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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Fiancé’s cousin is hijacking our wedding

164 replies

Annamich · 29/03/2019 01:21

Where do I start guys? I’m going to give you the short(ish) version. Last year my fiancé and I had told his family ( and by family I mean his mums side who are all meddling and involved in eachothers business because they are greek, loud and infuriating) that we would be getting married in 2019. One of the aunts kept badgering me for a date which I could not give as we hadn’t booked a venue but did say we will give everyone a years heads up. Turns out she kept asking because she wanted her son to get married that year and indeed after he got engaged, they booked for 2019. Fiance and I decided that two close family weddings would be a huge strain on the family (being greek we’re quite extra with our outfits and very generous with pinning money on the bride and groom so weddings are a huge expense) so we would postpone for the summer of the following year. No hard feelings, they found a venue and booked everything before us so fair enough. So fiancé got a call from his other cousin a few days ago...her demeanour was sort of tail in between legs and broke it to him that she will be having her wedding summer of 2020 a week before or after ours as we are going abroad for our wedding and she wants to also do it in the same country. Please note it’s not a destination wedding per se as its our home country and we all return several times a year for a holiday and to see family. My F (will refer to Fiancé as simply F, mother in law MIL, sister in law SIL, fiances meddling family as FMF) told his cousin that it’s a shock to us all as she hadn’t previously mentioned intentions on getting married and that she’s not engaged yet and also frankly she would be stealing our thunder to an extent. Then it got messy. His cousin didn’t get the reaction she wanted so proceeded to call other family members, crying to them and calling us unreasonable. That we’re not compromising and giving her dates therefore she will be forced to book any date she wants. She even had one family member scream at my fiancé and call him a petulant child and selfish because we don’t want our weddings so close together. One reason being that it takes away from both couples and two because we had postponed as not to inconvenience our families and here she is bull dozing us and causing drama. Then it gets even more complicated. Obviously F and I are upset so even though we haven’t told his hijacker cousin the full extent of our anger, we’ve been speaking to My f’s mum, dad and sister. His mum hasn’t been particularly indignant that the cousin ( who is known for her selfishness) is trying to detract from our special day, his dad somehow is faulting my F because he is angry about it and his sister is urging us to give a date and making out it’s not tgat big of a deal. My SIL didn’t even want hijacker cousin as her bridesmaid because she didn’t want her causing drama yet I’m meant to roll over and take it? I’m furious!!! I text the hijacker cousin (aka HC) and simply said that when I have a specific date, like all other couples do, I will announce a date. I did however tell her it would be end of Aug- beginning of Sep depending on venue. She proceeded to tell me that because I’m not giving her a date, ger family won’t be able to go to her wedding and essentially im not compromising and ruining it for her. Yet again I explained that I did not have a date, that we are in the process of visiting our prospective venues. I also explained that I can’t dictate to anyone what they should do and that her timing was inappropriate and inconsiderate to the family. She promised me that she wouldn’t steal the attention from us and that it would all be about us and it won’t even be like she’s a bride to (referring to the 2 week holiday everyone would likely take for our weddy). Is she for real? Does she actually think this is my concern? The fact that she’s even voiced this just set of alarm bells. She has a way of causing havoc and drama and I simply do not want my wedding to be tainted by her histrionics. To top it off l, following a conversation with SIL, I had asked her my HC was putting her in the middle going back and forth with message ls. SIL got ger back up and told me that it’s to do with her brother and her cousin. Essentially telling me she has ecery right. She totally missed the point that I thought it was unfair on her to feel this obligation and unfair on us to keep being pressured by everyone and have so many opinions thrown at us. I apologised later for speaking heatedly and explained it wasn’t directed at her and that I was frustrated at the situation. I apologised three times and she didn’t acknowledge a single one. Now I’m upset with SIL because this isn’t about her and she’s not the injured party. And I know damn well that if HC was having her wedding a week aprt from SIL then she would have gone all guns blazing and MIL would have caused a war. I feel like all our family has somehow made us feel guilty and inconsiderate when in actuality we’re being shafted. I’ve calmed F down and told him none of it matters and we’ll still have a great time because he’s a hot head and could easily fall out with all of them. Inside however im angry, frustrated and sad. I guess I need to hear an objective perspective. I’m finding absolutely no support from the family and I’m so mad at all of then for piling on top and then making out to be the victim.

