To cancel DD’s birthday?

[NattyGeo]

NC’d to avoid being identified. My DD is set to have her 18th on a Thursday. We have booked a spa place with a restaurant, her and 5 friends have use of the swimming pool and sauna and will be having an 8 course tasting menu after. Costing us £350. Thinking of cancelling because she went to the People’s March when I told her she wasn’t allowed. She mentioned it on Thursday, a group of friends were going. she is very anti-Brexit and into politics (a real budding leftie), but I said no because it meant taking a National express at 4.30am to get to London by mid-morning and TBH I just didn’t see the point in doing it when we leave the EU next week! It would also mean taking a day off from her Saturday job. She sulked and stropped but I stood firm.

Yesterday morning I went to wake her as couldn’t hear her get up for work. She’d put pillows in her bed where her body should be to make it look like she was there and was gone! I rang her 10 times, no answer and on the 11th time I left a voicemail to say if she didn’t call back in 10 minutes I’d be reporting her to the police as a missing person. She called back, was in the bus and said sorry for sneaking out but she really wanted to go. She’d caught an Uber at 4am!

She arrived back at 2am this morning on the bus. I went to pick her up from the bus station (on my , she wanted to be dropped off no doubt to avoid me), and when she got in the car she told me to “wipe that look off my face”. She says she’s sorry for being dishonest but not sorry for going. I’m furious. She’s usually good as gold and has never done anything like this. WIBU to cancel Thursdays party as a punishment?

Don't be so fucking ridiculous.
Be proud.

Hope you can have a calm and respectful conversation with her. It's hard often not to fall into parent/child behaviours even when our children are adults. You have raised an independent, capable young woman and you should be proud of both of you. She wanted to go to the march for genuine, political beliefs not just because friends were going and she had organised herself to get there. By all means let her know that you are disappointed she sneaked out (perhaps you were also concerned about her safety but that is not what you have indicated) and angry she was rude, but cancelling her party seems petty.

This has nothing to do with "bleeding heart remainers" and everything to do with a young woman who believes in something !

Jackanory, as we used to say in the 80s.

Yabvvvvu.

She is near as dammit an adult. Stop treating her like she's 12!

Sounds like you don't like her politics. Well tough! She is old enough to make her own choices, have her own views and disagree with you.

If you cancel her birthday celebrations you will regret it. You are in real danger of losing her if you continue to treat her like a 'mini me' and expect her to think like you. If you cancel her birthday you are pretty much guaranteeing it.

She sounds more mature than you, Tbh. You need to get ok with her having different opinions to you and wanting to do things that you wouldn't.

She sounds fantastic. Cancelling her birthday for standing up for her future and being political active is ridiculous and pathetic.

Bollocks. This is a wind em up post.

Regardless of your political beliefs your daughter is almost an adult and should be allowed to stand for what she believes in, even if you think it's ridiculous. So I wouldn't have stopped her from going in the first place. I would be VERY annoyed that she'd lied and then been rude to you though. I don't think it's enough to cancel her party for. I do think you need to have a word with her about lying and sneaking out but you also need to let her develop her own opinions and if she wants to march for them then that's not really any of your business.

If you cancel now, you'll very likely push her away.
If you tell her you're disappointed she didn't tell you she was going anyway & hid it, accepted her apology, & that was the end of it - and let her have her birthday celebrations as planned - she'll realise that you respect her as an adult & act more responsibly in the future. She already sounds motivated & engaged - do you really want to discourage her & push her away because of that?

Why do you think she hid it? She obviously knew how you'd react!

Cancel it if you like. If you carry on trying to be so controlling with an 18 year old you won't have to worry about any birthdays in the future as you probably won't have much of a relationship anyway. I can't believe your nearly 18 year old was put in the position where she felt she had to go behind your back because you forbade her to do something that she has every right to do. She wasn't sneaking out to take drugs and party, she was going to March for something she believes in. You need to seriously loosen the reins!!

I'd be so proud if my daughter wanted to go to this March strongly enough to take the 4:30am bus etc. I think you were wrong to 'ban' her when she's as near as dammit an adult.

I think it would be pretty bloody unforgivable to cancel her party.

I'm calling it. Nope.

I don't think you'll get much sympathy on here as most are bleeding heart remainers.

No, the OP is not getting much sympathy from me because I have a daughter who I would never treat so controllingly and would never be so spiteful to by cancelling her 18th when I had been unreasonable in the first place. But “Bleeding Heart Remainers” though. 🙄

Actually I'm very sad for her that you're not proud and supportive. You should've been encouraging her to go.

You can't dictate to an 28 year old what to do. She sounds like a good kid all round.........stop being a dick. Or you'll start causing real issues of your own making.

'The thing is though, is the dds alternative to sneaking was just accept the overprotective, controlling parenting. As an adult I don't think it's sneaky to leave the house and go do something you want, she's old enough to decide what she wants to do with her time actually and OP shouldn't have much say. At 18 a parent shouldn't be telling their child what they can and can't do, they can advise but I think an 18 yr old has the right to spend their Saturday how they like providing that they aren't harming anyone.'

This.
'Punishing' an 18yo
You are being extremely controlling, and it won't end well.

I don't think this is made up. Some mothers are like this

18. Not 28.

Either ways, the facts remain. You're being ridiculous.

She’s an adult.
You don’t get to FORBID her to go to places !!
Can’t believe you think it’s ok to behave like that

She didn’t agree with you, at 18 ... she is old enough to do this I travelled to Australia in my own at her age ... she perhaps should have said she is going and she didn’t need your permission ( she didn’t she wasn’t out at a rave taking drugs she is passionate about her future and politics, pretty nice to see in one somyoung ) as long as it was a non violent protest and no laws being broken the only
Thing she did wrong was not tell you that she was going to go whether you agreed or
Not.

If you feel that this warrants punishment and the only part is not telling you she was going anyway then that’s your choice, it’s going to hurt you as a mum as much as her so what ever you decide is with her best interests in mind ...

Personally without the emotional attachment I think you have raised a lovely passionate daughter who needs to just get a bit braver at telling you up front that she doesn’t agree x

Oh come on!

What a ridiculous thing to have a fight about.

She stood up for what she believed. They were her wages to lose. She is legally an adult in a few days. She organised everything sensibly and responsibly.

If you don't back off she'll be out of your house in a month. Of course you don't cancel her party! And maybe listen to her reasoning and have an adult conversation about it (if you can!)

shouldn't a child (well teenager) respect her mothers opinions too?

Why? Respect is earned and deserved, not an automatic right. Op doesn't come across as that deserving of it in this post.

I so want this to be real because I want there to be another awesome teenager out there standing up for what they believe in when their parents say that what they want to do is 'pointless'.

Fair play though op you shoehorned quite a lot of froth points into your op

Bless.