Am I being too tight?

[bearsBEARS]

hallo, name change for this but long time reader first time poste.r
My DP brought up an issue the other day an ive been thinking about it.
He got his dream job on Friday after months and months of worrying and i bought him a small gift of a plant that cost £3.
He brought up then that I didn't get him material gifts enough. He said in the time we've been together I've surprised him with two things - a bag of coffee. He buys me things every week and sends tiny presents, pays for cinema tickets and buys meals. He is on the same wage as me but i want to save all my money where he is happy to treat.
Is this unreasonable? Should I try harder/

Couldn't be with a man that tight, it a complete turn off for me.

I have tons and tons of terrible gift-giving partners going back decades! Including one that gave me something so large and ugly and so proudly home-made that it made me cry hysterical hooping half-laughing tears. I had to shut myself in the bathroom til I calmed down and then grovel apologetically. Honestly, a £3 plant is pretty good, in the grand scheme of things.

Anyway, the main thing is being compatible. Me and DH rarely do gifts because we are old and have most of the things we want. Instead we spend money on stuff to do together, gig tickets, meals and cocktails, weekends away (or sadly, a new fucking roof).

If you aren’t compatible about how and what you spend your money on at this point, you may have a lot of heartache ahead.
Neither of you is unreasonable, you are just very different.

It does sound a bit mean, fizzy wine would have been better! We have a joint account so it's not something I consider in the same way, but we don't buy silly little gifts as we prefer to spend on the good stuff in life

You sound like a spoilt, selfish person, extremely selfishly tight (not just someone watching pennies to save).... If I were him I'd get rid and find someone that's less selfish

What exactly is the Point of a reverse? What does the poster get out of it? What benefit is there over simply being honest about thr situation?

I'm going against the grain here, as I was about to say YANBU until I saw it was a reverse. I don't think he's being tight.

I think it's totally reasonable to spent your money as you wish.

My thinking is - either you're happy to pay or things or you're not. Don't pay for things and buy gifts if you're going to later resent doing so.

YABU to expect reciprocal effort on your terms. Only spend what you're happy to spend. Easy.

I'm sorry, it is a reverse, I buy a lot for my partner and I'm really agonising over whether it's a dealbreaker for me. My heart hurts over this job stuff

Allowing your partner to pay for all shared events, meals, etc. without ever offering to pay half is not on.

But the gift thing is a load of nonsense. Gifts don't represent love. I've been married 10 years and can count the number of physical gifts we've exchanged on one hand.

I think it depends on how you are in other areas of the relationship. I’m the gift buyer out of me and dh. But he is very very thoughtful. He’ll bake me my favourite cake, poo pick the garden and wash my car (I hate hate doing those jobs), bring me a cuppa in bed on the weekend and let my lie in. Those things mean so much more to me than gifts.

But if it’s all one sided with you op I think you might be right, and you are a bit tight.

Reverses are stupid. That is all.

Reverse threads are the pits, along with person a person b type scenarios. But in answer to your thread get rid, it’s a dealbreaker

Well, clearly a reverse is a bit stupid, but the issue remains the same: you should be sharing finances and not allowing one or other of you to always pay.
FWIW I have always felt really strongly about paying my way and I have drummed it into my teenage DC that they must always make every effort to earn their own money and pay their way in life. That way lies self respect.
A bag of coffee and a £3 plant is completely stingy. What a tightwad.

It's sounds as if it is a deal breaker but you dont need outsiders to tell you. Listen to your instincts.

The fact he justifies is relevant, dump when they won't hear your valid feedback and feelings..as well as he is as tight as fuck.
Can you imagine having to depend on him for money if you have children?

sorry, we aren't saving for a flat together - HES saving for one alone (we live a long way away from each other - think 2.30 hours on train). Hence why i send cards and buy gifts, it helps me feel closer to him. I thought we'd fall into the him coming to me means I get food etc and vice versa but we never did

FFS, bin him.

Op hes a tight arse, and will only get worse.

He will probably call you materialistic, spoilt bla bla for wanting to be "treated" but a bloody plant? Did you even show interest in this plant?

My advice is the same. Get rid, the one thing I can't stand is meanness.

How long have you been together OP? Do you alternate visiting each other every weekend?

You sound a very convenient girlfriend for someone who can't be arsed to make much effort/isn't particularly interested/needs a place marker for fun but no real future intentions.

Reverses are so fucking irritating!
You can’t present it from his side as you’re not him. And you’re always going to be biased.

If you were actually him, you might be saying “and she sends loads of cards and gifts - she wants that from me, but honestly it’s just tat that ends up in landfill - I don’t want to start wasting money on Tatty Teddy crap”.

But back to the cinema and meals out... how has that ended up with you paying?

Why do a reverse which puts you in the bad light ? .

Your bit about falling into him coming to you... are you going to tell us that you’re also doing all the travelling? (and paying the cost of that)

You are, aren’t you?

Ditch him.

But for future relationships, you need to learn that money doesn’t buy love. I’ve yet to date a man who really gave a fuck about “little gifts and cards” beyond a momentary “oh that was nice of her” feeling, as they dump it to gather dust.

Stop equating you sending this as creating closeness. It doesn’t. Closeness would be achieved by him paying his bloody way!

He’s currently an expensive hobby, and not even a good one.

For goodness sake! Gifting isn't a competition!

A gift or a present is an item given to someone without the expectation of payment or anything in return.

it's not stuff like crap, it's books, beers he likes, stuff to help him with his job. No, we both do the travelling. And i did it from his view because I cannot tell if I'm being grabby and unreasonable. I'd enver expect him to buy me back something cause I got him something, but around big occasions it makes me feel sad. That was all

I used to do loads of little stuff for an ex - think cute cards, little notes, lunches and stuff - and didn't feel that he reciprocated, and well, we broke up (not over this specifically).

After a few years of sowing my wild oats, I met DP, and didn't feel the need for little notes and gifts (although I do think of him, it's stuff like if I see something when going around the supermarket I know he'd like, I'll get it), and I do think that he thinks that I under-gift a bit.

BUT our relationship is fundamentally different, we both earn well, and can both buy anything we'd really like anyway. Thinking back, me doing all the running with gifts was to paper over the cracks of a relationship that wasn't actually doing the job. My relationship with DP is so much better, more comfortable, more at ease, we just work, no papering is necessary.

Think about this relationship - do you really feel a deep connection? Or are you trying to force it?

This reads like a bloke wrote it to see if we'd call a woman mean in the same way we would a man and he could then whine on about double standards.

He's a lesser spotted cocklodger in training.