Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 11 12 13 ··· 21 22

Original poster

To think my marriage is affair proof?

538 replies

PinaColada66 · 28/03/2019 22:55

My DH is a lovely, lovely man. He believes passionately that family is important and the centre of everything and he’s very anti cheating.

However, he has a relatively new female friend who he’s clearly very taken with. They get along like a house on fire and if he was single I think he would definitely want to be with her. I’ve met her several times and she’s very nice. I see why he likes her so much.

So my question is, because I know how strongly he feels about ‘family’, can I feel safe that he’s not going to cheat on me with her?? Is any man affair proof? What can I do to keep our marriage ‘safe’?

OP posts:

S021 · 30/03/2019 07:45

🚩
🚩
🚩

S021 · 30/03/2019 07:48

My DH always said he would never cheat because apart from letting me and the DCd down, he would be letting himself down.

Guess what?

Yes, and it made him miserable and it’s irrelevant whether I will ever forgive him because he will never forgive himself.

Amongstthetallgrass · 30/03/2019 07:50

I wouldn’t be happy with his response either!

Bloody hell it sounds like if you wasn’t around they would take it further. But they are both so honourable they are stopping themselves and just sticking to ‘friends’

Either this isn’t real or he is a proper piss take.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 30/03/2019 07:57

My husband is the kind of man who likes to help people and I get the impression she has been asking for his advice and opinion on her problems. I think he likes to be needed.

You are being incredibly naive. They are compatible and attracted to each other, and they have a situation where she feels extremely supported by him and he feels needed and able to protect her.... and he will get even more protective because by calling him on that (which honestly you needed to, now you know where you stand) he has now another dragon to fight, now in his house, to protect what they have.

If they are not sleeping together already, I’ll give it a few weeks. Op, no woman talks of the problems in her relationship to a man unless they are extremely close.

swimrunfun · 30/03/2019 08:00

Dear OP, if your DH is a good man, surely he wouldn't see her in secret if you asked him not to see her again? If you think he'll do that in secret, he has the potential to do a lot more in secret.

I rolled my eyes when I read that he's been helping her with her relationship problems. If he had been helping her with selling an old car then the closeness is still bad but to be helping her with her relationship, well the see saw has tipped even more into her favour.

A PP said you're on page 1, he's on page 5. Totally agree. Almost funny if there wasn't a marriage at stake here.

Please wake up and do something more assertive before it's too late.

I care passionately because I was totally like you - naive. I thought XH was a good and honourable man and would never have an affair.

RoboticSealpup · 30/03/2019 08:11

they would never let their friendship become anything more

This rings a massive alarm bell. I would never use words like this to describe my relationship with the one male friend I have, simply because there is no attraction at all (at least not on my side, which is all I can comment on) and therefore no potential for the friendship to become anything else, ever. If there were potential for feelings to develop, and the only thing stopping it from becoming something "more" was my own high morals, I would not most certainly not continue the friendship. I don't think it's ok to hang out with people you're attracted to when you're married, and especially not getting emotionally intimate and discussing relationship issues.

This looks rather bad. I'm very sorry you're going through this.

FookMeFookYou · 30/03/2019 08:15

He says she’s a good person (as is he) and they would never let their friendship become anything more.

He has said 'they' wouldn't let their friendship become anything more?!! It sounds like 'they' are the couple and have discussed this prospect between them - following a kiss? Or maybe more!

He wants to help her with her relationship problem(s)... at the expense of creating problems in his own. Bullshit. It's not usual for a man to get involved in another persons relationship issues OP.

Your (D)H may portray himself as an honourable man but I'd say he's already checked out to a degree for the fact he's even entertaining this. There is already an emotional attachment there for the fact he's getting defensive.

You must have discussed boundaries at some point in your relationship - is he crossing any of these? Well there's your starting point for some hard truths.

He can have friends and you wouldn't feel threatened. This one makes you feel threatened and there a reason for that. Don't ignore your instincts

profumoaffair · 30/03/2019 08:27

I agree with others op, time for an ultimatum

Dimsumlosesum · 30/03/2019 08:31

He says she’s a good person (as is he) and they would never let their friendship become anything more

Stupendously loud alarm bells. I have close male friends, and the both of us would never use words like that. It would be something like a loud laugh followed by ew, never. But it's really weird that he's phrased it like that.

My husband is the kind of man who likes to help people and I get the impression she has been asking for his advice and opinion on her problems. I think he likes to be needed

Yeah, this is how the ego stroking love starts (as in, after the affair is discovered, the men say "oh, I don't know how it happened! I don't know why I did what I did!", and it's like, ha! Of course you know. You got your ego stroked, loved the attention and feeling "needed", and things progressed from there where you were too cowardly to stop it/say no).

Your DH is loving, LOVING, the attention.

Morgan12 · 30/03/2019 08:36

I hope you have managed to get a look at his phone now. Will be I interesting to see if anything is deleted.

