Do you judge women who don’t want kids?

[Ellabella989]

I’m in my early 30s and have decided I never want kids. Literally every single female who I’ve confided in about this, from family members to friends to work colleagues, have been incredibly judgemental and told me i’ll be missing out and will eventually regret it and could potentially spend my later years very lonely if my partner dies before me.
AIBU to find these opinions very irritating? I don’t list all the reasons to them why I think their way of life is less appealing to mine so I don’t see why I have to sit back and basically be told I’m a freak for not wanting kids. Maybe I just know some very judgemental people :-(

Not at all, but then I am a woman who chose not to have children. I haven't had that many comments about it really - not that I care what other people think in the first place.

Several of my friends have no children either. I also know several people whose children have left home and set up their own homes and families and no longer see their parents over Christmas. These parents are more upset at having to spend Christmas without their children than I am spending Christmas with just me and my partner. I can't miss what I never had

Having children is no guarantee whatsoever you'll have grandchildren (though it's a step in the right direction ). Even if you do have grandchildren, they may not end up living anywhere near you or your child may marry someone who doesn't want to get too involved with you as grandparents. People emigrate every day. It's one thing having kids for their own sake, but too many people load their existence with all sorts of expectations which is unfair on them IMO.

What I have found is, women who didnt want children... suddenly realise they won't have grand children

Err...no! I had a pretty good idea I wouldn't end up with grandchildren as I had missed out a very important step

Oh and I’ve also had comments from people querying what i’ll do at Xmas time if both my parents and partner die before me.
Having a child so I don’t feel lonely during future Christmases is absurd!

@HaroldsSocalledBluetits (sorry, don't know if I tagged you correctly!)

Well indeed - what was I thinking of - guess I'll just have to live with my selfishness at this stage smile

Although I do have a suspicion that people who choose to not have children may have a slightly selfish or self-centred and controlling streak about their personality and character

Tell that to me and my siblings and anyone else who grew up with narc parents

All this "no, I wouldn't judge but i'd feel ever so sorry" nonsense is really irritating me. Would it be OK for me to say that I feel sorry for people who have nothing in their lives but shitty nappies and sleepless nights and teething and mounds of washing and sticky fingers and plastic toys and no free time. Would that be acceptable? No. So why is it OK to so kindly and patronisingly "feel sorry" for child-free women?

ggoodness, no. I might be interested why as I am nosy. (non of my business)

better than having kids you don't particularly want just to follow social expectations. they change your life dramatically, if you are not sure then deciding no is a bloody good idea.

not being lonely at christmas is the silliest reason.

Nope. HTH. Haven’t RFTF btw.

I think women who stand by their own decision to not have kids are brave, especially when society rams having children as some sort of necessity for women!

I have kids, I love them, but I absolutely get why others don't, it's not that difficult!

I had a biological yearning for kids so I had them. Now that I'm done, that biological yearning is gone. Exactly the same concept only for women who never had the yearning in the first place... it's not difficult!

Have faith in yourself OP, this life has a million more things to offer you and you can grab it with both hands. Ignore bullshit from others xx

Yes, I judge them to be intelligent, rational women who have made an active choice that suits them.
I’m a primary teacher, and a mother of two. The people I judge harshly are those who have children and then neglect, abuse and resent them. That’s beyond unacceptable to me.

I posted on a similar thread about this recently. I have two DC, love them to death and don’t regret having them at all. But that’s not to say there is plenty about a child free life I miss and can therefore completely see why choosing not to have kids makes sense for some women.

A good friend has had a long and ultimately unsuccessful battle to have children. It has tken a huge toll on her mental health and I feel desperately sad for her. At the same time, there are aspects of her life that I am envious of, particularly the extensive travelling she does with her DH where they go on last minute trips and holidays as and when. They also have an incredibly close and loving marriage and have plenty of time to spend with each other without the distraction and drain of children. Obviously I wouldn’t dream of telling her this because it would be both patronising and incredibly insensitive to suggest there are good things about her inability to have children. But it’s a fact that there are enjoyable things which are much harder or impossible with kids.

