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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my marriage is affair proof?

538 replies

PinaColada66 · 28/03/2019 22:55

My DH is a lovely, lovely man. He believes passionately that family is important and the centre of everything and he’s very anti cheating.

However, he has a relatively new female friend who he’s clearly very taken with. They get along like a house on fire and if he was single I think he would definitely want to be with her. I’ve met her several times and she’s very nice. I see why he likes her so much.

So my question is, because I know how strongly he feels about ‘family’, can I feel safe that he’s not going to cheat on me with her?? Is any man affair proof? What can I do to keep our marriage ‘safe’?

OP posts:
Vole3 · 29/03/2019 15:47

All too familiar orange cookie.........

Orangecookie · 29/03/2019 15:49

@vole it’s so sad really though isn’t it. Poor OP, I hope it doesn’t come to that. It’s why I’m always flummoxed when posters say they are just being controlling - when those of us who have been through it’s like watching a crash movie in slow motion. I want to scream to your DH OP stop!

Nearlythere1 · 29/03/2019 16:12

OP, the people advising you to invite her round for dinner are nuts. Why put yourself through that. If they are set on each other then that will just make it hurt more and you'll feel even more betrayed. The woman might even get a thrill out of it if she is that way inclined. Remember elizabeth winstead famously sat and had dinner with ewan mcgregor and his wife and kids before they ran off together.

HandsOffMyRights · 29/03/2019 16:16

OP you are being naive.

Once upon a time my parter befriended his sister's friend. I encouraged them to be friends. It ended badly for me.

I was naive.

randomchap · 29/03/2019 16:41

I thought my marriage was affair proof, but my late wife had an affair. She had come from a family that had been split up due to her dad having numerous affairs and I thought that her experience as a child and how she hated liars and cheats would make her never cheat.

She did have one though, not a long affair, and ended it herself. We worked hard at fixing the problems within the marriage. I was tempted by a work colleague soon after finding out, but decided to fight for my marriage instead.

Essentially no marriage is affair proof, the question is can your marriage survive an affair if one occurs.

HJWT · 29/03/2019 16:47

@randomchap nope.

HomoHeinekenensis · 29/03/2019 17:08

When I was with my ex we got invited for Sunday lunch out of the blue by a couple. It was the husband that invited us and he was clearly trying to stave off his wife and my ex from having an affair.
I was totally oblivious that he was even in contact with this woman. It was couched by my ex as 'A new friend I have made has invited us for lunch on Sunday'. I assumed it was the wife that did the inviting until I got there and the obvious chemistry between my ex and this woman and the fact the husband said he had invited us made me feel physically sick. I was struggling to eat the food and not cry. It was clear they had known each other for months and months and knew loads about each other. She was in an industry way different to my ex's but she could speak the speak of his industry so she was making a real effort for him. I barely spoke the whole time I was there once I had copped on. Neither the ex or her noticed either me or her DH it was fucking sickening. I went quiet as I was dealing with a difficult problem outside of the relationship and couldn't cope with both things and had to give the other thing priority (think v sick relative). A month later the ex came home and said he had had a bust up with her husband. I knew there was at least an EA but I couldn't deal with it.
A year later we got invited to another couple randomly, again for Sunday lunch. Honest to God the scenario was identical but I was in a better place emotionally and I was done. He was checked out but wasn't going to leave without someone to go to.
What I am trying to say is invite her but you might not like what you see.
My ex left and moved in with the second OW and her DH left when this happened. He is not with her now. I don't give a tinkers cuss about any of it now but I do remember their shocking display of togetherness.

Orangecookie · 29/03/2019 17:18

@homo that’s awful. Really awful. Had similar myself. I hate EAs I think more than actual affairs. It’s the horrible place of being unable to speak out properly, as ‘nothing has happened’. But of course it has, a lot has happened, the betrayal is sickeningly real.

Nearlythere1 · 29/03/2019 18:12

@homoheinekenensis I felt sick for you just reading that story, how bloody awful. That's what i mean in my comment above to OP that I wouldn't invite her to dinner. Your story illustrated why so much better than I could have. I'm glad it's all in your past!
Absolutely love your username by the way :)

DizzyPhillips · 29/03/2019 18:29

I don’t think my husband would cheat.

Only because he simply hates to be wrong 🙄 he’s never in the wrong.

