I need help...NOW!! - Warning Not a pleasant subject

[Cantgiveashitliterally]

OMG...Im hoping someone can help me, this is so embarassing, I feel like i have a tennis ball stuck up my bum, i cant go to the toilet and it hurts, I have been sitting on the toilet for over an hour and it feels like its coming, but...Nothing. Im sore, i feel sick and shaking. I have never felt anything like this before, somebody please tell me what to do. How can I "unblock". Ive tried walking around, drinking water, I dont know what else to do.

PS i know this sounds like a joke, but, I promise its not.

I quite like the taste of lactulose

This is why I will never take non steroidal anti inflammatories again.
I got stuck on the loo in a busy pub for about an hour with what felt like a house brick half in half out!

SudoWouldnt - Whilst you're sitting, try rubbing ypur thumbs and forefingers together in a circular motion. My gran taught me that when I was little

When i was little it was my nan who told me to rub the tops of my thighs if i was struggling on the loo. It does work a bit. Not as good as the feet on stool ect, but it relaxes your legs and takes the panicy feeling away somehow.

You need the Fire Brigade OP, give you a blast with the hose and shit away 💩🔨🚒🚒

An E washed down with 4 big bottles of Cobra.

Sadly have way too much experience of this... years of not going for anything up to 20 days as a result of nerve damage to my spine.

I've had just about every medication/intervention going and now have to permanently use an anal irrigation system (basically an upgrade from the shower hose which I have also resorted to on many an occasion :-) It's a fun game at airport security when they pull it out and ask what it is...

Glycerine Suppositories will do the job as a short term measure but if you can't get to the pharmacy, a slither of soap up the bum will suffice in the meantime. Dove seems to have the required evacuation properties but having tried liquid soap once I can't reccommend it - it falls out in a foamy mess, the upside being your shit doesn't stink though ;-)

A carton of Prune Juice will have fairly spectacular results as well, but don't attempt to leave the house whilst this particular shit storm is brewing...

Hope that stubborn little bugger is well on his way down the sewer :-)

@iamnotacereal thank you I will do that

minge cringe

Omg I can't cope 🙈🙈

Rubber glove, lube or Vaseline finger up bottom, you'll be able to help it out manually. I know it sounds gross, I have nerve damage in my bottom from my first labour and if I get constipated I have to help it out as I physically can't feel it due to the nerve damage. I know it's gross but it does work every time.

I'd be trying red wine lol

I literally just sat and read through the whole thread, to see if you’d done a poo yet.

@ScarletBitch I'm the same as @Omzlas I have been able to (and had to) do a manual evac through the vagina after a laparoscopy left me unable to go the loo properly after bowel/bladder endometriosis excision, for quite a while I could only go using a finger in the vagina to ease it out as all my muscles were knackered

My manual evacuation worked well but afterwards my bum resembled a baboons

Why have I just read all 8 pages.

I will deffo try @PotsOfJoy 's suggestion next time

"We are super careful, neither of us want another child, protection at all times" so you COULD be pregnant then. No contraception is 100% none not even sterilisation.

Which could mean labour or pregnancy related constipation.

Having once had to "manually evacuate" following a spell on codeine, it's not actually as revolting as it sounds.

My preferred treatment is cannabis & caffeine though. A good strong spliff and a double espresso works a treat, and fast. As I found to my cost when my leg was in plaster from ankle to arse and it took me a lot longer than usual to get to the bog ...

Do you have any caster oil? I swallowed some in sheer desperation once and it worked. Tasted like shit but worked wonders

It didn’t taste like actual shit! wrong context... it tasted bad!

Shamelessly place marking...

the threads that grab MNer’s imagination. . How’s it moving OP?

Either a litre of fruit smoothie or hot black coffee with brown sugar if you can drink it, the more brown sugar the better.

We need an update when anything happens.

Don't try to push, blow out like you are blowing bubbles, relaxes your pelvic floor.

@Soubriquet... yes lactulose and fibregel I have personal experience of as they gave me tons of both after the birth of DS left me with episiotomy and 3rd degree tear. The effect of these two combined resulted in the post labour ward being closed down as they thought I had noro virus! Not a pleasant experience. But there was a positive side to the story.. i got my own room. Ker ching!!