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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being too tight?

132 replies

bearsBEARS · 25/03/2019 13:44

hallo, name change for this but long time reader first time poste.r
My DP brought up an issue the other day an ive been thinking about it.
He got his dream job on Friday after months and months of worrying and i bought him a small gift of a plant that cost £3.
He brought up then that I didn't get him material gifts enough. He said in the time we've been together I've surprised him with two things - a bag of coffee. He buys me things every week and sends tiny presents, pays for cinema tickets and buys meals. He is on the same wage as me but i want to save all my money where he is happy to treat.
Is this unreasonable? Should I try harder/

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 25/03/2019 13:46

Does sound a bit one sided.

GottenGottenGotten · 25/03/2019 13:46

Try to imagine how you would feel if you were paying ask the time and he rarely did.

GottenGottenGotten · 25/03/2019 13:47

All* the time

MissConductUS · 25/03/2019 13:47

You don't say how long you've been together but it sounds like you could make a bit more of an effort.

Do you live together and contribute to living costs?

thecatsthecats · 25/03/2019 13:48

Well... it depends whether you:

  • like your DP enough to do something that would mena something to him
  • like your savings enough to prioritise them over your partner's feelings
  • or if you are sensible enough to find a compromise between the two positions above

At the moment, it sounds like your partner is paying for the 'niceties' of the relationship. Crudely put, are you doing anything for him that doesn't involve spending money?

HollowTalk · 25/03/2019 13:48

Do you like being spoiled while you save?

Ballbags · 25/03/2019 13:48

Saving all your money for what?

Praiseyou · 25/03/2019 13:49

Are you saving for both of you or just yourself?

A 3 quid plant for a dream job is fairly depressing. Why not treat him to a night out?

Nicknacky · 25/03/2019 13:49

So do you pay when you go out? It doesn’t sound like you do but you are happy for him to pay as you like saving.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 25/03/2019 13:49

Well personally I wouldn’t be with someone who was happy to accept and not reciprocate. You sound quite selfish to be honest.

Nicknacky · 25/03/2019 13:51

I think I would have treated my partner to a bottle of champagne or a dinner for something like a new job especially if it was been stressful.

LL83 · 25/03/2019 13:52

It's good to save but say "I cant come to cinema as I am saving" or suggest a walk or film in the house rather than go and not pay every time. Very rude.

Jebuschristchocolatebar · 25/03/2019 13:52

Could you not stretch to dinner out or something a bit better. You sound tight

Original poster
bearsBEARS · 25/03/2019 13:53

I thought that. He buys dinner every time too.
I'm saving for a flat but also my ex boyfriend and I had money issues. He says he likes doing it for me but was upset the other day.

OP posts:
SneakyGremlins · 25/03/2019 13:53

Surely he'd be happier with a meal out? If there's two of you it can't be THAT expensive.

Ellisandra · 25/03/2019 13:56

Look up on google “5 love languages”, it’s very useful to understand different styles of showing love - e.g. some people are gift givers.

However, this isn’t just about one of you being a gift giver and the other not!

You’ve been accepting cinema tickets and meals out? That’s taking the piss!

I think it’s fair that he accepts he can’t force you to be a gift giver, and if he wants to it needs to be without expectation of the same. That said - if you love someone who loves gifts, it’s nice to give them something from time to time.

But he needs to understand that social event costs will be split 50/50 - stop sponging off him!

HundredMilesAnHour · 25/03/2019 13:57

He buys dinner every time too.

And you just sit there? You never say "it's my turn to treat you"? Yep, you're very tight. Do you do anything for him other than compensates for your reluctance to put your hand in your pocket?

Peterpiperpickedwrong · 25/03/2019 13:57

He buys me things every week and sends tiny presents, pays for cinema tickets and buys meals. He is on the same wage as me but i want to save all my money where he is happy to treat.
Is this unreasonable?

Yes. VU. Why should you get to save every penny whilst still having meals out & trips to the cinema? At least pay half or take it in turns. If DP has brought it up then he obviously has an issue with it. A celebratory meal out would have been nicer than a £3 plant.

dreichuplands · 25/03/2019 13:57

Material gifts are one thing but it sounds like your DP is doing all the heavy lifting in terms of treat spending as well? If this is the case and it isn't a reverse you should talk with your DP about what your joint financial goals are. Are you saving for something specific? Will your DP benefit from this saving? How do you show your DP that they are valued? Maybe you should budget a certain monthly amount for treat activities and gifts to create a more balanced relationship.

Original poster
bearsBEARS · 25/03/2019 13:58

I don't pay very much. I've paid twice, we used to go dutch but when I got my job last year he took me for dinner twice and bought me a gift relevant to my profession which was quite pricey for what it was. Maybe i do need to do more. Do you not think it's ungrateful though? I do try

OP posts:
Crazykerfuffle · 25/03/2019 13:58

Yes you do sound a bit tight and maybe also a bit less invested in the relationship than your DP. It doesn't seem very fair if he pays for most things and treats you on top of that and you just save all your wage to keep for yourself, whilst dining out etc. on his money. Unless of course you are saving to take him away on a surprise trip of a lifetime or something?!

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 25/03/2019 13:58

Gifts out with birthday/Christmas etc are personal choice, it's not supposed to be I bought you x so now I'd like y in return although it's not nice to have it always be one sided so if it were me I'd be telling him that's lovely but actually I'd prefer you didn't spend your money on constant gifts. Or at least make it clear that that isn't how you are in a relationship and you won't be buying lots of gifts because you'd rather do other things to show your affection.

dates, meals out, cinema etc should be a shared expense, it's unfair that you aren't sharing the cost of multiple mutual outings.

If you don't want to go out as much suggesting alternatives is ok too but you can't always not be paying your share unless there is more to this than you have stated.

Nicknacky · 25/03/2019 13:58

Do you suggest going out places or does he do the planning?

Ellisandra · 25/03/2019 13:58

He buys dinner EVERY time?
I’m not surprised he got upset.
You earn the same, your debts are your responsibility - it’s not about being a bit tight, it’s about being pisstakingly in the wrong!

Even if he doesn’t mind subbing you whilst you pay off debts, in a moment like the £3 plant, I think he realises that you don’t appreciate it.

woollyheart · 25/03/2019 13:59

He is obviously someone who likes giving and receiving gifts as a way of showing love and affection. If you care about him, you should try harder to show your feelings in a way that he appreciates.

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