To ask if feminism has ruined your life?

[Playtive]

Joining mumsnet coincided with having my first baby. Having my first baby coincided with realising I’d married a deeply sexist man. Ergo a feminist was born.

Long story short he did nothing with our baby. He expected his life to continue as he wanted and it was my job to do all the drudge work.

I had huge resentment and really struggled for the first year of DDs life.

Anywho we’re still together and things marginally improved as she got older, however my resentment will not go away and I think it’s only a matter of time before I eventually leave - even though leaving would undoubtedly make mine and my child’s life harder.

Everywhere I look now I see inequality, male privilege, overt and covert abuse of women and it’s actually ruining my life somewhat.

I can’t watch a lighthearted television show without noticing sexism. Innocent conversation with female friends/family can give me the rage inside with all the internalised misogyny. Pretty much every conversation with my husband regarding women makes me think he’s an entitled sexist arsehole. Even though I wouldn’t have batted an eye to these seemingly innocuous comments previously and was a very easy going person.

Has this happened to anyone else? How did you deal with it? AIBU to just want to watch television in peace?!

I agree it's a stereotype, but also true and exhausting and pissing off a lot of women. It happened to me, and like the OP I thought I would never be with a sexist misigynist arse, and pre-kids I didn't think he was but... he was.

Why do they let it happen? I think there are lots of reasons, to do with the patriarchy and to a much smaller extent biology.

When you first have a baby you are physically tied to that baby for a while, and it's understandable that that is your role as a mum as they just came out of your body, may be breastfeeding etc. Then it's very easy for that to extend to anything to do with the kids being your role to be in charge of, and that pressure being put onto you by your OH and by society in general.

Most women I know, including the feminists, if their OH refuses to take their child to a birthday party or sort out stuff for school or do school pick ups, will do it rather than neglect their kids to make a point. If their OH fucks off for an all-day bike ride or doesn't come home from the pub when he said he would and then has a hangover all next day, most women don't just walk out and abandon their kids so it's fair. And so the inequality is entrenched and he just does it more.

You can insist you can plead, you can nag, you can remind him endlessly that it should be fair and you do way more than him. And I did. But you can't make him take responsibility if he just won't.

You can leave - and I did. But guess what, now I'm a working single mum who has the kids most of the time (as I and they prefer, because he is not great with them) and sorts out everything they need, has less disposable income and is more exhausted, than my ex who has a higher salary (because he refused to go part time, so I did, so my career took a hit and his didn't) and loads of free time to do what he likes.

But what happens if a woman leaves her male partner with the kids and sees them once in a while? Massive moral disapproval, shock, how could she do that. But when men do it, it's normal, it's just what happens, they even get praised for bothering to pay basic maintenance and seeing their kids at all.

Can't you see that the inequality is really hard to avoid?

@Huskylover1
I'm sure there are plenty of single 40+ year olds that aren't laden with baggage and have a terrible attitude to women, perhaps they just haven't found the right person, yeesh

Why isn’t being actively single a valid choice?

Yes, it is a valid choice, sorry. But I would be lonely and I like alot of sex

QueenKubauOfKish Sooooo true!

I think I must have watched a programme on her and I'm sure they said she didn't put her first name because statistically books written by women (with their name on the book as the author) sold less then those with a male named as the author. I am happy to be proved wrong

Great post QueenKubauOfKish sums up my experience very accurately.

What a great thread! Yes! I am a feminist too and it drives me insane. My biggest annoyance is how my friends and other females of the same age just keep enabling misogyny and allow themselves not to be treated equally. Like:
They both work full time but they do all the drudge work with the kids
They cook, husband doesn’t
They don’t take promotions but expect hubby to.
They ask hubby before doing anything
They can’t leave the kids with him without cooking dinner a d doing everything for them because it “wouldn’t be fair”
Argh!!!

Confused - the PM is not a civil servant of any kind - she's an elected politician! Based on that glaring error the rest of your post of notable exceptions isn't likely to be very credible. NAWALT

You’re very much correct CiderBrains there’s been studies proving that men won’t read female authors but male authors don’t face the same prejudices.

