Fiancé’s cousin is hijacking our wedding

[Annamich]

Where do I start guys? I’m going to give you the short(ish) version. Last year my fiancé and I had told his family ( and by family I mean his mums side who are all meddling and involved in eachothers business because they are greek, loud and infuriating) that we would be getting married in 2019. One of the aunts kept badgering me for a date which I could not give as we hadn’t booked a venue but did say we will give everyone a years heads up. Turns out she kept asking because she wanted her son to get married that year and indeed after he got engaged, they booked for 2019. Fiance and I decided that two close family weddings would be a huge strain on the family (being greek we’re quite extra with our outfits and very generous with pinning money on the bride and groom so weddings are a huge expense) so we would postpone for the summer of the following year. No hard feelings, they found a venue and booked everything before us so fair enough. So fiancé got a call from his other cousin a few days ago...her demeanour was sort of tail in between legs and broke it to him that she will be having her wedding summer of 2020 a week before or after ours as we are going abroad for our wedding and she wants to also do it in the same country. Please note it’s not a destination wedding per se as its our home country and we all return several times a year for a holiday and to see family. My F (will refer to Fiancé as simply F, mother in law MIL, sister in law SIL, fiances meddling family as FMF) told his cousin that it’s a shock to us all as she hadn’t previously mentioned intentions on getting married and that she’s not engaged yet and also frankly she would be stealing our thunder to an extent. Then it got messy. His cousin didn’t get the reaction she wanted so proceeded to call other family members, crying to them and calling us unreasonable. That we’re not compromising and giving her dates therefore she will be forced to book any date she wants. She even had one family member scream at my fiancé and call him a petulant child and selfish because we don’t want our weddings so close together. One reason being that it takes away from both couples and two because we had postponed as not to inconvenience our families and here she is bull dozing us and causing drama. Then it gets even more complicated. Obviously F and I are upset so even though we haven’t told his hijacker cousin the full extent of our anger, we’ve been speaking to My f’s mum, dad and sister. His mum hasn’t been particularly indignant that the cousin ( who is known for her selfishness) is trying to detract from our special day, his dad somehow is faulting my F because he is angry about it and his sister is urging us to give a date and making out it’s not tgat big of a deal. My SIL didn’t even want hijacker cousin as her bridesmaid because she didn’t want her causing drama yet I’m meant to roll over and take it? I’m furious!!! I text the hijacker cousin (aka HC) and simply said that when I have a specific date, like all other couples do, I will announce a date. I did however tell her it would be end of Aug- beginning of Sep depending on venue. She proceeded to tell me that because I’m not giving her a date, ger family won’t be able to go to her wedding and essentially im not compromising and ruining it for her. Yet again I explained that I did not have a date, that we are in the process of visiting our prospective venues. I also explained that I can’t dictate to anyone what they should do and that her timing was inappropriate and inconsiderate to the family. She promised me that she wouldn’t steal the attention from us and that it would all be about us and it won’t even be like she’s a bride to (referring to the 2 week holiday everyone would likely take for our weddy). Is she for real? Does she actually think this is my concern? The fact that she’s even voiced this just set of alarm bells. She has a way of causing havoc and drama and I simply do not want my wedding to be tainted by her histrionics. To top it off l, following a conversation with SIL, I had asked her my HC was putting her in the middle going back and forth with message ls. SIL got ger back up and told me that it’s to do with her brother and her cousin. Essentially telling me she has ecery right. She totally missed the point that I thought it was unfair on her to feel this obligation and unfair on us to keep being pressured by everyone and have so many opinions thrown at us. I apologised later for speaking heatedly and explained it wasn’t directed at her and that I was frustrated at the situation. I apologised three times and she didn’t acknowledge a single one. Now I’m upset with SIL because this isn’t about her and she’s not the injured party. And I know damn well that if HC was having her wedding a week aprt from SIL then she would have gone all guns blazing and MIL would have caused a war. I feel like all our family has somehow made us feel guilty and inconsiderate when in actuality we’re being shafted. I’ve calmed F down and told him none of it matters and we’ll still have a great time because he’s a hot head and could easily fall out with all of them. Inside however im angry, frustrated and sad. I guess I need to hear an objective perspective. I’m finding absolutely no support from the family and I’m so mad at all of then for piling on top and then making out to be the victim.

Annamich
First of all I wish you and your Fiancé much happiness and congratulations on your engagement!

