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Original poster

To think my marriage is affair proof?

538 replies

PinaColada66 · 28/03/2019 22:55

My DH is a lovely, lovely man. He believes passionately that family is important and the centre of everything and he’s very anti cheating.

However, he has a relatively new female friend who he’s clearly very taken with. They get along like a house on fire and if he was single I think he would definitely want to be with her. I’ve met her several times and she’s very nice. I see why he likes her so much.

So my question is, because I know how strongly he feels about ‘family’, can I feel safe that he’s not going to cheat on me with her?? Is any man affair proof? What can I do to keep our marriage ‘safe’?

OP posts:
Numptysod · 30/03/2019 21:55

My friend was very homophobic bloke, and then I find out, he was with a bloke, though married with 3 kids!

MyOtherProfile · 30/03/2019 21:58

Suggest you support her together. If genuinely she is low because of relationship troubles invite her to dinner so you can both offer her support together. Go back to your dh and say fair enough, poor woman, of course he must support her and so will you so let's have her over. That way it's all open and she gets to see you and your dh as a team too.

Nearlythere1 · 30/03/2019 22:04

@MyOtherProfile I'm sorry but that's horrendous advice. Not only are they past that point obviously, you're asking her to indulge something she is uncomfortable with. And as others have pointed out, she might not like what she sees. The wheels are in motion now. OP doesn't want her husband around her, so it's up to him whether he honours that or not.

MyOtherProfile · 30/03/2019 22:10

Wouldn't it be interesting to see his reaction to that though? His response to her suggestion would really make things clear.

Nearlythere1 · 30/03/2019 22:14

Well yes I see where you'r coming from but I still think it's past that point. He's already stormed out on her for telling him how she feels. I don't know what more reaction is needed. It's up to OP though, I may be wrong, and I can see your point.

Original poster
PinaColada66 · 30/03/2019 22:41

We have already been to each other’s homes because she’s his friend. However I haven’t met her husband and she rarely discusses him in front of me.

My husband came back after about 20 minutes and went straight to bed.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 30/03/2019 22:46

OP, they're having an affair and he's trying to make it "normal" and you "unreasonable" for objecting. As I said upthread, I've been there with that sort of fuckwittery and am now divorced. I'd get your ducks in a row and give him an ultimatum...it's her or you. You CAN take control of this situation but he's not being honest with you I'm afraid...

Mollie3 · 30/03/2019 22:57

Get on his phone and see what he’s been texting her and when he’s been calling her (NB he might have her saved under a mans name). If he’s locked it pick it up and ask for the code. If he gets defensive and/or won’t let you in his phone then that speaks for itself. At this point personally I would majorly kick off he needs to know he cannot and will not be allowed to go sniffing round another woman on your watch. Ummmm hummmmm.

poglets · 30/03/2019 23:01

Not the time to be complacent. Always keep an eye. Even if it's not your husband behavior, there are often people who come along and want what you have.

DemelzaPoldarksshinerrefiner · 30/03/2019 23:14

If you chose to go on his phone you should check out the recently deleted file and hope he isn’t very bright - twenty minutes is long enough to sanitise the comms. trail and call her too !

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 30/03/2019 23:15

No doubt he called her while he was out

Sorry OP this is utterly shit Thanks

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 30/03/2019 23:27

Don’t let him make it about you. Fancy that, storming out pretending to be offended when called on it and going to bed sulking as if you were the one who caused this mess! Bastard.

Nearlythere1 · 30/03/2019 23:43

Agree with comment above, a classic move to turn it around on you. Don't fall for it OP. We're all here with you! Listen to the wisdom of all these ladies! x

RomanyQueen1 · 31/03/2019 00:00

I'd wake the fucker up and tell him to sort this shit out now or he is out, I'd have to have it out now and the truth.
He can't face you, what a yellow belly.

oldowlgirl · 31/03/2019 00:09

On Op, that's not good - really feel for you. Good luck & stay strong Thanks

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 31/03/2019 00:27

she has no one else to talk to about her relationship problems because all of her friends are common to her and her husband and he can’t just abandon her

awww diddums

so it’s ok to rip your feelings to shreds instead then?

regardless of whether he has actually shagged her or not this is a budding EA.

