To think my marriage is affair proof?

[PinaColada66]

My DH is a lovely, lovely man. He believes passionately that family is important and the centre of everything and he’s very anti cheating.

However, he has a relatively new female friend who he’s clearly very taken with. They get along like a house on fire and if he was single I think he would definitely want to be with her. I’ve met her several times and she’s very nice. I see why he likes her so much.

So my question is, because I know how strongly he feels about ‘family’, can I feel safe that he’s not going to cheat on me with her?? Is any man affair proof? What can I do to keep our marriage ‘safe’?

Agree with so many posters.

Men can be depressing. The ones who love to feel needed yet cannot put their wives' needs above a female friends. They love to 'help' others who happen to be pretty young women whom their wives justifiably feel uneasy about. It's never a toothless old woman. Or, disaffected young men who may need a positive male role model. No, sirree. Got to be the hot young totty who is having relationship troubles and is absolutely helpless without him and needs to be having cosy chats with them. One wonders how she ever got through her life before meeting the dh in this case, given it's a recent friendship.

People confiding in each other about their relationship problems = classic.

That's so true @alaric77
Point out to him op that actually you two are having relationship problems, and maybe you should go confide in another man, since that's how you roll these days.

If I had a pound for every time someone said “I can’t believe XH cheated on you” or “I didn’t think he was the type”.

They’re all the type. Sorry

Lol @ Trevor from accounts. No knight in shining armour wants to help 'support' that poor sod.

Or when they do want to help and support Trevor from accounts, the standard approach is to get a bunch of mates/ colleagues together to drag him out on a night out to cheer him up, not this solitary exchange of confidences.

His, and probably her idea of him as so family centric make it worse in a way given she is having relationship problems. It naturally leads to the whole “If only there were more men around like you...” thing, which makes DH think he is a prince among men, and that he has the power to make her dreams come true.

I’d give it a couple of days and then ask him to cut down on contact with her because you are not comfortable. See how that goes down.

I hope it’s not what you’re thinking OP, but if your gut is telling you something is off keep an eye on things xxx

Thank you all for your replies. I’m in the bathroom shaking. I brought the friendship up again during tea and DH got annoyed. I said I felt uncomfortable about it and I’d prefer him to stop seeing her. He said he thinks I’m being unfair, that she has no one else to talk to about her relationship problems because all of her friends are common to her and her husband and he can’t just abandon her. I said he needed to think really carefully about where his loyalty lies and he’s stormed out.

OP you poor thing, this is horrible. Despite your gentle words he's choosing his side, and choosing someone outside of your marriage.

Just go easy on yourself for a day or two, you don't need to make rash decisions or put things in place. Sleep on it and think through how you feel, and what you want to do next.

Op...this has gone further than hes letting on. At the very least its emotional affair now. Make sure you ok financially. Be careful how you tread x

dementedma with all due respect, your situation sounds extreme. Having your own phone and bank account is a normal part of being an adult human being. You cannot compare your husband to the OP.

I'm sorry OP. Maybe it would be best to not bring it up with him, but try and be secretive and carry out some detective work, not right now as he will be on high alert, but if you don't mention this other woman for a while he might ease up and you can check his phone if possible

The comment your husband made (a few pages ago) about "she wouldn't find me attractive anyway" is such a bizarre phrase to use. The only time I have used that phrase is when I fancy someone but I don't think they fancy me back, such a strange way of reassuring someone. I may be reading into it too much but that sentence alone would be sending alarm bells ringing

Sorry to hear OP x

Sorry OP. What a horrible situation. Your h has shown his true colours. It's not what they say it's what they do, hes not been loyal to you.

Hope you can find happiness without him

Oh bloody hell. I'm sorry lass.

The only nugget to possibly hold onto is that he doesn't deal well with his own emotions and the effect he has on others.

I hope against hope that I'm not just being the eternal optimist.

I’m really sorry OP, now this is the survival game where you can choose to pack his things and kick him out or you try to calmly talk to him about the possibility of saving his marriage. Whatever you do, don’t do the “pick me” dance because it is very likely that the OW is not that interested in leaving her troubled relationship, so don’t give him the confidence to think you will be there when he comes back.

But first things first, find someone in real life you can trust. You need real life support. Forget about checking the phone, start making copies of important documents from the bank accounts to the mortgage. If you can, take note of his NI number (best way to pin them down when it comes to child maintenance).

He can't or won't abandon her......this is serious, so sorry OP.

You need to do some digging.

Sorry he’s such a shit, OP. Nothing else to be said there.

If it was me, I would lock and bolt the door and take myself to bed with a bottle of wine. Just do whatever you need to for tonight.

Already an affair imo.

Ah crap, I'm sorry man.

So he's quite enjoying being the night in shining armour is he? Tell him to stay out while you have a think about your future.

I think I'm probably old school but I really do that there are certain things that should be kept between partners and, not just the sexual side of a relationship but the emotional side as well. I think that the reason friendships like this are a slippery slope is because once you start talking about your personal problems then you become vulnerable with each other. I also think this woman knows what she is doing. I would never dream of calling a married man to discuss my issues. I would be careful of her....

Definitely an EA, at least. Your request was reasonable, indeed he should stop contact completely.

The “why not Trevor from accounts” line is so true.

Oh you poor thing. If you haven’t already I think it’s time to check his phone, either with his permission or without. In your shoes I’d be having a look ASAP before he deletes anything he wouldn’t want you to read.
(I’ve been through similar. Be strong, you will get through this).