HomoHeinekenensis · 29/03/2019 18:35

Orangecookie and Nearlythere1
Thanks. It was a hellish awful time and I agree. An EA is awful as they have all their little secrets and it all means so much to them doesn't it? The secrecy is partly what feeds it. Bleurrrgh!

BeardyButton · 29/03/2019 19:46

@Homo, thats just so horrible. And it seems people here know much better about the signs of an emotional affair/affair. But... If i could give my experience of an alternative. I met a man through work. I liked him straight away, and knew my oh would too. I got to know him first, then invited him for dinner. As predicted my oh enjoyed his company too. I probably exhibited signs of an affair. I mentioned him a lot, we went for coffee at work. And yet..... Nothing whatsoever going on. We (both me and oh) and this man have been friends a long time now. We are now also friends w his wive. It doesnt have to be an affair. Maybe he does just genuinely enjoy her company. I think i would have been very sad if oh had feelings of jealousy over this. And i would have felt like he was being controlling if he had tried to stop my friendship.

iolaus · 29/03/2019 20:29

There is nothing you can do to ensure he doesn;t cheat (maybe lock him in a cupboard with no windows)

But on the same note there is nothing he can do to ensure YOU don't cheat

Your relationship is based on mutual trusta nd respect - talk to the man

Original poster
PinaColada66 · 29/03/2019 21:41

So I spoke to my husband about his friend. I was honest and said that I feel a bit threatened by their friendship. He looked a bit frustrated and irritated initially but he accepted my comments. He said that he feels sorry for her and wants to help her if he can (she’s having relationship problems). He reassured me that he only thinks of her as a friend and he doesn’t think she’s attracted to him. He says she’s a good person (as is he) and they would never let their friendship become anything more.

I know that I should feel reassured but I don’t somehow. I can’t put my finger on it but I just feel uneasy about the whole thing. I didn’t forbid him to see her because I think he’ll just see her secretly and I would prefer to be there.

I’m going to try to take a look at his phone later.

OP posts:
TansyViola · 29/03/2019 21:44

He reassured me that he only thinks of her as a friend and he doesn’t think she’s attracted to him
Shouldn't he have followed this with "And I'm not attracted to her?"

TansyViola · 29/03/2019 21:45

Oh i guess he said he only thinks of her as a friend - sorry

EmeraldShamrock · 29/03/2019 22:32

I’m going to try to take a look at his phone later
He might be telling the truth, if not he will be on high alert for now.
Give it a few days, try cross paths with his friend, gauge her reaction see if you think he has discussed this with her.
If he does I think you have a big problem.

chaosisaladder · 29/03/2019 22:35

Why would her relationship problems be something he could help with?

DiscoMoo · 29/03/2019 22:42

Oh the old ‘she’s having problems and I only want to help’...

SadieSnakes · 29/03/2019 22:43

He's basically talked you into allowing him to continue his emotional affair. I'm not sure how good a man he actually is. He's either fooling himself that he can handle it or trying to fool you. Either way your marriage is at stake here.

SurgeHopper · 29/03/2019 22:43

He said that he feels sorry for her and wants to help her if he can (she’s having relationship problems).

^

Of course she is.

She needs his help, because you know, he's a knight in shining armour..... Right?

Confused

She's either playing for him, or he's naive, vicecversa, or both.

Likely both I'd say.

Original poster
PinaColada66 · 29/03/2019 22:43

I can’t cross paths with her as we don’t live nearby. I’ve met her but we’re not friends as such. I don’t have her phone number.

My husband is the kind of man who likes to help people and I get the impression she has been asking for his advice and opinion on her problems. I think he likes to be needed.

OP posts:
SurgeHopper · 29/03/2019 22:45

I didn’t forbid him to see her because I think he’ll just see her secretly and I would prefer to be there.

^

TBH if he was all that he'd offer to stop seeing her at all, in order to make YOU (his wife, BTW) feel better.

Instead he's gonna keep comforting her?

Okaaayyy.

SadieSnakes · 29/03/2019 22:46

Also her having relationship problems is a huge red flag. And your dh the Knight in white shining armour. She's making a move on him for sure, playing the damsel in distress.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 29/03/2019 22:46

Your instinct is telling you to be worried

He has not reassured you, in fact you are now more worried than before

I would absolutely be checking his phone and I think you should brace yourself for what you might find

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