To ask if feminism has ruined your life?

[Playtive]

Joining mumsnet coincided with having my first baby. Having my first baby coincided with realising I’d married a deeply sexist man. Ergo a feminist was born.

Long story short he did nothing with our baby. He expected his life to continue as he wanted and it was my job to do all the drudge work.

I had huge resentment and really struggled for the first year of DDs life.

Anywho we’re still together and things marginally improved as she got older, however my resentment will not go away and I think it’s only a matter of time before I eventually leave - even though leaving would undoubtedly make mine and my child’s life harder.

Everywhere I look now I see inequality, male privilege, overt and covert abuse of women and it’s actually ruining my life somewhat.

I can’t watch a lighthearted television show without noticing sexism. Innocent conversation with female friends/family can give me the rage inside with all the internalised misogyny. Pretty much every conversation with my husband regarding women makes me think he’s an entitled sexist arsehole. Even though I wouldn’t have batted an eye to these seemingly innocuous comments previously and was a very easy going person.

Has this happened to anyone else? How did you deal with it? AIBU to just want to watch television in peace?!

So, because you married a sexist foreigner from a different culture, you don't want to ever be with any man ever again, even though the world has plenty of men who are lovely and not sexist? Wow. What about sex?

I feel the same. Not because I have experience of marrying someone sexist, quite the opposite in fact.

I just can’t see any benefit in giving up my independence, lifestyle etc for something that wouldn’t make my life better.

You don’t need a relationship for sex

@Treefloof

feminism
/ˈfɛmɪnɪz(ə)m/Submit
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noun
the advocacy of women's rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes.

You sound certifiable

Women in the UK are NOT oppressed. Men are. Not women. There isn't any patriarchy

Uh huh.

Confused.... Your sample sizes are tiny. 5 or 6 women???? Now compare that to the number of men in comparable postions. Contrast the two female pms to how many pms have come before them (and even in between Thatcher and May.)

And as much abuse perpetrated agn men? Interesting. What are you defining as abuse? And can you quote some stats?

Women in the UK are NOT oppressed. Men are. Not women

Really?

Men are oppressed?

Hmm, well I kind of do think equality is a key part of feminism, but in the sense of seeking equal treatment and fairness. Not meaning that men and women are the same, have to be seen as the same, or that all shit doled out to one sex must also happen to the other. But that we get rid of the shit deal that women currently get in so many ways.

So for example, free time should be shared equally in the home. That is an example of equality. It's not equal at the moment and that gives women a huge disadvantage - more stress, more poor MH, less time to further themselves or enjoy themselves, less time to work for money. And things like voting rights, equal pay for equal work, etc. Equality is at the heart of these things.

I do also take exception to sexism against men because I don't think it's helpful at all, and I don't think men should have to put up with sexist limitations on their lives either. For example school rules that say boys can't have long hair is stupid, sexist shite that I would fight against. Because it's sexist in itself, and also because anything that limits boys and men from expressing themselves and deviating from a narrow idea of masculinity is also bad for women, because how men see themselves and how they ought to behave impacts a lot on women.

I just can’t see any benefit in giving up my independence, lifestyle etc for something that wouldn’t make my life better.

Why would anyone disagree with that? It has nothing to do with feminism however.
Being married has done absolutely nothing against my independence and lifestyle. Being married has made my own life easier. Having kids on the other hand....

I am sure you could be in an unhappy and abusive relationship with a same sex partner, male or female. I don't think you can argue that lesbian relationships are happier and healthier than relationships with the opposite sex (provided you are in the right one for you obviously)

Beardy

I could list a lot more. Dozens, hundreds, thousands, you would get bored of reading.

But feel free to actually give me a coherent answer to any of my questions.

-If things were ever equal there would be some bloody pissed off men cos I for one vote to kill 2 or 3 a week. Randomly. I dont care how random is quantified, pick the short straw, a random number generator, the abused and murdered womens families choosing.
Amongst other thing—
And this is the kind of attitude that gives people the wrong impression about feminism!

On a different tack I think being raised by feminist parents/teachers who told me that I can “have it all” has ruined my life. I have been made to feel like I should want it all (family AND career AND independence etc etc) when actually I don’t want it all. The pressure to be a “proper feminist” is the main source of my low emotional well being and stress/anxiety.

Yes OP, feminism has ruined my life but not for the reasons you cite.

It has nothing to do with feminism however

For me it absolutely is. Given societal expectations on lifestyle.

@QueenKubauOfKish
Equal time at home dosnt just benefit women tho, alot of dads are not given the option with the regards of shared parental leave. It effects both men and woman, i don't agree that that is a woman's issue. I also don't think it's fair to say that how a man sees himself effects women it sounds like you only have a problem with that because it effects women

m3lon would you care to define women like me please. I would be interested to know what you have gleaned from the 2 posts that you have read from me.

A friend of mine just got harangued by a huge hairy oaf that drove into the back of her. It was all her fault of course .

There are such a lot of sexist idiots out there trying to pass the buck.

Knowing this helps you stand up for yourself.

I don't mean equal time off work, I mean that once work and chores are done there should be an equal amount of free time for both partners. Whereas in a LOT of relationships, the man leaves the woman to do the vast majority of the domestic work and childcare, even when they both work, and a lot of men help themself to large amounts of free time in the form of hobbies, lads' holidays, drinking etc and leave the woman with the kids. You see it all the time on here. It is a big issue, to me, because it's basically men taking women's time.

thedisorganisedmum you speak absolute sense.

