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AIBU?

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Original poster

I hate my step kids

336 replies

Whatyoudoingoverthere · 25/03/2019 18:38

I know I’ll get flamed but i need to vent somewhere. I do not let these feelings be known in RL, I hope this anonymous forum realises why I’m choosing this outlet. I’ve NC’d for obvious reasons.

My step kids are teenagers. They fight and bicker constantly and I can’t bear to be around them. I married their father when they were small 10 and 8, they were relatively well behaved until the teenage years came along. Their dad is fairly strict and asks them to say please and thank you as unbelievably they still need to be reminded. He tells them off when they need it and is caring and loving to them.

We have them EOW and I hate it. They treat our home like a hotel and behave like unpleasant brats.

I love their father and our life when they’re not around.

I’m not the OW before anyone asks. Typical responses will be you knew he had kids when you met him!! Yes but how can you ever know how hard that job will be when you’ve never done it.

OP posts:
Jessgalinda · 25/03/2019 21:03

It's your kids home 'in a way'.

Jesus wept. Me and dp own this house. It our house. But its nothing of our kids home.

And no bits not a democracy here either. But it's still their home.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 25/03/2019 21:04

Here is where the precious snowflake step children brigade march!

OP, you were very brave to post a thread like this on AIBU. Don't you know that step children can do no wrong and that whatever you do, it's always your fault because step parents are ALWAYS wrong?

There is absolutely no way that my DC would ever get away with not washing dishes or making his bed at that age. Those who aren't step parents have no idea what it is like in reality to do all the dogs work of parenting for children but have no say in any aspect of boundaries, routines and rules. It's impossible. Not helped by being undermined by the children's parents, as most step parents are.

Badtasteflump · 25/03/2019 21:14

I don’t agree that they are being ‘typical’ teenagers. Our eldest is now in his 20’s and our younger two are teens. Yes, mood swings and arguments now and again are normal, but Imo being a ‘teen’ doesn’t excuse rudeness, bad manners and not pulling your weight. Ours have always been expected to join in with chores, keep their rooms tidy and to act like decent human beings, ie treating other people with respect and kindness.

Maybe I’ve been very lucky with my DC but I suspect that anybody who expects their teens to be a nightmare will get their wishes fulfilled.

OP I do sympathise. I suspect your H and his ex have been a bit (or more likely extremely) lax in their attention to their DC and it’s a bit late to do anything about it now. I also find it slightly alarming that this is all still happening at the ages of 16 and 18, when they really should have grown out of all that hormonal stuff and be becoming young adults. Fwiw, I agree it seems alarmingly immature.

Sounds like a total nightmare, but I have no idea what you can do about it.

Gone4Good · 25/03/2019 21:15

My sister left home at 18 for London and I immigrated alone to the U.S.A at 19. I couldn't imagine being passed from parent to parent at 16 or 18. I was working 40 hours a week at 15!!

It's all very odd.

grannieanne · 25/03/2019 21:19

I agree with you to some extent OP, it isn't their home, it's another house they visit where their dad lives with his partner. Home is where their stuff is, where they eat, have their mates round , where they spend most of their time with their mum, although it sounds like she's bailed out....

I'v been a step parent for 12 years and my step kids are generally fantastic and my own were demons from the bowels of hell during their teenage years.

There are no bedrooms here for visiting Step kids although they are always welcome. The bedrooms are for my grandchildren and own children if needed, that is how it is....The difference is this is my home, owned and paid for by me. The DP hasn't sorted out his financial shit with his ex so he continues to rent elsewhere until he gets his share of the equity. Fuck knows when that will be though, that's a whole AIBU thread on it's own...

They will get better with age, hopefully. If they behave like this at home, I doubt they are going to be any better when they are at yours.

Not sure what the deal is with the 18yr old though, he's old enough to not be acting like a toddler

thedisorganisedmum · 25/03/2019 21:19

Jessgalinda
I only meant that yes, it's the kids home, but they have to follow rules. It makes no difference if they are 4, 18 or 25, they can't do as they please. And not only do they have to follow rules, but they are not allowed to have an attitude about it.

It makes everybody's life easier

Kittypillar · 25/03/2019 21:20

I completely understand the wanting to vent OP (teenagers are awful), but it's one thing to moan about them being bratty teenagers, not making beds etc, and something else completely to say things like you hate them, avoid them and your house isn't their home. Jesus.

They probably do hate me too, I don’t care in the slightest

As someone who grew up with a stepmum who had absolutely zero interest in being something of a parent to me, even just a part of my life and supportive to me (and still doesn't care much now), this makes me really sad. Yes, teenagers are bloody hard work sometimes (and you're absolutely entitled to call them out on their behaviour when they're being rubbish) but they've been part of your family for ages. Them being hideous teenagers is a phase which will pass. But if you carry on with this attitude towards them your relationship with them will never recover and I'm sure your husband won't thank you for that either. Seriously think about what you're doing here. You sound like you don't have any affection for them at all and it's really bloody sad.

SeventhWave · 25/03/2019 21:22

"I want a fry-up"

The answer to that one is simple - you calmly explain that you have something else for dinner. If there is dissent, you say:
"Oh dear, what a pity. Tell you what, next time you're here, I'll make sure we have some stuff in the fridge for you. Here - take this fiver, nip down to the corner shop and buy some bacon and sausages, would you? Lovely."
You then smile graciously and walk off.
It is at that moment that they find out that in order to get what they want, they have to make an effort to do something about it.

