Do you judge women who don’t want kids?

[Ellabella989]

I’m in my early 30s and have decided I never want kids. Literally every single female who I’ve confided in about this, from family members to friends to work colleagues, have been incredibly judgemental and told me i’ll be missing out and will eventually regret it and could potentially spend my later years very lonely if my partner dies before me.
AIBU to find these opinions very irritating? I don’t list all the reasons to them why I think their way of life is less appealing to mine so I don’t see why I have to sit back and basically be told I’m a freak for not wanting kids. Maybe I just know some very judgemental people :-(

But choosing not to have kids makes me think you're selfish

au contraire!

What oculd be more selfish than deciding to produce another human being, purely for your own enjoyment?!

No. I have friends with fabulous lives and no kids!

Lots of parents are envious of women who are child free. Fact.

I'd say that's a fleeting thought and I'm not sure what your definition of lots is.

Envy is feeling resentful and having a desire for what someone else has. It's a wish to be like them in relation to the issue.

Are you saying that these "lots of parents" wish they didn't have children?

In the moment when a childfree person can get up and go... yeah perhaps a parent may express something along those lines.

I think envy is far too strong a word, because if they really, genuinely wanted to be childfree...they could put their DC up for adoption.

I do know some people who say it to childless women/couples to make them feel better though.

I've found this so much OP. "You'll change your mind", "I didn't want kids either", "you'll change your mind when you meet the right man" one even wished an unwanted pregnancy on me then was shocked when I said I would have an abortion then.

'I completely agree with you about the fetishisation of motherhood'

Me too. Fetishisation is exactly the right word

Kids are overrated, imo .

No, I wouldn't judge you at all; I would consider it to be entirely your choice, and a far wiser one than many women make!

And if you should change your mind, that's also perfectly fine by me!

No, I don't. Everybody's own and personal choice. Don't want an explanation, don't want them to be defensive. Everybody should choose their own path in life.

how is it selfish to not have kids can someone explain

Feel free to be judgey right back at these judgers. It’s no ones business but yours.

About five years ago I was having this conversation with a close friend (neither of us had children at the time), as I was wondering if/when the urge would ever kick in for me. I asked my friend how she knew she wanted kids, and she said she's not maternal at all but wants to see what a mini version of her and her husband would look like. She actually used the word experiment. Now she has a baby and is a good mum, but she struggles massively with the day to day reality of it and has decided she doesn't want any more.

No I don't. Respect them actually for knowing their own mind and not just following the herd.

What I have found is, women who didnt want children, and lived a very nice , indulgent life syle with magnolia homes and lots of expensive holidays - suddenly realise they won't have grand children. They suddenly become distanced from peers in retirement - they have absolutely nothing in common any more.

Utter bollocks. I still have the same friends now that some of them are grandmothers as I did when they were mothers. Motherhood and grandmotherhood is just part of them and not the reason why I am friends with them. I also know plenty of people who are grandparents who don't live their lives around their grandchildren but are busy running organisations and having a brilliant footloose time in their retirement.

Nope. I totally respect that decision. A lot more than I respect people who are ill prepared for having kids having them

Although I do have a suspicion that people who choose to not have children may have a slightly selfish or self-centred and controlling streak about their personality and character. In my experience they tend to be not the most go-with-the-flow, take it all in their stride type people and are easily thrown off balance by situations where they don't have complete control over the outcome. It's easy to see why the idea of children might horrify them.

Your post started off so well as well.
As I said further back, most of my close friends are child free and their personalities vary massively. None of us fit a particular stereotype apart from being possibly a bit less conventional as people if I had to view us as a group.

@CalmDownPacino thanks. It's taken me years to realise what a massive con it all is. Not the bare fact of having kids - that would be great if we lived in an equal society - but what having kids does to women because of how things are set up.

@Skypatrol cheers.

Like some other posters I am also laughing at women becoming unhappy when they’re older and ‘suddenly realise’ they won’t have grandchildren. Not only is it not a ‘sudden’ realisation but if someone doesn’t want children, why would they want grandchildren!

I asked my friend how she knew she wanted kids, and she said she's not maternal at all but wants to see what a mini version of her and her husband would look like.

Tbh I'm a bit baffled by women who say they weren't at all maternal UNTIL they had their own children.

I'm in my late 30s and don't want kids. The worst judgement I ever had came from a male friend whose partner had just had their first child together. He basically said that if a woman didn't want kids then she wasn't "a proper woman." Luckily everyone else at the table (male and female) gave him a massive lecture.

My feeling has always been I'd rather potentially regret not having kids (although no sign of that so far) than regret having kids. Because I think that's an awful thing to happen to both the parent and the kid/s.

We all judge. I judge and think good for them. It seems appealing to me, not sure why there is so much confusion

do we? I honestly do not give a fig if someone has children or not. Or a pet. unless my tax are paying for it it makes absolutely 0 impact on my life.

and looking at this comment Lots of parents are envious of women who are child free. Fact.
insecurity goes both ways

I wouldn't judge them, it's a very personal decision and frankly no one else's business.

However I have to admit I would secretly feel a bit sad for them (and maybe this could come across in conversations even if I really tried not to show it).

Having or not having kids is not selfish.

Some selfish people have kids and some selfish people don't have them.

Generalisations like that are ridiculous. We all have choices in life.

I get pissed off for being judged because I have children though.

Stupid comments by individuals at work in the past ...just make me think they're bitter to make such comments.

People just need to accept your choice to procreate or not.

I'm a bit baffled by women who say they weren't at all maternal UNTIL they had their own children.

why? I have no interest in other people's children. I don't need to cuddle random babies, I don't find other people's kids cute or interesting just because they are kids.
I did want mine and I love them. I am only maternal with them!

I am getting used to their best friends hanging round, they're all right

And don't forget my favourite, The 'you don't know real love until you've had children'.

Women without children are selfish because we're not validating the life choices of the woman who has had children.

Fuck all to do with any real reason.

I’ve also had “you might change your mind when you meet the right person” from a few different people. My partner is the love of my life and I’m 100% happy with him in every way. I still don’t want kids though and neither does he