Well it was getting better until fairly recently. Then transwomen came out of the woodwork, and it all seems to be going backwards again.

It is still a whole lot better than the 1970s though, when I was berated by men for 'having a mans job, and taking an opportunity away from a man'. I work in IT. I also no longer have to have my DH's permission to do anything financial or file taxes. I still get the 'why don't you wear a nice dress or wear a bit of makeup'. Fortunately, not from DH.

queenkubau what a lot of stereotypical tripe you throw out. If these women are letting this happen, then they need to re- think their relationships. Why are the men more to blame in that situation that weak women not standing up to their partners? .

"The most famous, successfull and wealthy author on the planet is a woman. How has the patriarchy repressed JK Rowling?"
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Whilst I agree with this statement in terms of how well JK Rowling has done, I must say that the reason she is named "JK" Rowling on her books, as opposed to her first name then surname is because at the time she was advised that books with women's name on as the author sell less books than those with a male authors name. So that is why she used her initials instead of her first name so people would read her books because they were interested without any pre-assumptions and prejudice because she is a woman.

@QueenKubauOfKish
I see that more as some women are letting their partners walk all over them.
If that's happening you are allowing that to happen, rather than playing the victim, stand up for yourself. (I'm not talking about you)
I see so many women acting as martyrs and blaming other people for them not having a backbone

Whereas in a LOT of relationships, the man leaves the woman to do the vast majority of the domestic work and childcare, even when they both work, and a lot of men help themself to large amounts of free time in the form of hobbies, lads' holidays, drinking etc and leave the woman with the kids. You see it all the time on here. It is a big issue, to me, because it's basically men taking women's time.

I just wouldn't allow this to happen. If my partner did this, he'd no longer be my partner. Most times, men like this would have showed their selfish side before living together, certainly before having children. I know so many women who put up with it. Just get rid.

"One of the most successfull music artists is a woman. How has the patriarchy repressed Adele?"

Sorry, not meaning to deliberately pick on your post here.

It was women like Madonna who paved the way for females in the music industry. Like her or loath her she did an awful lot of groundbreaking stuff over years and years which she was heavily criticised for but at the same time broke down barriers to pave the way for most female artists nowadays.

@CiderBrains
It was more that the books were targeted to young boys and both publishers and jk agreed that it was better to use a pen name.
It wasn't that people don't read books by women

I just can’t see any benefit in giving up my independence, lifestyle etc for something that wouldn’t make my life better

You don’t need a relationship for sex

Oh dear. I think if you are shagging random men, that other women have thrown back into the dating pool, after road testing them, that you will be exposing yourself to some right dingbats. There'll be a reason noone has snapped them up as a life partner (in many cases anyway). If they're in their 40's and up, I'll wager they'll have a set of baggage to rival Samsonite, and a crappy attitude to women, to boot.

A good DH can be your best friend, the person who has your back, the person you make life plans with, your travelling companion, your confidante, the person to snuggle to, the person to bring you a hot toddy when you're ill, the person to share stress and bills with. And the person to have great sex with.

Please don't give up on all men, just because you've met one or two that are arseholes. I have 2 ex-best friends that turned out to be utter bitches, that doesn't mean for one moment that any woman on this thread would be capable of doing to me, what they did. There are 66 million people in the UK. I'd like to think that most of them are decent.

I think if you are shagging random men, that other women have thrown back into the dating pool, after road testing them, that you will be exposing yourself to some right dingbats

I’m not, thanks.

Please don't give up on all men, just because you've met one or two that are arseholes

Why isn’t being actively single a valid choice? Why is it seen as “giving up”? I don’t want a man because they won’t enhance my life in any way. I’ve never been involved with any “arseholes”. It’s a decision made through positivity.

Meanwhile, my female peers, both with and without children, many of whom had brilliant minds and were very hard-working, have ended up scrambling for jobs and their financial future looks rather bleak

That's when I realised none of my female friends would have been able to do similar to the males. They didn't have access to those "bro" networks; they wouldn't be able to spin "having a joint while a mate makes a techno tune" as integral involvement with audio technology

What is stopping you from starting your own business/company?

Granted I am not in the U.K (United States) but there was nothing holding me back when I started my own manufacturing business about 30 years ago. The bank never asked me my sex and neither did any of my distributors etc.

Sadly I did run into problems with other women though. For example, when starting out and trying to price out raw materials I had to deal with many uncooperative female 'gate keepers'. I don't think they would have even felt the need to gate keep if they heard a male voice on the phone. There was one women who was actually doing loud sighs over the phone because she couldn't answer my questions and decided to answer my questions with these awful loud sighs. I finally told her, "Look, let's end this conversation right now because you and I are never ever going to be able to do business together" She quickly put her very knowledgeable, helpful, eager to do business male boss on the phone. This kind of shit happened so often my heart would sink when I heard a female voice on the other side of the phone. I have so many examples I could give. I found many women (not all) to be petty but can't ever recall a single man acting petty, let alone attempting to cut off his nose to spite his face.

I remember taking a male employee to a meeting because he was much better educated than I and a brilliant public speaker. I was shocked by the attitude of one of the women towards him. It was as if he was a joke to be mocked - I recalling hearing statements such as, 'you are suggesting we do what?? - followed by a little laugh. If I'd had said the same things as he had I would have received a serious and very cooperative answer from this particular woman.

I'm digressing a bit. Back to my original point; start your own businesses, set your own salaries, promote the people who deserve it and for ffs don't mock the bro's.

I'm retired now, so fuck it all.