To be livid with DD for hurting DDog

[HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed]

DD is 11. Tonight we were at the park with our dog. There's a slide that's on a hill so it doesn't have steps up to it. She was standing at the top and about to throw DDogs ball when DDog knocked it out of her hands and it rolled down the slide. DDog jumped on the slide without thinking and went sliding down after it, pretty gracefully actually. DD thought it was hilarious but I told her to keep DDog and the ball away from it as DDog had been lucky not to get hurt.

Half hour later I'm across the park pushing DS on the swings and I see DD drop the ball down the slide. DDog goes to run away from the top of the slide and down the hill alongside it but DD blocks DDog so DDog slips down backwards and twists halfway down (it's not a straight slide.) Again, DD is in hysterics.

When I tell her off she says she didn't mean to and that it was an accident. Her sister backs up what I saw - that she dropped it and blocked DDog deliberately. As I was putting the DC to bed I saw that DDog isn't bearing weight on one of her legs and told DD so. She said "fine, I'm sorry" and stroked DDog. AIBU to think that doesn't cut it and to be absolutely livid? She messaged her dad about it who messaged me saying she's done nothing wrong

Pesky I have wondered about ASD a few times over the years as she takes everything very literally and has very extreme and dramatic reactions. However her dad dismisses the idea - he just appeases her as she's there so infrequently. For example, she refuses to go to bed at his house if he's not upstairs too so he pretends to go to bed. Her teachers don't have any concerns.

I would be furious about the slide incident, it’s not harmless fun and she’s an age she should have an awareness and much more empathy and care towards animals.

I would be frightened by the canal incident. Any older siblings I know (and we’re talking much younger than 11!) are so cautious about their siblings they’d be guiding them away from any potential dangers not guiding her towards them.

How is she aside from these incidents?

Her dad and I are separated and he backed her up after she told him about the canal incident too

Jeezus.
You are having to cope with an awful lot here without being undermined by your XH, who sounds a right prat.
Sounds like he is just taking the path of least resistance, & being Fun Dad who does not ask DD to take responsibility cos it might be a pain in the arse for him.

You need some real life support as well OP.
Best case scenario is that your DD is simply a little behind in accruing empathy. But after hearing about these 2 events - you might benefit from some reassurance & professional back up.

Good luck, & so sorry that you are having to manage these worries.
xx

She quite enjoys causing hurt to other people/dogs, doesn't she? Fucking hell Singlenotsingle what a horrible thing to say based on one thread. You don't know this child.

HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed are you going to stick up for your child at all? There are some helpful posts on here, but are you quite happy for some people to assume your dd is destined to be a serial killer??

I think these incidents are pretty indefensible to be honest, cakedup.

Oh come on, it's not 'indefensible' to think it would be funny to see a dog go down a slide. It's just thoughtless.

You sound very detached from your DD.

OP you ar having to cope with a lot unsupported by your DC’s father. Do seek help with DD1’s behaviour, which does not appears within normal limits for her age. Meanwhile do monitor for her around your younger 2 and Ddog

I actually think the dog incident isn’t that big a deal. Obviously it sucks that the dog got hurt. But she’s 11 and she thought the dog going down the slide was funny 🤷🏻‍♀️ Kids do daft shit like that.

Canal incident is quite alarming though.

It would be 'just thoughtless' if I hadn't just explicitly told her DDog could easily have got seriously hurt on the slide the first time. To do it again on purpose after being told that is indefensible, IMO.

I’m sorry, but with the canal she behaved really dangerously. I’m just wondering if she S feeling that she doesn’t get enough of your attention now with the 2 little ones and the dog.. I think you need to be really careful not to lean on her for help, and find a way to make time for the 2 of you. Know how difficult that is but I think she’s needing you, and I’m wondering if that’s what her father thinks. You could ask him?

11 year olds do some stupid things. The dog & the slide I can see just being stupidity. It happened once, the dog was fine...as far as she’s concerned what you’re saying is daft and spoiling her fun, so she does it again when you’re at a distance. Stupid. Frustrating. But not unknown for an 11yo.

What you wrote about the canal is chilling, however, I do think that’s partly the way you wrote it.

Girls do mask very well and children with HFA can hold it together all day while at school then release when they get home, so school often don’t see any of the behaviour. I’d pay for a private assessment.

I would not let her out of my sight with her siblings or the dog for a while.

Helen is this the same DD whose shit of a father refuses to let her do weekend activities, while spending half the weekend doing his own hobbies, and allowing his other DD to do hers?

