To be livid with DD for hurting DDog

[HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed]

DD is 11. Tonight we were at the park with our dog. There's a slide that's on a hill so it doesn't have steps up to it. She was standing at the top and about to throw DDogs ball when DDog knocked it out of her hands and it rolled down the slide. DDog jumped on the slide without thinking and went sliding down after it, pretty gracefully actually. DD thought it was hilarious but I told her to keep DDog and the ball away from it as DDog had been lucky not to get hurt.

Half hour later I'm across the park pushing DS on the swings and I see DD drop the ball down the slide. DDog goes to run away from the top of the slide and down the hill alongside it but DD blocks DDog so DDog slips down backwards and twists halfway down (it's not a straight slide.) Again, DD is in hysterics.

When I tell her off she says she didn't mean to and that it was an accident. Her sister backs up what I saw - that she dropped it and blocked DDog deliberately. As I was putting the DC to bed I saw that DDog isn't bearing weight on one of her legs and told DD so. She said "fine, I'm sorry" and stroked DDog. AIBU to think that doesn't cut it and to be absolutely livid? She messaged her dad about it who messaged me saying she's done nothing wrong

It sounds a bot like the fact that her parents are not on the same page with regards to acceptable behaviour is not helping these problems.

Seeing as the dog actually went down the slide safely the first time I doubt she believed you when you told her not to do it as Ddog might get hurt, same with the canal, they had safely played down there and she didn't take you seriously when you said they might fall in.

What worries me is her refusal to do as told in the first place and then the subsequent response to the situations that occurred if they weren't just a defensive 'It's not my fault'. Do you think she actually felt remorseful? Do you think she felt remorseful until her father confirmed that she didn't do anything wrong?

Is DD4 to the same father? I only ask as I find it odd that regardless of the relationship that the two of you have I would think he would be upset that DD4 fell in the canal due to DD11 refusing to listen.

At any rate, even if takes some mediation or counselling the two of you need a joint parenting plan so your DD is not playing you off each other, it's not good for her and teaching her to push boundaries as she doesn't actually know where they lie.

You need to talk to your GP and get therapy for DD ASAP. If you can afford to go private, please skip the GP referral.

Something is wrong here and it needs immediate attention from a professional therapist/psychologist or even psychiatrist.

Do not try to deal with it using normal punishments.

For a child her age, play therapy might be useful as a starting point:

www.bapt.info/
British Association of Play Therapists site.
There is a link where you can find a PT in your area.

Your child seems to be a sociopath op. I’d be getting some help here.

Poor dog, my 12 year old would be devastated if he accidentally hurt our dog. Also the canal incident makes me think you have a serious problem with your DD. Get help now for her!

With all the best will the world, I think that If your exhusband is fine with her behaviour-let him have her. Sometimes people need to live through situations before they actually perceive the larger long terms problems, this type of behaviour causes. Maybe suggest he has her for the full summer holidays? I know it might sound drastic but you both need to be on the same page, for the sake of your daughter.

Jesus. Don't know if I can actually write what I truly feel about your dd. I wouldn't leave her alone with your youngest, the dog or any other living creature.

@Decormad38 😡 what an awful thing to say about a child. How could YOU possibly know if they are / could be a sociopath? And just horrible to say that to OP.

OP the issues are concerning, for sure. I think an initial chat with GP and to see if there are some support services available, would be worth it. X

She's certainly not a psychopath or sociopath She's very immature and like PP have said - saw the dog be ok once, didn't see why not again. Usually they go close to the water at the canal, didn't see why they shouldn't that time. She does look like she thinks 'oh shit, I should've listened' when things go wrong, but her defence mechanism is self defence and her dad backs that up.

Helen, you need to take your daughter to your GP asap to be referred to CAMHS. It sounds as though she may have high functioning ASD. Girls are much more difficult to diagnose but from what you have written, I suspect that this is the reason. In the meantime, she needs constant supervision around younger children and animals. Big hugs to you x

Her DF doesn't sound much use.
My DH lacks empathy, he isn't nasty but things don't compute with him that do with me. And he totally follows his own, imv, 'me first' path in life. He doesn't hurt animals though. And he doesn't care much what people think of him, unless they are someone wealthy he looks up to, so as I said follows his own path without caring about others opinions.
Is her DF like my DH and it is that she has similar traits?
Also I would check she isn't feeling less loved than her DCs or something like that so she has a 'no one cares about me' attitude so does as she pleases.

I'm in agreement with Preggosauras.

You definitely need some support.

Could she be acting out because of things that have been happening with your younger DD?

Another one saying she needs to be assessed.

sounds like she needs your one to one attention.

Based on you posting history, I agree with PP, you need some support. It seems like you have a lot on your plate right now.

In your other post about the park (and someone calling your other child a psychopath?!) you mentioned she has HFA? Why haven't you said about her diagnosis here, surely is relavent.

I'm sure she didn't intentionally set out to hurt dog, but it happened, and she does need to realise there are consequences to impulsive stupid behaviour.
Personally, I'd be inclined to take dog for a vet check up, even if he now seems fine, taking daughter with me, so she can see the consequences, and the cost of the appointment comes from her in the form of cancelled pocket money, a cancelled treat, or similar.

It's nearly Easter holidays, so now is the perfect time to say "well, we were going to go to Alton Towers, but now that money has been spent on Dog, so..." She's old enough to appreciate and remember this lesson for a long time to come.

you mentioned she has HFA

I think the OP has 4 kids; I think the one in between the 11-year-old and the 4-year-old is the one with the diagnosis.

"well, we were going to go to Alton Towers, but now that money has been spent on Dog, so..."

But if she's not inclined to accept blame for her actions, wouldn't you be worried she'd blame dog for missing out and take it out on him?

I hope your dog is ok this morning.

Op.... I was thinking that it was a stupid thing to disobey you about the dog but to disobey you in a way your other kid ends up in a canal....

I think you are very lucky you saw her do that to the dog, as it should teach you that you need to keep an eye on your DD as she is not... totally safe (sorry) if she doesn’t care others are hurt even when she is seeing what she caused.

WRT her dad... bear in mind that you do not need his approval to discipline your kids and given his reactions, his support. In fact, you don’t even know if he is supporting your kid against you because you don’t talk to him and your DD is prone to lies.

The same way that children are perfectly happy to obey rules in school they disobey at home and visceversa, the best way to deal with a kid playing you up with the rules is to say “right, but this is mummy’s house and in this house we follow mummy’s rules” and follow through. She can follow “daddy’s rules” when she is with him, otherwise you are looking forward to a very troubled teenager over whom you will have no control or influence.

Surely you need to look at the emotional behind it as coming down heavy handed alone may make it worse. What do school say about her? Does she have friends?

Christ you’ve got a lot on your plate. I just had a look at your posting history - I commented on the thread about activities. Your ex is monumental arse and making this situation with your dd even worse.

Can you afford any kind of intervention for your dd? She needs some serious boundaries and to learn to care for her younger siblings / the dog. I read just the op about your youngest on 3rd March.

For starters can you not tell her what you think of his comments? He sounds like a very disruptive element in her life. It is a shame contact is court ordered.

Is he father to all the children?

Have there been any unexplained accidents at your House with your other children?

That is a very worrying question but one that you need to ask yourself for the sake of the safety of your other kids.