Fiancé’s cousin is hijacking our wedding

[Annamich]

Where do I start guys? I’m going to give you the short(ish) version. Last year my fiancé and I had told his family ( and by family I mean his mums side who are all meddling and involved in eachothers business because they are greek, loud and infuriating) that we would be getting married in 2019. One of the aunts kept badgering me for a date which I could not give as we hadn’t booked a venue but did say we will give everyone a years heads up. Turns out she kept asking because she wanted her son to get married that year and indeed after he got engaged, they booked for 2019. Fiance and I decided that two close family weddings would be a huge strain on the family (being greek we’re quite extra with our outfits and very generous with pinning money on the bride and groom so weddings are a huge expense) so we would postpone for the summer of the following year. No hard feelings, they found a venue and booked everything before us so fair enough. So fiancé got a call from his other cousin a few days ago...her demeanour was sort of tail in between legs and broke it to him that she will be having her wedding summer of 2020 a week before or after ours as we are going abroad for our wedding and she wants to also do it in the same country. Please note it’s not a destination wedding per se as its our home country and we all return several times a year for a holiday and to see family. My F (will refer to Fiancé as simply F, mother in law MIL, sister in law SIL, fiances meddling family as FMF) told his cousin that it’s a shock to us all as she hadn’t previously mentioned intentions on getting married and that she’s not engaged yet and also frankly she would be stealing our thunder to an extent. Then it got messy. His cousin didn’t get the reaction she wanted so proceeded to call other family members, crying to them and calling us unreasonable. That we’re not compromising and giving her dates therefore she will be forced to book any date she wants. She even had one family member scream at my fiancé and call him a petulant child and selfish because we don’t want our weddings so close together. One reason being that it takes away from both couples and two because we had postponed as not to inconvenience our families and here she is bull dozing us and causing drama. Then it gets even more complicated. Obviously F and I are upset so even though we haven’t told his hijacker cousin the full extent of our anger, we’ve been speaking to My f’s mum, dad and sister. His mum hasn’t been particularly indignant that the cousin ( who is known for her selfishness) is trying to detract from our special day, his dad somehow is faulting my F because he is angry about it and his sister is urging us to give a date and making out it’s not tgat big of a deal. My SIL didn’t even want hijacker cousin as her bridesmaid because she didn’t want her causing drama yet I’m meant to roll over and take it? I’m furious!!! I text the hijacker cousin (aka HC) and simply said that when I have a specific date, like all other couples do, I will announce a date. I did however tell her it would be end of Aug- beginning of Sep depending on venue. She proceeded to tell me that because I’m not giving her a date, ger family won’t be able to go to her wedding and essentially im not compromising and ruining it for her. Yet again I explained that I did not have a date, that we are in the process of visiting our prospective venues. I also explained that I can’t dictate to anyone what they should do and that her timing was inappropriate and inconsiderate to the family. She promised me that she wouldn’t steal the attention from us and that it would all be about us and it won’t even be like she’s a bride to (referring to the 2 week holiday everyone would likely take for our weddy). Is she for real? Does she actually think this is my concern? The fact that she’s even voiced this just set of alarm bells. She has a way of causing havoc and drama and I simply do not want my wedding to be tainted by her histrionics. To top it off l, following a conversation with SIL, I had asked her my HC was putting her in the middle going back and forth with message ls. SIL got ger back up and told me that it’s to do with her brother and her cousin. Essentially telling me she has ecery right. She totally missed the point that I thought it was unfair on her to feel this obligation and unfair on us to keep being pressured by everyone and have so many opinions thrown at us. I apologised later for speaking heatedly and explained it wasn’t directed at her and that I was frustrated at the situation. I apologised three times and she didn’t acknowledge a single one. Now I’m upset with SIL because this isn’t about her and she’s not the injured party. And I know damn well that if HC was having her wedding a week aprt from SIL then she would have gone all guns blazing and MIL would have caused a war. I feel like all our family has somehow made us feel guilty and inconsiderate when in actuality we’re being shafted. I’ve calmed F down and told him none of it matters and we’ll still have a great time because he’s a hot head and could easily fall out with all of them. Inside however im angry, frustrated and sad. I guess I need to hear an objective perspective. I’m finding absolutely no support from the family and I’m so mad at all of then for piling on top and then making out to be the victim.

First let me say, I totally understand the dynamics you are talking about (I have a big Greek family myself!?!) however understanding this background means that you only have one option-pick a date, book your venue and get in there first! Also if you are planning end of August beginning of September, may I suggest the beginning of September (only because everyone will be in holiday mood for the whole of August,and they will all be broke at the end of August :) actually beginning of August would be even better as they will just be getting into holiday mood :)
Like others have suggested,if there is a large contingent coming from the U.K., it would be easier for everyone to have the two weddings a week apart so just make sure you get in first-do it YOUR way (and don't let anyone dictate who you have to invite etc). My wedding was the big fat Greek wedding,whereas my sister opted for an English style wedding with more friends and fewer family members-we both had a fabulous time and each of us had the day WE wanted. It can be done,just keep calm and enjoy YOUR day x

Pbobs I’m not sure how you have interpreted my post but I am greek and I wasn’t trying to put any culture down. I’m proud of my heritage but I’m not afraid to call a spade, a spade. I was also trying to highlight the differences in culture. I understand the British give gifts and vouchers whereas we give money. I felt it was pertinent to mention this because it is the whole reason why we wanted to space out family weddings. Financially speaking it is a strain to have two back to back weddings. Before a couple of days ago, nobody even knew HC was getting married. Heck she isn’t even engaged!