OP posts:
KathyS901 · 29/03/2019 02:18

YANBU to not be able to give the cousin a date yet. But I don't get the big deal about getting married on the same holiday? To be honest, weddings aren't THAT much of a big deal to the guests or even the family anyway! And surely once one wedding is over, the married couple would no longer want or need attention anyway? So it would be fine to move the attention to the other engaged couple? If you're really unhappy about it, just elope with your fiance. All this sounds a bit dramatically and will end up tainting the memories of your wedding for your and your fiance more than the fact that his cousin is getting married at a similar time.

grincheux · 29/03/2019 02:22

We gave family rough dates so doesn't that count as 'save the date'

No. Your family can't put an entire period on hold because you 'might' get married then. Your fiancé's relatives got their shit in one sock before you did, that's when their wedding is, now get on with organising your own.

Kaleela · 29/03/2019 02:27

It's as easy as continuing on your journey, planning your wedding and ignore ignore ignore. The more you engage the more they can all fault you. Let your F lose his marbles if he wants. It's his family, let him manage it how he wants and stuff the fallout.

Etino · 29/03/2019 02:29

It’s simple. Joint wedding.

Annamich · 29/03/2019 02:29

That’s the point. She hasn’t picked a date...she is involving everyone to pressure us to choose a date so she can do it a week apart.

OP posts:
ambereeree · 29/03/2019 02:35

Considering everyone has to fly out for the wedding a week apart sounds good. Honestly it's only a wedding.

Annamich · 29/03/2019 02:42

Thanks. You gave advice I would have given someone in my situation. Somehow I’ve been sucked into the pettiness and trying to find a way out. I just needed to talk about it and let people be brutally (and sometimes unnecessarily) honest so I can snap out of it. I’ve maintained my composure towards HC so needed to vent elsewhere.

OP posts:
ogidni · 29/03/2019 02:42

So... what date are you getting married? Halo

Annamich · 29/03/2019 02:43

HC is that you? Grin

OP posts:
SteppinOutwithMyBaby · 29/03/2019 02:47

It's a long while since I saw this, but are you using it, or a similar movie, as a template:
www.imdb.com/title/tt0259446/?ref_=nv_sr_1

SteppinOutwithMyBaby · 29/03/2019 02:47

Don't forget the Windex.

RoboticSealpup · 29/03/2019 02:58

Being Greek has nothing to do with it and I just find it bloody insulting.

Yeah, Greek people don't enjoy family dramatics at all... Halo Wink

Annamich · 29/03/2019 03:12

Haha I love that film! Instead of windex, I use sudocram for EVERYTHING!

OP posts:
KooMoo · 29/03/2019 03:44

Oh my, I need a lay down after reading all that.

What was your question again ?

Princessmushroom · 29/03/2019 03:47

Hi OP, I think you’ve been given a bit of a harsh time in the comments actually.

Of course your wedding is super important to you, and you made a decision to postpone yours as to not content with this other wedding. I think that’s actually a nice thing to do! Attending weddings can be expensive! Now, after all of that, they want to have your wedding a week before yours? Even if you sent the invitations first the guests will be comparing the two, plus two family weddings in a week IS a bit much.

I don’t actually have any advice but I don’t think you’re being ridiculous.

Could you get married this year instead 😂

Princessmushroom · 29/03/2019 03:48

Sorry, have THEIR wedding a week before yours. I even proofread it 😂

scrappydappydoo · 29/03/2019 04:13

Um sorry did I read that HC isn’t engaged yet but is organising a wedding?? Does her DP know? I think you’re being very restrained and would be tempted to be very passive aggressive about the whole thing and keep asking about the proposal and engagement party etc In reality I would disengage, and let her be the drama llama - plan your wedding, your date, your way because that’s all you can do. Everytime they ring you I would pass it along to df to deal with his family.

Annamich · 29/03/2019 04:15

Thank you for expressing yourself in a kind way.

