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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being too tight?

132 replies

bearsBEARS · 25/03/2019 13:44

hallo, name change for this but long time reader first time poste.r
My DP brought up an issue the other day an ive been thinking about it.
He got his dream job on Friday after months and months of worrying and i bought him a small gift of a plant that cost £3.
He brought up then that I didn't get him material gifts enough. He said in the time we've been together I've surprised him with two things - a bag of coffee. He buys me things every week and sends tiny presents, pays for cinema tickets and buys meals. He is on the same wage as me but i want to save all my money where he is happy to treat.
Is this unreasonable? Should I try harder/

OP posts:
LooksBetterWithAFilter · 25/03/2019 13:59

I am the gift/meal buyer in our house. I tend to buy little gifts just because and I’m usually the one that suggests we go out for a meal and pays for it. Dh isn’t like that doesn’t particularly occur to him and if he had spare money he’d rather keep it in the bank whereas I’m a bit spendier than he is. I don’t buy stuff because I want something back and dh and the dc don’t expect stuff bought for them I do it because I enjoy it and when I see things I think people will like I buy it for them.
I think people just express themselves differently ds2 is like me and likes giving people little gifts dd doesn’t have a desire for STUFF so doesn’t occur to her to buy things but she will take out one of my nice teapots and cups and saucers and make up a nice tray for us in the evening to sit and watch the tv.

I am a bit on the fence about meals and cinema tickets though because if you want to do these things too and would be bothered if you didn’t you should contribute as well but the gift thing I’m a bit meh about because I do it but don’t do it to get stuff back in fact I’m as equally likely to buy myself things I like as buy them for other people so don’t need anything.

Bluntness100 · 25/03/2019 13:59

Do you mean you're ungrateful?

I think it's not very nice to take from him like this constantly and it reciprocate, it's a bit grabby and selfish.

HundredMilesAnHour · 25/03/2019 14:00

when I got my job last year he took me for dinner twice and bought me a gift relevant to my profession which was quite pricey

And you responded to him getting his new job by buying him a £3 plant?! Are you not embarrassed by this?

PristineCondition · 25/03/2019 14:00

If it were a man just taking not reciprocating we would be calling him a cock lodger and telling her to leave.

anxiousbean · 25/03/2019 14:01

I think it is fine not to give gifts if it is not your thing - and you encourage him not to give them to you.

But you can't let someone pay for dinner and cinema every time you go out! You need to alternate/reciprocate or say you don't want to go. I don't see how sponging off a boyfriend is any different from sponging off a friend - and is very unattactive

caperplips · 25/03/2019 14:01

OP that sounds really bad and I would be really pissed off if i were in your boyfriends shoes!
At the very least you should have arranged champagne and dinner to celebrate his dream job! Come on - you know you have been taking the piss! Enjoying being wined and dined and spoiled and all the while squirreling away your own money Shock
and it's even worse that he had to say something about it.
Poor form OP, poor form

Ellisandra · 25/03/2019 14:01

And you’re still asking if he’s ungrateful?!!!!

You both get new jobs.

Him: 2x dinner out and a thoughtful (relevant to your job) present.

You: a £3 pot plant

This is a pisstake - you can’t possibly think he’s ungrateful because he thinks your cheap plant shows your lack of effort?

M4J4 · 25/03/2019 14:02

Do you not think it's ungrateful though? I do try

No, HE'S not ungrateful. YOU'RE a CF. Please tell him to save his money so he buy a flat, car whatever.

And start paying your half of meals and cinema tickets! Shock

PCohle · 25/03/2019 14:02

I don't really see how you could type out the posts you have here and not see how inequitable this is.

arethereanyleftatall · 25/03/2019 14:03

You are being massively unreasonable I'm afraid.
Many people would have left the relationship by now, stinginess is a deal breaker for many.
When you buy your flat, are you intending to go 50/50 on the deeds? That would make it ok if so. Or are you planning on buying it for yourself and then charging him to live there?

Afterthestorm · 25/03/2019 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cheesypastanow · 25/03/2019 14:04

Do you not pay for dinners/cinema trips? That's cheap.

I wouldn't expect anything for getting a new job (maybe a dinner out) but definitely treat my partner to dates/days out & nice presents at Christmas and occasions.

& my partner earns much more than me!

OhDiddums · 25/03/2019 14:05

With me and my DP sometimes he pays, other times I do because its a partnership. Granted I don't really do gifts unless there's a reason. But we both pay equally pretty much. It works out in a roundabout way.

Frenchmontana · 25/03/2019 14:07

You let him pay for you so you can save all your money.

Wow, arent you a treat!

999caffeineplease · 25/03/2019 14:08

Is this a reverse?

DonutCone · 25/03/2019 14:09

The plant was shit. Did you really, truly, think he would want a £3 pot plant? It can’t have even been a decent plant for that price.

You are a freeloader. You are saving but happy to go out for meals that he pays for an accept his gifts, but never give or pay for anything in return.

JellyBaby666 · 25/03/2019 14:09

How often do you guys eat out? And why if it's regularly do you not offer to pay? My boyfriend will pay more times than I do as he earns more but I always offer and would feel so cheap and rude if I just kept letting him pay while building my savings when I could afford it.

Boysey45 · 25/03/2019 14:09

Yes you sound very tight OP, why should he pay for everything whilst you squirrel your money away?
You will lose him and friends if you carry on like this and people will talk about you as well.
From now on you need to be paying as much out as him and buying decent gifts as well.

pootyisabadcat · 25/03/2019 14:10

I'd have dumped you long ago. Yes, you're tight.

killpop · 25/03/2019 14:11

This is a reverse, isn't it?

By the way, if you're a first time poster, why did you need to namechange? Confused

KarmaStar · 25/03/2019 14:12

I don't think this is real or maybe a reverse?

AudTheDeepMinded · 25/03/2019 14:12

Blimey, you remind me of when I was in hospital having just had DS1. Lady in the bed next to me was upset because all the other partners were coming in with treats for their partners, ie chocolates, magazines, flowers etc etc. She cried on the phone to her partner about how he'd got her nothing (and rolled up late everyday because apparently paternity eave is about having a lie-in)/ He then turned up with a jar of cockles! I felt so bad for her, tight fisted wanker!

Merryoldgoat · 25/03/2019 14:13

I’d have left you a long time ago.

I’m not materialistic but you sound oddly detached.

I don’t know a single bloke who’d be grateful for a £3 pot plant as a celebratory gift for getting an amazing job.

What about birthdays? Christmas?

TacoLover · 25/03/2019 14:13

Do you not think it's ungrateful though?

You don't think he's being grateful enough for the £3 plant you have himConfusedhow the fuck does one be grateful for a £3 pot plant

Oysterbabe · 25/03/2019 14:14

I call reverse too.