To ask if feminism has ruined your life?

[Playtive]

Joining mumsnet coincided with having my first baby. Having my first baby coincided with realising I’d married a deeply sexist man. Ergo a feminist was born.

Long story short he did nothing with our baby. He expected his life to continue as he wanted and it was my job to do all the drudge work.

I had huge resentment and really struggled for the first year of DDs life.

Anywho we’re still together and things marginally improved as she got older, however my resentment will not go away and I think it’s only a matter of time before I eventually leave - even though leaving would undoubtedly make mine and my child’s life harder.

Everywhere I look now I see inequality, male privilege, overt and covert abuse of women and it’s actually ruining my life somewhat.

I can’t watch a lighthearted television show without noticing sexism. Innocent conversation with female friends/family can give me the rage inside with all the internalised misogyny. Pretty much every conversation with my husband regarding women makes me think he’s an entitled sexist arsehole. Even though I wouldn’t have batted an eye to these seemingly innocuous comments previously and was a very easy going person.

Has this happened to anyone else? How did you deal with it? AIBU to just want to watch television in peace?!

Don't try to pretend that every single woman is victim of a sexist patriarchy (insert your favourite words) because it's just not true.

Who has said that? Do you know what 'as a class' means? It doesn't mean 'every single person'.

In the same way that NAMALT, which I'm surprised hasn't reared its head on this thread yet!

I've long suspected my boyfriend is a bit on the 'weak' side, he seems to think that feminism is an excuse for him not to have to try so hard, in terms of money, or romance, or just pulling his weight through life. I suspect a lot of men/boys are like this too.

Toaster?!Tosser obv!!!

I sympathise, OP.

I used to be one of those women who believes that feminism isn't needed because she doesn't personally feel at a disadvantage. I'd never been harassed or sexually abused (apart from the guy who groped me at a university event and said "you loved it really", reducing me to tears because my close friend was raped weeks before, or the stranger who grabbed my breasts at 1am in Piccadilly, or the flasher who stalked me and a female friend for half an hour across a strange city at night so that, twenty years later, I still start to panic if I'm on a street with parked cars after dusk, or the stepdad who sent me pornographic emails but I never told anyone ... but those didn't count, because it was my fault for not being enough of a cool girl to laugh it off and turn it into a funny story, or at least that's how I saw it then) and I'd never been at a disadvantage professionally because I was a woman (sure, I chose to wear a wedding ring when I've never been married after my experiences with older male colleagues in my first job, but that's just common sense, right?) and I'd never been encouraged to lower my sights because I was female (apart from at my single-sex grammar school, where we were told not to apply to top-ranking universities in case we didn't get in, when our counterparts at the boys' grammar were coached for Cambridge interviews. But that was just one school and not a systemic thing, ok).

Since I had a daughter, I've sometimes wished for blinkers because being able to see it all clearly now is unbearable. But I can fight for her better with them off.

It's not feminism that's the problem-it's marrying a sexist man. Without feminism you would not have a vote and many other things which I have not the time to list. Especially as this post has annoyed me so much.

disorganisemum came to disrupt the thread. Don't let them. They're not going to be convinced by facts or statistics. Their sole purpose from their first post was to be a gf.

I was always a feminist, but I never really understood patriarchy until my early 40s and realised that some very mediocre males from my youth were somehow in six figure plus jobs, despite, in some cases, not having any or very poor formal qualifications and spending their 20s doing fuck all. They'd managed somehow to blag it by hiding poor grades, presenting involvement in projects as more than it was or moving around Europe.

Meanwhile, my female peers, both with and without children, many of whom had brilliant minds and were very hard-working, have ended up scrambling for jobs and their financial future looks rather bleak.

That's when I realised none of my female friends would have been able to do similar to the males. They didn't have access to those "bro" networks; they wouldn't be able to spin "having a joint while a mate makes a techno tune" as integral involvement with audio technology.

I can’t say feminism has ruined my life. Why would it? I have always done what I want and achieved what I want. I don’t understand all this blaming men stuff. Doesn’t that just make you equally as guilty - oh it was all the man’s fault that I couldn’t do this that or the other. Stand up for yourselves. If you have a partner who thinks you should do everything for the kids, then put him right. FFS op you sound pathetic. Grow some balls and then stop saying that feminism ruined your life.

@itsgoodtobehome

Also my view

I do sometimes feel worn out by it all...but my position is that the discrimination is real and your only choice is for it either to slide in unnoticed via the subconscious and silently poison your self-esteem, or for it to be flagged consciously so at last you can see what it is you're fighting.

I'd rather see every make up advert as a sexist attack on my self-esteem than to have them all slowly, silently turn me into someone who hates my body and has to find a way to pay for cosmetic surgery on top of it all!

In summary, its sucks, but its better than the alternative.

To be fair to OP I think her actual thread title may have been tongue in cheek (?). And she's admitted that she wishes she'd picked up in clues before now. And I think she's now growing some balls, as I have only done in recent years.

I think it's harsh to call her pathetic

itsgood how ironic you use the phrase 'grow some balls' in an attempt to undermine the existence of the patriarchy!

It is of interest to me that 'balls' are considered strong. In reality it is cunts that are strong, resilient and can survive the rigours of childbirth and come back for more. Balls on the other hand are fragile, sensitive and tend to flea for cover at first sign of danger.

So next time you're recommending womaning up, maybe advise someone to 'grow a cunt' eh?

Oh yes. Ignorance is bliss!

OP I feel exactly the same way! And am in a similar situation too. The sexist DH really doesn't help things, as he's a constant reminder of it all.

Don't try to pretend that every single woman is victim of a sexist patriarchy (insert your favourite words) because it's just not true.

Next time you (or any or every other woman) is ill, check out whether the drugs prescribed were ever tested specifically for women, taking into account different body make up (from fat/muscle ratios to hormone levels). Or maybe don't bother since you'll be ill and have no alternative anyway.

The impact of the patriarchy turns up in places we don't often don't even think to look.

Ok then. Woman up and grow a cunt. I don’t care what you call it. Just stop bleating and blaming men for everything. That is what is the irony here....

I totally relate to the exhausting daily grind of seeing it all and tackling what we can of it OP. But (for me anyway) it’s been a saving grace to find feminism. Because its sexism that ruins lives. Feminism gives it a language and offers us some tools to work with IME.Yes it’s shit but especially when we think of our DCs lives in the future every small feminist action we take or link we make is helping both us and them.

@thedisorganisedmum

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/feb/23/truth-world-built-for-men-car-crashes

3times apparently there is such thing as a female crash test dummy but car manufacturers rarely bother to use it!

Yup, your car probably hasn't even been tested to consider how impact will affect a female

Sorry- that should say rarely used to test front seat passenger/driver impact on a woman. They do test in the back.

Coz that's where me and DD sit when I give her a lift to school before work

M3lon “grow a cunt”

here's a very timely link which expresses a lot of my/pp frustrations:

victimfocus.wordpress.com/2018/08/04/why-i-dont-want-to-become-equal-to-men

I think of grow some balls as lady balls - ours are so big that we have to wear them on our chest not groin.

totally misses the point

itsgood if its any help I definitely blame 'women like you' for the oppression of women more than I blame 'men on average'....

so its not all about blaming men.

lees hmm...interesting...I've not found breasts to be as resilient to childbirth as cunts in general...but both are far superior in the strength department to balls.

In other news my DD had lost the word 'bra' yesterday and spent an entertaining 10 minutes coming up with alternatives. Her best efforts where 'mum pouches' and 'breast pressers'. I'd like to give 'boob slings' an honourable mention too.