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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s MY decision as a parent NOT the schools

394 replies

IfeelSoIll · 27/03/2019 12:34

I’m really quite angry
My dd (secondary school) has been unwell quite a bit lately, some very nasty viral illnesses. Been to gp and nothing underlying just bad luck it seems.

Anyway, yet again she returned yesterday feeling grim so had an early night but barely slept this morning throat was horrendously red and sore. Very congested and extremely nasty runny nose.
Generally tired and achy but no temperature.

School have called and told us bring her in. That THEY will keep her there and administer paracetamol and they will decide if she needs to go home. That in future if she’s ill to get her up and send her in and they will then decide.

AIBU to think that it’s cruel to send a visibly very unwell child to school just to prove who makes the decision about whether they are well enough to be in or not ?

OP posts:
ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 27/03/2019 12:46

YANBU at all. She is your daughter and it is your decision.
As an aside I had similar symptoms as a teen, which turned out to be glandular fever, which led to CFS. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, but it is something maybe to bear in mind, as it can be difficult to test for, but present in that way.

Pinnacular · 27/03/2019 12:46

YANBU. And some people wonder why home education is on the rise!

needsleepzzz · 27/03/2019 12:47

WTF?! They are out of order! YOU are the parent, do what you feel is best, sod the school!

chocolatelog · 27/03/2019 12:47

The secondary school here is the same. My son was having time off with viruses. He then got flu just after Christmas and after him having 2 days off for that they called me telling me to send him in and they would make the decision of whether he was well enough to be there or not. I went absolutely bat shit crazy at them and told them where they could go! As if I'm going to send my son to school who at that point couldn't even lift his head of the pillow and send him to school. You wouldn't go to work in that state so why do they think it's ok for a 16 year old. Plus I know what a crucial time this is with their exams ect why would I just keep him off willy nilly!!

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 27/03/2019 12:47

The school have said unless she has a v high temp or d+v they expect her in and they will make the decision not us

Er no, I would not be having that. Write a very firm, very polite email to set out your position. Ask for a meeting if necessary. Your DDs attendance is low, and sometimes that is indicative of something wrong but the school's attitude is clearly not about her welfare but their figures.

IvanaPee · 27/03/2019 12:48

The reason schools behave like this is because they are under the kosh to improve attendance across the board against utterly unrealistic targets and simultaneously, a whole bunch of feckless and/or entitled parents take the piss.

Surely schools need to push back on unrealistic standards, as PP said, rather than drag sick children into schools?

Original poster
IfeelSoIll · 27/03/2019 12:48

They called at about 10 am
I said no we won’t be bringing her in. That she will return when we think she is well enough

OP posts:
Babooshkar · 27/03/2019 12:48

I had a similar bout of illness like this last year and it turns out I had bad allergies causing my throat to be extremely sore and due to the constant congestion I wasn’t sleeping well either so felt utterly rubbish. I started anti-histamines and steroid nasal sprays and felt so much better after a few days.

Slazengerbag · 27/03/2019 12:49

The EWO won’t do anything anyway. Once you tell them that she has had drs and bloods etc (which the drs can confirm) they will just let you get on with it. They are more concerned about those who don’t go to school for weeks at a time for no apparent reason.

As for the school tell them under no circumstances are you bringing her in. It is not their decision to make. You are the parent with legal guardianship of her and it is up to you to make that decision.

Original poster
IfeelSoIll · 27/03/2019 12:49

GP have said they do not issue letters routinely for verification of illness and if they do there’s a charge of £25

OP posts:
ijustdontunderstandher · 27/03/2019 12:57

I can’t believe the school! They’re really overstepping boundaries, why do they think they’re better at detecting an illness than a child’s parents?. The EWO won’t do much, as long as you have proof that you have been seeking help. I had extremely bad attendance at school due to mental health and stomach issues, and after they had the proof of the help we were seeking and getting they put things in place to make attending school easier for me. There main aim is to get your DD to attend school, not to punish her, so they may do things like a collapsed time table or put her in a quiet room if she’s well enough to attend school but still isn’t feeling her best. I’d actually talk to the EWO yourself and discuss the best plan going forward for your DD if her illness looks like an ongoing issue

AllMYSmellySocks · 27/03/2019 12:58

I think this is one of this difficult situations. Basically there are lots of parents who keep their kids home with every cold they pick up. This will have a massive negative impact on their education especially as it's bound to happen year or year. Obviously it's unpleasant to take lemsip and drag yourself in when you're tired and achey but it should really be done. Sometimes a kick up the arse might change the parents mind.

