I hate my step kids

[Whatyoudoingoverthere]

I know I’ll get flamed but i need to vent somewhere. I do not let these feelings be known in RL, I hope this anonymous forum realises why I’m choosing this outlet. I’ve NC’d for obvious reasons.

My step kids are teenagers. They fight and bicker constantly and I can’t bear to be around them. I married their father when they were small 10 and 8, they were relatively well behaved until the teenage years came along. Their dad is fairly strict and asks them to say please and thank you as unbelievably they still need to be reminded. He tells them off when they need it and is caring and loving to them.

We have them EOW and I hate it. They treat our home like a hotel and behave like unpleasant brats.

I love their father and our life when they’re not around.

I’m not the OW before anyone asks. Typical responses will be you knew he had kids when you met him!! Yes but how can you ever know how hard that job will be when you’ve never done it.

I think the stepkids thing is a red herring. You'd probably still hate them if they were biologically yours. Some people are just too uptight to deal with the messiness of life with teenagers, be it emotional or physical. That's ok. It doesn't last forever.

If they're 18 and 16 then you hopefully won't have to put up with this for much longer. They will probably be going off to university or finding full-time jobs and moving on with their lives. Then you will still see them but I doubt it would involve over night stays. Probably just Christmas dinner, birthday visits, lunch out, that sort of thing.

Also, teenagers are a bloody nightmare. They have the attitude of children but think they know it all because they think they're adults. I can't think of a worse combination.

Also I agree with PPs about their behaviour not being acceptable - at 18 and 16 they should be cleaning up after themselves. I would insist upon that. Although as a step parent it's so difficult for you to insist upon anything that their parents don't make them do...

Haven't rtht but they must be pissed off at their age being there. Don't they have their own lives by now?

I rarely read a post that makes my blood boil but this is awful. I’ve had teenagers so I know what they can be like and sometimes it’s very very tough but good grief you sound a horrible human being. Leave them be! Stop all your ridiculous rules and expectations— WHY are you so small and narrow minded? Try a little kindnesss. Don’t you know that when you are not liked you know it and respond accordingly? Change your mindset please. Try to enjoy these young adults and let them enhance your life.

Make their beds?

Their father is indifferent.
Their mother is indifferent.
You are choosing to be indifferent.
It sounds as though their mothers partner is also indifferent.

You are blaming their parents wholeheartedly yet you are also part of the problem. Your dhs children haven’t been parented for years by any of their 4 parent figures.

A good definition of stupidity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.

I just can't understand why they go there

I'm reading this thread with dropped jaw! I haven't seen you write anything that your SC do that merits the vile things that you are writing about them. You haven't given any concrete examples of what they've done that is so bad.

Not making the bed - meh. Not wanting the dinner you've planned - answer: cook your own. Not sitting up at the table - also meh. You haven't written that they've wrecked the house or sworn at you, for example, so from what you've written I can't really see the problem

They really do sound like normal sulky stroppy teans.
If they don't make their own beds then you don't make them either. Don't wash any clothes unless they've been put in the washing basket. Cook one meal... so it's eat it or leave it. Teenagers think the whole world is against them. Dont let it show that you are too

The “more to it” is simply that they have no manners, respect or thought for anyone but themselves. They only make their beds when told to do so!! It’s appalliing. They are told every time. Why can’t they just do it??. This must be a wind up surely?

I stand by what I've already said.
Why in under the fuck do they come and stay with you?
I don't get it.

They sound pretty normal to me for teenagers whereas you OP sound like a freaking nightmare

To those calling the OP vile; yes, she sounds a little vile. In this particular moment when she's having an emotional reaction. She wants us to understand how bad she feels, and I doubt it is entirely literal 100% of the time.

My DSis kids are often horrible kids to be around. I still love and want the best for them (after visits are over ;))

Well they won't be teenagers forever. Its transient. So yes, in the short term its annoying but it won't last. In what 5/6/7 years they will be adults and maybe never staying over.

