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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel DD’s birthday?

633 replies

NattyGeo · 24/03/2019 16:47

NC’d to avoid being identified. My DD is set to have her 18th on a Thursday. We have booked a spa place with a restaurant, her and 5 friends have use of the swimming pool and sauna and will be having an 8 course tasting menu after. Costing us £350. Thinking of cancelling because she went to the People’s March when I told her she wasn’t allowed. She mentioned it on Thursday, a group of friends were going. she is very anti-Brexit and into politics (a real budding leftie), but I said no because it meant taking a National express at 4.30am to get to London by mid-morning and TBH I just didn’t see the point in doing it when we leave the EU next week! It would also mean taking a day off from her Saturday job. She sulked and stropped but I stood firm.

Yesterday morning I went to wake her as couldn’t hear her get up for work. She’d put pillows in her bed where her body should be to make it look like she was there and was gone! I rang her 10 times, no answer and on the 11th time I left a voicemail to say if she didn’t call back in 10 minutes I’d be reporting her to the police as a missing person. She called back, was in the bus and said sorry for sneaking out but she really wanted to go. She’d caught an Uber at 4am!

She arrived back at 2am this morning on the bus. I went to pick her up from the bus station (on my , she wanted to be dropped off no doubt to avoid me), and when she got in the car she told me to “wipe that look off my face”. She says she’s sorry for being dishonest but not sorry for going. I’m furious. She’s usually good as gold and has never done anything like this. WIBU to cancel Thursdays party as a punishment?

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 24/03/2019 16:55

You 'forbade' your 18yr old to go to a march? Sorry is it the 1950s?
I'm proud of my DCs and their beliefs and opinions, you are being overbearing and ridiculous. You do know as if Thursday she will be legally drinking, going out etc.

Horehound · 24/03/2019 16:55

She will remember forever that you cancelled her 18th. It's pretty harsh tbh and you sound really controlling. My parents were like that which led me to lie and sneak about. You've created this. You didn't see the point..so what? She did. YABU.

TheYoungOffendersMum · 24/03/2019 16:55

I wouldn't have said no to her going in the first place. She's over 16. And about to be a legal adult.

I was forbidden from a variety of things as a kid/teen via the "not under my roof" premise. It pushed me to move out before I was ready or capable of looking after myself.

I'd be quite proud if either of my daughters had said they wanted to march yesterday, one has football on sat mornings so I wouldn't have gotten there in time for the start. Or possibly the end.

CIT80 · 24/03/2019 16:55

If you has snuck out to an illegal rave I may agree with you - if you had supported her attendance at the march she would not have needed to sneak out ! She sounds like a highly motivated young lady who is fighting peacefully for something that will no doubt have an impact on her and her peers in the future. Sorry but have to say yadbu here

pandarific · 24/03/2019 16:55

Another one who is Hmm at you 'saying no' and 'not allowing' an almost 18 year old to do something entirely reasonable because you couldn't see the point. Controlling much?

SweetAsSpice · 24/03/2019 16:55

Hmm YABU.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 24/03/2019 16:56

Id tell her off for doing it sneakily... but in fairness, she did try and talk to you about it.

She didnt sneak out to go on the piss, she did it for something she believes in. Id be quite proud tbh.

Dont cancel her birthday.

HarrietSchulenberg · 24/03/2019 16:56

YABVU. She has her own political opinions, whether you agree with them or not, and to cancel her 18th birthday party because she took a stand for them is VU.
You come across as controlling, which is going to cause both of you unnecessary stress and pain in years to come. Your dd actually did rather well to organise herself in the way she did and she's obviously prepared to take the heat for a day off her Saturday job.
Applaud her for acting on her conviction rather than harshly punishing her because she did something perfectly legal that you didn't like.

Quartz2208 · 24/03/2019 16:56

OP you clearly don’t follow politics if you think we are still leaving on the 29th and you don’t really have a say given she is nearly 18

Don’t cancel the party please it will drive an even bigger wedge between you and your daughter

supermodel · 24/03/2019 16:56

Frankly I think you should be proud of her, she is an adult now and needs to be allowed to make her own choices.

LovingLola · 24/03/2019 16:56

Yes, you would be unreasonable to cancel the party.

NoMoreNoLess · 24/03/2019 16:56

With everyone else - Well done your DD. Standing up with others to protest about something she feels strongly about. Even at "risk" to herself (albeit the risk being of you breathing like a dragon at her).

Far more kudos to her than another 17yo living in London popping on a tube to go.

She is almost 18.

She should be proud of herself.

You should be proud of her.

And to be honest the most important thing you should realise is the YWBVVVU to try and stop her going in the first place.

ForeverBubblegum · 24/03/2019 16:56

She's a few days off been an adult, and wants to stand up for something she believes in. TBH I think you were out of order trying to stop her from going, especially as your objection seem to be that you don't see the point of the protest.

