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AIBU?

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Original poster

It’s MY decision as a parent NOT the schools

394 replies

IfeelSoIll · 27/03/2019 12:34

I’m really quite angry
My dd (secondary school) has been unwell quite a bit lately, some very nasty viral illnesses. Been to gp and nothing underlying just bad luck it seems.

Anyway, yet again she returned yesterday feeling grim so had an early night but barely slept this morning throat was horrendously red and sore. Very congested and extremely nasty runny nose.
Generally tired and achy but no temperature.

School have called and told us bring her in. That THEY will keep her there and administer paracetamol and they will decide if she needs to go home. That in future if she’s ill to get her up and send her in and they will then decide.

AIBU to think that it’s cruel to send a visibly very unwell child to school just to prove who makes the decision about whether they are well enough to be in or not ?

OP posts:
MondayTuesdayWednesday · 27/03/2019 14:31

This is truly shocking.

Maybe if there was more focus on the bigger picture and actual education rather than this type of thing the education system wouldn't be so poor in general.

It's all about meeting targets and numbers rather than looking at the individual child.

No one can say that just because a child missed some school when they were 12 that this will impact on their exams. It depends on a lot of factors. If they come from a loving, supportive home and are genuinely ill they will still do well.

HeartShapedLocket · 27/03/2019 14:31

I guess a lot of schools would just be concerned that a child is missing too much school though and will be missing out on large chunks of study. That's the real point, whether people think it's just for attendance records or not. Sometimes with a cold you do just have to push through otherwise you'll miss stuff and never really catch up. Obviously there's a difference between a cold and a cold with a fever, wobbly legs, up all night spluttering etc. Some parents would encourage their kids to stay off for a cold or a sore throat or a bit of a cough because technically they're poorly or not 100% well but in reality they could attend with a pocket of tissues and some paracetamol.

CoastalWave · 27/03/2019 14:33

I think they've overstepped the mark..

But I would also say, your child's absence is terrible for a child that doesn't have serious health issues. One cold/virus after another is not really reason to keep her off. If she keeps doing that all the way through school and then into work, she'l be fired within 6 months !

A couple of bouts of nasty illness lasting 4-5 days each isn't a concern. 2 days off all the time and lots of days missing for blood tests (go out of hours??!) is frankly a bit daft.

She clearly needs her immune system building up, taking some vitamins, fresh air and a stronger approach to life in general.

corythatwas · 27/03/2019 14:34

I am so glad I work at a university and not a school. Here it is our job to support students and understand that not everybody's health is the same. When I think about what my chronically ill dd went through in primary school and how they kept telling her that she would never cope with life in secondary and HE (she's doing fine, thank you!) and then think about how much work I put in every day to support my students- I'm bloody glad I'm here and not there. I wouldn't want to be the person who causes somebody flashbacks and self-harm years after they last set eyes on me. And I think I can honestly say I have never been that person.

BatFace1 · 27/03/2019 14:35

On the one hand, of course you are not being unreasonable. However, on the other hand, 89% is low attendance and she is at risk of slipping far behind so I can see why they're concerned here. They're being a bit heavy handed that's for sure and no, you can't send an unwell child in so hopefully you'll get to the bottom of what's wrong with her.

Do you have form for keeping her off when she could actually go in? If not and this is a genuine, unfortunate series of illnesses then YANBU but I see why they're concerned

Pinkbells · 27/03/2019 14:36

You're her parent, she should be at home resting with you, not having the school insist they look after her while she's ill! That's outrageous.

recklessgran · 27/03/2019 14:37

It's a big FUCK OFF from me along with an official complaint sent to HT with Govenors and County Council copied in.
And I would keep her off for the rest of the week to give her a proper chance to recover. I've never heard anything like it.

corythatwas · 27/03/2019 14:38

"But I would also say, your child's absence is terrible for a child that doesn't have serious health issues. One cold/virus after another is not really reason to keep her off. If she keeps doing that all the way through school and then into work, she'l be fired within 6 months !"

We have had a colleague signed off for 3 months last semester. He is not going to get fired. And absolutely nobody told him he needed a more robust approach to life.

Dd is never going to get as strong and robust as other people: she has a genetic disorder. But she has held down jobs very successfully and is now in a highly demanding and competitive form of HE. And nowhere has she found such a complete lack of understanding or support as at her primary school. They kept telling her (a frightened 10yo child!) that things would keep on getting worse and people would be more angry with her later. It never happened. But she didn't know that. So she tried to kill herself.

cordeliavorkosigan · 27/03/2019 14:39

I guess UK schools should start wards, complete with beds and with nursing staff . Then parents could send their dc in when they were ill! As long as they were kept apart enough not to infect each other, and there were qualified staff, everyone's happy!
Perhaps the attendance fanatics would like to fund this. Each group of say 3 schools could have a doctor who made the rounds daily to ensure good care.

IvanaPee · 27/03/2019 14:42

I think people are naive at best to assume that schools give a shiny shite about your child.

All they care about is attendance records. It’s fucking ridiculous.