Next I just don't understand the people who are being so rude to you on this thread! You have done nothing wrong! Far from it! You have been trying to help people and have had one nasty person deliberately destroy the kind sacrifices you made for the sake of other people. It is clear that you tried very hard to arrange your Wedding Date so that it would be as easy as possible for the two families. You took into consideration the expense that it entails for them and the travel and time off which would be a holiday.

When your F's cousin said she was getting married in 2019, as you said:
"they booked for 2019. Fiance and I decided that two close family weddings would be a huge strain on the family (being greek we’re quite extra with our outfits and very generous with pinning money on the bride and groom so weddings are a huge expense) so we would postpone for the summer of the following year."

That is extremely kind and thoughtful of you! To postpone your wedding for a year so it would not clash with another family member's wedding and cause financial strain on everyone, is very kind and generous of you both! I am so annoyed with people who say nasty things to you when you have given so much thought for others concerning what should be a day all about you.

The evil person here is the "Hijacker Cousin" who, on finding out you had decided to leave 2019 free for her wedding, decided to have her wedding the same year as yours; 2020!

Considering she was not engaged when you initially announced your plans, and that her mother was the one asking what your date was, it is obvious to me that this girl, on hearing that you were having a wedding, decided straight away to eclipse you. She said she was getting married the same year. (2019 at first). Then you did your extremely kind and thoughtful act and said she should have 2019 and you would wait till 2020 (to give the family plenty of time to recover from one wedding and prepare for the next), she Miss Spitefull, "I'm-going-to-out-do-you" straight away deliberately changed her wedding date so it would clash with yours!

Why can't people see that she is a wicked and nasty piece of work who has twice upset your wedding plans when you have simply tried to help everyone and put their needs before your own?
The truth is, this little bitch will always do something nasty to spoil your wedding no matter what you do. It is her personality. She has lied to everybody and has set her "flying monkeys" against you. I am really sorry, but you are up against a very spiteful character here and the less you have to do with her the better. I hate to say it, but I think you would be better off avoiding her and anyone in her "camp". I would, though write and explain that you had postponed your wedding from 2019 to 2020 because you later learned HC was getting married in 2019 and that it would be rather a strain for the families to have to deal with two weddings close together. I would say that now the -evil troublemaker- cousin has suddenly changed her date to the be near yours, it is not possible to change yours again. I would say somehow what you said to us:

" I feel like all our family has somehow made us feel guilty and inconsiderate when in actuality we’re being shafted."
perhaps ...."We had decided upon our Wedding in 2019 without any knowledge of HC's plans. Then HC said she was having her wedding in 2019 too, we reluctantly decided for the sake of the family to postpone our wedding until 2020. We cannot be held responsible for the fact that, after we did this to help the family, FC then decided to change her wedding date to the same year as ours. (It seems she is determined to have her wedding the same year as ours!" I would write all that as well as what I wrote above, really spelling it out. Send it to all the family who'd be invited, normally. Then arrange a dream wedding somewhere they can't come.

Despite it being your dream, would it be possible to have an alternative dream wedding somewhere where she cannot find you and will not know that your wedding is happening? Have you ever dreamed of a beach wedding for example?

My cousin's daughter and her husband were married secretly in a small chapel in the north of Scotland. It was sad for her mother, but their family had been disrupted by some terrible events and arguments (not even about the wedding) mainly because of one person's personality which was selfish and nasty. She and her husband were not prepared to have a wedding where this person and people he had on his side could spoil anything. I believe they cherish the special day they had in the peaceful surroundings of a beautiful place that was very dear to their hearts.

I really do feel so sorry for you. This HC is a very nasty and tricky person. I really would think of how you can have a lovely wedding without her there. Or even her family if that is possible. You might change your plans a lot but you could tailor your day to a place and ceremony that is very special to you and your husband and designed with true meaning for the love you have and does not need lots of agonising about how to look after the rest of the guests.

Good luck! Lots of love! Remember, it's about you and your dear Fiancé, being married and together because you love each other! That is wonderful! Don't let anything else come before that!

Ellyyess - you have misunderstood the situation I am afraid. the cousin is a completely different cousin though not the one getting married in 2019. So the 'hijacker' hasn't chaned plans at all. Indeed OP is saying this 2nd one shouldn't be allowed to marry in 2020 as it clashes with hers ie. Op is trying to dictate when the cousin marries.

She may not know the reason OP postponed so she may actually think she is doing something nice for the wider family as they all seem to travel from abroad back to Greece for the wedding by having them close together for one trip.