I'm guessing you voted leave and don't like her expressing her own opinions

whywhywhy6 · 24/03/2019 16:57

That’s a hard one. And my disclaimer is I don’t have teenagers so maybe I shouldn’t comment...

I do respect her motivation to stand up for her beliefs - it would be worse (to me) if she didn’t do that. She sounds like an otherwise sensible and good kid despite this deception. She was sensible about her travel arrangements and she did try to tell you her plans...

I’d do the whole “I’m disappointed that you didn’t listen to me” thing and let this one go.

But as I said, I’m not there yet in my parenting so what I hope to be like and what I will be like might be two very different things!

my2bundles · 24/03/2019 16:57

She is 18 next week. She is to old for you to set punishments or forbid her to do anything.

Zebedee88 · 24/03/2019 16:57

Not sure why you didn't let her go. No wonder she snuck behind your back. She's pretty much 18, you sounds very controlling and you don't seem to have a very good reason for not wanting her to go. I can see why she felt the need to go behind your back

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 24/03/2019 16:58

She said she was sorry for lying but I don’t understand why she told you to ‘wipe that look off your face’.

I wouldn’t cancel - she is old enough to make decisions I suppose, and it wasn’t as if she was 14 and shimmying down a drainpipe to meet up with a 50 year old pimp ‘boyfriend’.

BobIsNotYourUncle · 24/03/2019 16:58

No you can’t cancel her birthday, that would be really mean. Your DD is standing up for what she believes in and that’s no bad thing, although she was rude. Did you vote leave by some chance?

SeamstressfromTreacleMineRoad · 24/03/2019 16:59

She sounds like a mature and responsible girl, who I'd be very proud of (whether or not I agreed with the cause she was marching for). She'll remember the day all her life, as a high point of her coming-of-age.

Rise above your own feelings, let her enjoy her party - and be glad that you've raised a DD with a social conscience Smile

MistletoeBalls · 24/03/2019 16:59

I don't think you made the right decision in 'banning' her from the march. You had valid concerns and reasons that you didn't think it was worth it (and agree with them fwiw) but ultimately she's very very nearly an adult and it was her choice. She can think and feel differently to you without being "wrong"
Ideally I would say she would have been honest about what she was doing but it does seem like you made that hard for her.

Obviously the birthday treat is your money so it's up to you but I think generally you are treating her like a younger child whose behaviour you can sanction and reward in order to get her to do what you want and that's the way to seriously damage your relationship with her. The people I know whose parents were still trying to treat them like this in their late teens ended up having very volatile relationships and not being close to them in later life

Bluewall · 24/03/2019 16:59

I agree you would regret it she won't have another 18th and in the long term would it be worth ruining it for the sake of discipline.

Can you try and have a adult chat with her about how dangerous it is to sneak about and not tell you where she is. If she is turning 18 I guess she will be going to college or uni or work soon and will want to go out and go away places. It would be good to not start off with forbidding her to do things and Her sneaking about as you will want her to let you know where she is.

You could use another punishment rather than the birthday but I reckon not punishing her and instead talking to her like an adult might have more of an impact and make her realise you have her best interests at heart and want to be able to treat her as an adult now. She will probably be expecting a punishment so it might make more of an impact?

Normandy144 · 24/03/2019 16:59

Don't cancel. She is obviously very passionate about her beliefs. She was and is safe. You risk really alienating her by cancelling i think. Be glad you raised a daughter with strong principles and an interest in politics. You should be celebrating her passion not punishing her for it. In fairness all the reasons you gave as to why she should not go had no inpact on you. She was prepared to get up early and miss work etc, that's her lookout.

chocatoo · 24/03/2019 16:59

Is the treat booked for Thursday evening?
I guess at that age she is an adult and should make her own choices but the thing that would really hack me off is the way she spoke to you!
I think I would sit her down for a very serious word and say something like that I was extremely annoyed at her disrespect, that my inclination is to cancel the treat but that in the interests of fairness that I would not make a final decision until I was less angry. Keep her wondering for a bit! Then in 24hrs or so you can either say it’s cancelled because you are still fuming or not.

Nacreous · 24/03/2019 16:59

I agree she has lied, but lying because you aren't being allowed to express your political will and stand up for your opinion is one of the most reasonable types of lying there is.

She has also been rude. But she has been rude because you've tried to prevent that. I think that's a pretty good reason to be mad.

I would be proud to have raised a daughter so politically aware that they were prepared to stand up for what they believed in by that age. I would tell her off for lying and being rude, and also apologise for not allowing her to go in the first place.

Butterymuffin · 24/03/2019 17:00

If you want to alienate your daughter for a good long time, and for her to think of you as a vindictive person, then go ahead.