I suspect that at the moment they are feeling a bit unloved and don't feel at home anywhere.

thedisorganisedmum · 25/03/2019 21:27

SeventhWave
you sound far too nice, I wouldn't even say that to my own kids

FullOfJellyBeans · 25/03/2019 21:28

I'm often critical of step parents who post on here but I don't see op is doing anything wrong by having a rant. Teenagers can be bloody annoying at the best of times and OP probably isn't as bonded to these two as she would of they were hers from the beginning. I think it's just tough and there's often nothing to be done but accept that teenagers can be shits (they actually have less empathy than younger children due to a quirk of brain development and hormones).

OllyBJolly · 25/03/2019 21:32

*Other people's children are always a challenge, I find.

Even your own teens are a pain in the arse*

There were times when I could have posted "I hate my kids" and I gave birth to them! I had perfect children, and they're pretty perfect adults, but they were god awful dreadful teens . It was hard enough coping with my own - you have my sympathy having to live with someone else's.

*treated our home as a hotel and were ungrateful brats" Yep.

ADropofReality · 25/03/2019 21:35

What their mother does is nothing to do with me. It’s hardly surprising she doesn’t want to be around them though.

What a vile thing to say. They have a mum who doesn't care and a stepmum who treats them with barely disguised contempt, and you make out that they deserve that. For what? For behaving like perfectly ordinary teenagers? For not following your utterly pointless insistence on making beds?

thedisorganisedmum · 25/03/2019 21:42

For not following your utterly pointless insistence on making beds?

It might be pointless to you (and really it is not) but when you live under someone's roof, you follow their rules. Unfortunately the OP is not their mum, so she can't impose her own rules and expect a minimum of politeness and manners.

purpleboy · 25/03/2019 21:43

I don’t agree that they are being ‘typical’ teenagers. Our eldest is now in his 20’s and our younger two are teens. Yes, mood swings and arguments now and again are normal, but Imo being a ‘teen’ doesn’t excuse rudeness, bad manners and not pulling your weight. Ours have always been expected to join in with chores, keep their rooms tidy and to act like decent human beings, ie treating other people with respect and kindness.

Absolutely agree with this, too many excuses for bad behaviour.

Livelovebehappy · 25/03/2019 21:44

What a very unpleasant person you are OP. Another couple of kids being emotionally screwed up due to their DF making crap decisions in his choice of partner.

Livelovebehappy · 25/03/2019 21:48

And I’m not believing a lot of what is being said about their DM. Typical SM projecting onto the DM to justify her own behaviour.

SnowsInWater · 25/03/2019 21:52

Tbh the fact that they are still coming 5/14 nights at their age tells me that they really value their relationship with their dad, and probably with you, and feel comfortable in their second home. I work as a mediator with separated families and generally at that age young people choose one home to stay in and tend to visit the other parent on an ad hoc basis. You might be finding it tough but like it or not someone is doing something right 😊

RickOShay · 25/03/2019 21:56

Wine chin chin howdidthisbecomemylife

KissingInTheRain · 25/03/2019 22:06

Snows

What a sensible and informed comment.

It has no place on MN.

Bloodyhilariousthatis · 25/03/2019 22:13

Teenagers are arseholes. Especially ones under stress (at 16/18 I presume gcse/alevels?)

I have 2 myself. Dp has 2. No way in hell was I blending families all under one roof! We live a few minutes apart and will move in together when the kids are older.

smallereveryday · 25/03/2019 22:14

Kittypillar
I agree with you to some extent OP, it isn't their home, it's another house they visit where their dad lives with his partner. Home is where their stuff is, where they eat, have their mates round , where they spend most of their time with their mum

This ^

Spot on. Although the MN mantra is that it IS their home because it's politically correct to say so.

When my Dsc VISITED eow it definitely wasn't 'their home'. They were treated like honoured visitors, my DH treated them like royalty- too scared that they wouldn't come if asked to do anything. Since the judge changed residency- it is definitely now their home and they are expected to pull their weight - and to be fair they do.

My experience is that it is all entirely down to their fathers behaviour and expectations.

Pumpkintopf · 25/03/2019 22:31

Op my dad moved in with my stepmother. I'd always assumed that home was wherever he was, until I said I was coming when he'd had a serious health scare and apparently she said 'your daughter can't just turn up when she feels like it'. I was so shocked and have never forgotten it.

What I'm trying to say is, please don't make your partner's kids feel like they aren't wanted in their dad's home. Try to make the effort to make them welcome. Take them out and do things with them, separately or together- try to love them even if they are hard work, it'll pay off in your future relationships.

UnrelentingFruitScoffer · 25/03/2019 22:39

Teens are terrible. All teens.

Be calm, accept it for what it is, set some clear and not too fussy boundaries and stick to them. Make sure your husband knows what the boundaries are and agrees with them and will also police them.

When you have to speak to them about anything be calm and polite, but firm. Insist that they be polite as well.

And wait. They will be lovely in a couple of years.

ginswinger · 25/03/2019 22:54

My Dad didn't love his step children in the same way as he loved me and my brother but he always treated them fairly and kindly to show respect for my step mum. When he died, he left his estate split five ways between the two biological kids and three step children. I think set a really good example for how to parent step children. Treat them kindly and well and know that things will change. I have a step dad who I adore and as a grown up, we have a fantastic relationship developed over 20 years. Things change and I think you need to work on your relationship with them as children then one day as adults.

krustykittens · 26/03/2019 01:12

OP, vent away. MY teenagers are driving me mad, I am sure they loathe me too for not telling them what they want to hear all the time and I could cheerfully pack my bags right now!