I think some of these responses are way OTT. She didn't deliberately set out to hurt the dog and she didn't push her sister into the canal. She was just thoughtless, as kids often are. I think she probably finds it hard to face up to the consequences of her actions hence her denial

She needs to learn to accept responsability for her actions and to understand that you are not just trying to spoil her fun when you tell her not to do something.

But I might be wrong, hopefully not.

So you think she was trying to drown her sister in the canal do you? Don't be silly.

She just sounds a bit immature. But there's something about your attitude to her that is off. If anyone suggested my child was a psychopath and compared them to a serial killer I'd be defending them like crazy but you don't seem fussed. If you hadn't said DD I'd have guessed step child. Why are you so detached from her? Do you have a new partner and children with him and they feel more important?

Both these incidents are worrying. She clearly has no respect for your boundaries (her dad's influence probably, sadly), and her laughing at the dog is chilling. The canal incident is very scary, as she defied you and must have known that what she was doing was very dangerous for her little sister.

She shouldn't be trusted on her own with her younger sister, as she can't be trusted not to put her in danger. Same with your dog.

On a more positive note, my DD1 (10 this week) has always been very jealous of DD2 (7). They're both adopted and are full birth siblings. DD1 used to regularly hurt DD2, and me, and appeared to really lack empathy. She's also always come across as very self-centred.

She's now having trauma based therapy. I am seeing some encouraging results; it was improving before the therapy started tbh. I do see empathy in her now. At one time, if ever her little sister got hurt, she used to be completely unconcerned about it, she would invent an injury or pain of some sort. But she's learning. And her love for her sister is clearly there.

You do need to look for positives, not focus totally on the negative, which you seem to be doing. (I was guilty of this with my DD1.)

I'm so sorry about your dog, and I understand why it would be so upsetting, good to see that you will be taking them to a vet. Injuries like this can flare up later or cause further problems. But it sounds as if you realise this.

It's clear that your daughter is either unable to process the consequences of her actions or is acting out in some way. I know there are some posters on here that are saying to let it go. But what if she does something similar to another child at school or someone else's pet? The consequences for them and for her could be very serious. Perhaps you could speak to her GP about this, as well as to the school, if not addressed this behaviour could escalate. It would also be useful to explore if she is acting out in general or trying to goad you, for whatever reason, it may be linked to your separation. None of which should be an excuse for your child's behaviour but unless someone can get to the bottom of this then it could continue or escalate. 11 is a decent age, old enough to know right from wrong, and old enough to be held responsible for her actions. In any case it would obviously not be healthy for your younger child if this continues as they may be affected/intimidated by their older sibling's behaviour. I personally would not leave her with either her sibling or your dog without supervision until her conduct has been assessed.

OP you've posted before about concerns around your DD's behaviour, it sounds like a stressful situation - can you ask your health visitor for help? Or how about friends or family members are they supportive?

She was responsible for your 4 year old falling in the canal and you lead with the fact she hurt your dog?

You're getting goady responses from Cakedup and Wannabe. There's immature behaviour and then there is behaviour that demonstrates lack of empathy or ability to empathise with others they've hurt.

I hadn't realised till PP mentioned that this is the same OP who posted about DD not getting to do her activities because of her dad's uncooperative behaviour.

Did you have a previous post where you also have concerns about your other daughter letting a brake off of a pushchair when next to the road? If so, there does seem to be a lot going on in your life at the moment. In the kindest possible way, do you think you might need a little bit of help?

So what was her punishment for defying you Re the 4 yo and the canal? She could have died OP.

I think in addition to anything else you need to talk to her about this recklessness with other people's safety and how easily the 4 yo could have drown and the dog could have broken his back and be put down. Do not sugar coat it

"her concern for herself is way above her concern for anyone else"

If that's the case then I think you need to very clearly link her behaviour to the consequence it gets. If it's paying the vet bill for Ddog, I'd put the amount on the fridge then do a running tally deducting her pocket money from the bill until it is paid. Normally I wouldn't suggest making the child pay the vet bill - accidents happen after all - but if it is the only way for her to understand the consequence of her actions (because it impacts her), then I'd do it.

Psychopathy??????

OP your posting history is really worrying. You sound utterly overloaded and not coping. That is not an attack on you, it's the opposite. You have got a lot on your plate. You need help, you need a break. Is there anyone irl you can turn to? Is there any weekend childcare and dogcare you could access for a while to give yourself a break from all caring responsibilities?

You can turn this all around, but you need real life support.