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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my marriage is affair proof?

538 replies

PinaColada66 · 28/03/2019 22:55

My DH is a lovely, lovely man. He believes passionately that family is important and the centre of everything and he’s very anti cheating.

However, he has a relatively new female friend who he’s clearly very taken with. They get along like a house on fire and if he was single I think he would definitely want to be with her. I’ve met her several times and she’s very nice. I see why he likes her so much.

So my question is, because I know how strongly he feels about ‘family’, can I feel safe that he’s not going to cheat on me with her?? Is any man affair proof? What can I do to keep our marriage ‘safe’?

OP posts:
Floralhousecoat · 29/03/2019 22:46

He's prioritising her and her emotional needs over you and yours. It's unacceptable in a marriage. It's already crossing a line, even if it's not quite infidelity.

SurgeHopper · 29/03/2019 22:46

My husband is the kind of man who likes to help people and I get the impression she has been asking for his advice and opinion on her problems. I think he likes to be needed.

^

Yes, we know all that.

How about some young immigrant disaffected males?

Oh no, sorry, gotta be some hot young totty

lizzie1970a · 29/03/2019 22:50

A relatively new friend yet she's already leaning on him for relationship advice and he's enjoying that. She's presumably got female friends to talk about relationship problems with. Big red flag right there. A relatively new friendship has already crossed into talking about private/intimate things. He's taking you for a mug, nice person that you say he is or not, or he's completely naive. You're fears haven't been alleviated at all. He might not be planning anything but he's really skating on thin ice.

Singletomingle · 29/03/2019 22:51

I think an emotional affair is fairly easy to fall into accidentally. However a physical affair is different and some people simply wouldn't whatever the situation.

YemenRoadYemen · 29/03/2019 22:54

The knight in shining armour, helping out the damsel in distress (who bizarrely never seems to have any old/good friends of her own to talk to 🙄) is the complete script for how these things start.

I'd be worried now.

lizzie1970a · 29/03/2019 22:55

I've had male friends at work before. You know the ones that are interested in you that way, whether they're married or not, so I tend to keep things light and keep them at arm's length. If I fancied them and they're married I'd keep them at arm's length as they're married and it's inappropriate. I wouldn't like it so wouldn't do it to another woman. If I got to the stage of pouring out my personal relationship problems to a married man and he was spending the time listening I'd be thinking he fancies me. It's completely inappropriate. If it was above board she should have befriended you too. Then if she discussed her problems with both of you it's fine. He's playing with fire. You might think he's a decent person but he's enjoying the attention and yes I think he probably does fancy her and right now he's prioritising her feelings over yours.

EmeraldShamrock · 29/03/2019 23:05

Like a pp said it is very easy to fall into an EA, especially if he is kind, it is not always obvious, the telling part is if or when she makes a move, at this point I hope he can walk away from her to save his marriage.

lottiegarbanzo · 29/03/2019 23:14

His belief in himself as a good person is intrinsic, not contingent. He is a good person, whatever he does. Therefore, anything he does is right and good.

So I think you'll find that he is doing the right thing here and, as pp said way back, if that leads to him finding himself more attached emotionally to her than to you and, even if that relationship turns to the physical, all this will still be right and good and your lack of understanding will make you the bad one.

originallyfromLA · 29/03/2019 23:15

The way he said "We would never let the friendship become anything more." implies that there is more to have....

lottiegarbanzo · 29/03/2019 23:18

Did he use 'we'? He said 'they would never let their friendship...' Was that conveyed as a mutual decision or shared perspective? Rather than solely his own position, as an individual?

Is there a 'we'?

PetsFactor · 29/03/2019 23:19

All I see is white knight syndrome here.

Tenpercentgenius · 30/03/2019 00:08

OP I haven't RTFT, just your (minimal) responses, but this just sounds wrong.

IME none of the men I've had long term relationships with, including my DH, have ever felt the need to have a close friendship with another women. Maybe some had affairs, but I had no idea if they did, or even reason to suspect them.

I think you need to shut this down, and soon. You deserve to be treated much, much better.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 30/03/2019 00:24

Classic White Knight Syndrome

Monday55 · 30/03/2019 00:33

If Your DH is against cheating he can still ask for a divorce before escalating things with this woman (which then you cant label him as a cheater).
He can then marry this woman 1 year down the line then she'll be his new family whom he values like you said in your 1st post..and he will tell her the exact same nonsense he's telling you now.

You're somewhat naive to a degree OP.

