To think my marriage is affair proof?

[PinaColada66]

My DH is a lovely, lovely man. He believes passionately that family is important and the centre of everything and he’s very anti cheating.

However, he has a relatively new female friend who he’s clearly very taken with. They get along like a house on fire and if he was single I think he would definitely want to be with her. I’ve met her several times and she’s very nice. I see why he likes her so much.

So my question is, because I know how strongly he feels about ‘family’, can I feel safe that he’s not going to cheat on me with her?? Is any man affair proof? What can I do to keep our marriage ‘safe’?

Nothing is guaranteed but life and death.

@CanuckBC The version I've heard is "Nothing is certain except death and taxes". Depressing but true!

I work in a very male orientated environment. I mainly work one to one with them so of course a form of a relationship develops. With a few it may develop into going off and having lunch together , or being alone in the work space having lunch. We speak about our families , our relationships , our past Tec , basically everything you would chat about if you were speaking with a female friend, because that is what a few have become. Yes , as the office / work environment is private during those times we could have spent the time shagging, but honestly, my friendship has never taken that turn in the same way you'd not shag your female friend if she was over your place for a coffee . It is possible to be friendly with someone with any sexual attraction.

The most worrying thing you've typed is He believes passionately that family is important and the centre of everything and he’s very anti cheating

Someone with that sort of declarative public persona (as you describe it) is exactly the sort of person to adopt cognitive dissonance and secrecy.

Why does he need to 'believe passionately'? Why can't being honest and faithful just be who he is, without needing to make a song and dance and draw attention to the issue?

Comes across like a dry alcoholic, who will take one small drink and think 'fuck it, I've sinned now, might as well drink the bar dry'.

I think there is a difference between someone being trustworthy and not the type to have affairs, and someone who falls in love with someone else and leaves their spouse though?

I wouldn't have a physical affair and I wouldn't lie ... but if I were with the wrong person, I might fall in love with someone else and leave... and I am guessing that there are men out there who are the same?

This absolutely needs to be nipped in the bud right now
There is nothing to nip in the bud right now and what will that accomplish? They are people who cheat because they don't value commitment much and they like the frill. They are some who doas an escape mechanism because they are unhappy with their partner and they fall in the trap of the temptation of feeling valued again. Then you have those who just LL madly in love for someone else.

My oh said seething poignant one day. His ex had an affair and left him totally devastated. He was very angry. Then he met me years later and it was intense love from the start. He said that if he'd met whilst still married, he really didn't know what he would have done as he knew I was his soul mate. The reality is that the opportunity wouldn't have been there to know each other let alone to grow close enough to have feelings for each other but if we had, who knows what he would have done.

If your OH has fallen madly in love with her and they get to the point that they think they are destined for each other, there is nothing you could do to change this even if he stayed with you, it would be because he is putting his principles ahead of his feelings. Not a great marriage to have.

Thankfully, it is more unlikely that they got along well and that's that. I became close to a male worker to the point I was telling him very personal things and found comfort in doing so but I had absolutely no feelings for him whatsoever and no way would it have ever led to anything more than this friendship which did die off in time as we both moved on.

Don't bring it up, just keep an eye on his behaviour.

And why on earth can't you just talk to him and tell him how you feel? Communication is the bedrock of any marriage. You don't trust him to listen sympathetically and care about how you feel - but you do trust him to be faithful? Huh? How does that work?

If hes going to do it then he will because what comes out of someones mouth isn't often what they do themselves.
My friends husband allegedly got upset when his friends and brother etc were having affairs whilst married. He was religious and helped out at church etc.
He was found out shagging his cousin of all people!

Hmmm, haven't read all the replies but as a long term single woman (I am dating somebody but still feel single) I think the part needing proofing is always going to be yourself. I suppose my experiences as an adult have ''proofed'' me against feeling lonely. The fact that I've had to go and do things alone has ''proofed'' me against deciding not to go and do something I want to do because I've nobody to do it with me. The fact that I've spent so much time at home alone has ''proofed'' me from feeling lonely when I'm alone. Not having anybody to rely on (financially and practically) has proofed me against the passivity of not having a plan.

But a lot of people would interpret that negatively. I enjoy the company of other people. I'm dating somebody. If it ended I'd be sad but also a part of me would feel relief, like equilibrium was restored. Re-set. Normal. My normal.

In relation to your own situation I'd start putting yourself first again. Stop only making decisions that suit the family. I think that you only make yourself more desirable by ringfencing your absolute right to time to pursue your own interests and goals. Don't hand over your goals and dreams and relaxation for the good of the family unit ALL of the time.

@pinacalada66

You know what you should do?

Welcome her into her family with open arms.

Instead of saying you feel worried, miffed, insecure and making this into something (which it may or may not be) you need to take a new tack.

If she is a scheming viper and wants to snare your DH, the best you can do is show her you are a united team and a family.

Suggest your DH invites her round to meet the family. Have her round to lunch at the weekend- she's single- why not? If she's got a boyfriend, invite him too.

That way it gets it into the open, she sees he has a wife and DCs and her fantasy- or his- will burst.

Instead of driving it underground by appearing insecure, do the opposite. Ask to meet her. Show an interest.

It's like teenagers- if you forbid something they will still find a way but do it deceitfully if they really want to.

Her family= YOUR family

There's a difference between 'would never have an affair' and 'would never leave his family'. I don't believe my DH would never have an affair (doesn't mean I believe he will either), but he's very unlikely to leave me and the kids.

