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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Fiancé’s cousin is hijacking our wedding

164 replies

Annamich · 29/03/2019 01:21

Where do I start guys? I’m going to give you the short(ish) version. Last year my fiancé and I had told his family ( and by family I mean his mums side who are all meddling and involved in eachothers business because they are greek, loud and infuriating) that we would be getting married in 2019. One of the aunts kept badgering me for a date which I could not give as we hadn’t booked a venue but did say we will give everyone a years heads up. Turns out she kept asking because she wanted her son to get married that year and indeed after he got engaged, they booked for 2019. Fiance and I decided that two close family weddings would be a huge strain on the family (being greek we’re quite extra with our outfits and very generous with pinning money on the bride and groom so weddings are a huge expense) so we would postpone for the summer of the following year. No hard feelings, they found a venue and booked everything before us so fair enough. So fiancé got a call from his other cousin a few days ago...her demeanour was sort of tail in between legs and broke it to him that she will be having her wedding summer of 2020 a week before or after ours as we are going abroad for our wedding and she wants to also do it in the same country. Please note it’s not a destination wedding per se as its our home country and we all return several times a year for a holiday and to see family. My F (will refer to Fiancé as simply F, mother in law MIL, sister in law SIL, fiances meddling family as FMF) told his cousin that it’s a shock to us all as she hadn’t previously mentioned intentions on getting married and that she’s not engaged yet and also frankly she would be stealing our thunder to an extent. Then it got messy. His cousin didn’t get the reaction she wanted so proceeded to call other family members, crying to them and calling us unreasonable. That we’re not compromising and giving her dates therefore she will be forced to book any date she wants. She even had one family member scream at my fiancé and call him a petulant child and selfish because we don’t want our weddings so close together. One reason being that it takes away from both couples and two because we had postponed as not to inconvenience our families and here she is bull dozing us and causing drama. Then it gets even more complicated. Obviously F and I are upset so even though we haven’t told his hijacker cousin the full extent of our anger, we’ve been speaking to My f’s mum, dad and sister. His mum hasn’t been particularly indignant that the cousin ( who is known for her selfishness) is trying to detract from our special day, his dad somehow is faulting my F because he is angry about it and his sister is urging us to give a date and making out it’s not tgat big of a deal. My SIL didn’t even want hijacker cousin as her bridesmaid because she didn’t want her causing drama yet I’m meant to roll over and take it? I’m furious!!! I text the hijacker cousin (aka HC) and simply said that when I have a specific date, like all other couples do, I will announce a date. I did however tell her it would be end of Aug- beginning of Sep depending on venue. She proceeded to tell me that because I’m not giving her a date, ger family won’t be able to go to her wedding and essentially im not compromising and ruining it for her. Yet again I explained that I did not have a date, that we are in the process of visiting our prospective venues. I also explained that I can’t dictate to anyone what they should do and that her timing was inappropriate and inconsiderate to the family. She promised me that she wouldn’t steal the attention from us and that it would all be about us and it won’t even be like she’s a bride to (referring to the 2 week holiday everyone would likely take for our weddy). Is she for real? Does she actually think this is my concern? The fact that she’s even voiced this just set of alarm bells. She has a way of causing havoc and drama and I simply do not want my wedding to be tainted by her histrionics. To top it off l, following a conversation with SIL, I had asked her my HC was putting her in the middle going back and forth with message ls. SIL got ger back up and told me that it’s to do with her brother and her cousin. Essentially telling me she has ecery right. She totally missed the point that I thought it was unfair on her to feel this obligation and unfair on us to keep being pressured by everyone and have so many opinions thrown at us. I apologised later for speaking heatedly and explained it wasn’t directed at her and that I was frustrated at the situation. I apologised three times and she didn’t acknowledge a single one. Now I’m upset with SIL because this isn’t about her and she’s not the injured party. And I know damn well that if HC was having her wedding a week aprt from SIL then she would have gone all guns blazing and MIL would have caused a war. I feel like all our family has somehow made us feel guilty and inconsiderate when in actuality we’re being shafted. I’ve calmed F down and told him none of it matters and we’ll still have a great time because he’s a hot head and could easily fall out with all of them. Inside however im angry, frustrated and sad. I guess I need to hear an objective perspective. I’m finding absolutely no support from the family and I’m so mad at all of then for piling on top and then making out to be the victim.

OP posts:
Parker231 · 29/03/2019 12:51

I’m not following, why is someone else in the family wedding stressing you so much. Chose a date and venue and then tell your guests when you send out the invitations. You don’t need to involve the extended family. My DSis and I got married the same year, different countries and totally different weddings.

TheNoodlesIncident · 29/03/2019 13:25

@Annamich - I know it's irrelevant, but DH and I love Greece, we love Greek people and we also got married in Greece. I assume that's where you're planning to get married? As we are British in the UK, we arranged our wedding online, so we didn't have the expense and time out to go out there just to look at venues. I know it's not the same, but we were saving for it so had to avoid spending where we didn't need to. It all worked out very well (although it was a bit of a faff getting the marriage certificate translated into English to the Bank's satisfaction), our guests arrived with us, we all had a lovely week exploring then we got married on the last day of that week. Our guests flew home the day after and DH and I had another week as honeymoon. It was all blissful Grin

In respect of your F's family, you can't control what they do, and you will only get stressed if you try. Your best bet is to sort out your own arrangements and let them know what you have booked when you have fixed everything. You can't please everyone so concentrate on what you need first and foremost.

I'm sorry the more snippy responses have upset you, there always are some people like that, but there are more that genuinely want to help you make things work out. Please don't let negative responses put you off.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 29/03/2019 13:28

Why don’t you let her book hers, then you book the dates around that? Problem solved!