Rumbletum2 · 30/03/2019 00:38

Watch him.

Loulzze · 30/03/2019 00:53

For all I've just said, your update is unfair. Time for dh to decide who he wants to prioritise, his wife or a friend.

Preggosaurus9 · 30/03/2019 00:58

You were given the answer on page 1 OP.

Yet here we are on page 11 and you still haven't outright told your DH to end this inappropriate "friendship" or you're out.

Why won't you act? Come on, what do you think is going to happen?

minty80 · 30/03/2019 01:06

She's concerned he'll see her in secret. If I truly thought my dh would put a friendship with another woman over my feelings and comfort, it would be the end for me. I'm sorry this is happening op.

myhamsteratefreddiestarr · 30/03/2019 01:16

My XH had, at the very least, an emotional affair, all the things you’re describing. Lots of secret contact, giving her support, putting each other on pedestals. He denied it of course but left us with no warning, rewrote history, became the person who understood her more than her H did. (His best mate). Before that, he was the last person in the world I ever thought would leave his family.

They’re married now.

Be very concerned OP. This isn’t just friendship I’m sorry to say.

KellyW88 · 30/03/2019 03:45

Whilst I’d love to believe my relationship is “affair proof” I can’t as I follow the “don’t take anything for granted” way of thinking. I’d also feel uncomfortable in your situation.

The closest I’ve been was when DH and I were in the second year of our relationship and he had a female friend who he had known about six months longer than he had me but suddenly wanted to see him more often. I grew suspicious of her intentions after playing it cool for a while because I didn’t want to overreact like an idiot and cause damage to our relationship. He was horrified when I questioned him and a little bit pissed off that I thought he’d cheat on me, I know it sounds daft but his reaction was so honestly hurt I realised I may not trust the woman’s intentions - but I trusted him. I explained my feelings a little better afterwards and he said he wasn’t willing to lose a friend - but from now on I was always welcome to join them whenever I wanted. I did and now I feel ridiculous about how I misinterpreted the situation (turned out she had actually recently met a guy she really liked but as English is not her first language was incredibly shy about pursuing it so wanted DH’s advice as a Male as well as friend) - but there’s still a bit of that worry in the back of my mind, I think that’s primal haha

Sorry for the diatribe but I just wanted to say not all men are dogs, luckily though I misstepped in my approach I’m glad I questioned him honestly. We’ve been stronger since the discussions that followed and grew as a couple, not saying all endings are good either, but at least you’ll know?

lostinspats · 30/03/2019 04:33

OP, I'll tell you what's clear to me but not to you right now - he is on page 5 whilst you are still on page 1.
What he is telling you is the tip of the iceberg.
Your marriage is not what you thought it was and you need to rethink everything you thought you knew about it.

So many of us have been there, please listen to our experience. Although you are still in denial you really must decide what you want and on your plan to achieve it. Forget that he's a 'good man'. Good men, ones what are actually good, don't shit on their own doorstep, do they?

IIWM I would get him alone, no phones or interruptions, tell him his affair (which is what it is fundamentally, even if it is in it's infancy) is a deal breaker for you. If he won't sever contact with her, a reasonable request under the circumstances, and stop the lifesaving a female behaviour generally, he will be going forward alone. You have every right to ask this, to hell with cool.

Ihatehashtags · 30/03/2019 04:40

“They” would never let it become anything more?!!!! Huge red flags. I think they’ve already acknowledged their attraction for each other. It’s only a matter of time. I’m not surprised you don’t feel reassured. I wouldn’t either.

Angrybird123 · 30/03/2019 07:29

I said this already, several pages ago but that is word for word what my ex said about his ow. And actually its true that she is a total flake, can't cope on her own and needs him way more than I did / do. A few years down the line I am a knackered and frantic single working mum but I do cope. OP the fact that he was irritated rather than apologetic to have caused you grief is worrying. I think give it a few days, tell him you've thought about what he said but you are still unhappy and really as his wife he should be prioritising that rather than a new friend who can go elsewhere for support.

swimrunfun · 30/03/2019 07:38

I thought my XH would never cheat. All my friends and family thought that too.

My XH is very studious, hard working, quiet, insular and was very committed to me. We had 2 children, both have health problems. My attention was totally consumed with the DC. We started to live like siblings. He was working away from home, met someone and now he's XH and not DH.

Circumstances change. People change. Good luck.

sodonesooverit · 30/03/2019 07:42

Sorry OP, but he's pretty much given you the textbook Mumsnet response of a cheater.