To be surprised this woman got so cross with my three yr old

[JuniperGinYay]

DD is recently 3, but has good clear speech. She’s small and could be presumed to be 2.

Like many toddlers she’s a bit absolute. We cycled past a woman on a horse in the road, later we saw the same woman at a out door forest cafe.

Dd was sitting with Dd 6 and the woman lent on the next table while her friend saw to the horse, I was getting drinks and in clear sight but not ear shot. Apparently dd3 said ‘horses go in farms, not on the road’ then when the woman disagreed she said ‘yes! Roads are for cars! You scare horse in road!’. Personally I would have just either smiled and wandered off or explained my horse wasn’t scared on the road and was used to it. Instead the woman stomped over and gave me a tirade about what I taught my daughter, her attitude and how I was a ‘presumptuous car driver ‘. Dd was still smiling, now chatting about unicorns and horses to her sister in the same smiley way. I was initially very polite, explained she didn’t actually mean to criticise and just chats away. She’d probably just only seen horses off road or in farm pictures and was basing it on that, not family disapproval of horse riding. I also pointed out we were on bikes. I smiled and all that and tried to be friendly and tone it down, but then she retorted i had no idea how to raise polite children so I also raised my voice and told her to just stay away from the children if she had issue.

I’m still stewing on it today. Bizarre? If she dislikes small children why she even stood so close to a little one (tables scattered out doors in forest area, plenty of space) I don’t know.

I can totally see that little kids read books/see tv shows etc where horses/cows/pigs live on the farm and if they have no experience of people riding on the road then they might say that. I don't think she was parroting anything she had heard.

NB - A lot of horse people are quite brusque and rude - I don't know why the two things go together. And before anyone starts, it's not a class thing, it's a horse thing.

Also the cars scare horses could quite possibly be Mummy lambasting an idiot driver for speeding up to go round the horse - blooming idiots, don't they know they'll scare the poor horse!

It's a massive jump to assume she's parroting what her mum said. She could have seen it in a cartoon, heard it from somewhere else or just invented it herself. Toddlers have no filter. I was the kind of kid who always wanted to please everyone but I distinctly remember telling my aunt that she was too fat because she ate too much. I genuinely thought it was a helpful observation and was really upset when I was told how hurtful it was.

@grumblepants

It is rude to go up to a stranger and offer unsolicited criticism

I would imagine most things that come out of a toddlers mouth are unsolicited!

The number of responses on here, and strength of feeling from some, kind of explains the woman’s reaction to me!

Not many people ride on road here, I’m not sure I’ve ever even driven past a horse with my youngest in the car (there’s Forest bridleways).

To answer a few

• she’s not particularly precocious, normally fairly quiet but she’s always been able to talk well

• woman was doing that horrible cross spitty loud shout thing at me, fog horn voice

-I’m neutral to horses on road, it’s rare here as I said and I’ve never had an issue with a rider/ I don’t drive much

I asked Dd her logic, I hadn’t thought to, she said roads are scary and everyone is scared on roads as cars can squash you. I guess that’s the logic, along with the billion farm puzzles etc

I’m kind of glad I posted, it’s explained the reaction to me- being a city girl for most my life this particular friction has passed me by completely- I see now some people are probably simmering over it a lot

Tbh, it’s so far from the most embarrassing thing my three yr old has ever said. In mum’s way land I guess people aren’t embarrassed by kids, but this is no. 5 for me and in the scale of thing, on my barometer, it barely registered!

Oh for goodness sake, the DD was 3! It goes with the territory.

I'm not saying it doesn't, and if you have a 3-year-old or spend a lot of time with children of that age, that's probably what you'd think.

But this wasn't a territory the horse woman had signed up to enter. She was sitting in a cafe and a random child started saying annoying things to her. I agree her tirade was OTT and unwarranted, but I don't think she can be blamed for being irritated or for not offering a child-friendly explanation; and I don't think children should be encouraged to offer their outspoken opinions to strangers.

She was OTT I agree. Three year olds aren't toddlers though.

The OP didn't encourage her to offer her outspoken opinions to strangers, she was embarrassed about it. Three year olds are so embarrassing sometimes. They have learnt to talk but have no filter.

It's splitting hairs to say that three year olds are not toddlers. There's a big difference between a child just turned three (who would still be a toddler) and a child who is nearly four, who is nearly old enough to start school.

Once they turn three they are no longer toddlers. It isn't splitting hairs.

Are you an expert in child development? Some 3 year olds are very young emotionally and a lot are still in nappies, especially these days.

Unless you're going to tell me you're an expert in child development, I still say you're splitting hairs.

The OP didn't encourage her to offer her outspoken opinions to strangers

The Op is suggesting the woman should have either smiled and wandered off or explained my horse wasn’t scared on the road and was used to it - smiling or engaging in a conversation is giving the message that it's acceptable to walk up to strangers and criticise them; it's therefore encouraging such behaviour.

I studied child development. They are considered to be toddlers until they turn three, regardless of development.

That is from 12 months to 36 months. Once they hit three they aren't toddlers.

Encouraging means to give someone support and confidence in their actions/ promising hope for future success. I could do neither as I was paying for the drinks and not actually present for the brief interaction. @ScreamingValenta you are confusing encouragement and condoning as concepts. Dd doesn’t actually know of my opinion, we didn’t discuss it, she’s three and was oblivious sitting at a table watching the world. Encouragement would be something like ‘oh Dd, look a lady... tell her what you thought about her horse-riding’.

I see her as a toddler as she’s toddler sized and has a toddler waddle. 26 days ago you’d have agreed with the term toddler, so it’s not of huge relevance to the thread really is it- she hasn’t suddenly become school-ready in those 26 days, it’s a gradual transition to the next stage. Also... she is still 36 months, not yet 37 so by that definition....

By stating what I’d have done also doesn’t mean I expect others to do it. I’d have not be surprised if she gave her a blank look/ moved away from the annoyance etc. I just thought spitting phlegm with anger was outside the norm by a loooong way.

This thread as said no to that, she is not isolated in this behaviour and I will probably make a note to keep DD right by my side in future if I see horse riders as this seems prevalent and a hassle to deal with.

People are also missing the bit I tried to be polite, I stated it wasn’t my opinion, Dd comes out with nonsense and she was probably just fascinated by such a gorgeous horse (it was).

Very true, OP. Besides, I doubt the lady asked how old she was, so as far as she was concerned, it really isn't relevant. She would have looked like a toddler if she had a toddler wobble.

I will probably make a note to keep DD right by my side in future if I see horse riders as this seems prevalent and a hassle to deal with.

Please don't, OP. I am a horse rider and I promise you, I am not like this. SOME horse riders are arseholes, just like some drivers are, some cyclists are, some walkers are. Please don't tar us all with the same brush. I love kids who ask questions about my pony or who want to touch him!

Like many of the PPs,my first thought was that your DD was actually just repeating what she'd heard you or her DF saying!

I take your point, @JuniperGinYay and as I said, I think the woman's reaction was vastly out of proportion. My main point was that expecting smiles and a child-friendly explanation of horse riding would be unrealistic in the circumstances.

Your toddler sounds cheeky and annoying, tbh. Perhaps respect might be the next lesson you teach.

Don't bite, OP :)

“She could just as likely have said 'that lady is a poo poo head' - would she be assuming that was your opinion too”

Thanks Betty 😂 that really cheered me up after not the best day.

@ravenmum why would I? Isn’t that a sensible suggestion for her personalised curriculum. She does love PSHE, though I must admit Classics are really her forte.