunmaintwitter&utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Twitter#Echobox=1553615119

Mother-in-law demands refund for wedding after bride announces she won’t be having kids

I'd judge you as being very sensible, for knowing exactly what you want and don't want, and not kowtowing to social pressure to have children just 'because it's what people do'.

OP time to tell these people you are not interested in their opinions - this subject is closed.

AIBUtopickanyoldname
Wouldn’t judge at all. But I would secretly feel a bit sad for them.

I'm childless as opposed to childfree and find that a bit insulting and of course you're judging, that your life is better than their's because you have a child. Occasionally there are threads on here asking 'if you knew then what you know now would you still want children?' It's surprising how many say no or less.

What I have found is, women who didn't want children... suddenly realise they won't have grandchildren

Presumably they had a reversed frontal lobotomy to have this lightbulb moment? WTF of course they are fully aware of that fact.

If I judge anyone it's a woman who has multiple children with a man who she knows is useless, unreliable and abusive because any man is better than no man (nothing could be further from the truth). I've read so many threads on here like this. The woman clings on to the creep like a life raft until he prises her fingers off and pushes her and the children adrift and he moves on to the next one. Before someone tells me I should blame the man, believe me, I do.

@SilverySurfer I expanded on my comment significantly in further posts. It's not a judgement.

I couldn’t care less what other people choose to do with their reproductive abilities- none of my business.

Otoh I feel judged when I tell people I’m having my 4th baby - don’t we have a tv, should have stopped at 2, dredge on society etc. And it’s always other women.

No one EVER says that to people who do plan on having children though

That's a really good point. Imagine the conversation:

Friend 1: "We'll probably start a family in the next couple of years"
Friend 2: " You'll probably change your mind, you know. It's not too late!"

Not at all

No I don’t judge. I idly wonder what I could have done or achieved had I not had children. Then I think about whether I would prefer that life or if I’d feel I missed out had I not had children. I think children were the right path for me, but it doesn’t take much imagination to see why someone might not want children.

*No one EVER says that to people who do plan on having children though

That's a really good point. Imagine the conversation:

Friend 1: "We'll probably start a family in the next couple of years"
Friend 2: " You'll probably change your mind, you know. It's not too late!"*

Tbh it makes me wonder what type of friends you have, that think it's any of their business to comment on.

Regardless of my view, I can't for the life of me think what would give me the right to comment on a woman's choice to have a child or not.

If anything (when I read some threads on MN) I do wonder/maje a judgement on why on some women choose to have kids with useless men... they don't stop at one, they continue to procreate with either cheaters, abusers, permanently unemployed and lazy men.

I feel sorry for the children being brought into the world in such situations...because life's challenging enough without having a useless father and a mother who makes poor choices by staying with him.