Am I being too tight?

[bearsBEARS]

hallo, name change for this but long time reader first time poste.r
My DP brought up an issue the other day an ive been thinking about it.
He got his dream job on Friday after months and months of worrying and i bought him a small gift of a plant that cost £3.
He brought up then that I didn't get him material gifts enough. He said in the time we've been together I've surprised him with two things - a bag of coffee. He buys me things every week and sends tiny presents, pays for cinema tickets and buys meals. He is on the same wage as me but i want to save all my money where he is happy to treat.
Is this unreasonable? Should I try harder/

Reverses dont work, because you dont know how internal though processes

Just stop buying so many gifts and taking your dp out so much! I think you're both being unreasonable.

Oh ffs, didn't read to the end before posting. How annoying, OP. I hyate reverses.

Does he do other things? Does he do all your housework, help you with DIY, do things that take time, not money?

If not, then he's a tight bastard. How rude, wanting to save his money but happy for you to spend yours on him!

A £3 plant is something I would get for a partner because I passed it in the shop and thought they might like a plant. A small token that you thought of someone.

I earn roughly the same although slightly less than DP who was promoted the other day. I took him for a night out, drinks and dinner. None of that was about spending money, but about celebrating their success, letting it be known that I was proud, making a fuss of them and letting them feel special and have a moment. That doesn't have to cost money and can take many forms, but it sounds very much like your partner doesn't understand the concept.

Why does the person who buys gifts get to set the standard? Maybe they should notice that the other person has a different idea of how things should work and cut back on their giving.

I actually think buying gifts usually wasteful and therefore irrational. Money would be better spent if everyone just bought their own stuff, because the people getting the stuff have a better idea of their own priorities and desires than anyone else.

The gifts are one thing, some people like to give and receive little gifts frequently, your boyfriend is one of those people so he will be disappointed to give so much and receive so little. Yabu there

I actually disagree with that. I wouldn't want to be bought gifts constantly with the expectation that I reciprocate (the level of buying indicated in the OP seems excessive to me). Especially if we were saving up for a house. But then I would have told my partner to stop buying gifts long ago.

However, going out for dinner or to the cinema and never paying is taking the piss.

And now there will be pages and pages of well meaning posters not having seen the op’s latest post,

Sorry, I didn't realise there would be this much annoyance over a reverse, I won't do it again. Thanks for the advice

And now there will be pages and pages of well meaning posters not having seen the op’s latest post

yep - that's why reverses are really bloody annoying!!

I don't see anything wrong with the plant. Like you, I'm a saver and I don't like spending for the sake of spending. Throwaway things like flowers, magazines, etc. just don't interest me and this - "He buys me things every week and sends tiny presents" - would drive me nuts.

But I think it's important to pay my way (or reciprocate) when going out. I'd never let someone else 'treat' all the time - if their tastes were too expensive for me I'd initiate a conversation about it and make alternative suggestions.

But someone who wanted me to show love through material things would not suit me. Maybe you're just not suited?

Reverses are SO ANNOYING. Even though this one was obvious.

He’s tight as fuck.

Why on earth did you do a reverse???

Waste of bloody time

Argh - I missed the reverse! Still, my comments stand - it sounds like you have different priorities. Maybe either talk about it and try to see each other's views or leave it and accept you're not compatible?

Why are you paying for him all the time OP?
You don't want to be living or ending up having kids with someone like this because your life will be a misery.

"My DP and I are saving for a house. Every week she wastes money on "gifts" for me, they're tat and I think it's a huge waste of money. She always wants to go on date nights to restaurants and the cinema - she pays because it's her idea, but I really wish we could eat in and save the money towards a deposit. She got a new job and I bought her a small gift to celebrate but she's really pissed off I didn't spend more".

AIBU to think her spending priorities don't align with mine at all and that this might be reason to end our relationship."

Is this more likely to be what your DP's actual post would look like?

Don't worry OP. People are cross reverses because they enjoy declaring YABVU and condemning the OP on principle, rather than giving an honest opinion on the AIBU. A reverse obviously thwarts this plan! It's their issue not yours.

Arghhhh a reverse!!

You need to talk to him about it and stop buying him things.

Yes you do sound tight to be honest.

Ok so you want to save your money but your quite happy to spend his,
Iike letting him pay for dinner every single time.

Fuck I wouldn’t still be wih you if I were him. You’re tight as assholes and honestly taking advantage of him imo.

I'm surprised he hasn't run for the hills. You sound very tight indeed and that is not attractive., He must be so hurt, but on the other hand there must be something about you that he likes. Can you even buy a plant for as little as £3? You definitely need to try harder to sort out your money issues!

I also hate reverses - as now it is impossible to understand if he has a valid reason for acting this way

I personally don't judge gifts by the price tag - but I know a lot of generous gift givers who do. So for me a £3 plant would be fine if it was thoughtful and what I wanted rather than a bunch of "more generous" gifts that I didn't want. I don't actually like receiving gifts as most of them I don't want and I feel guilty getting rid of stuff. Also some people can be a bit demanding once they have given a gift that you are required to appreciate it properly (when you didn't want it in the first place) and are then supposed to reciprocate.

The not paying for shared activities though is tight - and I wouldn't want to be with someone who did that - unless they didn't want to go in the first place and were only going as you insisted.

I think at this point - the decision you need to make is do you have shared priorities? do you like doing the same sort of things? e.g. I would want to be with someone who wanted to go and do things (for which I would expect both of us to pay) but I wouldn't want to be with someone who wasted a lot of money on useless tat (unless it had no impact on me)

before you said it was a reverse I was going to say there are two different issues at play. The first is that you're (he is) thoughtless on gifts when that is clearly something that is important to him (you). A good relationship should take this into account. I have a friend for whom being bought gifts is really important to her. it's ridiculous as she isn't herself a gift buyer. But her DP has figured this out and makes the effort (he's a good guy).

The second issue is that he's (you are) paying for everything and that's just ridiculous and not okay. He (you) shouldn't be expected to pay all the time and you (he) should be taking on some of the burden otherwise the relationship is completely one sided and unequal.

This doesn't feel like a partnership that is going anywhere though.

O.K. Sorry, just realised this is a reverse. Run OP!

sorry if you are feeling hurt though