This year is no longer an option for us. Plus we already told the family months ago we will be having in abroad in the summer of 2020 to coincide with everyone’s holidays. Everyone was happy with this.

My greatest grievance is the fact that HC has told a few porkies to justify her actions and I feel like I’ve had to defend myself despite not doing anything wrong.

I just needed perspective and to vent.

OP posts:
KC225 · 29/03/2019 04:16

OP. I feel for you. I think you are getting a hard time on this board. As a guest it would make sense for me to fly to one place for two weddings in a short space. I would be happy to wear/adapt one outfit m. You are your HC cousin will never compare wedding photographs ever after the event so it doesn't matter what people are wearing. Its up to them if they want to buy a second. The traditional pinning of money - well they have over a year to save but and they would save on two flights and journeys etc so that wouldn't be a problem.

I also get that its your special day and you don't want people to compare weddings being so close. I hate to say this to you but weddings are a big deal for the couple but kind of merge into a much of a muchness for guests. The one thing you are dreading two weddings in a week could actually make it very unique.

I think the fact people are pressuring you for dates is not on. Book some you like, insist on going first if you must but walk away from this bun fight. Stop engaing with his family on this subject. Turn to yohr family for support. Bridesmaids are your choice - you fiancee can pass that on. It's supposed to be fun not a Brexit. Although, there is a lot planning - remember the clue is in the title WEDDING DAY.

Good luck OP.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 29/03/2019 04:19

I can understand why you're upset OP - it must be really annoying when you've purposely tried to time things so as not to clash with another relative's wedding. The first time I got married we booked the date and within a few weeks three of my close friends had all booked their weddings for the same summer!!

It's difficult though if you have a big family and are at that age when people marry - there's inevitably going to be clashes. I'd just let the cousin go ahead - tell her to book her wedding as you don't know yet what dates you can do as you haven't visited any venues yet then you know what you're dealing with and you can try and arrange yours for as far away from hers as you can. That, or elope!

Oh and ignore the poster trying to shame you for not using paragraphs - I am so sick of know-it-all mumsnetters going on about people's writing style - it's blimin' social media not an academic essay and your post was perfectly understandable.

Annamich · 29/03/2019 04:24

I’m working on disengaging. My original post is a mess and a total reflection on where my head is at. I think a good nights sleep (as if, I have a teething baby!) will help. I do feel extremely repressed because of everyone’s constant involvement and opinions on every aspect in my life. I don’t have my friends or family here (I moved country for F) and I’m feeling quite isolated and attacked.

Crazy of me to think that fellow mothers and women would put thier views in a civilised manner. I don’t have to like everything people say but what happened to #bekind?

OP posts:
PBobs · 29/03/2019 04:25

Actually @RoboticSealpup mine doesn't. Nor do the families of friends or friends of friends. We're all pretty relaxed. If you have a family who are like that I'm sorry for you.

This stereotyping is exactly why I left the UK years ago and have never looked back. It just gets tiring.

Annamich · 29/03/2019 04:29

To the last couple of people who posted:

Thank you. I’m glad to know there area few decent people out there.

I wasn’t looking for allies but certainly didn’t expect so many mean spirited comments.

OP posts:
PBobs · 29/03/2019 04:37

@RoboticSealpup I'm sorry - that last post reads harsher than intended. But it is tiring and it is one of the reasons I left. I just find it hurtful when people make assumptions instead of trying to understand different cultures and ways of doing things. It's actually nothing to do with liking drama but nobody ever asks what it's about. They just prefer to make generalisations like yours and the OP's. Frankly, after 3 years of being called "Stavros the kebab man" at university and then being called "lazy/tax evading/dishonest/etc." for another 10 years my patience with attitudes in the UK was worn thin. I am sorry though if you have a Greek family who are like that - or you know one. If you are Greek that's certainly not my experience of them and if you're not please take the time to ask us about why you are wrongly interpreting our behaviour.

TheSerenDipitY · 29/03/2019 04:43

just tell her feb 4th 2020 and then later on send out save the dates with the actual dates and when asked say you changed your minds

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