Bottom line here is that you don't like this friendship, have told him, and he is putting this woman's needs before yours. He should end the friendship. It's that simple.

MajesticWhine · 30/03/2019 08:42

No marriage is affair proof. I used to think DH would never cheat. He would always wince at the idea of people being unfaithful, eg on tv. Part of his OCD I think, but he still managed to cheat.
Back to the OP - you are right to be on your guard about this I'm afraid. Trust your instincts.

HarrySnotter · 30/03/2019 08:48

Bottom line here is that you don't like this friendship, have told him, and he is putting this woman's needs before yours. He should end the friendship. It's that simple.

Absolutely.

RubyRoseViolet · 30/03/2019 08:54

I feel for you. It’s a difficult situation and you’re trying not to over react. On the basis of everything you’ve said now I would suggest that he’s struggling with this a bit whether he admits that to you or not. I suspect he has feelings for her and is becoming embroiled but is convincing himself he can remain platonic. I think I would actually name this, tell him you believe he is actually attracted to her and is tempted to stray and that you are unhappy with him continuing in the friendship because you feel it is threatening to your marriage.

firefirefire · 30/03/2019 08:55

Massive red flags.

Ellapaella · 30/03/2019 08:56

The thing is there's no point 'keeping a close eye' on things, if someone is going to cheat then they're going to cheat aren't they? Regardless of whether their partner is suspicious or not. You either have to trust someone or you don't, you'd drive yourself mad otherwise. If you trust them and they let you down then that's awful but I don't personally see what you could do to prevent it - other than make sure your marriage is strong and happy which it sounds like it is.

Triglesoffy · 30/03/2019 09:01

The fact that he was irritated is a massive red flag. He should have been upset that he’d upset you.

Floralhousecoat · 30/03/2019 09:07

It's very worrying that he said 'they' wouldn't let it get to that stage. Not that he didn't fancy her, there was no attraction on either side, or he felt nothing for her except as a friend.

He does fancy her op.

You really need to stop being passive. This isn't about stopping your dh from cheating. You can't stop that. It's about standing up for yourself and demanding respect from him. Tell him plainly you know what's going on and you will not be treated like a fool. Then leave him with that. Let him think on that.

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 30/03/2019 09:30

This thread makes me feel really sad.
We can all see it coming 😞

The difficulty of dealing with this now more assertively is nothing compared to what you have ahead of you don’t.

I would be telling him categorically that you will not remain passive while he puts his friendship with another woman before your feelings.

If he still doesn’t take you seriously I’d tell him that you want to start making plans to separate.

Tachy · 30/03/2019 10:43

I'm usually the type to say men and women can be friends but there's a lot of red flags here op!

If he has got feelings for her and is continuing to see her isn't that just as bad? 'She's having relationship problems' or 'I'm just helping her, she's having a hard time' is the most common excuse I've heard of in my real life for an affair. Also, you saying that you wouldn't ask him not to see her as he'd sneak around behind your back anyway is a MASSIVE red flag.

If my DP said my friendship with someone was worrying him I would cool the friendship, he's not usually jealous and there would be a reason that he felt uncomfortable. Your DH should feel like that too.

Purplejay · 30/03/2019 10:48

My husband said when we had our son, you must never leave me now we have our son. I had no intention. His recent affair ended our marriage. Our son is 12. Never say never.

Graphista · 30/03/2019 11:09

"He said that he feels sorry for her" not necessarily a good thing, some men love to be a rescuer. How did you guys get together?

"(she’s having relationship problems). " red flag, her relationships already apparently in bother and she confides in another man rather than a girl friend?

"He reassured me that he only thinks of her as a friend and he doesn’t think she’s attracted to him." Does that mean he's not attracted to her? I'm not convinced

"and they would never let their friendship become anything more" did he say exactly how he would guard against this? Did you discuss emotional affairs?

Her relationship problems her NEEDS don't trump yours! He hasn't DONE anything to reassure you at all, words are cheap, that's why you're still feeling uneasy.

If he REALLY wanted to reassure you he would have immediately offered to pull back on this friendship.

At this point I agree with pps he needs to show his commitment to YOU by prioritising your relationship and letting this friendship go. If he resists that I'd be seriously concerned and outright day he needs to choose.

chaosisaladder · 30/03/2019 11:16

Men depress me. This whole thread depresses me.

LoisWilkerson1 · 30/03/2019 11:19

Yes It's never Trevor from accounts they want to 'help and support' is it? Sorry, but red flags all over the place op.

CarolDanvers · 30/03/2019 11:19

Marriage depresses me. It so rarely seems to work to both peoples benefit and so often no neither seems to enjoy being in it because of the behaviour of one or both participants.

CarolDanvers · 30/03/2019 11:21

Yes It's never Trevor from accounts they want to 'help and support' is it?

Such a simple yet such an excellent observation.

Flip

1 2 ··· 11 12 13 ··· 21 22

Swipe left for the next trending thread