BlueSky123456 · 27/03/2019 14:44

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HJWT · 27/03/2019 14:45

@IfeelSoIll next time they ring say 'Did you lay down with her dad to make her?' pause 'Did you push her out of your vagina?' Pause 'Did you stay up all night to feed her?' IF THE ANSWER IS NO TO ALL 3 QUESTIONS THEN I THINK WE BOTH KNOW I AM THE BEST PERSON TO DECIDE IF MY CHILD IS WELL ENOUGH FOR SCHOOL
😁😁😁😁😁😁😁

IvanaPee · 27/03/2019 14:47

@BlueSky what’s it like being married to a dictator?!

Who does he think he is, seriously?? He’d treat me/my child like that once I can assure you.

Who knew Stalin was a secondary school teacher?!!

BatFace1 · 27/03/2019 14:49

@BlueSky123456 yes I think I agree with that. I tell my 13 year old that he goes to school at all times unless he has a high temperature or sickness and diarrhoea. He is an inhaler dependant asthmatic with multiple allergies requiring steroids and his attendance is 100%. I'd not hesitate to keep him off if I felt it necessary but sometimes you do have to dose them up and send them in.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 27/03/2019 14:50

@BlueSky123456 seriously? You can’t absolve yourself of responsibility just because your child is in the care of someone else. Your husband is total bellend if he thinks he knows better than a child’s parent where they should be.

ThatFalseEquivalenceTho · 27/03/2019 14:52

I’ve had similar with DD recently. Her attendance is 80%. Which is horrific - BUT - we moved cities in June. It took the council till mid October to get her a school place.

She had 3 days off as she woke up with a mouth full - and I mean full - of ulcers. She has ASD and so I had to get a friend to go out and spend about £60 on various things (anbasol, gel, spray etc) to find one that she could use due to sensory issues. Once they were under control and she was pain free, she happily went back to school.

Those 3 days triggered a letter demanding a meeting and threatening EWO.

I politely sent them a letter reminding them that they were counting her attendance from September and they knew full well the reason she didn’t start till mid October was because the council took so long to allocate a school. I included photos of her mouth in the email and reminded them that as her parent I will decide what is too poorly for school, and that as a single parent who is at University 9-5 Mon-Fri I do not allow my DC to have days off for the sniffles as it massively impacts my studies as well as theirs.

Pissed me right off tbh.

mbosnz · 27/03/2019 14:52

NOPE- by choosing to send your DD to a school, you're agreeing to abide by their rules and policies. That includes attendance. If the school tells you to send her in, you send her in.

Um, nope, sorry. I will not send a kid into school who is in my opinion too sick for school. I do not enable being off school for nothing, but if they meet my criteria and judgment for being too sick for school, that's my call as the person who is on the ground and has known them from birth, and knows their entire life and health history, to make.

And the school can fold that until it's all sharp corners, stick it up it's jacksie, and slowly damned well rotate.

CanILeavenowplease · 27/03/2019 14:55

All they care about is attendance records. It’s fucking ridiculous

It's simply not true. But then if you look at the hoops schools have to jump through to be considered 'good' then you would begin to understand.

And as previously said, children with low attendance (and 89% is low whether you like it or not) ring alarm bells. If the parent refuses to engage with why a child is off frequently, even more alarm bells start ringing. Would you rather schools followed that up or ignored it?

TORDEVAN · 27/03/2019 14:56

I think the school is being unreasonable. In all the places I've worked I'd have never been treated like that. Sustained/regular absence would have to be explained, but if they could see it was genuine they would never get as militant/controlling as that sounds.

In my current place of work we support that people don't come in when they have any kind of cold Grin one person out for a couple of days has a lot lower impact than that cold spreading progressively round the office (and families of the office workers) and everyone having a rough time/needing time off.

I think the school system in general isn't very good for "life preparation". I was told all the way through it's "preparing you for xyz/working life", when the reality is that I have yet to be in a job anything like school was. (Never yet had homework or taken yearly exams at work!! Everything fits into my pre-arranged work day and exams are as and when necessary, not all shoved into one short period up to a year after I've learnt something).

frogsoup · 27/03/2019 14:57

Your husband's schools' budget must be looking interesting if he routinely permanently excludes children for a day of non-attendance, or because their parents refuse to dance to his tune. If a school headmaster tried to threaten exclusion because I refused to send my ill child in, trust me that he would live to regret it. But then I'm articulate, educated and have access to the full middle-class panoply of ways of challenging bureaucratic overreach. It is beyond awful that it is parents who are already struggling who will feel they have no choice but to submit to these insane dictats from tinpot little Stalins.

frogsoup · 27/03/2019 14:57

(that was to bluesky btw)

67chevvyimpala · 27/03/2019 14:59

Well said frog

BlueSky123456 · 27/03/2019 15:02

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IvanaPee · 27/03/2019 15:03

It's simply not true. But then if you look at the hoops schools have to jump through to be considered 'good' then you would begin to understand.

Attendance being one of the demands they need to meet? So yeah. They care more about attendance than they do about the individual child.

ScrewyMcScrewup · 27/03/2019 15:04

It's simply not true. But then if you look at the hoops schools have to jump through to be considered 'good' then you would begin to understand.

I understand the hoops. It doesn't excuse what the school is doing here. It's up to schools to push back against the unreasonable demands, not push them on to sick children and their parents.