To ask if feminism has ruined your life?

[Playtive]

Joining mumsnet coincided with having my first baby. Having my first baby coincided with realising I’d married a deeply sexist man. Ergo a feminist was born.

Long story short he did nothing with our baby. He expected his life to continue as he wanted and it was my job to do all the drudge work.

I had huge resentment and really struggled for the first year of DDs life.

Anywho we’re still together and things marginally improved as she got older, however my resentment will not go away and I think it’s only a matter of time before I eventually leave - even though leaving would undoubtedly make mine and my child’s life harder.

Everywhere I look now I see inequality, male privilege, overt and covert abuse of women and it’s actually ruining my life somewhat.

I can’t watch a lighthearted television show without noticing sexism. Innocent conversation with female friends/family can give me the rage inside with all the internalised misogyny. Pretty much every conversation with my husband regarding women makes me think he’s an entitled sexist arsehole. Even though I wouldn’t have batted an eye to these seemingly innocuous comments previously and was a very easy going person.

Has this happened to anyone else? How did you deal with it? AIBU to just want to watch television in peace?!

I had one of those too plus he didn't pick up after himself. I ended up divorcing him. In some ways harder but also easier as I now only have one child to pick up after lol.

@cinnamonontoast
@thedisorganisedmum
There are loads just Google it

and even more male writer choosing "gender neutral" names or just initials

Sorry @disorgonisedmum didn't mean to tag you in that

no worries, I was on google too Cherylshaw

Can't you see that the inequality is really hard to avoid?

I just don't believe that these men who are sexist and selfish do not show any of these things before children earlier in the relationship. I know a lot of women who put up with this sort of behaviour. They all say that the signs were there before children, they just glossed over them. Everyone really holds the responsibility to choose a good partner, with morals that you agree with...they are not just your partner, if you have children they will have a huge influence in the lives of your children, whether they choose to spend much time with them or not.

I suppose because my father was everything bad you could imagine in a person, I knew exactly what I didn't want in a partner. I got told on more than one occasion that my 'standards were high'. Too right they were, (and still are) my whole life and my future children's lives would be affected by the partner I chose. I tell all the younger generation in my family, be very picky and don't settle.

Me too Hiddenaspie1973 desperately want to stop it though...

Me too Hiddenaspie1973 desperately want to stop it though...

I think that is really sad for both of you. There are so many good men out there. I hate to think that no matter how we bring our son up, he'll be tarred with the same brush as the selfish, sexist men you have encountered.

There isn't any patriarchy
*
This has got to be the most ridiculous Fing statement I've seen on MN. Ever.

I love old 40’s era film noir but notice things I didn’t before all the time. Last week we were watching one with ds and there was a scene in a laboratory, one woman two men. One was coming on to her and kept blocking the door for her to leave as she want interested. Then she gave a little smile like she was flattered.

I immediately said to dh ‘that’s harassment’ and he said yes it was. I said it out loud so 17 yr ds heard me so at least he sees that behavior is wrong.

This is for goneforgood...

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.businessinsider.com/witchsy-founders-created-fictional-male-cofounder-2017-8

I like the "outlier is not a trend" summation.

confusedfornow
When lauding and applauding the few (or even hundreds, maybe even thousands) of women who have succeeded in high flying roles or professions, it is perhaps more useful to look at the hundreds of thousands (and millions) of women in low-paid, insecure and part-time roles and think about why that might be. I'm sure someone will help you out if you're having problems working it out.

They all say that the signs were there before children, they just glossed over them.

Yes I think there's a lot of truth in that, for me too.

I suppose that when I was younger, I was taken in by the idea of lurrrve, to an extent (as we are conditioned to, though I suppose you'd say we should all just resist that) and I thought that because I loved ex, and I thought he loved me, that he wouldn't treat me like shit.

Because I wouldn't do that to someone I loved - leave them with 90% of the workload and sit on my arse. So I assumed he wouldn't.

Yes pre DC he was a bit lazy, but I could be lazy too - we could lie in all weekend and leave the dishes and school runs weren't a thing. I assumed, wrongly, that because he was lovely and sweet and funny (as I thought then) and I lurved him, that of course he would behave differently with DC, as of course would I.

In fact I was so sold on the idea that he was lovely really and just needed to understand how much I did and how much needed doing and how unfair it was, that I kept trying to explain this to him and he kept pretending he got it. While fecking off to his important job and hobbies and leaving me in the lurch.

Yes I was a total idiot and it took a long time for the scales to fall from my eyes and by then we had 2 DC. But I'm not alone.

If you have the ability to walk out on your tiny kids and leave them with a selfish twat who'll forget to feed them, refuse to take them to their friends' parties and ignore letters from school, good on you. If I found that too hard to do, it's hard to say how much of that is innate, and how much because of the pressure on women to always be there, provide, take care of everyone etc. which I did feel very strongly.

My point is that all of this unequalness is sanctioned and ingrained by how we are brought up and what we learn to expect. That is the patriarchy at work.

But to return to the OP... in as much as my life has gone massively tits up, it wasn't because of feminism. It was because of misogyny, patriarchy, sexism and how that made my ex and me collude in me being shat all over. It was feminism and the rejection of all that crap, that helped me out of that situation. Being able to finally see the crap doesn't mean it's your new specs that are crap.

