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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my marriage is affair proof?

538 replies

PinaColada66 · 28/03/2019 22:55

My DH is a lovely, lovely man. He believes passionately that family is important and the centre of everything and he’s very anti cheating.

However, he has a relatively new female friend who he’s clearly very taken with. They get along like a house on fire and if he was single I think he would definitely want to be with her. I’ve met her several times and she’s very nice. I see why he likes her so much.

So my question is, because I know how strongly he feels about ‘family’, can I feel safe that he’s not going to cheat on me with her?? Is any man affair proof? What can I do to keep our marriage ‘safe’?

OP posts:
liamhemsworthsrealwife · 31/03/2019 13:01

Oh op. He's gaslighting you. He should be worried about giving you up, not her.

Morgan12 · 31/03/2019 13:13

You think he is prioritising you.
You see his point about not ending friendships.

Seriously? Is this really truly how you see this situation?

I'm lost for words honestly.

Morgan12 · 31/03/2019 13:17

Sorry I didn't mean that to sound so harsh but I think you honestly need to value yourself more.

He isn't ending the friendship because he has done 'nothing wrong'. Is making you feel this way not wrong then?

And you will now put up with something that makes you feel like shit and is 100% threatening to your marriage because you 'don't want him to see her in secret'. Come on now!

If this was a friend asking you for advice on this what would you say?

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 31/03/2019 13:17

I'd be asking to see the messaging.

I don't care if that's controlling.

If he can't or won't show you, then act appropriately.

Original poster
PinaColada66 · 31/03/2019 13:20

It’s tricky because I don’t want him to see her but I can see it from his side. If as he says he feels nothing but friendship for her then me asking him to give that friendship up seems wrong. If he asked me to give up one of my friends I’d go mad. So I don’t know what’s for the best really.

I’m not being passive, I’m trying to respect him but still stand up for what I want.

OP posts:
longtimelurkerhelen · 31/03/2019 13:23

@PinaColada66

Then ask him to show you his phone messages to put your mind at rest. If he is reasonable and cares about your feelings he will show you.

oldowlgirl · 31/03/2019 13:23

But if he explained to you that your friendship with a male colleague, for example, made him feel rubbish would you not then reconsider the friendship with a view to giving up that friendship? (Caveat is that it's a one-off request not a tactic by an abusive partner).

oldowlgirl · 31/03/2019 13:25

Good point @longtimelurkerhelen - ask to see their messages Op, that should put your mind at ease but id they're deleted, then you'll have your answer.

Graphista · 31/03/2019 13:25

I'm sorry but it seems to me you're afraid of "losing" him which is why you're not pushing this and you're accepting what is clearly at the very least an emotional affair.

Personally I would be VERY surprised if they haven't at least kissed.

You could give him that book to read but quite honestly to me your marriage is over, he's very clearly already with words AND actions prioritising her over you!

He's VERY much into cheaters script now

Mentionitis
Prioritising her needs
Glued to phone
Gaslighting
Denying when it's clear SOMETHING is going on

In your position at this point I'd be insisting on seeing his phone, he stops seeing her at all or he goes!

I really really don't think their relationship innocent at all!

Fraula · 31/03/2019 13:26

You can redefine the boundaries of your relationship, regarding friends of the opposite sex. This is perfectly acceptable: new, close friendships with members of the opposite sex are not allowed.

You need to check his phone.

Your gut reaction isn't wrong here.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 31/03/2019 13:29

Oh God OP.

I have loads of male friends, I was expecting to come on here and say leave him to it etc

But I would also be very suspicious in this scenario.

It is possible to find friends of either sex that you click with. But it takes time to build up a proper friendship rather than just someone you get on with. I would be deeply worried about anyone who starts confiding relationship troubles to someone they have only known a few months. Is your husband normally someone that women confide in? Does he honestly believe she hasn't any friends of her own? No friends whatsoever she can talk to? And that talking to him is actually positively helping her relationship? He should be saying it's not appropriate to talk to her about her relationship as I'm sure her husband really really wouldn't like it. Would he like it if you were upset with him and instead of talking to him you confided in a really new Male friend?

I'm sorry all of this is just wrong and if he can't see your reasonable point of view it's because he doesn't want to

I think some peoples relationships are affair proof. But he is already a bit over invested in her.

blueshoes · 31/03/2019 13:30

If he asked me to give up one of my friends I’d go mad. So I don’t know what’s for the best really.

He behaved so violently (stormed out) because he sensed you are building up to making him choose and he does NOT want to choose. He wants his cake and eat it. Therefore, he wants to make it very difficult for you to make him choose by raising the stakes.

If my dh was feeling insecure about someone, I can objectively see it from his point of view too. If it came down to a choice, , I know who I would choose. Your dh wants both for now. He is warning you off.

