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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you judge women who don’t want kids?

827 replies

Ellabella989 · 29/03/2019 10:33

I’m in my early 30s and have decided I never want kids. Literally every single female who I’ve confided in about this, from family members to friends to work colleagues, have been incredibly judgemental and told me i’ll be missing out and will eventually regret it and could potentially spend my later years very lonely if my partner dies before me.
AIBU to find these opinions very irritating? I don’t list all the reasons to them why I think their way of life is less appealing to mine so I don’t see why I have to sit back and basically be told I’m a freak for not wanting kids. Maybe I just know some very judgemental people :-(

OP posts:
Hazeintheclouds · 29/03/2019 13:20

Lots of parents are envious of women who are child free. Fact.

MaxNormal · 29/03/2019 13:20

But choosing not to have kids makes me think you're selfish

Our poor ruined environment might suggest otherwise.

itsabongthing · 29/03/2019 13:21

Nope I don’t, (and also totally agree that the ‘selfish’ thing is bollocks)

But I do find my new ish colleague hard to figure out when she says stuff like “I Hate children” “sorry” then looks pointedly at me because she knows I have them.
Then later says actually her partner and I tried for kids but she couldn’t have them.

Then later said that just last year they were considering fostering.
Hmm

Hiddenaspie1973 · 29/03/2019 13:21

No. I was like that until 33 and i got sick of all the comments.
Now, i am jealous of childfree by choice women.

HaroldsSocalledBluetits · 29/03/2019 13:21

@wishimaywishimight I think you're just being 'selfish' in the sense of 'daring to make a decision based on your own self interest and wellbeing' which is, as any fule no, pretty much the worst thing that a woman can do.

Hazeintheclouds · 29/03/2019 13:23

As for realising, suddenly or otherwise, they “won’t have grandchildren” - 🤣

b0bb1n · 29/03/2019 13:23

I don't judge them because I used to be one of them! Everyone is a unique person who can make their own decision about wanting children or not. In my case I think I didn't want kids because I kind of 'knew' from the age of about 17 that I wouldn't be able to have kids. When I received a diagnosis years later, I was 100% certain that, without miraculous intervention, I would never be able to have kids. And I think to mask the pain, I decided I didn't want babies anyway. It was only when I met my now DH and fell absolutely head over heels in love with him that I got broody for the first time in my life. But if I hadn't got broody and still didn't want kids, it would have be no one's business to judge me for it. Why should a woman be made to feel like she's weird or lesser just for not wanting to have a child? That's ridiculous.

dragoning · 29/03/2019 13:25

Women get judged whatever they do. Parenting opens up a whole new world of opportunities for judgement in my experience. If you decide not to enter that world, people will judge you for that too. Basically, some people will take any opportunity to judge those who don't do the same as they did!

DerelictWreck · 29/03/2019 13:26

But choosing not to have kids makes me think you're selfish 💁‍♀️

Wait. What?!

How on earth does that make sense @RollerJed Confused

RosaWaiting · 29/03/2019 13:27

PlainSpeaking

I honestly don't see what was rude about that reply. Was it the swear words? We do swear on MN. and your comment - which others have replied to - is some of the "maddest shite" I hear from others about my choice.

Sakura7 · 29/03/2019 13:27

I'd love it if the poster calling us selfish would come back and explain her reasoning for thinking that, rather than going "It's what I think" and shrugging her shoulders. Sounds to me like mindless rehashing of a tired old soundbite.

Beamur · 29/03/2019 13:27

Lots of my female friends don't have kids. I don't tend to ask why as it may not be choice.
It's a perfectly reasonable choice to make and I don't judge them.

Exhausted18 · 29/03/2019 13:27

No judgement here! Why would I? I work with a number of childfree 40-something ladies and I think their lives sound wonderfully fulfilled. Good careers, lots of varying interests, lovely partners. One is a carer for her mother and the other regularly runs for charity (so that blows the selfish argument out of the water). I'm 28 and I look older than a lot of them right now, that's what 6 months of motherhood will do to you Envy Grin

SandyY2K · 29/03/2019 13:30

Women may decide they dont want kids for a number of reasons. It's a matter of choice and not something I'd make a judgement on.

What I did find irritating as a child/teen, were friends or people in my community who had no kids, but took pleasure in constantly sending other people's kids on messages.

