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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Fiancé’s cousin is hijacking our wedding

164 replies

Annamich · 29/03/2019 01:21

Where do I start guys? I’m going to give you the short(ish) version. Last year my fiancé and I had told his family ( and by family I mean his mums side who are all meddling and involved in eachothers business because they are greek, loud and infuriating) that we would be getting married in 2019. One of the aunts kept badgering me for a date which I could not give as we hadn’t booked a venue but did say we will give everyone a years heads up. Turns out she kept asking because she wanted her son to get married that year and indeed after he got engaged, they booked for 2019. Fiance and I decided that two close family weddings would be a huge strain on the family (being greek we’re quite extra with our outfits and very generous with pinning money on the bride and groom so weddings are a huge expense) so we would postpone for the summer of the following year. No hard feelings, they found a venue and booked everything before us so fair enough. So fiancé got a call from his other cousin a few days ago...her demeanour was sort of tail in between legs and broke it to him that she will be having her wedding summer of 2020 a week before or after ours as we are going abroad for our wedding and she wants to also do it in the same country. Please note it’s not a destination wedding per se as its our home country and we all return several times a year for a holiday and to see family. My F (will refer to Fiancé as simply F, mother in law MIL, sister in law SIL, fiances meddling family as FMF) told his cousin that it’s a shock to us all as she hadn’t previously mentioned intentions on getting married and that she’s not engaged yet and also frankly she would be stealing our thunder to an extent. Then it got messy. His cousin didn’t get the reaction she wanted so proceeded to call other family members, crying to them and calling us unreasonable. That we’re not compromising and giving her dates therefore she will be forced to book any date she wants. She even had one family member scream at my fiancé and call him a petulant child and selfish because we don’t want our weddings so close together. One reason being that it takes away from both couples and two because we had postponed as not to inconvenience our families and here she is bull dozing us and causing drama. Then it gets even more complicated. Obviously F and I are upset so even though we haven’t told his hijacker cousin the full extent of our anger, we’ve been speaking to My f’s mum, dad and sister. His mum hasn’t been particularly indignant that the cousin ( who is known for her selfishness) is trying to detract from our special day, his dad somehow is faulting my F because he is angry about it and his sister is urging us to give a date and making out it’s not tgat big of a deal. My SIL didn’t even want hijacker cousin as her bridesmaid because she didn’t want her causing drama yet I’m meant to roll over and take it? I’m furious!!! I text the hijacker cousin (aka HC) and simply said that when I have a specific date, like all other couples do, I will announce a date. I did however tell her it would be end of Aug- beginning of Sep depending on venue. She proceeded to tell me that because I’m not giving her a date, ger family won’t be able to go to her wedding and essentially im not compromising and ruining it for her. Yet again I explained that I did not have a date, that we are in the process of visiting our prospective venues. I also explained that I can’t dictate to anyone what they should do and that her timing was inappropriate and inconsiderate to the family. She promised me that she wouldn’t steal the attention from us and that it would all be about us and it won’t even be like she’s a bride to (referring to the 2 week holiday everyone would likely take for our weddy). Is she for real? Does she actually think this is my concern? The fact that she’s even voiced this just set of alarm bells. She has a way of causing havoc and drama and I simply do not want my wedding to be tainted by her histrionics. To top it off l, following a conversation with SIL, I had asked her my HC was putting her in the middle going back and forth with message ls. SIL got ger back up and told me that it’s to do with her brother and her cousin. Essentially telling me she has ecery right. She totally missed the point that I thought it was unfair on her to feel this obligation and unfair on us to keep being pressured by everyone and have so many opinions thrown at us. I apologised later for speaking heatedly and explained it wasn’t directed at her and that I was frustrated at the situation. I apologised three times and she didn’t acknowledge a single one. Now I’m upset with SIL because this isn’t about her and she’s not the injured party. And I know damn well that if HC was having her wedding a week aprt from SIL then she would have gone all guns blazing and MIL would have caused a war. I feel like all our family has somehow made us feel guilty and inconsiderate when in actuality we’re being shafted. I’ve calmed F down and told him none of it matters and we’ll still have a great time because he’s a hot head and could easily fall out with all of them. Inside however im angry, frustrated and sad. I guess I need to hear an objective perspective. I’m finding absolutely no support from the family and I’m so mad at all of then for piling on top and then making out to be the victim.