The OP says it is to save the family expense of 2 weddings in.one year but also says they pin money to the bride. I suspect she thinks she will get less money as gifts if there are 2 weddings.

Why bother getting married? It seems like a lot of hard work.

@MadameFireweed What a ridiculous comment! Why bother doing anything? Du you always just give up on things if everything isn't easy and straightforward?

Wow. You postponed starting married life for an entire year because didn’t want two weddings for a year

Also in the extended family how many cousins are there? Is it really realistic for there only to be one wedding a year otherwise some poor sod will be waiting decades to get married.

Given as you both want to get married in home country around everyone summer holidays it actually sounds really really sensible to have both weddings with the same couple of weeks so that everyone doesn’t have to fly out twice.

She, in deference to you being engaged first, is also allowing you to set first date

Anyone who has no idea how to use paragraphs can't be old enough to get married. Sorry OP, but I couldn't bear to read that massive wall of text.

OKBobble. OOOOh Dear!!! I go to stand in the corner! Thank you so much! I definitely missed that little "other" word in "fiancé got a call from his other cousin" Wooops.
What a good thing the rest of you are intelligent! sorry

That changes my viewpoint a bit more than a tad....

-cut the letter
-arrange the Wedding
-sod everything else

Weddings can't always be spaced out to one a year per family!

Hello @RoboticSealpup (excellent name, by the way). My post wasn't actually a comment. It was a genuine question. Of course I don't give up on important things when they are not easy and straightforward. However it seems to me that getting married is not so important that it is worth getting this upset over. Sadly there are many, many more seriously important things in the world to get upset about!

@MadameFireweed

I guess we all have different priorities... Getting married was very important to DH and me, for example. Both in terms of being married (which is, of course, the most important bit, before anyone jumps in to say "just go to the registry office, princess!") and it in terms of having a big celebration and introducing our families to each other, as they live in different countries and had never met before. For others, I understand that marriage doesn't even figure at the bottom of the priority list in life, and that's fine, but the OP is clearly not one of those people and she shouldn't have to defend her position on that. Lastly, sorry to play on stereotypes, but DH is from Greece and our wedding was very, very important to his family, as was our DDs baptism. My family (from another country) was much less bothered about either of the two so I had less pressure on me to make my side happy. Again - these things matter. Most people, if they have a good relationship with their parents, have a tendency to want to make them happy. There's nothing wrong with that either.

I think my Wedding was more important to my mother than me. She nearly took over everything. She had invitations printed before I had said "yes" to getting married! I did manage to insist on the music I wanted and I made my own frock! Very simple one. But at the Reception she was so prominent I just gave way to her. That's what she was like anyway. Thankfully my dad was a lovely man!

missmouse101. OOooH Dare I say that's a bit harsh? Coming from a Mouse? Like aren't mice nice and quiet and friendly? I love mice. Says the one who couldn't even read what was written.... Aaah well. We're all human. Except the mice people. I think. I fell asleep with YouTube on. Woke up and a man was saying there are Extra-Terresrtials living among us who look exactly like humans! (What does YT think I want to watch?)

I have sympathies about massive walls of text because I have a problem with the computer screen when I am migrainous which is nearly all the time! It jumps and jerks with little black lines so I don't always patiently read it. It is easier to read spaced out text. You are right.

But maybe let them get married? After all they are in love. I am sure. And she is upset because she has been trying hard to please everyone. But you can't please everyone unfortunately. It does seem very unfair that people are blaming her though. After all she has been the good and kind person all the time. I do feel for the OP and think what with arranging a Wedding in another country and then finding someone else is jumping in to eclipse her lovely plans...

I do think the OP deserves sympathy! She wanted to keep the family weddings apart and now this cousin is deliberately tying hers to the date of the OP's. That must be upsetting! We don't know her family, she must have her reasons for not wanting her wedding to be close to another family member's. We can easily imagine silly reasons but her actual reasons might be sensible and fair.

Do you think your cousin will actually follow through on her wedding as she is not engaged? Could it be to steal attention from you? I only ask as at my wedding my cousins boyfriend/my aunts etc all spent the whole day going on about how my cousin was going to get engaged - including coming up to myself and my husband on the dance floor and the boyfriend saying oh I am going to propose soon so we are going to be getting married’. It was the main topic of conversation the whole night and we are now married two years and there is no sign of an engagement never mind a wedding! My father reckons it was to bring attention back to them as it was a special day for our family. So maybe once you book your date and confirm the wedding it’ll all go away given that she’s not actually engaged.

OP, you need paragraphs.