To ask if feminism has ruined your life?

[Playtive]

Joining mumsnet coincided with having my first baby. Having my first baby coincided with realising I’d married a deeply sexist man. Ergo a feminist was born.

Long story short he did nothing with our baby. He expected his life to continue as he wanted and it was my job to do all the drudge work.

I had huge resentment and really struggled for the first year of DDs life.

Anywho we’re still together and things marginally improved as she got older, however my resentment will not go away and I think it’s only a matter of time before I eventually leave - even though leaving would undoubtedly make mine and my child’s life harder.

Everywhere I look now I see inequality, male privilege, overt and covert abuse of women and it’s actually ruining my life somewhat.

I can’t watch a lighthearted television show without noticing sexism. Innocent conversation with female friends/family can give me the rage inside with all the internalised misogyny. Pretty much every conversation with my husband regarding women makes me think he’s an entitled sexist arsehole. Even though I wouldn’t have batted an eye to these seemingly innocuous comments previously and was a very easy going person.

Has this happened to anyone else? How did you deal with it? AIBU to just want to watch television in peace?!

Oh man, this is totally me. Sexism is so ubiquitous

I think you mean "Oh person"

The relationship is the problem. My ex was pretty much the same. I tried to change things for a couple of years, he wouldn’t meet half way and became abusive if I insisted. Finally I left. My decision. Feminism gave me the strength to leave and know that was ok.

But sexism is everywhere and completely ingrained. A while back I had a male colleague tell me that the gender pay gap was a “minority issue” !

Like that 51% minority who are female.

I have learned to see humour in the absurdity of such views.

Actually, i think of it as a blessing in many ways:

it got me out of an awful relationship and helped me avoid about 5 more awful relationships subsequently.

It's given me the confidence to start an LLM and learn about feminist legal research.

It's enhanced my enjoyment of tv shows like Kimmy Schmidt; Gilmore Girls; The Good Place, Fleabag; Russian Doll etc and made me feel a spiritual connection to many women across the world i'll probably never meet.

It's given me a sense of my own intrinsic worth as a human being and a sense of ownership and pride over my bisexuality.

It's given me the guts to view my family of origin with the necessary detachment to begin to heal from the sexist way I was raised, and to attempt to raise my own kids with a different (hopefully better) ethos.

And probably lots more benefits I can't think of right now.

There are distinct advantages to being an older feminist - 50 years and counting here. We had to deal with being paid less, no maternity leave, little or no childcare, not being able to get a mortgage or finance in our own name, husband’s permission needed to get a coil, I could go on but you get the drift. I can only get angry about the big stuff - male privilege now trying to airbrush women out completely being the main one. I don’t sweat the small stuff any more, it would be too exhausting.

It's not feminism that's ruining your life.

It's common to not appreciate the degree to which women are fucked over by patriarchal society until you have kids (or indeed reach a point where you probably won't have kids).

I can empathise with you. It’s impossible to switch off from it and it make some things hard to enjoy. But I have a young child and I feel like the fight is for her benefit. I’m not going to stop pulling people up for sexism and I’m going to keep battling for diversity in my day job. It’s slow progress but things are happening.

Maybe join your local branch of the women’s equality party and you might be able to find something to channel your anger into that actually reaps some benefits.

Being married to a sexist man is probably a large part of your problem. You cannot escape it when you’re living with it. Your life won’t necessafily be harder forever if you leave him. And imagine the alternative - raising children who learn to behave like him.

I agree with the people who say your marriage is the problem.

Yep. A horrible realisation isn't it.

Yes absolutely me.
I've tried to reign myself in a bit but at my sports club I've got pissed off that men won award based on achievement and females won awards for being helpful/social etc.

It's enhanced my enjoyment of tv shows like Kimmy Schmidt; Gilmore Girls; The Good Place, Fleabag; Russian Doll etc and made me feel a spiritual connection to many women across the world i'll probably never meet.

I don't know what to even think when I read things like that....

Rufflecrow excellent post with good perspective

Feminism didn't ruin your life, it opened your eyes to the reality of living in a patriarchal society. Use your anger to improve your life op. Leave that sexist twat for a start

Feminism has helped my life. I find it empowering to be able to see and name the injustices, to realise that there are universal female experiences under patriarchy but that we can challenge them. Being able to identify the problem is the first step in overcoming it.
As for your DH, draw your red lines and refuse to deviate. Read WifeWork and start to dismantle the inequality at home. Find your self-worth and your boundaries.

I'm not sure how to respond to your post either disorganisedmum - do you not watch tv then?!

Disorganised so you've offered your piece thanks.

If you don't know what to think reading others experience there are literally hundreds of other threads you could post your helpful advice.

Oh and I'm not sure you know but regardless of the sex of the victim the majority of violent crime committed every minute of every day is perpetrated by men. I absolutely agree that our sons can and often are victims. Victims of other men and boys.

I’m personist. I would like the best of everything for everyone.

@Lifecraft 😂 I have no idea why I wrote that.

I know exactly what you mean OP, but I think I prefer this viewpoint. How did I deal with it? I left my sexist, entitled, lazy arse of an ex for starters, and I love my single life. I may one day have a boyfriend or FWB, but I never want to share my home with a male partner again.

For the rest of it, I try to notice it and counteract it, wherever I can, without getting overly obsessive about it. I always say businessperson, workperson, craftsperson, human-made, I never automatically speak about toy or real animals as male, I never assume the pilot, surgeon or boss is male, I never assume the urse is female, I always try to avoid any assumptions - I work on it all the time in a million little ways. I discuss sexism with my DC and teach them to spot it - not in a humourless way, we laugh about it but they are eagle-eyes to it now. I do this with no shame and no judgement - and the more I do it the easier it is and the more people accept it. I work in a media-related career and I do it in my work too.

My life isn't ruined - it's more like I see litter everywhere and I try to pick it up and not drop it. Boring, tiresome, but ultimately hoping to improve things for everyone.

You are angry because you need to get rid of the sexist!!!!

I'm angry when I look around me - but not at home. Because my DH and I are equals - in the shitwork, in the child rearing, everything.

Leave him, it's going to eat you up if you don't.

I am just going to answer the OP. Yes. I wish I had never seen it because once seen, you can't unsee it.

The truth shall set you free, but it takes time and it doesn't come easily.

It sounds like you're struggling with cognitive dissonance, in that you're accepting things in your relationship that you know aren't actually acceptable. It's easier to be angry with feminism in the abstract than to leave your marriage. But you know that already.

Same. But it would be even worse to be one of those stupid women that ignorantly posts about why she 'hates angry feminists' giggle bats eyelashes

Yes, Demelzda, but we live in a world where men are put forward as the default human (see Criado Perez's latest) and will continue to be unless feminists apply pressure for things to be otherwise. Justice for women is a long, drawn out marathon not a quick fix.

grr MN formatting! giggle bats eyelashes

Yes yes yes. I've discovered also men really don't want to listen to it