OP posts:
Crabbyandproudofit · 29/03/2019 10:23

" got their shit in one sock "

Love it.

FlippinNora1 · 29/03/2019 10:27

Why is the cousin planning her wedding when she is not engaged? Does her boyfriend know about this?

My advice is to smile and nod and just go about your merry way planning your wedding. Don’t get drawn into dramas, that is what ruins weddings for many couples.

Deep breaths, serene thoughts and (hopefully) everyone will pipe down. Good luck!

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 29/03/2019 10:36

Paragraphs OP.

I couldn't make it through.

woolduvet · 29/03/2019 10:43

Could you tell them the wrong date and then book yours the week before hers. Sadly the venue asked us to change.

MrsKoala · 29/03/2019 10:51

Not sure if i'm missing it but why is a wedding a week before or after yours a problem? You say in your OP that the weddings are expensive/take a lot of travel etc so surely it makes more sense for people to only travel once for 2 weddings rather than 2 trips to the same place? If everyone will be there for a holiday at that time wouldn't 2 weddings make it more practical/economical? Confused

Shelby2010 · 29/03/2019 11:02

I can see why you’re annoyed but I think you need to look at it a bit more rationally.

  1. It will be cheaper & more convenient for the guests to have the weddings closer together.
  2. YOUR family will only be going to your wedding, so it doesn’t affect them at all.
  3. If HC picks a date and sends out invites before you, then it might be your wedding that fiancé’s family don’t attend.

I would pick a date at the beginning of the holiday season so your wedding is first and then let HC do what she likes. If family members are pressuring you to choose a date you can just calmly tell them that you can’t do that until you have checked out the venues in August (or whenever). Don’t get sucked into the drama.

SunflowerPop · 29/03/2019 11:05

Elope. I wish I did.

WarpedGalaxy · 29/03/2019 11:10

So you don’t have a date and your cousin doesn’t have a date but she’s hijacking your wedding (that has no date) because she wants to choose a date but you think she shouldn’t until you do and, when she does pick a date, it better not be near the date you don’t have?

This has nothing to do with being Greek, OP, this has everything to do with you and your fiancé’s family being batshit.

outpinked · 29/03/2019 11:12

So difficult to read without paragraphs.

Just book a date and inform everyone of it. Stop making a drama out of nothing.

IHateUncleJamie · 29/03/2019 11:21

Great advice from Duckbilled

@Annamich I think I get the general gist. I don’t think you’re being childish; you’ve already postponed your wedding once and as everyone involved has an approximate date more than a year away, that’s fine.

Sounds like the cousin is used to being the centre of attention so has decided to book her wedding (even though she’s not engaged; wtf?) in a bid to take the attention off you. As she’s not your cousin, the best thing you can do is take a deep breath, text her and say “I’m not getting involved in any drama or arguments; everyone knows we will be getting married next Aug/Sept and WHEN fiancé and I have booked our venue and date, we will let everyone in the family know. I am not discussing this any more.”

If she chooses to scream and shout or get other people to scream and shout, just keep repeating “This is OUR wedding so please respect that and stop trying to involve me in arguments about cousin’s wedding.”

Just take a breath, calm down, take yourself out of the arguments and let them all rant away at each other. Block people’s texts if you have to and let your DH deal with them. They’re not your immediate family so take yourself away from all the crap, concentrate on your wedding and send people save the date cards asap.

steppemum · 29/03/2019 11:23

So you don’t have a date and your cousin doesn’t have a date but she’s hijacking your wedding (that has no date) because she wants to choose a date but you think she shouldn’t until you do and, when she does pick a date, it better not be near the date you don’t have?

Grin Grin

cakewench · 29/03/2019 11:26

I appreciate that the cousin is irritating but at the same time, asking people to travel abroad twice just because you don't want your weddings close to each other doesn't make sense to me. Especially if the reason for it is that you want to maximise the cash you receive from guests, which is what it sounds like.

