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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cancel DD’s birthday?

633 replies

NattyGeo · 24/03/2019 16:47

NC’d to avoid being identified. My DD is set to have her 18th on a Thursday. We have booked a spa place with a restaurant, her and 5 friends have use of the swimming pool and sauna and will be having an 8 course tasting menu after. Costing us £350. Thinking of cancelling because she went to the People’s March when I told her she wasn’t allowed. She mentioned it on Thursday, a group of friends were going. she is very anti-Brexit and into politics (a real budding leftie), but I said no because it meant taking a National express at 4.30am to get to London by mid-morning and TBH I just didn’t see the point in doing it when we leave the EU next week! It would also mean taking a day off from her Saturday job. She sulked and stropped but I stood firm.

Yesterday morning I went to wake her as couldn’t hear her get up for work. She’d put pillows in her bed where her body should be to make it look like she was there and was gone! I rang her 10 times, no answer and on the 11th time I left a voicemail to say if she didn’t call back in 10 minutes I’d be reporting her to the police as a missing person. She called back, was in the bus and said sorry for sneaking out but she really wanted to go. She’d caught an Uber at 4am!

She arrived back at 2am this morning on the bus. I went to pick her up from the bus station (on my , she wanted to be dropped off no doubt to avoid me), and when she got in the car she told me to “wipe that look off my face”. She says she’s sorry for being dishonest but not sorry for going. I’m furious. She’s usually good as gold and has never done anything like this. WIBU to cancel Thursdays party as a punishment?

OP posts:

DontCallMeShitley · 24/03/2019 17:13

My Mother was like that, I moved away as soon as I could afford it. Take heed, control is not good.

C8H10N4O2 · 24/03/2019 17:14

hobnobs that would be my guess too

bigbluebus · 24/03/2019 17:14

She went on a march as her way of showing her views about something which will affect her future but which she was not old enough to vote on. You should be pleased that she wanted to go.
Please do not cancel her 18th birthday treat. If you really feel you must punish her for lying, deceit and rudeness then do it some other way - but not the birthday.

bringbacksideburns · 24/03/2019 17:14

My ds had gone on all the climate change protests. A couple of weeks ago he was sitting on tram lines and was interviewed by a journalist.

Why on earth didn't you support her wanting to be involved in this? Regardless of your own beliefs?
It's not like she was off her head all weekend on drugs somewhere.

No I wouldn't cancel her party. But I would talk to her and not alienate her further and maybe withhold something else in the future after the party that maybe she was expecting you to pay for.

Canshopwillshop · 24/03/2019 17:15

You want to cancel a major milestone birthday celebration because your nearly adult daughter wanted to stand up and be counted on such an important issue which will have a huge impact on her future - YADBU!

DinosApple · 24/03/2019 17:15

Don't cancel her 18th birthday party!

I'd want a sincere apology for the way she had spoken to me, and an agreement that whilst she lives at home she lets me know where she is and an approximate time she'd be back, but that is all.

You say she's been as good as gold so there's no need for dramatic punishments, especially now she's a few days off adulthood and was doing something for her own future.

StroppyWoman · 24/03/2019 17:15

She sounds a resourceful and determined young woman. I hope she has a brilliant birthday.

Dimsumlosesum · 24/03/2019 17:15

You're still treating her like a child. You're being controlling. I wouldn't cancel her 18th birthday party because she went to London! FGS.

Shamoo · 24/03/2019 17:16

This is one of those posts where i think to myself that it can't actually be true, but on reflection, why would somebody make it up!? So assuming it is true :

YWVU to tell her she couldn't go because you thought it was pointless: what you think is, frankly, irrelevant to her political views. Good on your daughter for having the energy to fight for something she believes in, even when her parents are trying to hold her back. Also good on your daughter for being independent enough to have political views that are opposed to yours.

YWBVVVU to cancel her 18th birthday party as a result - that's the sort of thing that she would probably (rightly) never forgive you for.

IHateUncleJamie · 24/03/2019 17:17

shouldn't a child (well teenager) respect her mothers opinions too?

No, especially religious or political beliefs. Each to their own.

Also, the OP’s reasons for her dd not going were a bit rubbish, tbh.

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 24/03/2019 17:17

At nearly 18 she went to something she believes in for her future, I'd be proud of her and be happy I'd raised such a mature young woman. If she had snuck out to go to a 3 day rave in the middle of a field, pissed out her face then yeah I'd be annoyed and think about cancelling her birthday party but come on OP you can't punish her for standing up for her beliefs.

Waveysnail · 24/03/2019 17:17

You don't have a right to ban her from going to the march. She's practically 18 and can make these decisions herself. So no you shouldn't cancel her birthday because she didn't do what you wanted.

HotpotLawyer · 24/03/2019 17:17

It’s nothing to do with being a Remain stronghold.

It’s about being spiteful and controlling to your loved Dd on her 18th birthday.