Feminist movementshave campaigned and continue to campaign forwomen's rights, including the right tovote, to hold public office,to work, to earn fairwagesorequal pay, toown property,to receive education, to enter contracts, to have equal rights withinmarriage
and to havematernity leave. Feminists have also worked to ensure access to legal abortions andsocial integration, and to protect
women and girls fromrape,sexual harassment, anddomestic violence.[4]Changes in dress and acceptable physical activity have often been part of feminist movements.[5] source wiki.
Do you see a man in all that, do you see equality or women centred things

Confusedfornow, I'm loving how appropriate your name is. Can I suggest you read The Equality Illusion by Kat Banyard? Because you're sure as hell confused about what feminism is and why it's necessary.

Incidentally, the PM is not a civil servant. Perhaps you meant public servant?

It's fantastic that J K Rowling (a woman!) is a bestselling author. But an outlier is not a trend. The publishing industry has more women working in it than men but more men in the top jobs and there is a large gender pay gap. Most book reviewers are men and they mostly review books written by men. Women's fiction is seen as a genre, men's as the default.

It's ironic that you cite J K Rowling to support your argument when she herself is aware of the inequalities - in publishing and in general - that women face and campaigns against them.

Citing the handful of successful women at the top says nothing about society as a whole.

Women in the UK are NOT oppressed. Men are. Not women. There isn't any patriarchy.

I think your user name is very apt confusedfornow

Most women I know, including the feminists, if their OH refuses to take their child to a birthday party or sort out stuff for school or do school pick ups, will do it rather than neglect their kids to make a point. If their OH fucks off for an all-day bike ride or doesn't come home from the pub when he said he would and then has a hangover all next day, most women don't just walk out and abandon their kids so it's fair

I have done exactly that. Literally walked out the door and told DH - you're in charge. The kids quickly get where they need to be. Goes back to my point about growing some balls, or a cunt, or whatever feminist thing I was supposed to say. All ends up in the same place - if you let men walk all over you, then they will. But then, so will women. Stick up for yourselves ffs and stop bleating.

Nicely put Cinnamon. An outlier is not a trend.

Has anyone here come across the book Down Girl: the logic of misogyny? Just started it, but so far so fab.

I started quoting confusedfornows post to counter each of their points, but I decided that in the end it would just be easier to say:

I'm afraid you are talking utter shite and the facts back that up.

There are lots of men who write under a female pen name to sell crime, thrillers and romance. As they find women will not buy if it is a male author.
Women have also dominated the bestselling lists for the past few years

Which male authors write under a female name, Cheryl?

itsgood of course. Women like you = women who think it is up to women to prevent discrimination against women and overthrow the inbuilt sexism in society. Women who think because one woman has 'made it' (often but not always themselves) then there can't be a systemic issue.

I believe that both of these assertions can reasonably be made about you purely on the basis of your posts. I think on the basis of your posts you are far more the problem than the average man I meet, as the average man I meet seems to understand that its useful for the powerful and privileged in society to fight for equality.

But then almost 100% of the men I meet have PhDs....so I'm starting from a biased view of average men!

Which male authors write under a female name
quite a few according to google. Apparently it's quite the trend in the thriller gender among other things.

The posters on here who say that misogyny/sexism is not a problem any more because we have legislation in place to deal with it - would you say the same about racism? I genuinely would like to know.

Which ones, thedisorganisedmum? Because I have worked in publishing for over 30 years and I haven't come across any.

Well of course it’s up to women to prevent discrimination against women. Who else is going to do it? Sorry - if you think differently then I don’t think you even understand what feminism is.

Oh, by the way - another point to add to the many excellent points made by other posters. All the evidence points to the fact that austerity measures have hit women hardest. That is just one (major) example of structural discrimination.

The posters on here who say that misogyny/sexism is not a problem any more because we have legislation in place to deal with it - would you say the same about racism?

well, yes.
As in: is our country racist, and racism acceptable: no.
Are some people racists and others victims of racism? yes.
Does it mean the whole country is either racist or victim or racism? no

I'm fast becoming a man hater. I'm trying to stop this. I'm 45.