To be livid with DD for hurting DDog

[HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed]

DD is 11. Tonight we were at the park with our dog. There's a slide that's on a hill so it doesn't have steps up to it. She was standing at the top and about to throw DDogs ball when DDog knocked it out of her hands and it rolled down the slide. DDog jumped on the slide without thinking and went sliding down after it, pretty gracefully actually. DD thought it was hilarious but I told her to keep DDog and the ball away from it as DDog had been lucky not to get hurt.

Half hour later I'm across the park pushing DS on the swings and I see DD drop the ball down the slide. DDog goes to run away from the top of the slide and down the hill alongside it but DD blocks DDog so DDog slips down backwards and twists halfway down (it's not a straight slide.) Again, DD is in hysterics.

When I tell her off she says she didn't mean to and that it was an accident. Her sister backs up what I saw - that she dropped it and blocked DDog deliberately. As I was putting the DC to bed I saw that DDog isn't bearing weight on one of her legs and told DD so. She said "fine, I'm sorry" and stroked DDog. AIBU to think that doesn't cut it and to be absolutely livid? She messaged her dad about it who messaged me saying she's done nothing wrong

Id be absolutely raging if my ds hurt our ddogs like that when he was older. That is a really nasty thing to do

If be beyond livid.

I just caught ds chasing one of the chickens with a stick (not sure if he was intending to hit it or not) and have absolutely ripped him a new one. He's not watching the film I'd said we'd all watch tonight and not getting a toy when we're in town tomorrow. He's five.

I agree with a PP who mentioned ASD. My DS is autistic, and would respond in similar ways to that. Have a look at pathalogical demand avoidance (PDA) too.

When did you and her dad split up?

Sorry GummyGoddess.!

Oh crikey OP. I had not realised that you are the same person who posted about a friend fearing for her own DD’s safety and not wanting to have any further play dates with your other DD calling her an inappropriate medical term. I was unaware that this was the same child that took released the brakes of the baby’s wheelchair, who jumps on the dog, who bites you and that you have to ensure that the dog is not left alone with your DD. This is really not about piling on you when you are understandably at breaking point with so much going on. But these are massive safe-guarding issues for your baby, dog, from the almost 4-year old but in turn also the oldest DD. XH’s actions are making things worse on top of it all. However, I wonder if besides perhaps yet undiagnosed issues, your younger child does perhaps copy the behaviour of your oldest DD? Nowadays we are more inclined to explore potential ASD etc but alongside of it, it may also be a case of the younger siblings emulating the behaviour of the oldest DD who in turn may be acting out over the constant issues with your XH. I am no therapist but I can imagine that oldest DD is at an age where she will be aware of a lot more than you have perhaps realised and is acting up and out over it.

@pinkgloves when my DD was 3 she hit one of our chickens with a bamboo garden stake, after we took the chicken to the vets I put the chicken in a cage in her room, explained that she had badly hurt the chicken and she was now responsible for caring for the chicken until it was better, which she did.

She is now 6 and hasn't done it since, I think for situations like this it is important to not just punish the child but to teach empathy and care towards the animal, punishment just results in them doing things when your back is turned if they are that way inclined, even if they do stop the behaviour they are doing it because an external source said not to, much better to get them to internally feel that what they did was wrong.

Obviously the age of your child makes a difference but unless I missed it I don't think you said how old he was so I am assuming he is quite young.

@pinkgloves, oh sorry, I see you said right at the end that he is five, not sure how I missed that sorry.

My niece has high functioning autism and a lot of the things that you're mentioning remind me very much of her behaviour.

It may be worth getting an appt with your GP to discuss your concerns and to ask to see a paediatrician about a possible dx.

Like I've said upthread, I've wondered about HFA before and spoken to the GP but they won't refer as school have no concerns. It's really not as simple as just asking for a referral and getting one.

Jesus op I'm much more concerned about the canal incident than the dog one (though that was bad enough). Your daughter sounds very very immature and needs firm boundaries putting in place NOW! It won't be helping her that her pathetic father babyfies her and tells her that everything she does is ok,but it's up to you as her main carer to rectify her behaviour before someone or something gets seriously hurt. How do you punish her for her defiance and recklessness?

You need to speak to someone like sendidas and banardos, they both support parents with kids with suspected HFA in the home and out. I would also be filming her meltdowns and showing the gp. Another one to speak to is the NSPCC, they're not just there for child abuse, they have specialist teams that help with kids with issues like this when the gp wouldnt help. Also look on fb for anything called 'SEN support for (your area)" eg. Mine is called SEN support for n.e.lincs. List every single little incident when you speak to the nspcc, sendidas and banardos. Ask for the 'self care' course with the NSPCC. They will help.

All of those groups will be able to support you in finding out what is going on with her, behaviour management techniques, and how to support her if she does have HFA (the voice of a lot of experience)

I completely understand how hard it is to get a full diganosis, it's not as easy as some posters think to rock up to a gp and get referred.

I didn’t think you needed concerns from school for a GP to refer you. Don’t many children mask at school, then fall apart at home?
Have you told the GP everything that she does that you have put on your various threads here? I would have thought the canal incident would have rung alarm bells. Have you told school what she is like, maybe they can help with the referral?

Yes, unfortunately, you do tend to need support from school with gp referrals unless its something like a blindly obvious delay. Most gps are reluctant to refer, we actually have a SEND crisis at the minute because people are struggling to get diganosises for their kids

Firstly you only recently split from her dad. This must of upset her?

Secondly, her dad is defending her actions, which must be confusing for her. Boundaries are blurred, you need to speak to your ex. You cannot expect her to take responsibility for her actions, when her dad is telling her it’s not her fault.

She's always struggled to have foresight but at least looked remorseful in the past. It's the 'not my fault' attitude and arguing the opposite of whatever I say that is getting to me.

I agree that is what is worrying. And she's obviously not concerned or she wouldn't be trying to get her dad to back her up.

I'd suggest lots of talking and quiet disappointment rather than anger. Trying to get her to express how she thinks the dog feels and how her sister felt in the canal incident etc. That you don't say something just for the sake of it but you know from your years of experience what could go wrong etc. That you love her so much that you want to keep her safe etc so she must listen in future etc.