To think my marriage is affair proof?

[PinaColada66]

My DH is a lovely, lovely man. He believes passionately that family is important and the centre of everything and he’s very anti cheating.

However, he has a relatively new female friend who he’s clearly very taken with. They get along like a house on fire and if he was single I think he would definitely want to be with her. I’ve met her several times and she’s very nice. I see why he likes her so much.

So my question is, because I know how strongly he feels about ‘family’, can I feel safe that he’s not going to cheat on me with her?? Is any man affair proof? What can I do to keep our marriage ‘safe’?

Guys think with their dicks

Yes, when younger they do just that!

It’s a shame the old ‘but of course men and women can be friends stop being so controlling’ line is peddled. Ad nauseum. It’s like you think affairs happen out of thin air.

Read the thread here and take in what the OP is saying.

If she had said, my DH has casual friends, some male some female, but I can’t stand him being with the female ones. Well that’s unhealthy of the wife.
If she had said, my DH has a good female friend, he’s had for 20 years, we’ve met for dinners, we know her husband, they meet every few months for lunch. No defensiveness, no jumping when she rings, all natural, unsecretive, well sounds fine doesn’t it?

But that’s not what is being described here.

He doesn’t have to speak to her but he wants to. He tells me they’re friends.

If I had to bet my flat on it I would say that he does have feelings for her but he’s very principled so I’m hoping that he’d never act on those feelings. I think he would prioritise me but I can’t be 100% sure. I just don’t think he’d throw it all away.

orangecookie Reading the thread shows that I and many other posters have said BOTH that men and women can be friends AND that there are alarm bells ringing in this case - in his proclamations of family values and in her reluctance to talk to him.

Becoming good friends with someone at work is not a problem... maintaining that friendship after she left is more of a worry. Either they are genuinely just really good friends or they are interested in each other.

I would pour cold water on this now. Tell him you're a bit concerned about how close he is with her. If it's the former scenario and they're just good friends, he will seek to alleviate your concerns, perhaps by including you in the conversations, asking you to meet up with her etc. If it's the latter and he's interested... then you will see from his reaction.

I know a guy at work who is the 'perfect family man'. His wife is always gushing on facebook about how wonderful her hubby is, how happy she is, how lucky they are. He's been having an affair with my work mate for 2 years. No marriage is affair proof, you have to work at it.

If you can't talk to him about this, I don't see how the marriage can stay happy anyway.

If I had to bet my flat on it I would say that he does have feelings for her but he’s very principled so I’m hoping that he’d never act on those feelings. I think he would prioritise me but I can’t be 100% sure. I just don’t think he’d throw it all away.

Again - the reason I believe that my husband and I are not inclined to affairs is nothing to do with how 'noble' or 'principled' I think we are - it's the sheer practicality of neither of us being inclined to bond with other people that way, nor have the sex drive to pull us that way either.

And above all, we communicate with each other. Principles are nothing like as important as communication. For the sake of your marriage, stop guessing his intentions with internet strangers, and talk to HIM about them.

I had a work husband, he was my best friend. We did not have an affair we were just good friends who had each other's back while at work. My DH met my work husband on a few occasions not once did he think we had an affair a lot of people thought we were having one at work though. Sometimes men and women can just be friends. My work husband left the company after 6 years to move up the ladder elsewhere... I haven't spoken or met up with him since ... he was apart of my working day not part of my home life. Odd it seems but at the time and now it was want I needed. Oh work husband is married. I had met his wife a work functions.

It's easier to avert danger than deal with the aftermath

^This a hundred times over.

Marriage is a long time and things can happen. We aren’t knocked out at the altar to make us unconscious of other interesting vibrant attractive people. We do get attracted, sometimes powerfully attracted to others. And it is work and dedication and sacrifice to stay on the path and not explore these exciting opportunities. It is bloody hard work actually. I would understand somebody saying their marriage is affair proof when they have been married five minutes, but when you got a few years or decades together under your belt, your view stops being so black and white. When faced with familiarity, habit, demands and responsibilities, mundane and predictable rut at home and there is this dazzling person who is mad about you and who can offer all the things you haven’t seen/experienced for years, it is a tough tough choice which can take all of your self-restraint not to pursue. Nobody is immune. It is a matter of vulnerability and strength of character required to deny yourself/sacrifice your personal desires/pleasures. You can absolutely love and be intimate with more than one person.

Your husband may be very anti cheating and a strong family man. But her actions count in this situation too.

He might think their friend but what is SHE wants something more? Are you prepared for HER to make a move on your husband?

No marriage is affair proof.
An affair is not necessarily about how strong your marriage is or how he feels about you. It's actually about how he sees himself. Believe it's taken me a long time to come to terms with it. Some people (men and women but mainly men) need the validation from others about them being desirable and funny and attractive and crave the thrill of the chase and (exciting) sex and the feeling that someone else thinks they are amazing. So you can be the best wife and have a strong marriage but if the affair partner feels that they need the thrill/excitement/ validation of an affair they will do it. Many them compartmentalise these actions and feelings kidding themselves that you won't find out, or its justified, or its "not serious".

Take it from me it's not about you or your marriage it's about him.

The best thing you can do is bring it out in the open. " What's going on with you and xxx.?". Keep communication open.