Maybe take yourself out for the day when they visit if it really get unbearable.

I would try to re-establish some common ground with them, find out what they would like to do. Would they be nicer apart? Have them over separately sometimes? take the girl out for cinema or to get nails done or something? At 18 and 16 you haven't got long to go before you come out the other side, you did like them before this stage and you will again! Start off slowly - small steps make big changes. Choose your battles (eg not bed making - just close their door).

The "home" thing I get. My mum used to insist that my dad's house was my home too. It wasn't. It was my dad's house. Home was where my stuff was, where my clothes were, where I had friends round, my dad's house was where I slept on weekends (and I say that as someone who had a great relationship with my SM).

Now I have SS and it's so bloody hard. You're expected to be endlessly supportive, open up your whole world to them, treat them fairly. All while not being able to enforce rules, not having a say in parenting decisions, and not getting to complain about them in a way you would anyone else's child. I think, personally, if you meet your DPs kids when they're above the age of about 5 or 6 that whole "love them as your own" thing just isn't going to happen.

I actually quite like older SS (now), the younger one is fine. I don't love them, I don't love the weekends they come to stay. I don't hate them either, but I've definitely thought it at times when they've been particularly difficult.

At least yours are older OP, you don't have much longer to put up with them. You'll never win with a thread like this on Mumsnet, but FWIW you have my sympathies

FWIW YANBU, at 18 they should behave better, do chores and be less dependant, whichever 'home' they are at. You have a DH problem if they are behaving in this way towards your home and he needs to step up and ask them to pull their weight around house

I feel for you OP but you won't get the support you want here as you've admitted to being a step mother. If you'd posted and said these were your own children I'm sure you would have got support in waves!

Teenagers are vile whether they are your own or not but all those posters referring to an 18 year old as a child as if they are 6..?

No an 18 year old should not expect to be fed they are an adult. Of course it's polite to provide food if they only stay for a couple of days but they are still an adult, not a toddler.

They are also perfectly capable of making a bed if that's what the OP expects in her house or contributing in other ways i.e. washing the dishes.

I lived with my Dad at 18 and I'd have been out on my arse like a shot if I'd refused to contribute towards the chores and expected anything.

These are not children in the same way you'd talk about a 6 year old. Far too many people on MN excuse horrible behavior by saying 'oh it's just teenagers'. Yes it is but there's also nothing wrong with pulling them up on it, expecting more from them and not liking it either, most teenagers aren't likeable!!

It sounds like you've tried OP and you've got to the stage where you just can't be bothered anymore.

Have you spoken to your DH about this?

Personally I’d make plans for those weekends and leave him too it.

Op, I think you have to accept that your will always be the 'visitor' in the relationship between your DH & his DC. They were an established family when you met them, it is not going to work to make them feel like the visitors. Take a step back, let the 3 of them sort out food and what they're doing, get your DH to book a cleaner for every Monday. They're still kids at the moment, but not for much longer.

I dislike the generalisation that teenagers are nasty. I have teenagers. I have nieces and nephews in their teenage years and none of them are nasty. My friends have teenagers who are pleasant young people.

Teenagers can sometimes challenge and rebel, but that is part of the development stages of life.

If you label a whole group of the population as nasty and in your interactions, you set low expectations, they'll live up to your beliefs.

It's also worth remembering that kids have to stay in full time education until they are 18 now. They are still have a very restrictive life during the week, can't go to the toilet or eat when they like etc, and will need a bit of freedom to relax at weekends. Meals out every Sunday sounds stifling, I would habeen slumped at the table too.

OP - I don't blame you one bit- having been through 8 years of the same and now kids are over 20 I want my have them at my house. They are not my responsibility, I have taken so much crap from the daughter (which I would never have put up with from my own) - enough is enough. They can see their dad as much as they want - I have better use of my time.