At the same time your DC might just be unlucky and have a string of bad bugs where she has a temperature and is too ill to go in. In which case you don't want to be nagged by the school or have to drag in a kid with a raging temperature.

ruralliving19 · 27/03/2019 13:00

Part of my role when I worked in SEN was to try to get children who had missed a lot of school back to school. I'd never have said anything like that though. We might have asked to call round and have a chat - if the child was clearly ill, we would have backed off. Most of the cases I was involved with were around anxiety but we did have one case of fabricated illness. We would offer graduated return to school, tuition at home for a period of time, all sorts. I don't understand this school's approach!

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 27/03/2019 13:01

I’d just say “don’t be silly” and carry on with my day.

TrickyD · 27/03/2019 13:01

I am not surprised the school is concerned. Day off for a blood test? Come on.

PregnantSea · 27/03/2019 13:02

Your Dd's attendance is really low, no wonder they are concerned. They are probably tearing their hair out trying to figure out how to improve the situation.

However they can't force you to bring her in when she's ill, and administer medication to her, that's bat shit crazy. As a PP said get them to submit that to you in writing and then take professional advice on it.

I think you should take her to the doctor when she is sick though, because otherwise you will be unable to prove her illness and at 89% attendance you're going to need to start providing proof.

Original poster
IfeelSoIll · 27/03/2019 13:03

It was only 1.5 hours late after the blood test

OP posts:
Original poster
IfeelSoIll · 27/03/2019 13:05

The GP has told us they will not give an appt if the sole purpose is verifying illness for school that they will only see her if we are concerned genuinely and not for any attendance reasons as it takes up a valuable appt

OP posts:
TheSheepofWallSt · 27/03/2019 13:07

@IfeelSoIll

I would suggest to the school that insisting rather sick children attend will not do much to improve overall attendance, as they’ll only pass on whatever they have.

And ask if they’ve taken medical advice on their max guidelines.

JugglingMummyof2 · 27/03/2019 13:08

Few things we need to know to judge really. What year is she in? What was her attendance like in previous years? Is the 89% attendance including the day she is missing today or will that push it even lower?

Original poster
IfeelSoIll · 27/03/2019 13:10

Year 7. She’s 12
I’m unsure if today will lower it further as I was just told 89%

OP posts:
Chloemol · 27/03/2019 13:10

I would send a formal letter to the school advising that you have formal guardianship of your child, and that you will decide if your child is to attend school. I would also add that if they wish you to send your daughter to school and they will decide if she is ill or not then you would like to understand what medical qualifications they have to do that, and would only be prepared to accept someone’s opinion who is a fully qualified doctor. Could you go to your dr and get a formal letter from him on your child illnesses and the tests she has had etc

Original poster
IfeelSoIll · 27/03/2019 13:11

Sep-Nov attendance was fine then beg of Dec had a v nasty throat infection and it’s been non stop since then

OP posts:
AhhhHereItGoes · 27/03/2019 13:12

These bouts of illnesses can happen to anyone.

DD1 had 100% attendance until the beginning of last week, but as she had 4 days off with viral tonsillitis it's probably about 98/97% now.

With 2/3 of those youvan rasily gwt below 90.

I find some of the targets with absences really daft. I'd take more interest in the absences if the child isn't catching up with work. If they're doing extra/bringing it home especially in primary I don't see the issue.

I had quite a crap attendance record one year and I still did well as I took the initiative to do the work I missed.

TatianaLarina · 27/03/2019 13:12

They sent a letter a few months ago about illness just that in life you have to basically push through sometimes and they expect pupils in

A good recipe for developing post-viral syndrome or CFS.

They’re not medically trained, they’re way overstepping their remit, presumably they’re worried about attendance stats.

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