Again - the reason I believe that my husband and I are not inclined to affairs is nothing to do with how 'noble' or 'principled' I think we are - it's the sheer practicality of neither of us being inclined to bond with other people that way, nor have the sex drive to pull us that way either.

^^this. Op he might be saying he's principled, but he's got himself into a situation where he's developed feelings for someone that he's now defensive of. Those actions don't scream principled to me.

I think you should follow some Orangecookie’s advices and invest in your relationship with your DH. Does he have a reason for EA or for something bigger? It’s the question. If the answer is yes, you need to think about this.
And I completely agree with you, I wouldn’t be comfortable with all this staying in touch especially now when she moved. But I’m usually suspicious about intense friendships between opposite sexes.

It's simple: Either you are seeing the reality but he is too much in denial to let himself see it too or he is being totally honest with himself and you and you are seeing something that isn't reality.

If he indeed has deep seeded feelings for her, you talking to him, either 'warning him' or expressing your insecurities will bring complete denial from him, the denial he will try to convince himself of as much as you. If he has strong principles to that regards, you can bet it will take him a long time to acknowledge his feelings. Talking to him will just try harder to convince you and him that nothing is happening and you'll be no better off.

If you tell him it makes you feel insecure and he really has no I tesrest in her besides genuine friendship, it might indeed make him very uncomfortabke and under pressure to give something up that isn't wrong which could result in resentment.

I agree that the key to a good marriage is communication but I think it too premature to do so. As a poster said, focus instead on you too as a couple, go away for a long weekend, date nights etc...and see how he responds to these.

I could have written your post a year ago.
The affair did happen, it devastated me and our family. I'm in the process of a divorce.
People think affairs happen because one partner is 'sneaky' or looking for thrills but more often than not they grow out of a close friendship that leads to feelings of intimacy. From there the physical part "just happens."
I wish I had trusted my instincts, put my foot down and ended the friendship outright. But hindsight is 20/20.

Nobody jumps straight into an affair, it’s often a gentle slide of gradually sharing more with someone outside the marriage / relationship than with their partner until the partner is the one on the outside.
www.amazon.co.uk/NOT-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503/ref=asc_df_0743225503/?hvlocphy=1006964&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=310834580283&hvpone&hvlocint&th=1&hvpos=1o1&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-450715917033&hvrand=9669172677192839026
This book may be helpful for you both, but only if he can see where things may lead if he doesn’t change his direction

I'm close to some male colleagues and I do chat with them after one of us moves on. I dread making their partners feel the way you do, OP. For me there is nothing more than sharing the same battles and work history with its drama. I hope nothing is going on between your DP and his friend.

Sprite But he still had the capacity to cheat....even if you had put your foot down. Something was amiss already...don't beat yourself up because you didn't act. In all likelyhood you couldn't have stopped anything.

I am currently watching something like this unfold with my friends. He's been socialising with a young woman who is 15 years younger. She's being cool about it..."Oh no it's fine! They're just mates...he likes going to the pub with her...they play darts"

Meanwhile I'm I've never liked the woman in question. I don't trust her and my friend's DH is of course flattered that this girl wants to spend time with him.

OP, if nothing else this friendship is making you feel insecure and anxious. And for that reason and that alone you need to speak to your husband. Even if he doesn’t have feelings for her, he needs to recognise, as your husband, how he is making you feel.

Good luck

I might be tempted to look at his phone, if possible.

Men who bang on about trust and game playing and their principles tend to be the ones to watch. Other people don’t bang on about these things because they’re a given.

Affair proof marriage is that an oxymoron?

If your marriage was affair proof you wouldn't be posting.
He wouldn't get 'defensive' about 'her'.

If you talk openly about this with each other then that might prevent it getting out of hand but if an affair is going to happen it will.

OP you said: I’m worried that discussing it openly might bring things to a head prematurely and not in my favour.
What did you mean by it if not he’ll choose her over you? How is he a good man if you can’t discuss t with him for fear of bringing it up won’t end up in your favour.

@vole I’d second that. Very good book. In fact I think it accurately describes many affairs and how they don’t start off as we might think

• man unhappy. Sudden affair.

They start off as

• man entitled, thinks he’s great, thinks he’s a good family man, attracts female attention, starts to feel wanted and needed again, starts to be less respectful of his wife, starts to feel that not only has he a good job, great family, but he’s just so in his prime other women need him too, and he’s great to talk to... starts to become a colder, less emotionally available man to his family... starts to piece together reasons for having the friendship and more freedom... starts to view himself in a bette light... starts then to care more about friend and then reasons why this might be... wife starts to complain... wife is controlling... starts to feel that love isn’t forever, he needs to be true to himself and wife is holding him back...

...affair starts.

Having always worked in large male dominated industries I'd say no marriage is affair proof. I'd say 70% who strayed justified it as 'just sex' & so therefore, separate to/no threat to their marriage. The rest, it was down to incompatibility, boredom, insecurity, ego, thrill of the chase, fear of ageing etc. I've had close male work friends. Both I regarded as brother figures. Colleagues were convinced something was going on as they didn't know I have a type: my current workmate is the total opposite of that type. He just makes me laugh & gives great advice in a very 'vipers nest' job that can be grim. We've had lunch once & his wife knows about me as I recomended a cleaner. I'm very definitely not his type either, he goes for younger & brunette.