Most of us soon caught on and kept well away from them. My DM didn't like it either.

PandarenDruid · 29/03/2019 13:31

Your choice - but why would you join a group called 'Mumsnet'?! Just seems a bit ironic.

What's with the gatekeeping? Plenty of threads/topics on this site have nothing to do with children. But if you really must know, I came for the parking drama, stayed for the CFs. HTH.

HaroldsSocalledBluetits · 29/03/2019 13:32

Judging women is a worldwide sport, it's true. We're always selfishly not having kids, or having kids too young and thus being selfishly irresponsible, or having kids too old and thus planning on selfishly dying while our kids are young. Some of us selfishly only have one child who will obviously turn into little lord maladjusted serial killer Fauntleroy, while others selfishly litter the dying planet with far too many bastard kids fgs woman get a coil. Once our too many or too few kids are here we may selfishly work which of course begs the question as to why you had kids anyway if you're just going to selfishly pay someone else to look after them. Alternatively we may selfishly stay at home to look after them and selfishly live off our husbands and selfishly squander our educations as our selfish brains turn to mush.

CalmDownPacino · 29/03/2019 13:33

HaroldsSocalledBluetits I wish there was a like button on here because your post, on the page before this one, is perfect. I completely agree with you about the fetishisation of motherhood. I said almost that exact same thing on another thread.

Ellenborough · 29/03/2019 13:33

But choosing not to have kids makes me think you're selfish

I completely disagree. Sometimes it's a purely selfish act to have them.

If you don't want them and neither does your partner you owe nothing to anyone else in an already over-populated world, least of all to some theoretical unborn child that doesn't exist. There are plenty of people just ignorantly, blithely shelling out kids like peas 5, 6, 7 or more to fill any void that you might leave.

Although I do have a suspicion that people who choose to not have children may have a slightly selfish or self-centred and controlling streak about their personality and character. In my experience they tend to be not the most go-with-the-flow, take it all in their stride type people and are easily thrown off balance by situations where they don't have complete control over the outcome. It's easy to see why the idea of children might horrify them.

PenCreed · 29/03/2019 13:33

@MTGGirl do you really tell your child-free friends you think they’re making a mistake? If you were my friend, I’d stop seeing you after that. I don’t want children, I’ve given a lot of thought to whether or not my “nope” instinct is the right one or not. Any friend telling me I’m wrong is assuming I don’t have the capacity to make that decision myself, and is judging me as lesser. And they can fuck right off.

Skypatrol · 29/03/2019 13:35

Haroldssocalledbluetits oh how I love what you've just posted.

So depressingly true

nowshesaturtle · 29/03/2019 13:35

I don't judge because I felt the same all my life. My Dm just wouldn't have it that I was making a valid choice. I had no intention of caving in to family pressure but, for various reasons, I did end up having one child. And while I love him to absolute bits now, I was never tempted to have another, and I know that I'd have been just as fulfilled and happy (although maybe differently) if I'd stuck to my guns and stayed child-free.

Even now my DM often invites me to agree that it's a shame so-and-so never had children. I always ask why, is it, if that's what they chose?

SerenDippitty · 29/03/2019 13:37

Although I do have a suspicion that people who choose to not have children may have a slightly selfish or self-centred and controlling streak about their personality and character. In my experience they tend to be not the most go-with-the-flow, take it all in their stride type people and are easily thrown off balance by situations where they don't have complete control over the outcome. It's easy to see why the idea of children might horrify them.

More stereotyping......

HeckyPeck · 29/03/2019 13:37

People who don't have kids are egotistical and always regret it

I’m not sure how choosing not to make a little version of yourself is egotistical! Bizarre.

Ronsters · 29/03/2019 13:37

I'm 50, don't have them, never wanted and I never really think about it.

I've not had any judgement, more the odd "but don't you regret it".
I also don't live a "full life/have a marvellous career/lots of interests/am fullfilled", either. I just have a normal life without any children.

To be honest, the "lots of varied interests/wonderful career" trope is more annoying than the "selfish" ones.

GabsAlot · 29/03/2019 13:39

whats the point of my life? to live how i want to live without contraints

dont feel sorry for me al i see ipeople moaning about school holidays school runs and how mundane their life is