@Annamich nor am I. Your post shows real lack of insight into the way that Greek families work - and if your DH's family is the one causing the drama why not your Greek family too? Greeks don't give money etc if they can't. No different to any other culture. They give what they can - in fact less so than ever before these days. Your comments are flawed - certainly in terms of regular, run of the mill Greeks. I'm more than happy to talk about Greece being racist and poor at sensible political decision making etc. but your post does show a lack of understanding of real Greeks. And it doesn't highlight differences in cultures - it feeds damaging cliches that lead to (amongst other things) anti-European sentiment etc in the UK. I'm just not afraid to call a spade, a spade.

As in "nor am I" trying to put down a culture.

My family isn’t getting involved because they won’t be attending two weddings. They also haven’t been receiving calls from HC to rile them up. I understand your sentiments and you have expressed them very eloquently. I just don’t feel it’s that deep. I think your own experiences that you mentioned previously have probably made you a bit sensitive to the subject. Please accept that it wasn’t said with malice and I’ll accept that my description has come across as ignorant to you.

It sounds like you need to ignore any drama that is brewing. Focus on your own wedding and give the dates to family when you have booked.

We had our wedding 2 apart from my husband’s brother’s wedding. We planned it intentionally so family from another country could fly over an attend both weddings. Otherwise they wouldn’t have been able to come out for both. It really didn’t bother me

It doesn't matter when the cousin gets married! Just plan yours and send out save this date cards asap.

gosh, all this drama. this is exhausting. Just elope!

Just pick a date!

Op - what a pickle ! Your replies have been remarkable in mn terms - thoughtful and considered and self aware ! Bloody hell what happened to flouncing and ignoring!!!
In a perfect world I have visions of a huge joint celebration by the extended family of two beloved members getting married.
However from your description of dynamics I can’t imagine that working in the slightest.
Best to have them so that family travelling can attend both but again I would foresee competitive comparison type crap happening ?
Can you have smaller close family only type wedding this year?
Whatever happens no doubt somenof the drama will calm down eventually. Hope venting here has helped.

YANBU to find all this exhausting and irritating.

Option 1: Elope.

Option 2: If you can’t elope, just plan your wedding how you want and let HC and the rest of them worry about the rest.

Option 3: If you’re really bothered about the potential of her wedding being at the same time as yours (understandably IMO), do something completely different for yours. Have it here, or in winter, or at Christmas....there are lots of ways to do weddings and anyway, it’s about the marriage, not the day.

I would elope then come back and announce that you are married! It's more likely to cause them greater upset.

Hey OP.

I got married eighteen months ago and looking back, it was stressful. Lots of people giving their opinions IS stressful when you're trying to make big decisions (and there are so. many. decisions.)

This whole thing with your fiance's cousin sounds really unfortunate. I can see why she might think this would save people money, but we all want our weddings to be special. While there will be some crossover between the two sets of guests, there'll be a lot of people on your side for whom this will be the only wedding.

As i said above, planning a wedding is crazy stressful and these things seem much bigger at the time. I got frustrated with my in-laws many times during the process. So much money and effort is on the line and most people have never planned such a big event before they have to plan their own wedding. Add in the fact that you've got a baby (!!!) and you must be going through a pretty intense time right now. I don't think anyone can blame you for getting upset over this!

My recommendation would be that you send a text message to the relatives you've fallen out with and explain that right now you've got a lot on with wedding planning and looking after a baby and you're going to take some time away from this to recollect, and then do that.
Have a couple of weeks where you don't communicate with them unless necessary. Try to reduce the amount of time you're spending on the wedding right now (it really will wait two weeks!) and focus on having some quality time with your husband--to-be where you talk about something other than the wedding and the baby.

In two weeks time, you'll probably feel a lot better about this situation and you can decide where to go from there.

Sending you good wishes.

So the cousin is being a bit UR by creating a drama out of this but you sound so frustrating! If you'd just booked a date then other people could work around it but you're not giving them the option; by doing it you way you're commandeering a whole season which means other people can't organise anything.

You sound very entitled, just organise a date and announce it - you are actually forcing the cousin to either wait a whole year or risk clashing. Stop being difficult, if you haven't got a date then you'll have to work around hers or wait another year.

You’re being ridiculous. You say you postponed your wedding from this year because you wanted to avoid expense for your families, yet the obvious way to reduce expense for your families is to have two weddings within a single trip, so it’s obviously not about being considerate to your families but about yours/your fiancé’s need for everything to be all about you.
If this cousin genuinely is a drama llama then that’s the price you are going to have to pay for being so ridiculous about this year and not combining with a more reasonable relative.