I would quietly make preparations for a divorce (sorry, plan for the worst, hope for the best) and can all my ducks in a row. Whatever your dh has in mind with this friend, I don't think emotionally, he is quite at the divorce stage yet. So strategically, position yourself ahead of him. This will give you a few months anyway whilst the drama of your confrontations dies down. Then revisit and see if things have improved. If not, it could come down to a binary choice for him but at least, then all you have to do is push the button and ask him to leave the family home for a trial separation.

If you want him back, you got to push him out first (and possibly lose him forever). Otherwise, it will be a long drawn out deceit.

Loopytiles · 31/03/2019 13:36

Wow, now he has you playing the “pick me dance”.

How new is the “friendship” anyway?

Suggest YOU read the Not Just Friends book. And/or Chump Lady.

Loopytiles · 31/03/2019 13:37

According to both those, your best chance of saving your marriage would be to ask him to leave, since he is prioritising OW.

chaosisaladder · 31/03/2019 13:43

He is being a prick, and I’m sorry for you. You’re clearly a very trusting person and you think a lot of him. I think you need to start thinking more of yourself. If he storms off, he storms off. If he’s annoyed, he can be annoyed. What’s the alternative? You carry on feeling uncomfortable and on edge about what may or may not be happening between them. Life is too short for this kind of fuckery.

Tell him to be your husband or be her “friend”, but he can’t be both.

GoFiguire · 31/03/2019 13:46

Time to stop ironing his shirts.

sar302 · 31/03/2019 13:52

I'm usually of the opinion that if you love and trust someone, they should always have the benefit of the doubt. But the whole "We would never take the relationship further", almost sounds like they've discussed this as a possibility! And perhaps decided 'not now', but they clearly think they're compatible in some way.

I also don't understand why - if she's as nice a person as he says she is - she doesn't have at least one female friend that she can confide in, who will take her out for a drink and a good chat. If my relationship broke down, I wouldn't be sobbing in the arms of a married man, my girl friends would rally round to help and probably bury the bastard

chaosisaladder · 31/03/2019 14:10

I’m married, one of my close friends who is male and straight is single. We’ve been friends since school and I adore him. He would be mortified if I started talking about problems in my marriage with him. I’d find it weird if I felt compelled to talk about my marriage with him - I have female friends for that, I have my mother, I have mumsnet (!)

Just see it for what it is - bullshit

chaosisaladder · 31/03/2019 14:12

(And if DH told me the friendship made him uncomfortable and that it was inappropriate, I’d feel horrible that I’d made him feel that way, and the friendship would end)

Babooshkar · 31/03/2019 14:27

He is wilfully sidelining your feelings and turning this against you and right now he has all the power as you’re being extremely ‘respectful’ of HIS feelings.

The storming out is a huge red flag. Is this how he normally reacts to a conflict / situation? If not then you can pretty much guarantee it was so he could make contact with her.

I would be asking for access to his mobile and/or mobile bill at the very least.

swingofthings · 31/03/2019 14:31

You're doing tge right thing OP. Saying that, I think you need to make it clear to him that you expect total honesty as to when he sees her etc...and nake it clear that tge moment ge lies or tries to hide something, he is out of the door. After all if things are as he says, there is nothing for him to hide from you.

Billybobbob · 31/03/2019 14:56

Sorry if I've missed this on the thread but how new is this friendship? I'd be concerned that he has developed an 'I won't give up the friendship' attitude with someone he's only be friends with a short time. This suggests a level of emotional involvement that's beyond normal friendship.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 31/03/2019 15:00

If my husband ever told me that any of my friendships made him feel uncomfortable I’d be horrified and would want to know how to fix it and move forward, male or female friend.

I wouldn’t:

  1. Storm out the house
  2. Go to bed in a huff
  3. Refuse to cut contact
  4. Refuse to change anything about the relationship or reassure you in anyway

This man is not prioritising you in any way, shape or form. All he’s done is to convince you by hook or by crook that it’s perfectly acceptable for things to continue as they are.

ScrollLock · 31/03/2019 15:48

My ex-wife accused me of having an affair with a colleague. I wasn't. However, she was convinced and I did get very frustrated trying to convince her that there was nothing going on.

There are similarities to the OP's situation as I did a couple of favours for the colleague (always in the company of other people from work) when she bought a house. That was OK until my ex met the colleague at a work do. It must have triggered some insecurities, perhaps based on deep seated female intuition, which led her to accuse me of cheating which eventually led to the breakdown of our relationship.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 31/03/2019 16:10

I'm sorry but it seems to me you're afraid of "losing" him which is why you're not pushing this and you're accepting what is clearly at the very least an emotional affair.

Personally I would be VERY surprised if they haven't at least kissed.

You could give him that book to read but quite honestly to me your marriage is over, he's very clearly already with words AND actions prioritising her over you!

He's VERY much into cheaters script now

Mentionistis
Prioritising her needs
Glued to phone
Gaslighting
Denying when it's clear SOMETHING is going on

In your position at this point I'd be insisting on seeing his phone, he stops seeing her at all or he goes!

I really really don't think their relationship innocent at all!

This. And then this some more..

And he has you doing the pick me dance with his storming out theatrics - read chump lady!!!

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