It has all the hallmarks.

Sometimes “white knights” just live for the attention of their doe eyed wenches and that’s enough, some of these end up being affairs.

EITHER is a transgression and shows a total lack of respect.

Rufftumbles · 31/03/2019 02:12

OP, my ex did this with a work colleague- it was all very similar. They were close and he was ‘helping’ her with her relationship issues. I felt really uneasy about it all, there was just something niggling in my gut that he felt more for her than friendship. When asked and gently reminded that he was in a relationship with me, he was very reassuring. Laid it on thick that it was all friendship, he felt sorry for her, wanted to help her etc.

After about 2/3 months where he’d talk quite a lot about her/her relationship issues with me at home, I found emails he’d sent her in work, making out that OUR relationship was rocky, I didn’t ‘understand’ him, if only he had someone like her etc

I was devastated but it was the proof I needed. When I read them out to him in the cold light of day, he realised how bad he’d let things get, how he had become infatuated with her and was using ‘helping’ as an excuse. He had genuinely convinced himself that what he was doing/the way he was feeling was fine and not a betrayal to me. She actually wasn’t interested in him but I know that was the only thing stopping it becoming an affair. That’s why I had to leave.

Your DH needs to own up to his feelings now and work on his marriage with you before this escalates further.

HotChocLit · 31/03/2019 02:32

No marriage is affair proof

RockinHippy · 31/03/2019 02:38

she has no one else to talk to about her relationship problems because all of her friends are common to her and her husband and he can’t just abandon her

Bring this up with him again OP, but follow it up by asking him who are YOU meant to talk to about YOUR relationship problems

He's being very unfair, make sure he understands that his emotional affair is destroying YOUR marriage. Don't take any manipulative shit from him

Much strength to you 💐

Gruzinkerbell1 · 31/03/2019 05:14

Perhaps suggest that she talks to her own husband about the problems in their relationship?

They’re in emotional affair territory OP, it’s why your husband has responded so badly to being told that you’re uncomfortable and want it to stop.

BitOfFun · 31/03/2019 05:41

He's obviously got a cob on, so it's looming much larger than it should if she were simply a colleague. The "Trevor from Accounts" observation is spot on.

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 31/03/2019 07:57

Is your husband a trained counsellor? Why him? Why is he the only one who can help?

If she is an attractive, good, nice person... then she probably has a lot of friends.

Why is he so crucial?

SlaaartyBaaardFaaast · 31/03/2019 08:10

I echo @WendyCope.

swingofthings · 31/03/2019 08:44

This is why talking to him was never going to have a good outcome. You are now more suspicious than ever, already worked out that he definitely is up to know good emotionally and showing yourself to be insecure and demanding. This is going to have the exact opposite affect to what you were hoping for.

I expect that he does have some form of infatuation for her and he was probably not even fully aware of it. She clearly doesn't so it is a friendship. He probably is relieved that she has is not attracted to her at all because that puts a line between them that won't have to be crossed.

However now that you brought it up, he is likely to question more his feelings, he annoyed with you for checking on him and not trusting him. He will take your demand to stop talking to her as an invasion to his freedom and find it very unfair since he was doing nothing wrong and that will make him feel justified to continue and lie to you about it. That will make you even more suspicious and most likely he'll stsrt confiding your issues with her when it was only one directional before.

It is horrible to be in this situation, so I really feel for you, but you imposing a no contact is only going to put him on the defensive. It is a dreadful realisation but if he was to overstep the mark and get involved with her, it would happen whether you are oblivious of any of it or you are watching him as a hawk. The decision not to step over the line needs to come from him because HE realises that he is moving into dangerous waters.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 31/03/2019 08:47

I disagree

They are married, a partnership. Why shouldn't OP express her concerns about this to her husband?