What I’m trying to say, very inarticulately, is that while IMO having kids is a wonderful experience there are also a lot of wonderful things about not having them. Either is a perfectly valid life choice and there are experiences both ‘camps’ might miss out on.

'Tell that to me and my siblings and anyone else who grew up with narc parents grin'

Oh, very well said. Selfish, self centred and controlling describes my parents very well, although self obsessed is probably a bit more like it these days.

Some of you parents are really getting high off your own martyrdom on this thread

I have told mine to put me in a home and not be saddled with looking after me.

That should say ‘not to say there isn’t plenty ...’

No. The choice is entirely upto the person. They have their own reasons which is nothing at all to do with me.
Giving a reason that there will be no one there for you when you get old, or missing out on grandkids is a ridiculous reason. What happens if your child emigrates? Falls out and goes NC with you? Anything can happen in life.

Women who are happy they had children - great!
Women who are happily childfree - great!

Women who regret their children? Well, that's the last taboo isn't it?

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/feb/11/breaking-taboo-parents-who-regret-having-children

@Ronsters,

I so agree! I'm also 50 - I have a nice enough (admin) job and my 'hobbies' are the bog standard exercising, reading, cinema and eating out - hardly earth shattering stuff but me and DH enjoy our lives. Neither of us run marathons, do charity work or volunteering, take evening classes or look after elderly relatives.

Most nights we go home after work, potter about the house / watch TV / eat & go to bed. We go away for weekends quite a lot and go on holiday 2/3 times a year so that's where our money goes and we're pretty happy with our lot.

The people I judge harshly are those who have children and then neglect, abuse and resent them. That’s beyond unacceptable to me

Exactly! Instead of harassing childfree women about their non-existent children, "concerned" people could direct their energies towards children's charities and fundraise for them or something.

My oldest friend doesn't have kids. She does miss out on somethings. Just as I miss out on things that she enjoys having a child free life. It's just about personal choice. You need better friends who have a less narrow view of the world.

@CalmDownPacino - you're right, it wouldn't be acceptable and does give me pause for thought. Equally though, I would also subconsciously "feel sorry" for someone who doesn't have a career/job they enjoy, so I don't think it's unique to the children/no children question. I guess a lot of it is projecting my own experiences onto others, which is admittedly difficult not to do.

My friend is child free by choice, 35 and married for 5 years. She still gets people saying that she'll change her mind. And her husband has been refused a vasectomy to date. I know she wonders how old she has to get before people stop asking. But I don't know if that's judgement so much as assumption based on traditional norms.

Giving a reason that there will be no one there for you when you get old, or missing out on grandkids is a ridiculous reason. What happens if your child emigrates? Falls out and goes NC with you? Anything can happen in life

I used to work with the elderly. One woman had 5 children and was still living in a nursing home pretty much without visitors. Two of her children lived abroad (long-haul), one had died of cancer, another in an RTA and the last one was at the other end of the country with their own family and job, so couldn't come up often.

What I have found is, women who didnt want children, and lived a very nice , indulgent life syle with magnolia homes and lots of expensive holidays - suddenly realise they won't have grand children. They suddenly become distanced from peers in retirement - they have absolutely nothing in common any more.

Nice, indulgent lifestyle: check

Expensive holidays: check

Magnolia home: er, no way. It's dark and vaguely satanic

Lack of grandchildren: well, that's another bonus. I never wanted children so why on earth would I be interested in grandchildren

'Most nights we go home after work, potter about the house / watch TV / eat & go to bed. '

Same here and I LOVE IT!

No chance the world would be a very dull place if we were all the same.

I was a fence sitter about this until my 30s, it was really only the birth of my niece that pushed me to one side. I haven't regretted my decision for a second it was absolutely the right one for me but I can totally see why people would choose the other option.

I do secretly judge people whose viewpoint is so narrow that they cannot imagine that a life different from the one they have chosen can be fulfilling too.