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 29/03/2019 14:45

Creased 😂

DMdrivingmecrazy · 29/03/2019 14:58

Have you ever heard of a paragraph?

BumbleBeee69 · 29/03/2019 15:09

Cancel the wedding, and elope.. screw the batshit family Grin

starshollow1 · 29/03/2019 15:15

@Annamich yanbu. HC sounds like a right pain.

I'll be honest, I've been in the wedding party for several Greek weddings and this might upset you @PBobs , they have all been very dramatic. Usually well intentioned but so so much drama.

nocoolnamesleft · 29/03/2019 17:01

Why do people keep saying the cousin isn't engaged? If the cousin and her partner have agreed to get married, then they are engaged to be married. Whether they have a ring, a massive family party, formal announcement to all and sundry is irrelevant. Engagement is the agreement to marry.

MrsKoala · 29/03/2019 19:10

Totally agree nocoolnames. DH and I just planned our wedding and got married. We didn't do any formal engagement announcement -just invited people to our wedding or if they weren't invited told them we were getting married.

TheCherries · 30/03/2019 17:39

I think there is too much stress here and you are in danger of turning into either a Bridezilla or falling out with the family.

If you want it to be an enjoyable wedding you need to stay on good terms with those loved ones.

Your take on it is one thing, others will have a different take.

We are now at the stage where generation entitled are coming of age and reaching adult milestones.

Totaldogsbody · 30/03/2019 17:53

If she's not even engaged yet are you sure her wedding will even happen. I assume she's got a boyfriend, maybe the reason she's not engaged yet is he doesnt want to marry her. Go ahead make your arrangements.

Annaram1 · 30/03/2019 17:58

Why not just have a double wedding?

marsiettina · 30/03/2019 18:06

Wow, it’s all a bit of a mess.

I’m not sure why some people are being so aggressive on here as the only thing needed here is advice.

The wedding is in 2020 in another country, so it’s harder to organise than normal. The OP needs to ignore the cousin, choose the venue, date and then tell everyone when the wedding is. Of course it’s not ideal to have two family weddings close together, but if it happens then it happens. The OP needs to plan her wedding like it’s the only wedding and not worry about a wedding which might or might not happen.

JemSynergy · 30/03/2019 18:26

Unless her wedding day is on the same day as yours I can't see how her wedding day will take the limelight away from your day.

Bunnyfuller · 30/03/2019 18:44

Cannot read the OP. EYES BLURRING.

nuxe1984 · 30/03/2019 18:47

Not sure what all the fuss is about. You've said your wedding will be end of August/beg of September and you've stated that you all go to your home country several times a year. So suggests she books her wedding earlier in the year. Or later than yours.
Being unreasonable would be booking it within a month of the dates you've given them.
I also suggest to sort out a venue and date asap to get in first.

Catinthetwat · 30/03/2019 19:30

What are hcs options here?

1)Wait until 2021 to get married and hope she isn't bumped by some other cousin.

2)tag in the same week as yours.

  1. marry at another time of year, when family usually visit.

Personally, I'd do option 3. But I can see why she's gone for 2. She's probably been pressured by family. I doubt this is exactly how she wanted it to go either.

Try and get on the same side if you can.

Lucia1234 · 30/03/2019 19:36

Oh sweetheart weddings are very emotive and I really feel for you. If I were you ai wouldn't get into any more heated discussions just book your wedding when you can and send the invites. Job done!

CiarCel · 30/03/2019 19:37

Personally I would quietly go to a registry office with a couple of best mates as witnesses and I would get married to the man I want to marry, when I wanted to marry him, and I would have a lovely dinner and drinks with them.

Then, for "the family", I would be very upset but fall on your sword for the sake of family relations, delay your "wedding" in Greece and get lots of brownie points/sympathy and expect them to pin a shitload of extra money on the bride (if I read that tradition correctly). After which point I would bear in mind where you and your husband fit in the family hierarchy and not put myself out for them unless I wanted to and not waste energy again on the fact that it's one rule for some and another for you. You know it, so don't let it get to you.

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 30/03/2019 19:44

God - I can't even read anything without paragraphs - gave up after the first couple of lines.

Cloudly · 30/03/2019 19:54

It was very confusing reading it. Sounds very childish. You can simply set a date.

Goldilocks3Bears · 30/03/2019 20:14

I’m fairly confident that wedding planning is a good way of testing if this family is for you.... Nothing like starting out with your new family with someone having a beef Smile Next it’ll be complaining that someone is pregnant at the same time, ‘stole’ the name they wanted for the baby, or some other trivial tripe.

Good luck.

Italiangreyhound · 30/03/2019 20:18

I've not read it all but did not want to read and run. Feel free to ignore me, but in your shoes I'd pick a date with your fiance (make sure the key people you want to be there can be there) and then tell everyone.

Anyone who is stressy or unpleasant doesn't need to come.

Gone4Good · 30/03/2019 20:42

So the wide spacing of the various weddings is all about the guest being able to afford larger sums of money as gifts?

We got married to start a life and family together. OP has already had a running start with both of those things and now seems and is now in need of attention and £$₯€

If you had to wait to start a family and to live together I believe your weddings would happen a lot quicker with far less drama and maybe (you'll like this) you'd get more £$₯€ because you are just starting out.

TigerTooth · 30/03/2019 20:55

I couldn't even read all of that because it was such a rant. Just get married - and let them get married. Do whatever you want for yours and pretend that theirs isn't happening if it helps : it doesn't matter, your day is tlyours and theirs is theirs.
Get a grip - it really does not matter.