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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my marriage is affair proof?

538 replies

PinaColada66 · 28/03/2019 22:55

My DH is a lovely, lovely man. He believes passionately that family is important and the centre of everything and he’s very anti cheating.

However, he has a relatively new female friend who he’s clearly very taken with. They get along like a house on fire and if he was single I think he would definitely want to be with her. I’ve met her several times and she’s very nice. I see why he likes her so much.

So my question is, because I know how strongly he feels about ‘family’, can I feel safe that he’s not going to cheat on me with her?? Is any man affair proof? What can I do to keep our marriage ‘safe’?

OP posts:
Spottyowl · 31/03/2019 09:05

Just read all of this with my heart in my mouth. How are things this morning OP?

EvaHarknessRose · 31/03/2019 09:40

You’ve been very straightforward with him. Not much for him to argue with about what you have said. It must be hard but I think you have shone light on something, well done.

RoboticSealpup · 31/03/2019 09:42

@swingofthings

I don't see what else she could've done!

NicoAndTheNiners · 31/03/2019 09:44

Well it certainly sounds like he's prioritising her over you.

But trying to see it from his point of view if I had a male friend and there was nothing going on but dh said he didn't want me to see my friend anymore I'd be upset and annoyed.

Yogagirl123 · 31/03/2019 09:52

Very naive and complacent view tbh OP.

Graphista · 31/03/2019 09:55

"He said he thinks I’m being unfair" no he is! He is being unfair to YOUR relationship. He should be prioritising YOUR relationship

"that she has no one else to talk to about her relationship problems" bullshit! Extremely unlikely unless she's in a genuinely abusive relationship in which case messing about with another man is not advisable.

"he can’t just abandon her" but he can abandon you and your marriage?

"I said he needed to think really carefully about where his loyalty lies" you were absolutely right.

"he’s stormed out" you need to know where he's gone and who he talked to. Outrageous behaviour from him.

"this has gone further than hes letting on. At the very least its emotional affair now. Make sure you ok financially. Be careful how you tread" I agree.

He needs to choose now.

And I agree you need to protect yourself legally/financially.

aprarl · 31/03/2019 10:34

Yep from now on assume he's gone.

Sorry OP, it's horrible Thanks

LoisWilkerson1 · 31/03/2019 10:36

I've had a couple of male friends for over 20 years, we never talk or moan about our relationships. It's just not on. It's stepping into ea territory having intimate discussions imho. I talk to my dh about our relationship, it's our business.

Wantmyflipflops · 31/03/2019 10:50

Yes definitely what @LoisWilkerson1 said

MzHz · 31/03/2019 10:55

I agree that this isn’t encouraging at all.

He isn’t a counsellor and she absolutely will have other people to talk to, but is Choosing your husband

The smart husband would say “I’m sorry you’re having problems with your relationship, but I’m not qualified to give anyone advice, I think you should talk to him about how you feel and look into going to counselling together (as long as abuse isn’t present)”

He HAS to see that this isn’t a straight forward chit chat about life in general, this is potentially muddy water he’s stepping into, and that he absolutely does need to take a step back from being a strong shoulder for her.

swimrunfun · 31/03/2019 11:03

So sorry. I know what you're going through so big hugs.

Stay strong physically - eat well, try to sleep well and get out into the fresh air and walk.

Stay strong emotionally.

Brace yourself for some choppy times. You sound intelligent, emotionally stable and reasonable. You can get through this whichever way it turns.

ukgift2016 · 31/03/2019 11:04

Ah sorry OP. His reaction is not a good sign.

If he is putting her above your marriage, that says everything.

You can't mend your relationship if she's still around. Simple as that.

Loopytiles · 31/03/2019 12:16

Suggest giving him a copy of “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass and asking him to choose between this “friendship” and your marriage.

Original poster
PinaColada66 · 31/03/2019 12:30

We spoke again this morning. He’s not prepared to give up his friendship because he says he’s done nothing wrong. He assures me that it’s a platonic friendship and he said he would never ask me to give up a friend of mine. I see his point. I think I’m just going to keep an eye on things. I can’t see what else I can do without appearing jealous and unreasonable. I love him and don’t want him to resent me or see her in secret.

OP posts:
AgathaF · 31/03/2019 12:30

His primary concern should be your feelings and happiness, not hers.

Original poster
PinaColada66 · 31/03/2019 12:31

I haven’t had the opportunity to look at his phone as he always has it with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinaColada66 · 31/03/2019 12:33

I think he is prioritising me but he doesn’t want to give up friendships that are important to him and I understand that.

OP posts:
Bibijayne · 31/03/2019 12:37

OP, he is gaslighting you. He is not being reasonable in continuing this relationship with this lady in its current form.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 31/03/2019 12:39

Very decent man my arse... he is okay for you to be upset because is his right to have platonic friendships?

So as long as he doesn’t consumate his love for her you just need to shut up and put up with it? Is he also that dominant on other things?

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 31/03/2019 12:41

Ps. The true meaning of platonic is where all the love and infatuation is there but... no touching is allowed.

ukgift2016 · 31/03/2019 12:42

Oh OP... So many red flags.

I haven’t had the opportunity to look at his phone as he always has it with him.

Boom!

He’s not prepared to give up his friendship because he says he’s done nothing wrong.

Boom!

I see where OP will be in a few months time.

My husband has left me for his best female friend

FizzyGreenWater · 31/03/2019 12:47

The storming out is another massive red flag.

He left so that he could call her. And clean his phone, in case your next step was to ask to see it.

You are going to have to sit tight and keep a very close eye on exactly where he is plus trying to get a look at the phone.

He's not a good man. He's tryign to tie you up in knots about this but the bottom line is he's putting a dodgy friendship above your marriage.

PerpendicularVincent · 31/03/2019 12:47

He isn't prioritising you OP, he's prioritising his new friend.

Ultimately, you have to decide whether you can accept the risk he'll have an affair, because that sounds like the way it's going. I couldn't.

scottishlass123 · 31/03/2019 12:52

Have you ever asked him to give up a friendship that was making you uncomfortable and worry before? If the answer is no, then he is being unreasonable. You need to make it clear than you don't feel the friendship is appropriate and as his wife he needs to priorities you above all else. If she is really a good honest friend of his, then she will understand when he tells her that they can no longer be friends because their friendship is causing problems in his marriage. An honest friend would not argue with that. You need to make it clear to your husband that he is prioriting this friendship above the stress it is causing you. As long as he is going to be in a close friendship with her you are always going to be upset about it. You have a valid reason to be upset, you are not controlling if this is the first time this has happened. Sometimes we need to fight for our marriage and I think now is one of those times. Good luck xx

oldowlgirl · 31/03/2019 12:59

Oh Op, it's out of order that he's prioritising that friendship over your feelings - that says more than enough. I'm so sorry.