NappyDisco · 29/03/2019 11:31

When is the poor woman allowed to get married?

NappyDisco · 29/03/2019 11:33

Sorry dh I do want to marry you, but Ella is getting married in 2019, Bob in 2020, James 2021, Beth in 2022..... we just have to wait our turn.

NappyDisco · 29/03/2019 11:34

Perhaps if your family didnt have a maximum number of wedings allowed per year this woman wouldn't need to plan her wedding preengagement.

StarJumpsandaHalf · 29/03/2019 11:39

Decide on your date and book your wedding. Don’t buy into anyone else’s drama and don’t create any either.

Just think about the things you need to organise. One of those will be to get your head around whether there is a honeymoon and where that’s going to take place if you have to stay on for another week after your wedding to go to hers?

Love51 · 29/03/2019 11:39

One year 3 of my cousins who are siblings all got married, as did another mutual cousin, as did my husband's brother. One wedding we went to the new spouses home country, and it was a 2 day wedding. Another wedding was cross cultural and went on for ages to fit in all the important bits from each culture.
It was a busy year, I think 2 of the siblings had weddings a fortnight apart. Each bride and groom had the wedding that suited them, and I saw a lot of my family that year. It was great, and no less special than the family members who got married the following year!

Crazykerfuffle · 29/03/2019 11:42

I need a sit down in a dark room after reading that opening post! The thing I am most confused about is why the cousin is openly planning a wedding when she isn't even engaged.......??? Maybe her boyfriend will have run for the hills by August 2020 and the problem will all be solved. If not - just plough on with your plans and set your date and don't get involved with the drama - its not worth it. Planning a wedding is stressful enough!

FizzyGreenWater · 29/03/2019 11:50

Turn it right round and tell her you will not settle for anything less than a double wedding. Scare the shit out of her.

RomanyQueen1 · 29/03/2019 11:56

It's your marriage that's important not your wedding.
go to the town hall, grab some witnesses off the street and go home for egg and chips.
Or elope to Gretna Green, that's romantic.

daisyjgrey · 29/03/2019 11:56

Form the love of all that is holy, use paragraphs,

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/03/2019 12:22

I feel for you OP, I'm not Greek but grew up with a large group of Greek friends and was very much involved with their families and traditions. I can see how this sort of situation can arise. I have also been to many (wonderful) Greek weddings, but really couldn't do more than 2 a year because you need a long lie down inbetween. I think it's to your credit that you recognise that traditions are expensive for everybody and trying to create a gap would be a better idea. However, in this case, I would disengage, make your own plans, allow everybody else to be hysterical around you but do what YOU want. It's YOUR day and that is what matters. If it means people can't/won't attend or sulk, that's their problem. You have to stand firm.

Annamich · 29/03/2019 12:39

Thank you for your comment and to everyone who shared their opinion (whatever it was) in a respctful and non abusive way.

My post has taught me this:

  1. Not to be so reactive. Let things settle and think them through reasonably.
  2. Don’t allow others to dictate to me and feel the pressure to keep everyone happy at the expense of my own serenity.
  3. If you’re looking for objective advice from other mothers do not post on mumsnet. I’m very disappointed that some people have taken this post as an opportunity to be rude and borderline abusive to a complete stranger.

Now that I have sufficiently calmed down, I will no longer be reading any more replies.

To those of you who may be wondering, I will not engage anymouand stand firmly by my decision to not tell anyone else how and when to have their wedding. I can only express (if asked) the reasons why I was upset initially and on the bright side agree with everyone who said that pervasive it would be beneficial for the family to make only the one trip for both weddings.

OP posts:
Snappedandfarted2019 · 29/03/2019 12:41

All this drama over one day.

IvanaPee · 29/03/2019 12:44

It’s not only mothers posting here.

Even if it was, that wouldn’t mean they would have to respond in a manner that you deem acceptable.

You haven’t actually answered anyone asking why it needs to be a big event if it’s causing you so much stress already.