Does he have other female friends? I think there are a lot of people who can be 'just friends' with the opposite sex (I'm one, DH too), and often those who can't believe it just cannot be possible as it's not their experience.

Platonic friendships with the opposite sex happen when there is a gap to fill in a relationship. This leads to physical attraction.

It's the old 'When Harry met Sally' adage..men and women can't just be friends..not close friends anyway.

You need to ascertain, through a frank chat preferably, what he is getting from this friendship.

Normally it is attention and appreciation for who you are as a man...has that perhaps slipped in your relationship?.

Something you said in your second post concerns me:

He gets a bit defensive about her. I have never criticised her but if I did I know he would defend her.

Really? He'd defend her over your opinion. That's a worry in itself. As others have said, no marriage is affair-proof. I wouldn't say my partner was the type either, but if he suddenly found a new female friend who he got on like a house on fire with and wanted to spend lots of time with and do things for, I'd have some very serious concerns. Emotional affair waiting to happen I'd say.

I thought my marriage was affair proof as DH was very disparaging and judgmental about others who had affairs, and he was a big family man.

Until the day he came home and told me he'd been seeing someone else and was leaving.

It's the old 'When Harry met Sally' adage..men and women can't just be friends..not close friends anyway.

What an absolute load of bollocks, real life isn't movieland & it is perfectly possible to have long term close friendships with the opposite sex. DHs best friend was female, we actually ended up as close friends too & she was DDs godmother. Just as my ex who is my long time very close friend is her godfather. Nothing else but close friends on both counts

Ha ha, great juxtaposition of posts!

I'm of the 'of course men and women can be friends, WFT are you talking about suggesting they can't?' persuasion, because that's been my life, my experience, my inclination.

IME the kind of people who think they can't have always seen boys and men as 'other' and as some sort of commodity, in terms of their 'boyfriendworthiness', rather than just viewing them as people.

...and perhaps it's to do with viewing themselves as some sort of commodity and valuing themselves in terms of their attractiveness, rather than just seeing themselves as a person in the world, too.

I don't deny that attractiveness can oil the wheels of social interaction but it doesn't usually lead to actual attraction, or anything further IME.

Honestly, as a guy, feeling like I'm on a leash makes me want to pull on that leash. Oh yes, so your feels are so much more important to you than knowing that you are hurting and making your significant other feel uncomfortable. That bullshit is peddled by people who are going to cheat. It's basically the same as saying "you're pushing me away!".

Having respect for your marriage and your partner is not a "leash" fgs, and being expected to respect your partner and marriage is not an excuse to "pull the leash". You're not a dog.

Or are you?

if he was single I think he would definitely want to be with her.

OP if this is true, this is already too much.

Lottie - love your point about comodification. Never thought about it like that. Very interesting.

No marriage is completely affair proof - sorry.

If you're having doubts now then they're there for a reason.

The questions I'd be asking - she's a new female friend - how/why etc? If it was e.g. via a course/hobby he's taking I wouldn't say he couldn't do this etc but I would keep a close eye on it. And probably her if I'm honest.

Another one here who says I'd be concerned. My ex and I had only been married 2 years, though together much longer with 2 small dcs. She came along as a part of his hobby that I had encouraged him to take up to give him a life outside the domestic and work environment. There was mentionitis, frequent messages. She was leaning on him for support as a single mum with depression. We actually did have a convo about her and the danger she possibly posed to our marriage. I had much more experience with prior relationships, crushes etc, He was quite inexperienced in relationships and naive. I advised him that this could be a threat, that it was perfectly possible to develop feelings which in itself is not a sackable offense but that if you put yourself in a position to act on them, it will be hard to resist. I and another friend advised him to cut contact or keep it purely focused on the hobby but he did neither. Some years and much upheaval later, they are married, hes an EOW dad, by choice, and my kids still ask father Christmas to bring them their family back. Funnily rnough he has zero sympathy for my situation as a single mother yet her 'plight' moved him to tears 🙄. OP, be honest and flag concerns. You are entitled to your worry and if he is above board he'll not mind being open with you re their communication. Any defensiveness or secrecy is a red flag.

Oh dear OP - I'm really sorry, but everything you say makes your relationship sound less affair-proof.

I think my husband and I have tendencies and preferences that make us fairly secure in that way:

• Both too lazy to sustain an additional relationship. We're fairly busy, and when there's time left over, that's chill time!
• Both have relatively low sex drives - due to the aforementioned business, sex can get pushed down the agenda without either of us being peturbed. However both big on physical affection and intimacy of communication.
• For myself, sexually and personally fussy - I'm only attracted to a relatively narrow range of men.
• For him - a combination of being oblivious to female interest and has an inverse tendency to irritate most women he's attracted to, whilst attracting women who irritate him (happily, I'm an exception, though he does irritate me ).

He does hate cheaters, family type man, but I think it's the facts above that incline both of us more to fidelity.

Everyone's always leaping on the cheating bastard band wagon. OP he hasn't shown any indication of secrecy, lying or cheating in fact he's been open and honest about talking about her to you. There's should be nothing to 'nip in the bud' and I'd tread carefully with the attack speeched suggested because he's probably done nothing wrong. You know your husband and you're probably right there's nothing going on.

All you need to do is have an honest chat with him about your feelings and why you feel off about it so he has to opportunity to make you feel better and explain, to set your mind at rest. From a place of worry not anger that'll send him on the defensive and probably very insulted!

Honestly, as a guy, feeling like I'm on a leash makes me want to pull on that leash

Nothing to do with being a guy, I'd be like that too if I ever felt someone was trying to control me