Whilst I can see that it’s annoying to be hassled to pick a date I can also see that the cousin is probably trying to give you first pick whilst actually being considerate to their family and trying to pick a date that allows people to combine their trips into a single holiday.
If I were the cousin i’d be getting fed up with your behaviour and just go ahead and set my own date, then you’ll have to work around them if you want the family to be able to attend yours as with their date set first theirs will take priority.

So accept that they have just as much right to get married next summer as you do (I cannot emphasise this point enough!!!) and get on with it and pick a date or accept that you’ll have to work around them if you want all the family to attend.

You should have just got married when you first wanted to in 2019, I’m sure most people can afford to go to 2 weddings in one year, otherwise you’ll be putting your wedding off for the next ten years!

I dunno. It's all Greek to me, apart from Vicky Pollard showing up. That made total sense.

Oh OP, just get married and enjoy your amazing day.
And enjoy the cousin's amazing day.
You can actually choose to embrace it is what it is and be happy that so much joy is coming into the family.
Over the years, there will be turbulence and more joy, babies and more weddings, teens and possibly divorces (hopefully not), family members facing cancer, debt, or another crisis. As sure as you live, you'll be taking the good and the bad. Take the day as the start of a life together, through thick and through thin, not just as husband and wife but as a whole family. You're in this together and not alone. That is a gift.

I'd LOVE to be going to both your weddings! They'll be great and so, so, so happy!

This is coming from someone who goes to all funerals and no weddings in the past few years. And it sucks. I could do with a wedding or a christening, a reminder of life's springtime.

Excuse my ignorance, but why do you have to have all these drama llamas at your wedding??

Can’t you just have a smaller one with only immediate family or something?

Wouldn't it be less stressful for you to change it to 2021?

So she's purposely wanting to book a date within a week of what date you decide? I can see why you are angry.

Give her a fake date!!

In a way I think it makes sense to have the weddings close together if they are both going to be in the home country. You said many of the family will stay for 2 weeks, so it saves them flying out in (say) June for 2 weeks, and then again in August for 2 weeks.

However the way the cousin is going about it is pretty OTT.

What strikes me about the opening statement is all the fuss & tension & high dramatics. When you've been married for a few decades you'll realise like many of us here that all this stuff is just insignificant hot air. People get confused with a big show-off day & what a marriage really is. The focus is in the wrong place.
Someone said to me once 'You have to get married once to know what you REALLY want'. Many of us having been on the merry-go-round the first time would opt to do things very differently if we were given a 2nd chance. The only thing that really matters is you & your fiancé making vows, the rest is irrelevant. Do yourself a big favour & elope. I've never heard anything so ridiculous as a family planning their marriages a year apart.

The only thing I’m confused about is is she actually getting married? Does she have a partner? Is he aware of any of this?

It does make sense to have them close if all family are out there - is there a chance you know what dates are available at the two venues so you could give her a preliminary not x, y or z but you could have 1. 2, 3? Maybe only mention the dates that she could use to avoid confusion.

You can’t tell her not to get married. i imagine everyone’s a bit confused as to what the issue is - wanting all the attention seems the most likely.
Unless you can be really clear about why this has irked you, it’s just going to cause more and more drama.

If it were me, whixh it wouldn't be as I couldn't care less about weddings close together ... I'd do the following

1 chose the date you want. Tell her you'll either have it x date (chosen date) or y date two weeks later, so she books thenmidddle weekend, that way you get your wedding first, plus you've got her date picked out for her lol 😆 serves her right being a diva

2 your family will be thankful that 2 weddings will happen in one trip - it's bloody expensive and I suspect not everyone wants to be traipsing abroad every time somebody gets wed!

Are you SURE this isn't all about how much money people give you? Do you think they'll half it if there's two weddings?!

I can imagine how ruddy annoying that is, to have been pushed into postponing your wedding for a whole year so it didn’t clash with someone else’s, only to have this annoying cousin be allowed to have her wedding within a week of yours! It must feel like you’re isnt as valued, which is really horrible way to feel.

However, I’d look on it as ‘things change, people change and it’s not a reflection on how much they value you’. To be honest, it was pretty unreasonable for yours to be postponed this year, so it’s good that’s changing within the family traditions. It’s just rubbish timing that you got to be gracious this year, and gracious next year! However, it’s far better to be gracious than to lower yourself into all the in-fighting, as it will just upset you even more.

You can see how upset it’s already making you just by reading your post (which I found perfectly readable by the way ). Your OP conveys how upset and stressed and just how bonkers all this fighting is making everyone, and who needs that around their wedding right?!

Your wedding will be wonderful, no matter what. She can’t spoil it no matter how hard she tries, no matter what she does, unless you let it all get to you.

You just focus on doing your thing and being nice and kind and welcoming, but not a door mat (!).

Just focus on celebrating your love and happiness with your close family and friends, and the rest of them can either stop yapping and queue up for the fabulous party fun, or go off and be grumpy and miss out on the most wonderful, authentic and fabulous celebration of many, many years to come! Which of course they won’t do because that would be stupid right?!

So time to stop worrying, and start smiling again!