And if the OP does not share a political view with her Dd she might consider that banning her from the March will only set her further against her mother and entrench her views.

No one changed their beliefs as a result of this sort of ‘my way or the highway’ control.

You hear a lot about how difficult teens are. This is the second thread this weekend about perfectly normal terms being treated like primary school kids by controlling over protective overbearing mothers.

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/03/2019 17:17

Hmm. You've made a rod for your own back here, NattyGeo.

"... but I said no because it meant taking a National express at 4.30am to get to London by mid-morning and TBH I just didn’t see the point in doing it when we leave the EU next week! It would also mean taking a day off from her Saturday job."

Is that honestly the basis of your objection to her attending this rally? That

She'd have to get up early
You didn't see the point
She'd have to take a day off work

Points 1 and 3 are up to her. Point 2 - really? You didn't see the point? Well she clearly did_ see the point. And she's 18, an adult, so if she sees the point, what you see is irrelevant. Sorry, but it is. She's old enough to have her own politics, and it is time you accepted that.

Everything else just follows on from your initial unreasonableness.

Unless you want to cause a permanent breach in your mother-daughter relationship, do NOT drag her birthday into this. You and she are disagreeing over politics. You overstepped the mark in banning an adult from participating in a safe event, and your stated reasons are frankly spurious.

You need to step back a bit and agree to disagree with her over the rally, but also accept that she had a right AS AN ADULT to attend a political rally.

If you cancel her birthday, on your head be it. But do the sensible thing, and just - don't.

Spookydollshouse · 24/03/2019 17:18

'LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD

shouldn't a child (well teenager) respect her mothers opinions too?'

Of course you respect your Mother's opinions but she's an adult in a few days.

I respect my Mum's opinions. Doesn't mean I always do exactly what she says.

BlueCornishPixie · 24/03/2019 17:18

The thing is though, is the dds alternative to sneaking was just accept the overprotective, controlling parenting. As an adult I don't think it's sneaky to leave the house and go do something you want, she's old enough to decide what she wants to do with her time actually and OP shouldn't have much say. At 18 a parent shouldn't be telling their child what they can and can't do, they can advise but I think an 18 yr old has the right to spend their Saturday how they like providing that they aren't harming anyone.

She's normally a well behaved girl and she's not sneaking off to get drunk. I would forgive her.

LynetteScavo · 24/03/2019 17:19

If you cancel she and her friends will think you're a dick, and it'll be a great story for her to tell her children how unreasonable Granny was she was young.

I think you're mostly disappointed your daughter doesn't share your political views. Or you could just be really controlling.

GetStrongKeepFighting · 24/03/2019 17:20

But we're not leaving next week…

negomi90 · 24/03/2019 17:20

Yes.
She is 17 nearly 18. She wanted to do something important to her. It was safe. She organised it, and paid for it herself.
She wasn't sneaking out for alcohol/drugs.
She wasn't impacting her education.

She tried to have a reasonable conversation with her parents about it. They said know. She decided it was that important enough to go anyway and accept the consequences.

It should never have been a hard no.
If it had been a discussion then she'd have gone, her parents would have known where she was and not been as worried as they were when finding her missing.

The comment about her mum's face was rude. But I have no doubt that that car was not a happy place on either side. We don't know what the OP said to her either before that comment or the impact of earlier conversations they had on the mood of the teenager.
Rude comments do not deserve birthday removal.

The OP needs to sit down and listen to her daughter, talk about how scared she was on finding her missing and apologise for not realising how important the march was to her. Both sides need to apologise here.

Taking away a birthday is rarely ok. In this case its even less ok and may damage the relationship between mother and daughter permanently.

MrsChollySawcutt · 24/03/2019 17:20

Is this for real?

Yes you would be completely fucking unreasonable to cancel your DDs 18th birthday party over this.

But then you were being completely fucking unreasonable to try to prevent her attending the march in the first place.

She is almost an adult and if she feels strongly about something it's up to her if she wants to get up early and miss her Saturday job to go.

Ohjustboreoff · 24/03/2019 17:21

I don't think you'll get much sympathy on here as most are bleeding heart remainers.
I wouldn't cancel her birthday treat but I'd be punishing her another way, 1 for her rudeness and 2 for ignoring your rules. If she wants to live in your house then she must abide by your rules.

stayathomegardener · 24/03/2019 17:22

Reverse right?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 24/03/2019 17:22

This is bollocks surely
Goady brexit bollocks I reckon.

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 24/03/2019 17:22

"I don't think you'll get much sympathy on here as most are bleeding heart remainers.
I wouldn't cancel her birthday treat but I'd be punishing her another way, 1 for her rudeness and 2 for ignoring your rules. If she wants to live in your house then she must abide by your rules."

What an appropriate user name.

Coronapop · 24/03/2019 17:23

Your DD is asserting her right to have her own opinions, which as a very nearly 18 year old she is entitled to do. I think you would be unreasonable to cancel her birthday personally.

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