I was angry like this in my 20s and 30s.

I still get angry sometimes and if I think too much about it, particularly what my niece ( and other young women ) have to put up with and the way women in general are treated almost everywhere in the world.

But day to day in my personal life my DH never makes me feel like this and I really mean never. Even my first.husband didn't for all his other personal failings.

I think my anger and feminism made me choose the men in my life quite well so I don't think it ruined my life, I think it.improved it.
I did meet a lot of awful.men though. I just moved on from them very quickly as my bar for any sort of behaviour or comments that indicated a negative attitude to women in general was very high.

My point is that all of this unequalness is sanctioned and ingrained by how we are brought up and what we learn to expect. That is the patriarchy at work.

But you have your own mind. I was brought up with a dad that did nothing, no nappies, bottles, never attended parents evening, sports day, never cleaned or put a wash on and on top of that put me down constantly. I knew that that was never ever going to be my 'place' in life. My kids don't see what I did growing up but I make them very aware that this exists and that if they are ever not an equal to their partner, they should get out of that relationship.

I know people who have ignored the signs pre children, have seen and moaned about the selfish, sexist behaviout once baby number 1 comes along, yet have gone on to have more children. I just feel like screaming 'why?'. These men are utter bastards, but the women are letting them continue the behaviour. As I've said a million times, expect more. Life is too short and you only get one go.

LTB

Male authors’ books are reviewed more often than women’s, despite women reading more than men: www.theguardian.com/books/booksblog/2017/oct/19/male-writers-still-dominate-book-reviews-and-critic-jobs-vida-study-finds?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other
Male authors don’t recommend books by female authors:
www.bustle.com/p/a-breakdown-of-by-the-book-columns-shows-that-male-authors-are-four-times-more-likely-to-recommend-books-by-men-than-by-women-10244493
JK Rowling was advised to use initials because her books had potential to appeal to boys as well as girls but boys wouldn’t read books by women. Not people wouldn’t read books by women - males wouldn’t. Male writers who write under women’s names do so because the genres they’re writing in are seen as those aimed at women - not at both men and women. It is never a downside to be a bloke in a supposedly neutral genre such as literary fiction - for a start, you’ll get your book reviewed more often.

The CEO of GSK is a woman.

Ah yes, of course this proves there's no patriarcy. The fact that FTSE100 companies have 6 female and 94 male CEOs is just a fluke.

I suppose because my father was everything bad you could imagine in a person, I knew exactly what I didn't want in a partner. I got told on more than one occasion that my 'standards were high'.

My father was everything bad you could imagine in a person, but it didn't translate into me knowing what a good partner looked like - quite the opposite in fact. I spent most of my 20s chasing down the illusive "not like my father" man. I must have reeked of unresolved issues because I ended up in a string of relationship which were at best shitty, and at worst seriously abusive. Each time I tried to learn and grow and refine my dating criteria but like you I was frequently told my standards were too high - which often resulted in me lowering them. My experiences as a young woman growing up in a sexist society, raised by a domineering misogynistic father, left me with absolutely zero self worth. Even today after years of work unlearning these patterns my partner will still sometimes have to say to me "please don't say such cruel things about yourself" and I haven't even clocked that I'm doing it. So if you have never been supported to "do the work" of overcoming those early experiences, or you have a partner who reinforces those harmful beliefs, it doesn't really matter if "the signs were there early" that he was a twat, it really isn't as simply as just standing up for yourself. And that fear and inability to self advocate, or even to recognise that self advocacy is needed, is a result of female socialisation under patriarchy. Just because there are a few "I'm alright, Jack's" on this thread, doesn't change the reality for the vast majority of women.

Feminists ruin MY life yawn

I grew up with abuse from my dad and I think that contributed to the whole mess as well. Like you Wisdom I tried to avoid marrying someone like my dad, but instead I ended up with someone who seemed lovely at first but was just less overtly awful.

Low self-esteem ingrained from birth goes deeper than you realise. You can "beat it" and learn to love yourself and that you're worth more... but then realise it's still sort of there underneath.

While not everyone suffers childhood abuse, I think the lower-self-esteem that society imbues women with can work in a similar way. I've been a feminist since I was a teenager and knew what I believed and what I wanted. I still walked right into a misogynist relationship and endured it for years.

Every post you write sounds like I could write it myself QueenKubauOfKish It’s uncanny. Right down to the abusive father.

Weird playtive - and sorry you’ve been through it too. But maybe all this is just sadly common.

there is no patriarchy

Laughable, really.

I became more aware after having a baby, too. Luckily, I married an equal partner, but I also have friends who were convinced their partners would behave differently once they had kids. Turned out they followed all the usual gender stereotypes. But why do they act like that in the first place? And why is it up to the woman to make all the changes?

Everything starts when they're kids - girls' toys (dolls and kitchens and pretty sparkly things, preparing them for home life) and boys' toys (science kits and mechanical buildings sets, preparing them for the world of work), setting them up for a lifetime of inequality. It's so insidious you don't even notice it and even have women saying it doesn't exist! That's how successful the patriarchy has been.